Emails from airlines tease me, then torture me.
"Make your daydreams a reality"
"Flights on sale!"
Don't taunt me.
I look away from email to the wall;
Smiles greet me. Memories follow.
I remember that smile. It was a smile from when I was with you.
My smiles don't look like that now.
I pull out your shirt - it doesn't smell like you anymore.
I hold it close for a moment anyway.
I curl up sitting on the floor, incapacitated, halted.
Pulled beneath the waves.
It passes. It always does. It has to.
Here I have a life that I have built that you have never been able to touch,
It goes on without you here.
And there's nothing I can do about that.
So I'll continue on, living off dreams and memories.
And the emails will still come.

when my lips touched yours i knew it was a lie
but you never let me taste the truth.

when i saw you, my thrilled, sparkling eyes
never matched your red, faded ones.

when i traced the curves of your body
you moaned harder than you should have.

when you touched me
i finally felt right

but you were never there when you were with me
so i know that i am still wrong.

when my lips touched yours i knew you were a lie
but all i ever gave you was the truth.

Home was having my best friend
hold my hair back
because I'd had one too many shots.

Home was listening to him
play a combination of notes
that told the stories of lovers' pasts.

Home was kissing a beautiful dark-haired girl
and laughing because
her saliva tasted like sativa.

Home was a place of sunshine,
peasant skirts, reggae.
Boys covered in dreadlocks smiling up at me from their yoga.

Home was falling asleep
on Vicodin
and sadness.

but now I am just lost.

I hate everything
Vicodin doesn't get me high
The under-wire of my bra is cold
Punk is never coming back
My parents hated me
Some books are hard to read
Cigarettes made Janis even better
I need a cigarette
Bleach smells terrible
People go to work with wet hair
Four people were murdered in my city
I have a rash on the inside of my elbow
She didn't want me back
Women have to shave
Pillow creases draw lines on my face
I want to go back to bed.

lines of blue
and indigo
drawn just under your skin.
the beginning sketch
of a human.
pumping your
sustenance all
the way
to
your fingertips.
hide the tip of a needle
in them.
our hearts beat
in synonymy.
i love your veins
even when you make them
collapse.
i love you
when you collapse.

i am afraid to face you sober.
i don't want to look into eyes that aren't dilated.
don't read me passages from your book about living clean.
i like you when you're high.

when you're sober you don't like me.
when she was sober she didn't like me.
why doesn't anyone like me.

i am not afraid of reality.
i am afraid to be your reality.

my head hurts
where am i
i smell like *****
...
not mine.
the walls are moving
but i can't hear anything.
took her away
the drugs took her away
ithought they were going to help me
you sadi they wer going to hel[ me
help me
where are you
are you with god
i wish i could see you
aire youi still beatuitful

**i miss you so much