Turn Off The Lights

Turn Off The Lights Sep 2014

Nothing really matters
Not when I'm on my own
Not when I'm all alone
Thinking to myself
This is what you get
You go around thinking you know everything
Thinking you know better than everyone
When really they know better than you
You
Who
Don't even remember the last time you said you loved someone
You
Who
Live on your own and think it's all good when you're just lying to yourself
Lying
Lying
Just lying
Because the truth is too hard to handle
Because the truth is that you are guilty for feeling sad
You have everything you could ask for
A family that loves you
A good situation
Food on the table every night
A few friends who cares
The opportunity to study abroad
The chance to travel around the world at least once a year
The perfect life
You've got it all
And yet you feel sad, more often than not
And you don't want to think about it or complain
Because those are feelings you shouldn't ever have
Your life is perfect
You've got it all
Why would you ever be sad
When people are homeless?
When people are abused?
When people die of hunger?
When people are killed?
When people have reasons to be unhappy?
Why would you ever be sad?
You don't get to be sad when you have a perfect life
You don't get to complain
You get to sit in your room and cry when no one is watching
Because you're ashamed of your feelings
You get to act tough and untouchable when all you want is to crawl into somebody's arms and let them hug you
But you don't
Because your situation is good
And you have no reason to be sad
They all tell you to cut it out
You can't even sigh because nothing
Nothing
Nothing is wrong with your life
And you feel ashamed
Guilty
Guilty all the time
But the people in your life
They don't even see it
They don't see the hurt
Just the façade
No one ever tried to look over your wall and watch as the ruins of yourself burn and explode in pain
Pain because no one is here to built anything with you
No one cares enough to see you are just a shell of perfection
A shell of a person
A shell that can break under someone's feet
You are more than that
And no one sees it
Because they don't even care
They don't bother
They have problems of their own
Guilty because you were born on the good side of the barrier
You know the taste of good food
You know the feeling of a good bed
You've got it all and it's not enough
And as you break inside no one watches and you crumble
And your shell of perfection holds on
It holds on and on and on
And maybe forever it will stand
Leaving you behind those high walls, on your own, in your shield
Alone and scared and ashamed and guilty and hurt
And smiling
Smiling because you can't be sad

Turn Off The Lights Sep 2014

My arm

I don't feel safe in my head anymore
My head is telling me dark things
My head is dragging me down
It turns on me every night
When I hold on for dear life on the only arm that has always been here for me
I squeeze it tight and hope for the wave to pass but
It's not a wave
It's a Tsunami
Rushingrushingrushingrushingrushingrushingrushing
in my blood
   Coursing my veins with the incertainty of a future where I don't have to be alone
Coursing my brain with the possibility of a future where I don't have a choice
Where everyone around me has someone else's arm to hold onto
I have nobody else's but mine and it is
PAINFUL
Because I can't be understood and I can't change the way I am and
I talk
I write
I try
I try hard
I try so hard
I try so ******* hard
To be who I want to be
But
The weight is holding me back in the water
In the dark
Wherever it needs me
And I am there
Suffocating with the need to talk and the desire to be invisible
And I reach back and search
And hope for it to break
And hope it never does
And I go on to do things by myself because life goes on
And people move on
And no one waits for me because I have to hop on and make my own place
But as I watch them all go all I can think is that it's not my fault
I'm a little be twisted to the side
I'm a little bit twisted inside
I'm a little bit broken by years of not being taken care of
Because no matters how careful I am with myself
Each day I fall and break
Each day I'm a little more chipped
And I'm scared
Terrified of the day I will be one last chip falling into
O…
      B…
            L…
                   I…
                          V…
                                  I…
                                         O…
                                                 N…
Because we all fall astray
But I will fall head first
Because the arm I'm holding on to is my own.

Turn Off The Lights Sep 2014

Skinny food

I am tired
Of all the *******
Tired
Of watching myself in the mirror everyday
And think
"I'm not enough"
"It's not enough"
"I'm never enough"
Not skinny enough
Not small enough
Not gracious enough
Not funny enough
Not fit enough
Not beautiful enough
Not not not not not enough
Never enough
I want to dance in my underwear
And not care
About the size of my thighs
Of my *******
Of my ***
About the skin of my stomach
About the fact I'm not starving myself to feel pretty
Society succeeded
I feel like all I'm ever thinking of is weight
"Why do I eat that?"
"Why do you eat that? Do you want to be fat?"
Guilty
Of being human
Of craving sugar when women are
Expected
To eat
Air and
Grass
I'm not a cow
Why do you try to make me feel like one?
I'm
Tired
Of being taught to show off my shaved legs
And my flat stomach
And my flat *******
And my flat ***
Why are you doing this to us?
Why do I feel the need to dress like a *****?
And walk like a *****?
And act like a *****?
And not feel offended when I feel hands on me
Pushing at my clothes
Trying to see more
When all I want is dance and have a good time?
You teach me to show off skin
To starve my body
And you blame me when I get ***** in a corner
For being a ****
I'm just brainwashed
Like every other girl
Surrounded
By
Pictures
Videos
Slogans
Models
Guys
Who make fun of normal?
And ask
And request
And order
A skinny version of me, invisible me, size 00 me
Why can't I be myself?
And eat chocolate cake when I feel like it?
Why do I feel forced to eat a salad?
Why do I feel judged?
What is wrong with you
Making me feel less than I am
Worse than I look
Ugly when I'm not?
What is wrong with you
Making us throw up our lunches
And skip dinner
Wait for death to pick our boneless bodies up
When all we truly want is to be
Loved
Accepted
As we are.
I shouldn't feel bad looking at myself
I should feel bad looking at what Society tries to teach us
And feel ashamed that Humanity is Society
And Society is only what we made of it.

Turn Off The Lights Sep 2014

the color of your lips

The color of your lips
The pretty color of your lips
Trun grey when I see
What you have done to me
The moment my eyes opened
To the dim sunlight
In the morning of your death
I looked up to see your face
Covered in happiness
A smile up aimed at my grief
The shade of your mouth
Turned up toward the sky
Where I imagine you
I can't keep my eyes off this vision
Of the lovely person you were
Standing there waving me off
You would like for me to go to hell
But I'm holding on to the edge of the earth
Pondering your next move
Which will either pull me up
Or throw me down
Into the universe
Where I lost my heart
To the better part of myself
Where I keep swimming
In the ledge of truth
When I lie awake at night
Wishing for dreams to appear
But they will not
As all of my dreams swim in your eyes
Like a calm lake you watch over me
And smile again
Wondering when I will finally break
Break
Break
Break
Into an ocean of broken thoughts
And shattered dreams
That you mastered in destroying
Controlling and angry
Hot and cold
Sad and happy
I held my breath
The moment your lips turned blue
From me, choking you
OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I SEE
But I can't change the past
You have died by my hands
I have destroyed you
Like you destroyed me

Turn Off The Lights Sep 2014

Blind

I open my eyes but all I see is
Black
Blinding lack of bright color I
Try to open my eyes but all I see is the darkness of the world I
Want to see the blue blue sky I
Want to see the pink of love
The red of passion
The green of jealousy
The smile of friendship
The selfless act of kindness I
Want to see the beauty around my dark soul
The cure to cancer and all the diseases that plague the dying world I
Want to see the reason why their eyes light up their faces when mine
Rain all over my cheeks I
Want to believe in the stories told in books
Where the last seven words go
"And they all lived happily ever after"
I want to see
The simple eye contact of attraction I
Want to see the reason why people grin at the world
Want to see the colors of the rainbows but
I'm blind to all the good things in life
I'm blind to all that matters in life I
Am blind to love
Blind to hate
Blind to all the feelings because I am
Blind to the sun, blind to the night as they
Blend together in a grey canvas of hope and despair,
Of black and white
Of presence and absence
Of the reasons why the world is round
And why we have no such thing as peace I
Am blind to the kindness and the hatred I
Am blind to the great big world
As I live in my own universe I
Am a simple galaxy
Waiting for a black hole to finally absorb me in I
Am a grey canvas
And I wait.

Turn Off The Lights Sep 2014

You hate me

You hate me
For I do not share
The color of your skin or
The same God or
The same attraction to male gender I
Feel the hatred
And the pain in my chest slices like knives you
Hate me with all your heart but you don't have anything left
To love the good parts in people you
Hate me with all your heart but what you don't realize is
You're chipping away pieces of yourself
In this crazy drive to hate those who are different you
Destroy all the good around you and
You don't seem to care at all
When you complain about us you
Show us the reason why the world is going to **** and
You don't CARE at all but
We do.
We care.
We say stop.
This hate has to stop because we can do better.
We can be better human beings you
Can be better if you would just try
To see past the curtain of anger blinding your vision you would see
We all share the same features
We all share the same air and no matter how much you hate it we
Breathe together at once
We share everything in this world and instead of fighting it
If you would just drop your weapons
Made of insults, fists against our skin, crushing our open arms into boneless flesh
You would see
The other side is made of acceptance and gentle words
Made to soothe the aches of your kind
Made to dissolve the hate into love
You would see
We are just waiting for you
To cross onto our side
And each step you take is mending the broken bones
Of our broken arms
And addressing the wounds
We could offer so much
If we did not have to fight against our right to be alive and ourselves
IF
Only we could all stop fighting against what we can't change
We could focus on the changes we can make
A society that needs healing
We could teach our kids to welcome anyone with open arms
Without fear of being crushed
Damaged
Demolished
Fragmented
Injured
Mutilated
Shattered
Smashed
Split
In pieces
We could heal if one day you would just learn to
Love me for me.

Turn Off The Lights Sep 2014

Breaking things

Breaking things
It's too easy to break things
We all do.
We break glass
Wood
Bones
Hearts.
We all break and we all die
And you can't do anything
We break it all
And try
To sew it back up
Sometimes it works
Sometimes not.
But we are young
Too young to be broken
Too old to be perfect
We make mistakes
We all do.
We lie, we steal, we break.

#break

— The End —