I’m THAT girl.
I’m the girl sitting quietly in the corner,
Minding my own,  scribbling in a notebook
Or taking in the remaining chapters of my sci-fi book.
Maybe giving others a distracted look
A polite nod to keep them guessing.
I’m the girl with a slightly disheveled appearance.
His old transformers t-shirt, baggy jeans and a pair of chucks.
You may think, if you catch my eye, that luck
Is the last thing on my list of prized possessions
And you’d be right.
I’m Murphy’s law in action.
I’m THAT girl.
I’m the girl that can’t get him off my mind.
I’m the girl whose subconscious mind hates her.
He’s in my dreams and stalks my nightmares,
And all I can do is write
Write a miniature prison around his memory.
Write free verse that I hope catches his eye,
And I’m sure it doesn’t.
I’m sure he doesn’t have a positive thought of me
The way I think of him in the quiet spaces
Of my normal distracted being.
He calms me, he makes my heart race,
He makes me want to sleep, then chases me from a dream
Pitchfork in hand, slinging my bladed words like daggers.
I’m THAT girl.
The hopeless romantic and helpless cynic.
He made this poet, the cynic, the thinker.
I hope he looks in the mirror and sees
The creation he so meticulously molded
And turns away with his conscience disturbed.

there is a certain sadness
and a certain beauty
in finding treasures from our past.
that old CD
that you used to listen to on repeat
over
and over
and over again
beaten up and scratched
until you wore it out
no longer fits into your music library.
that t-shirt that you wore to every musical audition
just for good luck
no longer fits around your sides.
and that photo of you
and your high school sweetheart;
where is he now?
his letters stopped coming at christmas time
about three years ago.

nostalgia is a friend
and a foe
but it is sometimes
one of the only things
that can keep you the happiest
when you've no where else
to travel.

death sauntered up to
the bar, a few drinks deep.

what's a pretty little
thing like you
doing in an ugly little
place like this?

i laughed
like it was funny.

i make poor decisions
i said.

why not make
better ones
he asked.

i'm having too much
fun
i lied.

his lips stretched across
his teeth
in a semblance of
a smile. he thought i meant
i'd be a good night's
****.

let's get out of here
he said.

i drained the last of
my empty glass,
slipped my hand into
my empty pocket,
fruitlessly shook
my empty pack of smokes.

they were all full
an hour ago. or
maybe a year ago. you
lose track of time in
an ugly little
place like this.

that's not what i meant
i thought.

okay
i said.

we grabbed our coats and
walked out into
the cold.

I made myself throw up tonight.

It was pretty
satisfying.

A lot of clear, chewed up
liquid
spewed out of my mouth.
I saw it after it
poured into the porcelain toilet

(I closed my eyes
for the feature)

and it was
pleasant, yet fulfilling.

There was a bit of
color to it;
I couldn't tell if it was
the oatmeal cookie
I gave in to, or
the cranberry
I forced upon the *****.
Either way, I liked it.

I've never shoved my finger
down my throat
before.
The results were
gratifying.
Like,
I could control my body.
Beauty.

Beauty,
I said.

Beauty.

(You wouldn't understand
unless you've blessed your
gag reflexes
with a polished fingernail
and received
a purging of
absolute sin
in response.)

I give up the ghost to new surrender
Give in to the last dying ember
And let the flames exquisite burn
And on every living creature turn
Let the serpent, heated, grow
Let it feast and reap and sow
And watch it eat up every soul
And watch it break down every home
I give up the ghost to new surrender
I give in to the last dying ember
And watch it char to quench its thirst
And watch the world turn to its worst
To see the sphere conflagrant nigh
To let the fuel of fire fry
Is to see the tide of battle turn
To watch flames die as they burn

Unravel your secrets.
Open up your mind,
Watch your wrists, they pour regret.

Unravel your secrets.*
Allow yourself to unwind.
But little girl, do not fret.

I will not betray you.
For I have secrets too.