Giving, giving: endlessly pouring

the best, purest of me,

rising, rising: falsehood behind

reaching truths only,

spreading, spreading: brightest lights

lighting darkest corners,

being, being: just for you

to hold when you fall,

pledging, pledging: heart and soul

Life, I'm giving all,

truly, truly: I am yours

Wonder, now if you'll be mine?

When darkness descends
lights go off,
small, big, white and red,
till its a blinding blackness
to hide me
from the world.

Yet another light dawns,
immediately so,
flooding me all around
like thousand  stadiums lit
for century games.

Then my heart and mind
caught in the glare
unwillingly play
games of reason and passion
in the beam less light
that you shine.

I wonder, just wonder
how can darkness
and my unseeing eyes
be so full of light?

Wonder why the hell I was born anyway?
Parents gave up to the orphanage
The orphanage sent to foster homes
One by one, no one really wanted me
And so I remained the "unwanted one".

Unhappiness hit, full to the being
Life was not worth living
And so I committed suicide.

But lo, even God didn't want me
Someone found me just before the last breath
Doctors rushed in, I continued to live
God saved me, because He didn't want me
And so I am forever wondering
Where really do I belong?

Your words came, deadly
no lesser than bullets
fired from ak 1 guns
causing instant death
of the self in me.

Metal bullets
could have been better
for there would be
weapons to show
to prove
a ****** committed.

My my living corpse
you see
walking to and fro,
the life was killed
long ago.

A meeting of its kind,
like many others in life,
that don't go as dreamed,
he sat opposite to me
in mood and body,
smoking Navy cigarettes,
loving every puff.

I sat, sad at heart
loving every breath
of his cigarette,
the passive smoker
for the moment.

But glad, so glad
to be there,
if that hour of smoking
gave  bad lungs,
one to get me going
to that final end
a  bliss it seemed
for
it will be taking him
or our shared time
with my existence.

This time of the year
its a different waiting.

When will tulips bloom,
and daffodils too
and the grasses will be green?
So that when you come,
your bare feet
will walk beside mine,
while we feel the cool blades
tickle our feet
we'll be lost for words
and lie down,
waiting for the spring breeze
wrapped in each others arms.

A different waiting indeed.

Waves rushing towards the shore
big, bigger, high, higher
wanting to take over
what's coming
and suddenly
breaking into surf
giving in
to what waits
on the shore,

wind rising
growing stronger
raging, destructive,
like a mad man
hammering head
on a wall
but when over
giving up to
to the calmness
of  the summer day.

with the wind
and the sea
I am running
fast, faster,
know not
when I will fall
buckle down
to the ground
to end my flight
for once and all.

wish there was a tree called 'peace'
under which I could sit
and feel day's tiredness melt
to blend with the earth's way,

a traveler on life's path,
Lord, I am weary today,
to you I seek strength
to allow me to move on
to other days

forgive me Lord
if body and mind do not agree,
just let me walk
a little more, a little more.

There's no  'me'
nothing separate
from fractions of time,
energy or life
big or small.

Like a ripple
in the lake
I rise to fall back
and flow on wards towards the sea.

Water, land or sky
I am a part of it all
another part of creations.

How do you fix feelings
that like melted butter
getting solid again
coil back to numb pains ?

What do you do
when feelings like
tasty frosting
taste salty
instead of sugary
and creamy
hmmmmm...
taste like salty grime?

How do you
fix a pizza
with too much salt in
you can't throw it
in the bin
for hunger gnaws
in terrible pains.

What do you do
if you want to throw out
that inedible cake
but have to swallow it all?

What do you do
when the life you live
is not what you wish
but have to keep breathing?

Take sleeping pills
go to sleep
and never wake up
is that what you do?

Shhhhh
but you can't tell anyone
never, never
till you see or not see me again.

I am inside
flight feathers gone,
my cage is closed
big lock hangs on the door
guards stand at front entrance
the castle gate is shut
heavy, iron bolts.

What are my wings for?
What do I do?

Can anyone hear
the dying beats
of this heart?
I wonder
how long it will go?

The thought room
where is that,
inside the chest or the mind?
Its too crowded with
unwanted beings
too many I want
to sit and have tea with
and too many again
I feel like driving out
so don't know
what to say.

Perhaps I should ask to dinner
those who stand with ambivalence?
What do I say to them all?

Its my body I know
but how they crowd me
is the cruel reality,
what do I say?

Do I dare even utter
that deep inside
I just want to be alone?

Its so often that i cry & don't know why

tears well up in the eyes

& before I can hold

just slide down & I don't know why.

They came when came

birth cry of my first born,

they came when I was very alone

and then too, witnessed

my confusions & chaos.

At times pillows soaked

or boxes of tissue gone,

and sometimes

they just came, streaming down

like a happy brook

or summer rain,

but they come

without fail.

My tears, always there

and they will be

till the end

maybe the Tear Ocean

flows right behind

my hazel eyes,

and my lashes, in empathy

open the gates

when I cry.

Ever heard of that Tear Ocean?


I don't know, really not

why I cry.

Earth held solid under my feet
with the first steps
when he held my hands
to guide me on
over grass or rocks

and lent me wings
with words to speak
for my wants
in times when
I had none of my own

and lit me candles
in the darkest hours
when I cried
feeling lost

and held me tight
in his *****
a world so full
with one alone

and, now suddenly
he's gone
I float, finding no grounds
love's strength gone
I know not
how to live on
dear father,
up in the heaven
please, show me a way
to go on.

I am dying slowly
leaves fall, branches dry
and soon the trunk will hollow
and I will fall
my love, the wind calls.

Cracking, breaking
then a thundering crash
and I will be gone,
down on the earth
whispering to the grass
tales of love
from the wind.

Wind, my beloved
made love to me,
gentle and caring
rough or demanding,
but it was life
sharing his game of force
with arms wrapped around.

On that fateful night
he held me tight.
too tight, too many kisses
with bodies entwined
he raged and raved
exploring my being.

While the hurricane sang
in the name of love
he uprooted me
to carry me away
to be his, forever.

Now I die slowly
betrayed on the way
he left me tattered and torn.

But my lover comes
again and again
making love to another tree
just beside me,
how crazy love can be
I wonder as I fall.

At times in life
I shrink and expand
like Tom and Jerry,
once I'm big like a monster
and again like a poppy seed,
hidden forces changing me
heedless to my whims.

I begin to wonder
if life is like that cartoon
flipping images and so
like Tom and Jerry
will I be chasing forever
those big and small sizes
as life takes me
as it pleases?

Wait, what am I now
a poppy seed or monster?
Tom and Jerry chase each other
but the life that chases me
is too big
to fit into the screen,
but all the same
it makes me expand and shrink
and I join Tom and Jerry
bigger or smaller
on the screen
not sure if I fit in.

Yeah, that's what you see
scarlet lips,
doe-eyed stares,
blushing cheeks
long black hair
framing the heart shaped face.

Ah yes,
a husky voice
promising good times.

And more
no less desirable,
am I
slim figure, revealing hips
curvy body
like a fresh rose
that you want
in fragrance and hold.

Do you ever wonder,
beyond the glitter
beyond that alluring smile
the all smiling look
who am I,
really?

I guess not,
like the apple you eat:
flesh you enjoy,
the core and seeds
are not your concerns,
they are destined
to be thrown away
when hunger is gone.

I'm missing touches of wind
following a heavy rain,
sudden gusts of coolness
soothing to the skin,
like an embrace
of compassion
a silent message
from somewhere beyond
a whisper, " I care,
just hang on."

Rain has gone,
Wind,
when will you
come again?

A moment ago wind was raging
over my beautiful valley
knocking on window panes
waking me
not to tomorrow, but
to yesterdays of long ago.

I was little then
and wind blew strong
and scared of storms
in Ma's lap I'd hide
begging it to go away.

These days though
I ask the wind to go
not for fear
but the memories
that it brings:
a blessed childhood
that won't be  back,
so wind, let it go
don't remind me so
or knock on my heart's door.

I lay awake last night
listening to the windchime
I knew for sure
it was telling tales
singing songs
and some poems too.
At times loud
at times soft
it talked and talked.

will the windchime be ringing
tonight, again?

Maybe I should be dressed
to join windchime and her friend!
Ah, yes I will listen
for the howling sound,
the first gusts of wind
and rush out
when it joins its friend.

On lonely nights
wind chime is my friend.

It’s cold outside
icy wind, freezing rain
and with snow coming in
Polar Vortex is giving
its hardest kisses again.

I open the door,
step out
breathe deeply
feel a chilly grip
on my heart,
but its good, soothing
for
there’s fire burning
in my betrayed heart.
I prefer freezing outside
than have cursed love
burn my body and soul
when I am inside.
Winter, kiss me, really hard.

Over snow covered paths
I walk along,
the winter wind
like blades of steel
slicing right through.
My breaths freeze
deep in the lungs,
I gasp for air
but only snowflakes
gently, lovingly
engulf me
in their falling game.

Chilly winds caress
till I feel certain,
I’ve lost bones and flesh
to an icy built,
and  am united
with the frozen land.

Like wipers on windshield
we go left and right
alone or together
but never touch
even as rain pours
we just go
swish, swish
none listening to the other.

Same windshield
same car, yet
we are  far away
from each other,
speeding away
to a no where.

My eyes stare at the brown branches
at those stubborn snow,
reluctantly the body takes in
those icy wind across the meadows,
there is a wish crying, shouting,
another banging its head
on the doors of spring,
while futile wishes ring bells
asking again and again
"Oh,  snow when will you melt
and sweet spring breeze,
when will you be blowing ?"

I wish and wish
that my impatient heart
could strike a note
on the strings of spring
to make it sing
all the tunes it is hiding.

It was cold and windy
snow piled high on the ground
as if adding to the grimness
of a bad weather day.
Every breath threatened
to freeze my lungs
and the ears went deaf
icy wind blown into them,
eyes cried helplessly
fighting with stinging cold.
And yet, somewhere, the heart melted
as I watched a tiny bird
singing on the bare branches
heedless to winter's rebukes
it was singing to life.

My lips unfroze
I whistled to the bird
and stomped on the snow,
happy to be alive
blessed to witness
yet another winter,
wind, blow, blow
as hard, as chilly
as you can,
so glad you found me,
breathing still.

Weapons of destruction are invisible
at times like emoional ****, abuse
black magic or evil spells
ricosheting from silence
in the forms of words
turning life to hell
till one bleeds
to hear them no more.
OR
words are magic potions
hidden panacea,
to heal cancer and aids
when they strike
to maim or ****,
words of love hold
where doctors fail,
we die yet souls live
when 'I love you'
cradles us
in life and death.

Love, at times finds no expressions
just not enough to say
how much, really how deep
you love.

As you ***** for words
in between the times
love gets lost,
for not finding the right words
at the right moment.
you curse yourself,
"****, I couldn't say it."

Heart said everything
that lips did not,
eyes did too
but she saw not,
now ears listen
to banging doors
as love leaves
on clicking heels.

There, somewhere it all hung
soul and heart bursting
to come right out
and say it all
of how I felt.

Yet, it remained unsaid,
and they hurt really bad,
as I watched you walk away
words remained sealed,
with tears gushing down
I whispered to the wind
" I love you..."
and kept hoping, praying
perhaps you will hear
and turn
I wait and wait,
three words,
only three words
still not said.

This warmth that flows
between you and me
is not of spring, summer
nor a bonfire or an electric heater.

It's warmth of a different kind
one that radiates,
no matter where we are
makes us cozy
and feel one whole
even on cold winter nights.

You hold me not
nor I you, yet
we feel a volcano erupting
between our  hearts
its core put into flames,
that my dear
is no ordinary warmth at all.

It's tender yearning
of two hearts
for each other.

It was pouring
as if gods had forgotten
to turn off
the rain faucets.
I walked
my heart dry,
fever raging
like volcanoes,
heart beating wild
thoughts in disarray,
only one thing blended
with the falling rain:
tears that came
streaming down
to join
the rivulets
and the puddles,
while I moved on
in yesterday's rain.

I opened the floodgates
and let the tears flow.
Ribs in the ribcage
shreds of muscles
veins, tissues and bones
all that seemed to be massed
inside the *****
holding the pain, the hurt
all have to wash away
with all the floodgates open!

And yet they don't go
no matter how hard I cry
no matter how my being shakes
sobs and heaves,
I try to clean up
and yet those messed up feelings
won't wash up.

No crying, no tears , no anguish
no shouting, no grief
seems to  be enough.
Tell me what can I do
to erase those pains?

Such a long time it seems
haven't heard your voice
nor seen your face.

Heart running dry,
no sharing
hopes and dreams
tears or laughter.

Years passing?
I sit to count,
and remember,
you went away
a day ago
yesterday.