I flip through, song after song.
Playlist after playlist
Looking for those sounds to sooth my soul
Nothing seems to cut it tonight
I only wish to hear you sing
To the world
To me
I only wish to hear you sing

I held the gun to my head
Loaded .357
Blow my head off
It'll be better
The cutting didn't help anymore
No physical pain hurt deep enough
To dull my tormented soul
I pulled the trigger
.
.
.
Nothing.
The chamber refused to release it's fiery doom upon me
That'll make you feel more a failure
**** I couldn't even **** myself right
That's a kick to the soul
To hear the click of that hammer fall, and nothing
To be left still seated and alive

Once again I lie here
The depth of the night shortly to give way
To the creep of sunrise
I lie here again my mind swimming with you
Words that could be said
Your smile graces my closed eyes

What is it to say I love?
I love many things, and experiences
But a word "love" only goes so far
My heart knows and my soul reaches out forever
Please take my hand walk beside me in the valley of the shadow of death
I am not here to lead you, nor you I
I do not own you, nor you I
I need no gold no paper to show my meaning to you
Struggles are of flesh, bone and spirit
Not of paper and gold
I wish to discover myself in you
And I wish yourself discovery in me

Pessimism be my bane
Beauty of life my salvation
Live the struggle day to day
Two forces at play
Succumb to dejection and
Pay an ever sorrowful price
Uplift to see beauty
To realize
Struggles of the here and now may grow
Into defining moments and fond memories

I have confessions to make
You radiate a beauty not before seen by mine eyes
Natural flawless by way of imperfection
I see you
I respect and admire you
Your drive, your intelligence
Travelled and educated I revel in your opinions
And take high stock in your solutions
I wish to come to know you better
Your eyes invite me
I see you've been hurt before
As too I
I wish no harm no anger between us
I would wish a million happy days for you
This is my confession you will never read
These my concessions of love

They say you shouldn't drink your feelings away don't they?
Well I'm trying my damnedest, and it's not working.
I try to drink you off my mind like those old country songs.
I try to drink myself to sleep hoping I don't dream of you.
Neither work
The drunker I get the more space you take in my head
I fear the sleep will never come
My decade long battle with the insomnia that consumes my mind
Only seems amplified with you stuck in it
What am I to do?
I guess I'll drink some more, and maybe morning won't come to find me.

Here I lay  The smoke from a waning cigarette curls ever upwards  My eyes see your smile My ears hear your laughter My mind finds you in this late hour Funny how it works Within the same thought a fleeting image in my mind My heart is lifted and my spirits dampened with pain

To say I feel different,
May be a coy understatement
To say I've fit in
Is to be blind to my shape shifting
I wander this earth
Like a rambler of songs long ago sang
In dusty bars under the stars and behind closed doors
Better at breaking hearts and destroying the love created
Than lifting from the ashes
Save myself.
A goal long ago abandoned
I embrace my mind and my conscience
Though pure neither are
Still I wait to be saved by love
I wait
I wait
I wait
No anger to beheld
No reason to get even
No reason to leave
Every reason to live
Every reason to trust
Every reason to love

I miss you. Yet know not your name.

Some nights. I see your blue eyes in my sleep. Not nightmare, yet not good sleep. Staring deep into my soul. Caressing dreams in and out, like a ramblin man singing the blues. I cannot awake with you there. My mind, my soul takes the torture in some masochistic fashion. I cannot look away for it is all our fault. You are dead, an eternal child. Never to know the woe of this world, and yet never to know the love of a woman, the love of  life. I'm sorry there was nothing we could do, we tried we tried we tried. Looking straight into my eyes with yours, I saw myself in the grey blue as life faded. I saw my future my past and my present. Those eyes almost perfect copies of my own. I write this to you as amends as apology. I will never forget that day, I will never forget your eyes. I will never forget your death.

I cannot love you
Like I desire
I cannot lay my emotions bare at your feet
Circumstances conviently bear the blame
I cannot love you because I cannot love myself

have you ever sat up at night
just sat there cigarette after cigarette
a feeling of what the **** is going on
why this and why that
the pillow might as well be cement
the dark inflicts more wounds than rest
what keeps you up
faces, expiriences
**** i dont know
its everything all rolled up
what words exist in any language to describe it
its your worst nightmares
and the best high youve ever known
they simultaneously intertwine
to become something resembling addiction
i mean what else could it be
its the best gift a mind could be given
yet drives you to see your dark edges
like fire and gasoline
its beautifuly destructive
but like ashes on the burnt plains
green grass may grow again

In the time since
I haven't got you off my mind
Mostly everything
Everything I could have said
Everything I should have said
I fear though my chance to say it all, is past
What have I done with my silence
What have I not done is the greater prose
My soul cries out in the dark
In the time since

STOP.

Think
Wonder
Dream
Believe

Eat from the tree of knowledge
Dine at the table of conversation
Bask in the golden rays of idea
To be learned is to be a student of life
Good times shared and bad times lived
All provide their lessons
How to live
How to die
How to love
The world will teach you
No lies to be taken
If watched and experienced through
Open minds
It is on you to take the class
Many before, present, and future
Will live blind and numb
True blinded eyes see only blue skies
Yet never will they truly see those same blue skies for what they really are

There are chinks in my walls though tall they may be
Spots of weakness
Where mortar and brick were placed too hastily
To cover up what was
I stand an ever watchful guard upon the parapets
Unwilling to unbar the gate
Willing to fight to keep all out
I sit alone in my false castle
A great and powerful facade for me to hide within
A projection of an image rather than reflection in truth
If left to my own these walls will only grow
Left behind them to rot
They serve to build a fear of what lies beyond those walls
Almost like the walls themselves
I willingly seclude myself from the greatest opportunities
Because it is easy. No
Because I fear they be only half broken by someone
To be able to see over the edge
Yet still too high to make that leap
I have seen that path
These walls still show the marks of repair
Like the rings on a tree
They mark the passing of loves, friends and family
I beg of you
Lay siege on my walls
I'm ready to see these walls come down around me
Bring your greatest canon and siege works
Although I am ready they will not fall without a fight
Take aim at these chinks, those great fears piled like stone
They will hold fast for they are old and high
Yet no wall can stand forever
They will fall
Walls will tumble and turn to dust
From the dust I will emerge free of these prison walls
To see the world firsthand good and bad
Please I beg of you
Lay siege to my false castle

We came together at an odd crossroads
Tumultuous paths the decision yet to come
I wish we could have met later
I can see we could make each other happy
But not now
Not at this point in our lives
Too much going on
Too much indecision
You and I are not meant for now
We've met at this crossroads
Sharing the same look in our eyes
Hunger
Want
Desire
But not now between us
We've conversed at this crossroads
An obvious connection most definitely
But something held back the intimacy
Some feeling that if we connected now
These crossroads would be our home
That cannot be, our hearts crave adventure
But down different paths we must travel
I hope our paths cross again later
Who knows what the future will hold
I only know
Not now

I find myself searching,
Searching for what
I do not know
I think I search to find myself.

No purpose
No path

I can feel the potential, the talent well up inside me
For I hide my true abilities
Under cloak and behind mask
I am afraid to let you know the real me

No friend
No lover

Could make me see my own self worth
Too prideful to make a submission for help
Too stubborn to admit fault
I stand alone of my own free will

Struggles and challenges

I see now
Older and wiser
Dedication and fortitude
Stored within my character
Shall push forward ever on
Striving for the next day
Paving a path to what's better

I see the err of foolish young ways
Trials tribulations
Love and violence
However no changes would I make
The world made no better teacher

I am here
I am now

Aware of myself
Aware of the world

I still search
I know what I search for
It can not be  quantified
I search for mind body and soul

I now search with purpose.

I do not wish to seem forward
No disrespect
I say this not of prying eyes
But of open mind
Forgive me my butterflies my stomach is full
For never have I said such to anyone
Your words have sparked my mind
Statements of alone despair
Feelings of seclusion no one knows
Feelings of difference
No one to talk to
No one to truly listen
Trepidation to unveil your creative mind and soul
To bear all for all to see
These feelings you speak of
They echo my own words never before uttered
It does not have to be this way
I see in you an artist
I understand the torment of sleepless nights
Unrelenting restlessness with no answer
I see you speak with nothing but emotion even if subtle
You understand how convoluted emotion is
Like the layers of a song
It is a sum of all parts
I see your wish to convey
Lost in translation in a world that doesn't understand
I too share these tormented nights
Fueled by whiskey and never ending smoke trails of so many cigarettes
I wish to see your beautiful spark unleashed on this world
I too wish my own to be seen
Two artists afraid of the world
Lost and looking
For ourselves
For someone else to share it all with
Support
A helping hand
To learn, live and love in an entirely new fashion
To leave preconceived notions behind
To forge a new path.
I try to find the courage
To speak these things to you
Yet I feel held back
By the very own fear and self doubt we share

My friends tell me you're all I speak of
How could I not
You have a natural beauty about you
Iradiant of something I cannot lay words on
An auroa is the closest word I can touch
I gravitate towards you since we met
Everytime in the same room
It seems we find each other
To this connection we share
Such ease of communication
It seems a constant debate but this is what I love
The ever swinging pros and cons of conversation
That sly smile
Those blue green eyes break down these dishonest walls Ive built
It coaxes an honesty from me no one but you has seen
How could I be untruthful with such truth in beauty sitting across from me.

I am just trying to find myself in a world with 7 billion people
How ****** is that

underneath all of my ******* narcinarcissism
the real me hides

I fear I have fallen
Fallen for what I cannot have

Is it really so narcissistic of me
To have the desire to be the person
To make someone's life better?

I look at you and see myself

I think I love you

Honestly
I just want to hurt myself right now