i remember your voice the first time we spoke.
how it stunned me, completely,
it was comforting.
you told me every secret.
i cried that night,
hearing you recite the last 5 years.
through my tears,
you whispered "why are you upset?"
i confessed, "i cant comprehend how someone with such a beauiful soul, could be hurt so much".
you told me i was too precious for this world.
i told you i wished i could wrap my arms around you.
i wonder if you realised how much i meant that.
i walked the most beautiful fields with him, and dreamed it was you.
im an inhabiter of a vicious cycle.
of altering reality.
but i had to, just to be with you.
you talked vividly about the places youd take me.
your words rang in my ears all day.
im at the beach, its beautiful and i wish you were here.
you stopped saying you wished that too.
i drew you.
i made you that playlist.
you never sent me yours.
maybe i knew that you would drift away as youd assured me,
maybe i didnt want to believe it.
i always asked you to draw me.
eventually you stopped saying you would.
i hadnt smiled so much in years, maybe
you oiled something rusty in me
i hadnt loved so dearly,
in so long.
you made me feel strong.
saying you would never let anyone hurt me.
i felt safe knowing that.
even though you were thousands of miles away.
last week you drew him.
you showed him the same bands you showed me
you called him the same nicknames you called me
i smiled bitterly
and asked how was he
youre gonna see eachother in autmn
you think that he might be the one
youre gonna end up being something.
i cant help feeling that he is everything i wasnt.
since we stopped talking,
they started bothering me again
when your passion stopped,
i was crying so much that i couldnt let you see me.
typed out on my keyboard
things i didnt want to tell you because i didnt want to get attatched.
tonight we talked.
you did not smile when you saw me.
you did not tell me that you missed me.
when i said i missed you.
i said it makes me sad but i could never blame you.
i said i cant help it because you're so special to me.
your eyes did not flicker with a single emotion.
i love you.
but i dont want you to know.
i want you to go.
like youd never existed.
you are quiet,
you choose when to speak,
and you only do when its important.
and its beautiful,
that my word ***** makes me feel so small looking at you.
maybe you think its beautiful,
that i get so nervous,
just hearing your voice.
seeing the look in your eyes when you smile.
and its platonic,
its platonic because i only see your soul,
i see how beautiful it is ,
and oh my.
how i want to see beauty with you,
i want to talk to you.
i have fallen in love with you,
and thats a made up word,
but its what it is.
and oh god,
im sure you have flaws,
but ive never seen so much beauty in someone.
ive never seen a soul,
i saw your soul in your eyes.
its been 5 months or so.
and were trying it again,
in the place we last let it out.
but we're such different people now,
and i only just started getting used to not knowing your pace's.
we gave each other time to grow,
and i still haven't felt the way i did when i was with you.
or how you made me feel,
cold concrete grit.
ive forgotten what you're like,
i dont know if i want to remember.
there was something absolutely chilling about that silence.
your name echoed in the back of my mind, even though it was the first time.
once, upon a time.
the name could've been mine.
now sticking to poetry,
like good riddance.
you took the flavour from me,
and walked the distance.
i never had the courage to walk,
i wish id listened.
you stole the music from me,
i haven't written since you left.
i couldn't hear them scream,
i was indefinitely deaf.
you ******* ripped it from me,
maybe i could've being the one.
if you were alive to see,
me become a son.
you weren't not like me,
not your thoughts, they followed your actions.
i didn't know you,
i don't know your culture,
your social circle,
but it wasn't like mine.
theres something missing in your soul, you're the wrong note,
it didn't click,
it changed something in me,
to value my mind.
i like you.
you represent a self destruction, an epitome of hate.
but i like your rises and falls, a mountain range.
— The End —