red converse
brand the misfits
and hold us together-
a secret league
of time travelers,
wizards,
and detectives

red converse
hold us together
with white laces-
we are the
comic book readers
and ghost hunters;
we dance *alone

morning cigarettes
never will be enough to
ignite a lost soul

often, i let my mind wander off
unto thoughts of you, and your moustache
tickling me beneath the mistletoe-
smoke lingering, your fingertips ridden with ash,
and you kiss me and pull me in,
closer
closer
closer
until the miles distancing us
become nothing but a mere illusion

i imagine the scent of your pillow,
and the warmth of your blankets,
i am in a frenzy for your love
that will never dance across my skin
and tickle my sides,
with laughter and white lines
(healed, healed, healed)

you'd drift off to sleep,
and i'd lie awake and memorize
the exact locations of your freckles
and i'd trace your scars with shaking fingertips;
my aching legs would carry me,
to make toast
in the early hours of dawn,
to eat and wash down with water,
and keep it down, down, down
and let the numbers go

i'd drop every blade,
every bad habit,
as i walked to you,
even though i know
you'd never shame me

there are reasons behind the worry,
and tears behind these rivers,
but i'd walk three-thousand miles,
if only i could
             save
             you

You never expect your first kiss,
And you never forget your last.

Our first and last was the same-
You held me; I sat on your lap
On that movie theater seat
As a horror film played

I felt your touch,
And tasted your lips

But now all I taste
                            is
                            pain

I was young, once
I went out and I
Swam
The water coated me
And I felt free
But I grew up,
And grew fond in new liquids-
Codeine and Whiskey

I was drunk, once;
I stole my parent's liquor
And hid
In my closet
I felt brand new;
It wore off,
And I cut my wrists...
Again

I was scarred, once
(And I still am)-
From razorblades and bad boys
But it was never enough-
So I tried the sticky green,
And felt at peace
In my own smokey clouds;
I was dazed

I was high, once.
And then I met the queen-
She was an ******!
I shot her through my veins,
And she swam
And made me *****
And addict...
I went swimming,
            and I drowned.

pick up the pieces
from my favorite vinyl,
the one you smashed
over my head
like a drunk would
with a bottle of whiskey

pick up the pieces
from my beating heart
the one you tore into
with your rage
like a rabid wolf would
with his sharpened teeth

pick up my needle
filled with my favorite
the ****** i bought
with the money
in your wallet
stolen, like my emotions

pick up my body,
deadweight
wrists bleeding, eyes shut
shatter the windows
with your screams,
as i fade

i am a waste of time and space;
if only my mistakes were erased,
then i could run to you
and make our hearts brand new...
my girl, she can't make me feel
'cause my thoughts just make me reel.
there's no where left for me-
pathetic's all i'll ever be.
just remember, you're the one who left,
and with you, my heart, your greatest theft.
things are darkest in my soul;
**** this, i need a bowl
i need my fix, my pill, my blow
i need my smoke, my dope, my snow

i tend to fall in love
with things that aren't good
like older boys
and sleeping pills
and smoke-filled rooms

i tend to avoid
things that may be good
like sweet girls
and sobriety
and good grades

i tend to hate
myself for my mistakes
like never being good enough
and never having enough
and always giving too much

gentle, slow, soft breathing
tugging at my focus lines
dazing & hypnotizing wide eyes
reaching far into my mind
laughing- what a paradox
imagination splinters into understanding
my conscious and subconscious matter are two

i merely wish to realign my chemicals;
i'd rather work as one.