Four years since I met Rosie
Longest I have ever loved
and that moment was the best I've ever had
She is lost but not forgotten
She was on my lap asleep
It was just one girl in love (but it's not sad)

I would like to speak to Rosie
Tell her everything I feel
but I'm better off alone, than on her hand
Used to be I'm only happy when in my summer land
but for her I swear I'd never go again

That girls got something, I cant say no
Only bit of warmth thats ever come my way
If I could tell her how much I miss her
I'd give my whole self, plus a lifetime if I could only kiss her

Been Four years since I met Rosie
Almost two since she's been gone
She's the kinda girl who stays trapped in your head
I'm Hopelessly in love with Rosie
But it sure beats moving on
Got a feeling I'll next see her when I'm dead

Would you believe hot an cold can occur at the same time
mixing inside to tear up the outer goosebumped skin
**** poetic ******* this is my life and i am allowed to use the word I without feeling vain
LISTEN TO ME LISTEN TO ME LISTEN TO ME
I am vulnerable
and here he is standing stoic not talking to me little does he know he set off this chain reaction
"i dont want you to be my lightning rod"
LET ME
I have to be your lightning rod
if im ignored i get lost in my own head
yell at me it would bring relief
right now im trapped in a block of ice
talk to me
next theres a friend closer than any other leaving me in the dust
hes supposed to be my bestfriend but i am ignored more than any other
3rd is a confidante who is ******* terrible at his job i take all his ****
all of it but when i need a hand to hold im kicked to the curb
its always like this
and its all my fault im too much of a burden
im too needy i drag uninterested people into my web and strangle them with my information until they're fly husks and im empty
and theyre emptier
i feel terrible but they dump so much **** on me i need a break
please use me i suppose its better than being alone

your body is beautiful
so so pretty
coveted by the boys
the ***** ones
sharks
who devour the smell of blood in the water
the ones who thrive off the smell of their prey

baby we should cuddle
so so warm
and extra pretty
but I feel ***** ***** *****
because you have extra love baby
just for me me me
begging me for a little bit moremore more

lovely lovely
can I have a taste of the
sweet nectar
a little little bit baby
youre so pretty
a body so fine fine fine

its all a ******* twisted lie
to get your rocks off before you take a dive and ask a different girl
to prom

I'm scared of driving but if it would make this work ill get my license
- I would drive up every change i got
- Any time you need I would drive up 40 minutes isn't that far really
- I would drive up at 2 am if you asked me to
- I like you a lot and I just want you to like me to, and i thought you did
- It ***** that its like this but i cant help but feel that you used me
- I love that you made me feel wanted, and I hate you for taking that away
- If you wanted a relationship with her, why did you pursue one with me
- I just hate that you asked me out and then you pushed me away
- Why didn't you tell me before I asked you directly
- Did you ever even intend this at all?
- Why
- You said you didn't want to hurt me but you also said you wanted to give it a chance
- You sexted me this morning and then confess that you don't want me anymore, this was leading, why were you leading?
- Did you ever like me at all
- Why?

To see myself through anothers eyes
anothers diary entries about me
to hear that someone loves me deeply
but to feel so ******* alone
in every sense of the ******* word
all i want is to be wanted
to look in the mirror and see a lump of clay
fat thick and moldable but never quite fitting the way you want it
when i want to see a marble slab perfect and smooth rolled under
a perfectionists chisel
all i want is to be a first choice

My world is crashing down
here it is my home is torn from my grasp
my summer life is far away
without an opportunity to get her back  
im heartbroken
utterly shattered
in everyway I havve no idea what to do
all with one email and alone

and here it is my world is ripped in one piece of paper
1.94 is the number to define me now
my dreams of the future slipping away
pulled away by a digit
my art school hopes are dashed

and here it is empty again
left alone and finally i am so hurt there is nothing
i can do but sit and die

and above all i ffeel like im losing him
my best friend and I miss him
i cant believe how hurt i feel
i wish he was with me
and i wish i wasnt hurt

Alright little ones lay down to sleep
Little boy with his favorite plastic Dino
Little girl with her dolly
And me with my ragged cotton stuffed dog
Never was I binary
I don't know if I ever really wanted to be
I felt like I was walking on a tight rope and I was really **** good at it never falling onto either side and never ending

And that just kinda works for me
My family loves me
My friends are caring as hell
And I feel a little like I fit

i feel like melted butter
and i wont remember anything in the morning
if you want to use me tell me

Absolute Far Fetch
Colossal Mafioso
Act Alive Tyrant

Hell Broken Daisy
Delete Everyone But You
Strike A Match, New Blaze

*******, King Trainwreck
Unladen Swallow, **** ****
Devour Comfort

hugs me warm
so beautiful and hot
kisses my head leaving me pretty
left me sitting happy head rested on my shoulder
s o loving
making me see streaks
and electric violet lines

there are no words in my vast vocabulary that can articulate how much I want silence
I need there to be no words in my head, no words around me, no one asking me questions
just quiet

to be honest i dread being put under the microscope
and right now i feel trapped between slides

i just need silence for once
or maybe meaningless conversation

stop being cryptic and confusing
stop making me feel used
talk to me
what are we?

I see you sitting there comfortably blue
shin resting on your knees
mid sigh
why is everything i write caught in a sad moment
done

swinging, draped gown tailored to her body, sheer, covered in lace
onyx stone she slays any opposition
dropping spaces within
her labyrinthine maze
to squeeze out every drop of
renown for which she paid
tasting, craving every single shred of love and fame and praise
yet no one fully trusts her satin words
of manic haze
pressing fingers to her temples,
praying for a quiet page perfect moment
too eager, full of haste
desperate to maintain her facade of grace
her frenzied try hard card, an easy ace of spades

She was sprawled out,
draped in grey,
lying on her ocean bed
tinted in evergreen,
and wafting sumac scent
moon resting on a silver chain
around her neck
she was a presence of peace
loving eyes locked
lingering on the bejeweled strand
of pearls around between my breast

a seafaring man would fear her,
but a salt laced maid would love her

I've never actually felt this way before
But now for the first time I feel used
Text at midnight unassuming
Just enough to make me smile
You used me
Just enough to make you sleep all the better
While I lay awake knowing that I've been used but still kinda thinking that you maybe care
I'm only sixteen
Still young
Am I as mature as I'm told I'm supposed to be
Because I sure as hell feel like an idiot now

With my downturned eyes
And celebrity skin
I feel a little Lo

emerald hometown
hello hello
kiss me on both cheeks
like the french
I drew my first love  
neon naked
crooked and empty
just like her tiny
freckled hands wrapped
around the wheel
towards milkshake heaven
gay okay
just like her
smoothed spiked shoulders
poured like cream
on bone
rolling in peaks down her flat back
and her lace spun spine
to her razor knees
just like me sharp and
pointed by the outside  
but I know how soft
and faint hearted you are
like a flower
grasping grazing raising
goosebumps just like your
pine tree time starts
amherst and oxford nearly
miss you as much as I do
frazzled like your bangs
and ragged like your ends
sweet and daisy fresh

lani outstandi putting shreds of egocentric sludge
on the table shoving mushing into a glob of pulpy info
everything you you say matters more than the point of everything its self because you understand it so much better
---
Jim jam Morrison head
you know better than me the doors are your ****
loose lips and rotting teeth from all the conspiracies you spit
get your jaws in line buckeroo all you want is to be a white lighter too
---
hey listen close taunt her taunter
get me to say things thinking youre the king
never admit that youre the **** because people just know that about your oh so sly self thinking you trick me and leaving me out to dry you play it so friendly im not surprised

look realistically i shouldn't be sad
but now I'm small and shaky feverish and empty
I just wanna be held in the arms of someone who thinks they're tinier than I am
I wanna be pretty and little
and happy and creepy

In all honesty I have a headache and its my own fault
I cried all night
my throat hurts
but thats because I breathed through my mouth
sat stagnant pulling papers and now im still sad

there are things I press after I write
I wish I could just jam screws through my fingers
and attach strings to them
to make myself a marionette
con a better writer to manipulate my hands
so I may become read by more than one

messy hair
stragglers that float in the sunlit 7:47am air
cause trouble, **** subtle  
*** with cops and killers
bikini flowers windowsills
xanax lovers loom
ugly paisley wallpapered  motel room
making out in pharmacies
I want to leave because I cant breathe

People only like me for my short poetry
its not good,
its just things people have said to me
about the girl I love
I just wanna see some words I actually wrote
getting appreciated

**** me hard
and ******* blood, the blood that pools on my lips
after you ******* punched me in the face

I told you to do it because blood makes me ***** as ****
alcohol makes me ***** as ****
drugs make me ***** as ****

my dream guy is a drug lord
because he will beat me, **** me, and drug me up
and i guess that is what i want

**** give me *******
I've never had it but
it sounds nice as  ****

i like to be out of it
but most of  all i wanna be like lana del rey
and drink in the daytime

and taste the love of night

Drug lord?
More like drug *****
Binge drinking ***** on a Tuesday afternoon
Tasting blood on my lips from where I bit my tongue
thinking about rough hands on me
At all times
I wanna wear Lace ******* and a pretty baby blue bra
So when you put a knife to my neck I feel soft and loved
Feeding me *** brownies and oxy laced herbal cakes
Delicate in my mouth but reeking havoc on my body
Yayo baby
Kiss me and give me all your love and violence

Im not pretty
I wish that I was because then
maybe someone would **** me
I want to ride someone until they ***
but if I did I would jiggle and be even more ugly
I want to be thin

I sat at the Lighthouse and looked at the sky
feeling the breeze caressing my spine
little did I know this would be the last time
that I would sit on these rocks in the early july

I felt like an oyster on the half shell
hearing the wind in the trees casting their spell
The bouy rocking and ringing its bell
the sunrise is effortless painted pastel

life was so easy then

i heard you mention my name in an elevator once
coming up from the second floor to the penthouse suite
you kissed my forehead and dropped your suspenders
blouse, skirt, ******* hit the ground
all that was left were your white lace lined socks
and your pretty saddle shoes untied and loose
I ran my hand through my hair you one called apricot  
you seared me with your hands
and burned a hole through me with your mouth

eloise and i curled up underneath the christmas tree
covered in glitter, and pine needles
the soft crackling of the fire
and the nutcracker soundtrack playing over the speakers
safe in her arms and happy again

it is the ides of march
and i might not be caesar but
i want to be stabbed

******* **** me
and bury me in a cerulean lake
alone and cold and kissed
saddened by the puckers of a watercolored paper
and emptied by a lovers hollow email
telling me goodbye

Yellow eyes staring back at me
living in my mirror
hungry eyes weakened by the glory in gaze
whole in the body eager in the eyes
favor me

1st love beware:
all I wanted was to touch
eleven and feeling my hand on yours
Honestly I feel like I just couldn't help falling in love with you
with your Lindsay Stirling blaring as we get dizzy in the dirt
you and I were on ocean avenue sitting we played cards and you cut your initials into the window pane
You were charming and I was in love
in the back of the lodge on the moon
living in a childhood world our island
our training wheeled heaven

Second love my sad girl summer:
Backseat Serenade seated and talking in the sun
you tickle me because you said you liked my smile
a cigarette daydream before I even knew what it was
a love with an arm around me and a giggle in my mouth
you were the dream of my tween years
you gave me a lust for life again you trusted me
with all of your secrets
even though I was young the M word terrified me
but you were the first person I ever even thought about that way

3rd love something stuck:
You made me comedown from a fog in my head
living off something other than adrenaline
who says I cant be in love at 15 young relationships
don't let adults fool you though they don't last love starts from the day you're born
And also that makes me really scared Im really scared
you were the only boy I wanted to date in high school
you were my prom song, but I never went wrong

4th love girl everlasting:
Samson was never strong enough to hold me back
no matter how hard I tried I couldn't not love you
You were so tall, a giant and its safe to say I like giants
you were also so small but you gave me so much life
yet the everlasting question remains how do I tell a girl I want to kiss her
How do I feel so much for someone who lives so cold near me
I love to hear her talk as she rambles on rose
as if she weren't a wildflower
I spend my mornings thinking of a life without you
and my nights hoping it will never come to that

I understand that you are a lone wolf and I understand that you live in a ****** home, and I understand all of you because I am your best friend Ive known you since I am five but that doesn't give you license to treat me like a moth that flits around your computer screen when you're up late at night

I see all of the good in you and I see how capable you are even when you don't seem to believe it I support you in all of the dreams you have and the things you want to do and you don't care enough to look, you don't care enough to support me, to see me it seems like Im on the see through side of a one way mirror

I speak to you I ask you questions I make an effort to talk you you because thats what best friends do they take interest in each others lives they talk to each other and make sure that they know you're always there for them when they want to talk but right now its just the messages that keep getting delivered and theres no one on the other end

I love so many pieces of you and you say you love me back but theres a knot in my chest that just keeps tugging on me and saying that you're lying because you keep acting like I'm nothing to you like I am just a character in a book that you pretend you enjoyed for your english teacher

I do keep trying to fix this because I care so much and we used to be so good and I thought we were so great I do want to fight for this friendship but only if you want to because its really hard to bail out a sinking boat that I don't know is going down

I feel so hurt I feel horrible because everything is going down around me and the only person I want to talk to is you but I cant because you always make me feel worse always I don't know why I try to talk to you anymore because it makes me hurt its like Im telling someone to punch me in the gut when Im already bruised

I am so sad and angry at you and I just want you to ******* respond so we can either talk it out or quit now Because this is torture and you just keep hanging me out to dry and I just keep trying but if theres no use then please please tell me now so that I don't waste my time and keep growing attached because I am stretching myself so thin and I just cant take another heartbreak Please If you even care one bit about me you will just tell me where we stand now so I can know if we are worth saving

I understand, I see, I speak, I love, I do, I feel, I am not nearly as indifferent as you seem to be

1.You were real before and you're real now

do you remember

2. You are baby its all you

i get the shivers

3. I love you too

this validates me

4. wanna come with me?

i do

5. hi whats your name

this is just a beginning to something potentially new

I dont feel as empty when I think about you, I hope you feel similarly

im used

**** it im used

Midwest highway
sting of cold air in my veins
a rush of hope
desire flows
im happy wild and free

I ran into a house
metallic snow of my design
escape me to this day
ill find myself
where and when and why

I live for life
i guess you'd say i cant stand living
organized the boredom here it takes me back
too ******* far too wide

I miss the broken seashells
cracking on the rocks
overcast sky and shrieking gulls
hacking away at my own eyes
forget the life i left behind
i miss my island
miss my tide

you are the sound of piano to which I type along
close to three minutes long
my classical icon
as though i could close my eyes forever to you
you aren't true love
and I know that because I think Ive felt it
one hundred times
but for the hundred first time ive fallen in love with your music

I relate more to her than anyone I think
a kiss on the neck
and some blood in my sink
dripping to drain with tears in my eyes
he loves me he loves me
I would rather die
than give up my love
and give up my smile
my mister, my pudding
the carving the cry

I LAugh at 4:30am when I bleed in my bed
I laUgh at my arms imagining their place around your neck
I lauGH at you handsome when I see your phantom grin
Baby I would let you toy with my mind
My body My life
I am only happy when you're choking me dead

Sunny hello
I told you I'm rotting
You told me that you were too
and Im so in love
All I need is for you
to let me talk
for a minute
although I'm too afraid anyway
Ten year old hair and sweet *** eyes
Im in love
did I already tell you that
Im afraid
I need you to say hi first ****
comeback
I trust you

You don't treat me as an equal, you make me feel as though i am so small you say I am your best friend but you ignore me and make me feel like an ant next to an airplane

2. YOU REALLY HURT ME. you always really hurt me.

3. If you don't want to be friends just tell me because I will just keep getting more attached to you and it will hurt me more later.

4. This is so one sided and I don't want it to be please put effort in or let me know that I am just putting coins into a bank account that just keeps getting emptied.

5. I don't know what I did to change the way you feel about me. We were so close and now you make me feel like we're two parallel lines going on but never touching

hey Rosie Im just calling to check in
gimme a call back okay see ya bye
I heard you're not so okay
I heard you need a hand to hold
its hard to sit by a deathbed
and pretend that you're fine
Im kinda lost in your shoes
and I know you've walked a hundred miles barefoot
I remember when you were happy and wore my old tee shirt

Hey Rosie its me again
I don't wanna go home
not until I hear you say Au Revoir
its kinda lonely without your rock n roll blaring
and the smell of your incense you always leave burning
I know you're not so okay
its scary to watch someone die
Im kinda empty in your absence
and Im probably playing the lottery
until I here you say Im done with you

Hey Rosie Ive got a bad habit and its leaving you voicemails
since mothers day is coming up I was wondering if you want me to go with you to her uh.. funeral I know i didn't really know your mom but anyway, either way come home Rosie I miss you, and I wanna kiss your freckled neck and listen to you play the piano





Hey Abby its me, Sorry I haven't taken your calls Im sorry.. Its been kinda rough..
I need to leave, I know this is your home too and I know your family is here but what is the point if I stay
I don't wanna ask you to go with me thats unfair to you, but I like you
and I love the tiny details about you that are kinda irrelevant and it has nothing to do with anything but I miss them and don't wanna lose them I like the way your shirt kinda hangs off your shoulder and I miss the little scar behind your knee
sorry Im rambling, what I mean to say
Is I gotta do this now and I don't have many options and I don't wanna stay so I dont wanna ask you to come with me but Im going
and If you wanna come with me it would be an adventure

Abbs its me dont come with me you have a life here and I dont want you to leave it behind for me

Its me again, come with me Abby I don't wanna go alone and Im standing on your back porch now come out please.. wait no don't I'm being stupid Im leaving






Rosie its me Im On my way

how big am i
how big am i when i feel so small
my reflection lives in a funhouse mirror
thick thicker
short shorter
the curves of my body are as warped as the glass
and the more i stare
the sadder i get
i see every misshapen lump to my short stature
like an eagle looking at its prey

how big am i when i feel so small

my painted fingers feel like armor
when i rub them together i feel them pilling
i like pills
specifically oxy
it makes me nauseous
so does bourbon
but i dont mind that
it also makes me floaty
and black out
i dont like to black out i love drunk memories  
they make me feel free
even though im really stuck in a bird cage
it was my moms birthday
she smiles when i told her i love her
what have you done tonight
what do you mean
I wanna try coke
ive been thinking about that a lot lately
***** makes me feel best I dont get hungover with it
so I drank that too
I wanna stab my self
not for pain or anything (I mean i want that too)
but because I love blood i wanna see it
taste it
im done now

What word should i carve into my own skin?
Into my lungs? My brain? My heart?
I want it to  fit me but not too much because I am so so scared that it will fit me too well
because it will encompass all the things I am so self conscious about
I want it to be hateful because it will feel real but if it is too hateful then even I would consider myself weak
I want it to be loving because then I will look at it and feel strong but if it is then I will be far too full of myself  to even consider my faults
I don't even want to do it because it will hurt but I do because nothing will feel better than the pain
It was all my fault

all i want to do is
swallow swallow swallow swallow
i breathe death
and my painted knuckles bruise green in their luminescence
hearing her speak is like crushing lines
and tracing my entrails tract
you are not me
you are not me
you are not me
and i want to swallow the ocean
feel the sloshing tides consume me
burn the frizzy kinks from my hair
you dont see the light in me
you dont see me
i am so so much more than the minuscule sect you see
of me in this life
if i cant give my all to you
then i feel as though its clear that im so divided up
in my life that my the pieces of me cant collect enough
to put in your swollen arms
to call your own
calling me small is an understatement when in reality
i am so much bigger than you
and i may be crying now because you tell me that i am not enough
but in the end i will be so so much bigger than you

Im sorry
Im sorry Im sorry Im sorry Im sorry Im sorry
Im sorry Im sorry
Im sorry
Im sorry Im sorry Im sorry
Im sorry
Im sorry Im sorry Im sorry Im sorry Im sorry Im sorry Im sorry
Im sorry Im sorry Im sorry Im sorry Im sorry
Im sorry Im sorry
Im sorry

I wrote a letter the other day.
dancing around the subject of dragonflies
I don’t speak in their language
honestly its too complicated
because I don’t speak in nuzzles
I don’t speak in love
I speak in the cold attitude of indifference
I mutter thoughts in blue ballpoint pen

To him I speak in keyboard clicks
with a snap of a twig we flip
and we are in the same room
matching cereal bowls
emptied of their contents in the sink
We speak in notches on a bed post
and a mattress on the floor
We speak in unwashed sheets
He crushes my disdain as if it were a walnut shell
and informs me that I speak in my sleep

Whatever the weather we stay at home
stare out the windows at the fairy lit wilderness
jotting down whatever concepts come to mind
he is cream rolling in peaks
smooth and whipped
poured over his duvet
as if he were cool whip on peach pie
He is my worst intentions personified

I wrote a letter the other day.
dancing around the subject of dragonflies
I dont speak in their language
but he speaks mine
even though its complicated
we don't speak in words
we speak in private displays of affection
we speak in caring closed door moments
and the texts he asks me to send when I walk home alone
To make sure I am safe
and In the end I may mutter thoughts in blue ballpoint pen
but He reads them loud and clear and responds in love

and everyone i love gets a piece of me stretching me smaller and smaller until my love is wisps and dont have enough to knit myself a sock let alone a sweater but everyone in my life is warm and cozy swaddled in a mess of my knitted love

I felt like a pebble tossed though waves, unsteady, being polished by constant pressing tides
turning me over in Poseidon's calloused hands
gently but firmly held and cycled until smooth

low and behold i was dropped to dreary depths
left worthless and cold not entirely unlike a child's bike discarded in the rain to rust on their lawn
plain and simply alone

one would think it would be calmer on the ocean floor
but when the currents swell up it is tearing and straining
guiding me into every rock and rough patch on the coastal shelf
no longer polishing but pummeling, grinding me smaller and smaller

less of a pebble more of a grain, easily missed in the icy ecosystem
call me by a new name, and give me new memories
too many times have i been not just left in the dust, but turned into dust
you don't know how easy it is to overlook dust

spine puzzle pieces
click clacking into place leaving a column
in place of all of these stone wrecked pieces
people say i own the night but really I own a look
a look in peoples eyes that implies fear
and misunderstanding

rocking chair revelry
on a lively back porch patio
i don't believe i really belong here though
instead I'm more often found stuck inside a
stick and stone broken bone cavern
incased in faux life dreams of
the man i follow

I wish I was pretty enough to be a seventies groupie
Strong, and graceful
with famous men wrapped around their fingers
and life at the tip of their tongues

harlequin dancer waltzing to a song specific to your home
the hiraeth I have isn't for the house I grew up in all 16 years
its for the space in between your arms, fingers, legs, neck and shoulders
the space in you