Nine years later
Would I rather not have met you?
Seven years later
Would I rather not have fallen in love?
Six years later
Are second chances worth giving?
One year later
Fool me three times and I am a joke

I am not the ghost I thought I was
You are the ghost instead
Ghost that runs in my veins
Ghost that still inhabits my dreams
Ghost I often think about
I need to lay your ghost to rest

Because now you are happy
Now you are whole
I am the one who sulks in darkness and hates their own reflection
I am he who writes about time that passes and love that fades
I am the deathly cliché of a boy who once  loved a girl and now is nothing more than a phantom
What difference is there between the phantom I have become and the ghost you are to me?
Can I exorcise these spirits?
Can my conscious return to solid form?
What chains do I rattle except for those I forged with my own bad timing my own poor choices and my own disillusion?

I must lay your ghost to rest before it kills me
But I can't bring myself to do it
In quiet moments I bridge our past failures to future hopes and my present becomes limbo
I can barely look people in the eye anymore
I avoid it so they can't see that I am never truly there
I made you this ghost in my mind
You and I made me a phantom
You won't forgive me and that's ok
I can't forget you
And I will have to learn
How to make it work
Ghosts are only as real as your willingness to let them into your mind
The door has long been open
And you are always welcome in

I will sit on Saturn's rings and pray that the gravity is strong enough to include me.
Everything I am is an 18 year attempt to be a part of something.
I have no interests, no hobbies, no goals or motivations.
I'm not special
I'm not individual
I'm just another conforming non-conformist with a chicken scratch heart blasting poorly written suicide notes through my viens.
I'm sorry.
I've never walked through snow or sand because it's depressing to me that I never make an impression.
I'm just barely opaque enough for people to see, but even in my own life, I'm nothing more than a faceless character ment to present the lead.
I will never have a big dance number or a power solo.
My voice hardly even blends with the chorus, the waves of voices swallow mine.
The edges of parties and backgrounds of conversations are my habitat.
The sun does not know it pulls a solar system around it, and I am simply caught in the gravity.
Maybe I'm just being sensitive.


I mean, at least my dog cares if I wake up tomorrow.

Every poem's about who I don't want to write about anymore,
The ones who got away,
The ones who chose to leave,
The ones I pushed out,
All of them

These poems are full of the skeletons from past friends and lovers, gone but not forgotten,
Never forgotten actually,
My mind could never get rid of any of them

I'm feeling it all,
All of them all over me,
Suffocating me,
Radiating a toxic hymn from the depths of everything wrong with this world,
Humming a toon that could only be heard through the ears of the broken,
An apocalyptic afterthought of an apocalyptic messiah

If I choose to die, who will live?
If I choose to live, who will die?

How long until I am forgotten,
How long until I am a skeleton,
How long until I am just an afterthought,
An unpopular opinion thrown onto a popular back burner,
Everywhere I go, I have my back turned,
Everywhere we went, she couldn't look me in the eye,
I can't even look myself in the eye

How long until I forget about you?
All of you,
All of you,
How long?

Heartbreak and exhaustion have made a permanent home in my bones and they both are having such a good time ******* with me that neither of them want to leave,
I wish everyone who came into my life felt the same way,
I wish I had the guts, all I have are the bones,
I'm sturdy in my wants but flimsy with my needs,
I want you, yeah, but I don't need you,
It'd just be really nice

No, not the kind of nice to just take up my time and make me forget about all of the bad things,
I'm talking about the kind of nice that could only be accurately described using a situation such as kissing you to my favorite bands, or wrapping my arms around you when you're feeling cold,
You say you're always cold

Honey pie, you're the apple of my eye,
The girl they're always talking about,
The girl who has a ring to her name,
A certain kind of charm that only you could see,
You're the only one I see

I don't want, I need

When I'm upset, I don't cry, I scream

You're worth so much more than this,
Let me wrap flowers around your head and crown you princess of the garden

This isn't me convincing you,
This is me convincing myself,
Getting caught in your typhoon could ******* either further into you, or away from you, but I'm here and I'm settled down to ride out the storm, regardless of the outcome

I'll try not to get my heart broken, but I can't promise anything

i don't know if i even exist.
i am standing outside with the most beautiful boy i have ever seen in my life.
it moves me over and over to think two people could lie in an extravagant bed holding each other all night- through wind and rain.
the love of two people, a special bond i so envy.
i envy the children they have made out of persistent love.
no doubt these children will find someone who needs them and whom they need in return.
i feel twisted and alone.
oh my insides, my insides scream for a love that hums, simmers, and flares the way the secret fire burns as we get wasted.
i'd rather get wasted with you.
i want your hand stroking my head.
i want to feel important for once.
i want someone that i have been dreaming about.
i have been dreaming so long.
i am so important.
i feel like screaming, begging the universe to provide
but my belly hurts. my palms are ***** and my jaw aches
i am so tired of being viewed as someone to spend time with when there is nothing better to do, or just a 'piece of ***'
how disturbing it is to know that that is the image men receive when they see a semi-good looking woman.
i want to love.
i would take the complications with one over entertaining many.
i can understand why those men are always screaming and pounding on their instruments. no doubt they have been ripped open by the idea of no love.
the lack of feeling.
i can feel briefly and then
i am destroyed once more
i am looking for something i have never had
something i am not even sure exists
But i cannot give up
I will not stop waiting.
It is so clear in my mind.
i deserve it so badly

Over a lifetime, I never loved her,
Empty gas tanks,
Empty cigarette packs,
Empty paint bottles,
Empty minds,
Empty hearts

I keep carrying the dead with me,
Burying them in the back of my mind to form some kind of understanding of why things are the way that they are,
Why people don't finish what they started,
Why hearts continuously ache and break at the smaller things,
Why her father never loved her mother enough to stay around to see her grow up,
At least he isn't around to see her laying in the hospital bed,
At least he isn't around to see her struggle with the thought of why her father never loved her enough

Over a lifetime, I never loved her,
This absence is dizzying,
Pitch black,
Pitch black,
Swallowed by the memories of agony,
Every moment awake is a moment my God should've never breathed into me,
My god, I never should've let your breath fill my lungs

I keep carrying the dead with me,
Burry them all, burry them all,
Give me some sense of dignity,
Don't let me slip on the souls of the broken,
Don't let me become one,

Over a lifetime, I never loved her

Put me in your stomach
Chew me up and spit me out
I think American ****** said it best
"Stop sounding so ******* sad"

It's been raining all morning
I wake up to the sweet smell of your bed head hair

I'll kiss your hand til the sunrise
Because if you stay here with me
The sun will shine
And I will smile to spend the time with you

Stand in your kitchen
Listen to the Beatles on your record player
Dance like goblins
I'll kiss your lips to yellow submarine

Listen to the songs I played
I talk about your hair in each one

I can hear the sound of whistles blowing
Running down the street to catch the bus
I can come to your house
We can listen to knocked loose all night
Yell at the wretched sun

I hope this all makes it to you over seas
You're in London and I'm forgotten

Hear my voice and catch it in your hands
Hold it delicately like a baby bird
I'm so happy to see you now
I can wait for all of time

You're in luck because I'm forgetting