2016 has
11 days to go
carrying memories
to timeless seas.

( written on 12.19.2016)

Once a baby
and then old
huff and puff,
the mid ones knit brows
troubled thoughts.

Lack of energy
limited spirit
hold oldies back
while babies haven't got it yet.

Middle wonder, this energy:
baby: it should grow faster
the old: should decrease slower.

Neither baby, nor the old
could really explain
a paradox really
true confusion.

The shoe pinches
for the wearer.

fraction of a second
or less
my eyes behold
an eagle in pause
from its flight
in the swirling air
then
a loud screech
fills the air,
wonder what
it's announcing:
a mouse dead
or spring come alive?

water in the reservoir
shows street lights
an' car headlights
sends a  letter
to me
in the night:
come back
tomorrow and
I'll have new sights
other cars speeding by.

In this land of immigrants
eyes unite
beyond race or creed
and I find
joy and sorrow
deep within.

Eyes surround,
wide, narrow, slanting
deep and bold,
green, brown, hazel
blue or in mixed hues.

All eyes,
they draw me close.

At times though
I gasp, looking at
eyes of a different kind:
cold looks
and racial stares.

But
there's the cowboy
holding me in spell,
mounted on his horse
with twinkling blue eyes,
he's the one
holding my skies.

This hotel has six levels,
Massive car parks
Sprawling floors for guests

That hospital has four levels,
The airport has three,
And the bus station too
Has its own levels
Level 1 and Level 2.

Boston railway station;
So many levels again,
Trains on Blue Line,
Trains on Red Line
Then clickety click,
Clickety click
to a big mall.
More levels to pick
To shop till one drops
From Level 1 to Level 4.

Wait,
I have a level too,
A level between rich and poor
Between richest and poorest
A middle class perhaps?
Or a lower or upper middle?

Ah, no, I fit into none
I wish I could find a new level
Just another level
That would make people mark
A level behind my status
A me, just a ME.

Wait, I am holding breath
there's a thought
that keeps me
if that breath comes
I will lose
lose it all.

Wait, wait,
I cannot breathe
no, not now.

When I fell in love
had no words to write,
how much or how many ways,
no music to play the exact tune,
no perfect color to put into theme
no dances to step in.

We held each other, but
closeness was never close,
not even hearts beating together,
kisses, never  deep enough
ending in long hours,
no ways whatsoever
just to say
how much I loved you.

Now that I hate you
once again, no ways
to express my dislike,
no midways
between love and hate.

The only difference,
I don't try to say
how far gone am I,
the broken heart,
it just doesn't work,
you killed it,
invisible ******,
a crime,
beyond measure.

Birth comes through warmth
as love is born amid feelings intense
and rain's source is in the evaporation
babies emerge from the warmth of wombs
while a seed germinates in a certain temperature.

And if death be cold,
is rain the death of water drops
rising out of the sea
and love is dies
when our feelings freeze?

Sky is painted blue
with or without you.
Looking endlessly
at the infinity,
I am with you
for,
your eyes are
cornflower blue.
If I look at the sky
it stares down at me
just like you
and opens its arms
to take me.

If Earth's core was a human form,
that would be me
I'm burning God.

Blazing ember spitting fire
shoots high at times,
bringing tears in rains.

Hot lava rumbles
setting forests in fire,
eyes catch rising flames
but see me not.
I cry in Pandemonium

Burnt to ashes
how do I spark my flame?
Perhaps, embers somewhere
still breathe
and so I write again?

Bonfires and wildfires
people see so well
but the fire in my heart
remains unseen.

If you ever come along
and empty the sea on me,
I'd would still be burning
till he came,
a drop of tear from his eyes
is all I need
to douse the raging fire
deep inside.

Didn't know
to laugh or cry
sailing in the Pacific
as clouds floated by
and mountains calling
for daring rides.

Looking around
at human forms
tears and smiles
I longed
to be a part of it all,
like one life
with countless wings

I stood still,
where to go?
I didn't know
and
don't know, still.

Shuttling between foster homes
life shaped me
to who I am,
while love and hypocrisy
played hide and seek
I drowned my real self.

Now I stand
on the road's end
looking for directions,
while passers by
stare at me
asking each other,
'Lost sanity, isn't she?'

I look on
baleful eyes
silent and wondering:
if life gave me choices,
where would I stand?


'

It was just one simple question
just asked
was it so hard to love me
as I am?
You stared into my eyes
and somewhere behind
you read my thoughts
and turned around.

Was it so hard to love me
as I am?
I had loved you
and made you mine,
embraced you as you are
why couldn't you love
what was really you
in my being?

It was just "US"
that you left behind.

I cry and cry
don't know why,
you look at me
and ask me why
I know not my friend
what makes me cry.

I walk in pouring rain
tears streaming down
that's much better
raindrops and tears
run down together.
Now
you will not see me cry
to ask again and again
why do I cry.

Are angels pouring
oceans of water
to douse the flame
burning within?
I don't know
why I cry, why.

Spring whispers
I hear your cooing
but
this is a different spring,
my heart is not on flowers
or on bees buzzing,
its with you.

Please lend me wings
to fly , to fly
way up high,
my flight
to freedom
and dwell
in peace.

Ego dear,
where are you taking me?

Pray, no first class rides
with pomp and show
with trumpets  blowing
as we go.
You and I,
as you know
have to live tomorrows.

So,
while I want my simple ways
quietly bear my days
and I will carry you well
without false veils.

My Ego,
you and me
let us live in harmony.

I don't know anyone else, but you
to tell that
when night deepens, I cry
tears come for no reason.
Perhaps I am in denial
of pains that I feel
or else, why does
my chest feel so heavy
even when I'm in my nylons?

On new moon nights
when pitch darkness descends
the tears come in torrents,
I can't hold them back
nor the nights,
so dear Poetry
hold me, just hold me
but don't ask me
why I cry.

New England winter,
where has she gone?
How come she forgot
the wedding dress of white
and the shiver of the cold kisses
that comes with chilly winds?

No, really winter, you
can't still be in green,
with grasses shining in rain,
and weeds still daring
to faces, now and again.
Willows in confusion
in January show
their yellow versions,
migrating birds too
hesitant in flying
to distant lands.

Let me send a mail
to spring,
to come in haste, for
seems you will be gone
without much cold,
may I know
what are the reasons?

New England winter
I wonder
if you be real and proper
in the coming year
or if I will be there
to see your long, white attire?
Hey, spring,
wake up from sleep
the trees are bare
no snow, nor flowers
nature waits for your your lips
to smear colors every where.

I am digging, going deeper
all my energies in,
have to find
have to put my hands on it,
Google, Wikipedia, Webster
none could help.

Forgot the whole world
so that I could find it,
but
within that time
you were gone
on my silence
you banged the door.

I wanted one word
for the love I felt
for you,
my:  one special.
Or so I thought.

It was a lesson
I learned a lot,
you taught
without meaning to,
but
thanks a lot.

I no longer say
"I miss  you"
though you are seven seas away.

Don't be upset
for
you are never far
from my heart,
so
how can I miss you?

I have opened all the doors
countless doors of my heart,
spring, winter, summer, fall
through wind and rain
in snow and hail
fall and foliage
and when cuckoos call,
how long do I wait
for you to find
your way,
so that we become:
you and I
WE.

earliest dreams
of a little girl
held demons
fairies and kings

fifty years later
they are same.
only
all more real
and have different names

dreams in deathbed
may be same,
rulers and ruled
chasing each other
in peoples' names.

real dream
sleeping remained
and freedom never came.

Always a dreamer
I imagine of going places
where I can't,
reaching the stars
that are never near at hand,
walking along Milky Way
knowing well,
it won't be any way.

And this foolish heart
falls in love
in the same way,
loving all alone
yet content with
love not being returned.

This wild heart
chooses to be foolish
for
love is something
that can't be erased
reciprocated
or otherwise.

I am no fleshy being,
no blood or veins have I,
am light or energy,
like all living things.

The core of Earth
***** me in,
I'm hurling down, down,
no rocks or soil
stop me
till I touch the crust
the core
the lava and
then up I go
spit like volcanic fire,
high, higher
up till the sun,
moon and stars
take me in
and then I spread
as a light
another living being
in the infinity of the sky.

Thus, I exist
beyond a physical  being,
try to feel me
with the wind.

This black and white shadow
the multi colored one,
at times color less too
makes me the color blind one.

It's that fiery phantom
flames leaping high
engulfing me
and yet leaving me behind
out in the dark.

This ego of mine
holds me captive
in the name of love,
I wish though
it would let me go
to be free
in the vast, blue sky.

This darknes
can’t be lit
by sunlight, moon
candles,
 bulbs
of 100 wts or more.

I’m lost
walking blindly
stumbling, falling,
waiting for you
to hold my hand
and lead the way.

The darkness
in my being
can only be lit
by the one
holding my dreams.

There's this thing you know
have tried million ways
to clean
hard detergents, dry wash
home and laundromat
and other ways
tried to erase
to delete
but know not
what will work
on this stain, a mark
its so deep
inside
somewhere in my heart.

Advice please,
do you know
how marks of betrayal
can fade? ©

Sunlight seeps in
glass windows all
and yet with blinds drawn,
"click'..put on
the electric light,
gives a worthy feeling,
of course
sort of false pride!
The mirror reflects
a haunted look
insomnia
on the face,
mirror, mirror tell me true
so saying
put on more lipstick
more rouge and mascara
Nina Ricci perfume!

Toothpaste
Colgate advanced formula,
or else brushing futile
breakfast cereals
latest blends
tea labelled "Twining"
I-phone pocketed,
boutique shop clothes
stilettos clicking
you get started
feeling good
racing the sports car,
race as if
borrowed happiness
will escape,
its after all
everyday happiness
on a lucky credit card
older bills
still pending,
still pending!!
and yet
these everyday happiness
keeps you going!

'Excuse me?' I asked
'Nothing, wasn't meant
to be loud'
You reply
'But I heard' I whisper
'Oh, shall I wait ?'
comes softly from you
'Ears heard but heart did not '
I reply,
and watched you walk away.

I don't like this station of life
nor do I desire the one that awaits.
Somewhere in between
lies a place in a void,
assuring me perfect choices,
forces allure  every way
up, down, right and left,
yet when I want to go,
that faceless space
in dreams says yes
and in reality says no.

The heart cries
the body cannot go.

Wind, you crazy playful wind
do you have to blow away
all the leaves
that will wither anyway
in this fall?

Stop kissing my face
stop tickling my neck
stop blowing my hair
stop playing with my eyes
or clinging to the body.

You can play with the leaves
the trees
as you please
but why me?
I am not your toy
to carry away
in the October wind!

I am sad today
you ask me why.
I stare at you
and you at me.

blue eyes
dark eyes
look at each other
seeking answers
in oceans of tears.

we cry together.

At times hypocrites get me
appraising glances, loving words
all the time, all around.
But I know
that really they are;
sugar coated poison.

I open my heart
hear birds' twitter
words of love,
open my eyes, see
flowers dancing with the wind,
all embrace me
with magical words.

My whole being lifts
to unknown heights;
a pure delight,
feeling loved,
so truthfully, so completely
by LIFE.
This pulsating energy
captures me
loves me with total honesty.

Out from my castle
far from the madding crowd,
on the bare earth
nobody around
yet,
I feel so loved!

I write poems when I am happy
I write poems when I am sad

Laughter echoes with words of rhymes
Tears flow down cascading in verses,

Warmth of kisses are blended in stanzas
Love every way, speaks in sonnets.

Now I am numb, dried tears, laughter frozen
Numbness has erased all senses
Poems do not come anymore.

Time, how could it be
you befriend me,
promise me life
and then,
when my heart pauses,
too weary to go on,
you do not wait,
but flow on.

You will never look back
even if my heart stops,
I love you time
but you love me not.

Mammoth butterfly
on red, spring rose
drinking nectar, ah,
more and more.

Spring breeze sweeps in
playing with the rose
makes it dance
till butterfly can sit no more.

Butterfly, butterfly
don't go,
wan't more kisses
cried the rose.

Tell me,
just in few words
sing one song
a line of poetry
or prose
tell me,
what to do
when one falls in love
knowing too well
it's not reciprocal?

Wait,
if that be true love,
he or she will give
with all that passion can
and expect nothing
in return.

But the foolish heart
does it listen to reason?

Tell me please
what to do.

Yesterday passed by
procrastination held the sail
and left the words in my mouth
left to be said.
Today I shall anchor
on a new shore,
but alas
I remember not
what memories had led me
to this distant harbor.



.

Is it some well known brand in tissues?
No, its the cheapest ones
Usually found in Dollar picks.

It's you I'm talking about
You were needed
I mean needed, not need
or will need,
And so you were used.

It was November  
Running nose, croupy cough
Irritating and unwanted things
Coming out of the body,
Had to be cleaned
With that tissue
Including unwanted feelings.

The tissue, too *****!
And when I threw it
In the bin
I felt as if it was you
I was done
It was used and discarded.
Like you.

Its a full-moon night
silver light drapes bare trees
where snow has left its lacy touch
the ground covered in whitish glow
a coyote howls far
unable to contain its joy
of so beautiful a night.

Its a full moon night
nocturnal world aglow
in fiery light,
fairies in silver wing fly,
I look on,
eyes stare in wonder
and
my heart is empty.

countless voices
cry to life
the giver
seeking, begging
give us
'more, more
and yet more',
till they hear
life saying,
'I shall give
when I receive'.

between life and death
life stares
and so do we
silence and sound
we ask each other
' what did we give?'

Wish
so badly at times
that bad memories
haunting ones
that keep replaying
after long nights of wine
and antidepressants.
would leave me alone
and go away.

Wish
I could  click them to 'Trash'
like spam mails, or
click the 'Delete' button
on my laptop
as I do with  unwanted journals,
sure that the mother board
would do its work
while I start fresh, every day.

I tiptoed into the house
lived in silence
like oxygen
giving life.

You heard
the door
banging shut
and realized
I was gone.

too many bad memories crowd
in the chapter of the past,
want to erase
no eraser works,
want to delete
keyboard doesn't click,
drink wine
to be out for the night,
gin, red wine, champagne  
none work,
sleeping pills give nightmares
of those past days.

I am chained
to bad memories,
please past
go, go away
and let me live
in freedom
a day without you
for just a day.

At times I can't go on
not anymore,
my steps falter
heavy is the head,
body weighs down
and
inner organs gone,
light like a feather
am become.

And yet, something
I can't put finger on
is too heavy
just over me
and I can't go on.

Do you see
anything on my back?
A mountain like thing?
It's a weird one,
so big, yet invisible
and trust me
the weight is unbearable.

I may be breaking soon.

Run,
faster, faster,
have to catch
and hold the magic
in our hands,
then we'll never
be apart again.

We pant and puff,
were did it go?
That shooting star,
it fell a second ago!

Your stare
and I too:
from here
where do we go?

Life is too, too.... what?
No words...none that come
             to speak of demons, lost dreams
                       battling inside,
                         a world war
                             in the inner me!                        
                                
*****  YOU !, YOU  FAT  *** !

I know, in poem, a thing of beauty
I'm crossing set rules
So sorry my "Poemie"!

But the incredulity of it all:
           cannot be without
                  those words so perfect!

Don't worry, its all said
Under breath, a hiss only,
For I hope, really hope,
I still hold on to some sanity!

Hold your breath
imagine
that it was the last.

Now let it go.

There is a blast
fireworks shoot high
up in the sky,
you are alive!