Long time I was gone
when I came back
it was a different reunion
even though
you and I have known
each other for eons.

Absence not only makes hearts fonder
but changes us too.

From me to you
and from you to me
it's only three words
that we need to say,
just THREE words
you know,
to make dreams come true.

Or is it really,
that simple to say,
" I love you!"

Why do we talk all day
but could not say,
those three words anyway?

Come tomorrow,
shall we try?

Birth comes through warmth
as love is born amid feelings intense
and rain's source is in the evaporation
babies emerge from the warmth of wombs
while a seed germinates in a certain temperature.

And if death be cold,
is rain the death of water drops
rising out of the sea
and love is dies
when our feelings freeze?

It's me, the real me you know
that I wish you would see
the psyche that stands before you
beyond attires of worldly need,
it's there only when you can see
really see you know.

Would the world a lesser chaos be
if we saw, really saw you know
what prevails beyond
all that allure us so?

What all that means really simple
you know
it's acknowledging the truth
for what is
beyond the colors of greed.


The soil gives life
to seeds that seek light
from deep within
likewise,
I have found peace
in the eternity of my being
hold my hand, will you please?

This darknes
can’t be lit
by sunlight, moon
candles,
 bulbs
of 100 wts or more.

I’m lost
walking blindly
stumbling, falling,
waiting for you
to hold my hand
and lead the way.

The darkness
in my being
can only be lit
by the one
holding my dreams.

I am no fleshy being,
no blood or veins have I,
am light or energy,
like all living things.

The core of Earth
***** me in,
I'm hurling down, down,
no rocks or soil
stop me
till I touch the crust
the core
the lava and
then up I go
spit like volcanic fire,
high, higher
up till the sun,
moon and stars
take me in
and then I spread
as a light
another living being
in the infinity of the sky.

Thus, I exist
beyond a physical  being,
try to feel me
with the wind.

It's alright to say, 'I can't'
right?

I can't stop crying
anymore,
reserved emotions
are like piles of snow
covering mountains
from top to bottom.

I can't hold back,
frozen tears will fall
like an avalanche
bearing my sorrows,
right now!
Not tomorrow.

I can't hold on
let me cry.

Waves rushing towards the shore
big, bigger, high, higher
wanting to take over
what's coming
and suddenly
breaking into surf
giving in
to what waits
on the shore,

wind rising
growing stronger
raging, destructive,
like a mad man
hammering head
on a wall
but when over
giving up to
to the calmness
of  the summer day.

with the wind
and the sea
I am running
fast, faster,
know not
when I will fall
buckle down
to the ground
to end my flight
for once and all.

It's
a new moon night
pitch dark,
no electric lights
or
candles lit
yet
a mystic light
fills my world
when in your arms.

At times I can't go on
not anymore,
my steps falter
heavy is the head,
body weighs down
and
inner organs gone,
light like a feather
am become.

And yet, something
I can't put finger on
is too heavy
just over me
and I can't go on.

Do you see
anything on my back?
A mountain like thing?
It's a weird one,
so big, yet invisible
and trust me
the weight is unbearable.

I may be breaking soon.

" Breathe!"
I heard.

Was searching,
countless words
I needed  
to write a letter
before I go.

But,
dropped the pen
shut the laptop.

One word
echoed on mind,
" Breathe!"

I saw the moon
through the bamboo leaves
a thousand times,
saw it peek
when clouds played
hide and seek,
and above the sea
as phosphorus danced in glee,
but
that moonlit night
when you held me
the moon, I did not see.

How can I,
when your lips
shut my eyes
and I couldn't look
up at the sky,
not even once?

Hello,
is there a way to stop
the bleeding  
on my wounded pride?
Hola,
how can I stop that pain
hammering endlessly
on my heart?
Bonjour,
Is there a tear drop
to stop my crying
before tears fill the sea?
Tell me, if you please.
Namaste,
Help me please
douse the fire within
before I burn to ashes,
will you please?

Marhabaan,
What, no one?
Just tell me, at least,
what did I do
to deserve this?

Have been that way
long, as I recall,
paused in spaces
that offered love,
co-existing,
spreading light
to nooks and corners.

Unwanted, if I felt,
removed myself
in silence
holding my peace
in respect of life
however it came.

Ans so
I walked away
without a single,
backward glance.

Your words came, deadly
no lesser than bullets
fired from ak 1 guns
causing instant death
of the self in me.

Metal bullets
could have been better
for there would be
weapons to show
to prove
a ****** committed.

My my living corpse
you see
walking to and fro,
the life was killed
long ago.

I tiptoed into the house
lived in silence
like oxygen
giving life.

You heard
the door
banging shut
and realized
I was gone.

If tears came in colors
tonight they are red
coming down my eyes
like rivers and streams
rushing to the sea
seeking solace.

Those ****** tears
coming in torrents
are emotional wounds
burst  unconstrained
and spitting pains
like a volcano
spraying ashes and fire
into the infinity.

But
unlike lava taking over lands
this sadness  
will take the blue of oceans
and make them bleed
till water droplets rise
and fall back to earth
yet again
and for once
you will see some red rain.

I am sad today
let me cry.

Midnight bells go
ears strain, eyes wide
Sleep, where are you?
Facebook, You Tube
insomniac's delight
take me in arms
cradle me but no use,
Sleep clicks heels with tango.

Passing breeze by the window
parts my curtains
outside, a silhouette stands,
a tree, a mystic form
against the night sky,
with rustling sounds
singing me lullabies.

I stare out
as eyelids heavy grow,
but the soul roams
with the moonlit night
till the body slows
and sleep comes.

Facebook, You Tube
faithfully play on
and dreams hang
on a  buffer zone.

I don't know anyone else, but you
to tell that
when night deepens, I cry
tears come for no reason.
Perhaps I am in denial
of pains that I feel
or else, why does
my chest feel so heavy
even when I'm in my nylons?

On new moon nights
when pitch darkness descends
the tears come in torrents,
I can't hold them back
nor the nights,
so dear Poetry
hold me, just hold me
but don't ask me
why I cry.

Too many questions riddle the mind,
why a St Patrick's Day to define my wine
when I drink like a fish every day?

A marked day for mothers and women
when I give blood and flesh,
everything I own
as a homemaker or mother
every passing moment?

I feel like giving a birthday gift
to my beloved every day
but can't
people would think I am insane
and so would my man.

Because I don't want a house,
a car, diamond or gold,
people call me a fool
but I'm richer than billionaires
with peace in my humble being.

I craved only love from you
no worldly things
yet you gave me a gold castle
while oblivious to my joy or pain.

Life is confusing I know
as proven again and again,
yet
why is there a question mark
waiting to be inserted
when life stares in vain?

Wish
so badly at times
that bad memories
haunting ones
that keep replaying
after long nights of wine
and antidepressants.
would leave me alone
and go away.

Wish
I could  click them to 'Trash'
like spam mails, or
click the 'Delete' button
on my laptop
as I do with  unwanted journals,
sure that the mother board
would do its work
while I start fresh, every day.

Shuttling between foster homes
life shaped me
to who I am,
while love and hypocrisy
played hide and seek
I drowned my real self.

Now I stand
on the road's end
looking for directions,
while passers by
stare at me
asking each other,
'Lost sanity, isn't she?'

I look on
baleful eyes
silent and wondering:
if life gave me choices,
where would I stand?


'

Mammoth butterfly
on red, spring rose
drinking nectar, ah,
more and more.

Spring breeze sweeps in
playing with the rose
makes it dance
till butterfly can sit no more.

Butterfly, butterfly
don't go,
wan't more kisses
cried the rose.

Wishes run, hopes soar
and I just don't know
where to stop
when my being
wants to be held,
just someone
to be there
outside flesh and blood
blended into one being.

Hold me, hold me
please, sh...sh...
not a word at all.

How do you fix feelings
that like melted butter
getting solid again
coil back to numb pains ?

What do you do
when feelings like
tasty frosting
taste salty
instead of sugary
and creamy
hmmmmm...
taste like salty grime?

How do you
fix a pizza
with too much salt in
you can't throw it
in the bin
for hunger gnaws
in terrible pains.

What do you do
if you want to throw out
that inedible cake
but have to swallow it all?

What do you do
when the life you live
is not what you wish
but have to keep breathing?

Take sleeping pills
go to sleep
and never wake up
is that what you do?

Shhhhh
but you can't tell anyone
never, never
till you see or not see me again.

Wait, I am holding breath
there's a thought
that keeps me
if that breath comes
I will lose
lose it all.

Wait, wait,
I cannot breathe
no, not now.

I found life
life didn't want me,
this is how it is
was meant to be.
Tears, don't come
I can't wipe you
no,
not any more.

I found life
life didn't want me,
this is how it is
was meant to be.
Tears, don't come
I can't wipe you
no,
not any more.

31st with friends,
fireworks, wine
countdown and hugs
ended then and there.

Deep within
didn't feel a thing
about time, I mean
knowing it will flow,
fast nor slow
with kisses or blows,
however marked
doesn't really change
a thing.

Back home:
opened the Chinese calendar
and Arabic one too,
while my lost hopes
found life
in new years yet to come.

I'm missing touches of wind
following a heavy rain,
sudden gusts of coolness
soothing to the skin,
like an embrace
of compassion
a silent message
from somewhere beyond
a whisper, " I care,
just hang on."

Rain has gone,
Wind,
when will you
come again?

2016 has
11 days to go
carrying memories
to timeless seas.

( written on 12.19.2016)

A moment ago wind was raging
over my beautiful valley
knocking on window panes
waking me
not to tomorrow, but
to yesterdays of long ago.

I was little then
and wind blew strong
and scared of storms
in Ma's lap I'd hide
begging it to go away.

These days though
I ask the wind to go
not for fear
but the memories
that it brings:
a blessed childhood
that won't be  back,
so wind, let it go
don't remind me so
or knock on my heart's door.

Life is shaping me
to be what I should be,
it shaped me
for what I am
it did hammer and chisel
in the past
shaping the being I was.

Wonder though
what does this sculptor
has on mind
to reshape me finally into what?

I will not know
for the last breath will still be
taking life's blows.

'Excuse me?' I asked
'Nothing, wasn't meant
to be loud'
You reply
'But I heard' I whisper
'Oh, shall I wait ?'
comes softly from you
'Ears heard but heart did not '
I reply,
and watched you walk away.

Burnt to ashes
how do I spark my flame?
Perhaps, embers somewhere
still breathe
and so I write again?

Bonfires and wildfires
people see so well
but the fire in my heart
remains unseen.

If you ever come along
and empty the sea on me,
I'd would still be burning
till he came,
a drop of tear from his eyes
is all I need
to douse the raging fire
deep inside.

Earth held solid under my feet
with the first steps
when he held my hands
to guide me on
over grass or rocks

and lent me wings
with words to speak
for my wants
in times when
I had none of my own

and lit me candles
in the darkest hours
when I cried
feeling lost

and held me tight
in his *****
a world so full
with one alone

and, now suddenly
he's gone
I float, finding no grounds
love's strength gone
I know not
how to live on
dear father,
up in the heaven
please, show me a way
to go on.

Green eyes, blue eyes
and some dark
stare upwards
sleepless, up and long,
looking on, reflecting
hopes and dreams,
emotion wheels fly up
like invisible chariots
of endless steams.

The full moon
listlessly looks down
illuminating all,
harboring secrets
of insomnia dreams.

It's a night of
countless eyes
locked on a moon
numerous visions
feasting one big truth:
Love of Life.

Like wipers on windshield
we go left and right
alone or together
but never touch
even as rain pours
we just go
swish, swish
none listening to the other.

Same windshield
same car, yet
we are  far away
from each other,
speeding away
to a no where.

You are stupid, foolish, crazy
pointless, senseless
in some thoughts,
at other times
good, wrapped in love
sheer joy from above
silent or aloud.

Life O' Life
tell me for once,
to you
what am I?

This is the tragedy you see,
he will never be
as I dream him to be
never feel the warmth that I do
never lie beside me
nor feel this closeness
in soul and body
for
he will never be
near to me, skin to skin
to radiate life within
when bodies blend
beyond barriers of being,
nor look me in the eyes
to seek this light
spreading with his touch.

It will never be you see,
for he sits on my throne
while I sit near his feet.
I look up for  light,
he never bends down
for he seeks not
what's unknown to him
a darkness that never broke.

It will never be
this new moon
will never be a full moon.
It will not be, not be
I wish I could believe
what reality is shouting at me
that hope has no life
in the futility of my pleas.

I cannot define this emptiness
that roams around,
in happiness
it casts a shadow,
in bad times,
me,  it swallows,
when senses go numb
it makes me go
round and round
seeking its whereabouts
and my full  life
makes no sense.

I cannot define this emptiness
can you?

why disappoint me?
I don't know why
dear Dreams,
in day or night
you're hopeless, impossible,
at times insane too,
don't play cruel jokes
do you?
I wonder though
if that is because,
possibles are impossibles
in my real life,
so you adjusted
in coming with dreams
of impossible things?

Question unanswered:
what does life hold,
on this fraction of a second,
one that is part of a minute,
a minute part of an hour,
an hour that's part of a day,
a day that's part of a year,
a year part of a century,
a century part of a decade
for eons beyond
AND, and, and, hmmmm..
Does it hold anything all ?

full moon stares
from a cloudless sky
night crickets drone
on and on
an owl hoots
to answer a fox
and serenading it all
my sleepless eyes
will not close tonight
not all.

earliest dreams
of a little girl
held demons
fairies and kings

fifty years later
they are same.
only
all more real
and have different names

dreams in deathbed
may be same,
rulers and ruled
chasing each other
in peoples' names.

real dream
sleeping remained
and freedom never came.

Didn't know
to laugh or cry
sailing in the Pacific
as clouds floated by
and mountains calling
for daring rides.

Looking around
at human forms
tears and smiles
I longed
to be a part of it all,
like one life
with countless wings

I stood still,
where to go?
I didn't know
and
don't know, still.

countless voices
cry to life
the giver
seeking, begging
give us
'more, more
and yet more',
till they hear
life saying,
'I shall give
when I receive'.

between life and death
life stares
and so do we
silence and sound
we ask each other
' what did we give?'

Hey
when I was sobbing
with tears running
endlessly, like rivers
waters falling into seas,
all I wanted was,
for you to pick me up,
hold me
hug me
and stop the tears' flow
with a deep kiss.

But,
I listened
to echoes of your footsteps
heard the door banging shut,
knowing you will return
on your time
with roses to console
tears that have gone dry.

Now,
how can I tell, how
that moment's emptiness
will never be filled
for important to you was
NOT  ME
but something else.

You
are you
I
am me
us
together
yet
we're
each on our own.

People call my names
I hear alright
answer too,
and then come voices
calling me
from days gone by.

I want to answer,
shall I shout, scream
whisper or what?
I cannot reach the past
just cannot,
cannot.

I love them so,
do you think
they will come forward
and join me?