Have you ever peeled a lemon like an orange
and dissected it piece by piece
and let the sour juice spread on your tongue
making your lips pucker

Have you ever licked the blunt edge of a knife
and thought what if it cuts my lips in lavish streaks
lending a hand in
tearing up my insides  

Have you ever snorted a line of pepper
just for the hell of it
to let it rip up my nose and sneeze until I cough up blood
I haven't...

I haven't sneezed since 1943

I wish I was an old ******* greek man
because then I would be dead and treasured
hubristic immortal

I was dissecting a box of candy today
and I thought of her I found one that had a warped smily face and it just seemed to be how I feel around you
skewed and distorted
i rested that heart on my tongue and it melted in my mouth

Whenever I get cold I think of you
because I put on my warm yellow sweater the same one that you have
because it gives me a feeling like you're near me
(happy)

i want to eat my arms
devour my legs
my heart
every bit of my body
so that i can be a morsel of my soul
so that i can be tiny
tiny
tiny tiny

I wish my stomach was flatter
I was more hairless
My **** were symmetrical
My *** existed
But **** all because it isn't

her laugh is like small bells
it makes me numb
and tingly
i smell like her and I love it
piano girl

i lose so many people on this sick journey to nowhere
honestly its so **** draining

hush little moon, don't say a word
freezing is not your demise
autumn will come and go but guilt lasts until you weep over a strangers grave

hold on little duckling, your time will come
stationary living isn't for people like us
winters will fill you, **** will weigh down your bones but hurt will taint the living

sleep little seashell, just close your eyes
homely overseers spitting "thrivethrivethrIVETHRIVETHRIVE"
summer makes us tear out sinew from our muscles and pray to the great spirit we are washed away by the tide but salt water doesn't cure distance

die little raincloud, just drift away
owl eyes aren't without a price
spring takes its toll, but love cant kiss away history and prozac cant stop decay

in a park
lost my virginity
it ******

He is dead
******* dead
and I will never see him again
no matter how much I miss him
or how much I cry or scream he will never come back
Ive loved
Ive lost
But i cant ******* seem to love again no matter
how much I try
never again will I hold his hand or hear him tell me he loves me
****
he is dead and I don't want to believe it
But he is
his last words were to tell me he loves me eternally
mine were to tell him that Im stuck on him
he was sick
groaning wordlessly until I whispered that in his ear
then he spoke about how he loves me
I miss him
I ******* miss him
he is gone
but he now has his boat
(and that makes me sadder than anything)

You are a painting for sure
an oil streaked canvas that I just cant help but stare at
Because wow are you breath taking
I want to run my fingers across your ragged surface
and let your paint smear across my hands

I could also compare you to the ocean
because you are neverending
I like to sit by the sea and just take it all in
the beauty, the sounds, the smell, the feeling of it touching my skin
giving me goose bumps
just the way I like to sit with you

Now while both of those are as true as saying the sun is hot
Ive heard that you are a goddess. Is it true?
Because you give me the shivers and I like to talk to you
but if you are a goddess I will become too terrified of you
to react

she is an enigma wrapped in wildflowers, its true
and i love her

Deep in the woods I discovered the bones of a God
a fearless one who tamed the wind with her silver whistle
she was a kick to the chest on her best day
on her worst she was the taste of baking chocolate

I tripped over them, half buried under the hand sewn lace trees
and fell into her disjointed arms that sheltered me in their sinew cradle
I’ve never felt as safe in my life as I did curled between her brittle bones
she was a castle’s ruins in the heart of the forest

Deep in the woods I discovered the bones of a God
a gentle one who spat life into the ocean and dyed the skies to match her gown
she was a force to be reckoned with on her best day
on her worst she was an abandoned pile of bones

when I look at her I feel so tingly
and her voice sounds like piano playing
her hair smells like incense and ****
her personality and ideas are insightful
she's so smart and interesting
her poetry is so beautiful
being around her makes me shake (literally)
everything about her is so rosebud
she is sunshine

my first kiss was from a best friend to a best friend
i complained that I was fifteen and had never been loved
so she pulled me in and kissed me as a friend
it was nice

next it was a boy in love with someone else they held hands
when we kissed it was just a peck
his lips were warm but he was cold

then came a boy who fell in love too quick
i didnt know his name, all i knew was that it was in the rain
the music was loud there was blood on his shirt
and his tongue was in my mouth

following that came the one who hurt a pretty girl
we met online and testing was hard
i invited him over and we kissed my mouth tasted like mint
i was tipsy and my mom came home
he hid and he left she never found out

later was a boy who was super high
morphine helps to spell his name
he was desperate for kisses and i was desperate for love
he kissed me and later said cool
he didnt remember

most recently a girl who will never love me back
a fake kiss on the forehead but it was the best kiss ive ever had
she petted my hair and i loved it so so much
i was sad and she knew i hid behind my glasses but she saw my tears
it was a walk by in the dark and there were no words
she never dates she just has *** and i want to date her
she calls me little one or lovebug
and all i love is that

2005
I wish I had loved you then
when life was simple
and love was easy
when you and I were young enough to stay
over at each other's houses and
talk all night
on the mattress we dragged out in front of the tv
                 2010
I wish I had loved you then
When love was awkward, small
and you hardly knew what *** was
When we could look into each others eyes
and know that we were too scared
to hold hands even in public
and was lost when you kissed me
                  2016
Im glad we love each other now
when we're both sixteen and I learn to drive
and you text me when I got home
when you hold my hand in cvs
to buy condoms for our first time
when you kiss my nose
and clumsily love me

thats it this was a psa thanks

Hold my hand
turn to me and tell me "run"
close my eyes
breathe in deep
breathe out lightly
feel the tapping on the snare drum
living in my feet
papering my skin with canvas
to paint over my mistakes
so lets get on planes to the horizon
moss beneath feet
mirrored in the lakes water
breath doesn't fog this glass
caught in brambles
make a bed of leaves
for us to lie on
glancing at the sky
pointing out places to fly  
kissed my each of my fingertips
smiling saying "My oh my"
calm forest summer eve
hearing just cicada screams

Its mind blowing to me
that we claim stock of something so
cacophonous and vast
its like putting a for sale sign on the void

you are my makeshift harbor
the crook of your neck makes the perfect home
for my cheek to dock
your hands are the best place for mine to drop anchor
your eyes are the place I wanna cast my nets
and rake in all they have to offer
the way you face into humanities coastline is astounding
nestled in
seated next to riptides in class
and sleeping with tsunamis at night
but you are a makeshift harbor

Anything can be a harbor if it tries hard enough
the cereal bowl filled to the brim with cheerio boats
an emails inbox, emails coming and going like ships
a car radio, songs and stations crossing the channels
even a bank account, emptied and flushed with the change of a calendar page

but you don't even try to be so inviting,
you just welcome all in and feel like a peaceful home

rosie for you i am stuck in a state of limerence
i count daisy petals for you in my head
picking the light home grown baby softs
reminds me of  you moisturizing your hands with your
lotion and rubbing them on mine when you took too much
the abstract will you wont you concept
gives me hope and a knot in my chest
trailing into my tummy

I wish i could count the times i held your hand
in the dark
the same way that i tick tock those knock off floral fingers
rosie you give me some life back into my brittle bones
I wish you weren't a world away and I wish you were instead in my sightline
you are my horizon
push me into the future so i'm not stuck in your arms anymore

roughness
I thrive on it
Toughness
I live for it
Little girl of sixteen
Begging for ferocity
Tell me
Teach me
Mark me up
Pain is pretty
And I wanna be ******* beautiful

I'm a stone cold ******* practically pleading for my pale neck in between your callused hands
And blood dripping from my lip
From a hard bite that caused me to whimper

I'm a **** for ***** ****

The absence of air
weighs on the ever expanding universe
but ever expanding into what?
Into my mothers coffee cup?
Into an outdated chemistry textbook as old as I am?
Into a hollowed ostrich egg?
Into impossible space
An unoccupied place that cant exist
where nothing is noted
and flustered frames don't move
a moth wont fly
a blank wall that hasn't been built yet
and nothing blossoms, for there is no light

I had a dream I was a tiny tiny pixie
and I lived in an ostrich egg,
Riding kittens and caterpillars,
dawning an acorn shell cap,
lounging, indulging in a flower petal nap
I baked an herbal cake, delicate in flavor
I invited my dad for lunch, and he ate it all in just one bite

I saw him across the room at 301
With a piece of wood under his arm
and paint dripping onto his otherwise pitch black sneakers
Everything he says is backwards but  it makes sense
We spoke for a half an hour and I immediately felt like I knew everything about him
He told me his whole world in thirty minutes
I wonder what his real secrets are

I don't trust you

I hate this because it's a phrase that takes me to my knees

2. It's your fault

All I can say is I didn't mean to

3. I finished and its late and I don't really know what to say so thanks I guess

Utterly hollowing. I'm empty

4. Plenty of people love you. Gotta go

At least that provides some solace. This is sarcasm

5. May I interject?

No

I found the draft to my first suicide note
Isn't it ironic that I wrote it on the back of a job application

I literally have whisky hidden in a piñata
this is not a poem
just a fact
I'm saving it for a rainy day

Decadence layered like waves of fog
swept up in a world class, wide range whirlpool
road of autumnal glory, stained like gray day dream
peaceful in its silence, soft in its simplicity

however beneath that dream soaked ragtime sunrise
there was the sharp cut of cold that seeps into your bones
sealed with a padlock engraved in armored frost
drained of summer sincerity

Long have I lingered in morning's eyes
swept into her breath and held in her mighty lungs
holding the moment like a ripe apricot,
which is to say gently, in both hands

Though the moment lives in the light filtered through leaves
I live in the dirt cut from beneath my fingernails,
a warm leather jacket, pressed close to my chest, worn in the elbows
I live in my own switchblade sky

hello satisfaction
where the **** are you

To compare thee to a summer wind would be quite outrageous
frankly to compare you to a tornado may be more apt
because rather than just rustle the leaves on various trees
you rip through town and trash all that resides in your crowded path
unorganized you shred apart anything and everything

To say you remind me of a butterfly would be simply false
you are much closer to a mosquito
because rather than land and add color and beauty to peoples life
you **** every bit of blood from surrounding bodies so they are nothing but husks of what they used to be
so that they are as empty as you are

continuing on to a different point

I want to run my fingers through you're greasy smoky hair
to gently stroke your bruised ashen cheeks
and kiss the ****** space where your fingers were

gently love you though thats not what you would want to do to me or anyone for that matter

You are more for clawing my frizzy hair from my head and pulling me hard around
to punch my rosy cheeks until they're cut gory and swollen
bite and grasp my neck until its black and blue
and utterly tear me limb from limb

Though I love you so deep inside myself i know
if we carry on with this escapade Ill end up just like the others
with poison on my lips a bullet in my chest straight between my two *******
in a coffin underground as empty then as i am now

oh dear o dear
im late im late
Im sorry dear
By loving heart and dying ear
i learn from teeth spilled on concrete
linoleum is scary?  
and without you i am early

I left myself bleeding in the street
but most of all
most of all I turned to the jailor and asked about
the sea
he told me it was salty
and added so was he

His wife a younger woman
shes cheating with the warden
the warden, she loves women
and women they love her
shes never seen the ocean
but shes tasted salt between their legs

and still im late
a lying *****
on accident
defendant

I am the garden walls used
to protect me and I am the weeds that weave through the walls
and under the walls curving myself through cracks in my own cement
this is cliche

I sat at the Lighthouse and looked at the sky
feeling the breeze caressing my spine
little did I know this would be the last time
that I would sit on these rocks in the early july

I felt like an oyster on the half shell
hearing the wind in the trees casting their spell
The bouy rocking and ringing its bell
the sunrise is effortless painted pastel

life was so easy then

2005
I wish I had loved you then
when life was simple
and love was easy
when you and I were young enough to stay
over at each other's houses and
talk all night
on the mattress we dragged out in front of the tv

                 2010
I wish I had loved you then
When love was awkward, small
and we were innocent
When we could look into each others eyes
and know that we were too scared
to hold hands even in public
and was lost when you kissed me

                  2016
Im glad we love each other now
when we're both sixteen and I learn to drive
and you text me when I got home
when you hold my hand without shame
to and tell our parents for our first time
when you kiss my nose
and clumsily love me

and even then that fades
from contact daily to a nod in the halls
why do I love rejection
why do I feel like my entire body is a leg that fell asleep
why are we pending
why is it that I cant see a volvo without thinking about the moss on your windshield
why am I seated on the gross tiled floor in a dingy room trying to ignore the thought of you
why cant I look at my favorite sweater anymore
why cant I drink milk or drive that strip of highway
why cant I remember how love felt with someone else
why do I forget that I mean so little to you
why did I let you replace my big A with your little e
why cant I listen to Beethoven without feeling scared and alone
why do I let your rejection become me
why am I so scared that losing you means forgetting me
why has it been 1 month and nine days since we last spoke
why do I count that
why do I feel like disassociation is my default when you aren't there to tell me it isn't
why am I not able to look in that envelope without losing breath the envelope that used to take my breath away for another reason
But most importantly why do I love yellow when its eviscerating to look at

why do I love rejection
why am I projecting meaning onto a little grey arrow
why do I feel like my entire body is a leg that fell asleep
why am I pending
why are we pending
why do I feel so out of place in a room of friends
why am I so sad to people I love happy
why am I this selfish
why is it that I cant see a car without thinking about the moss on your windshield
why am I seated on the gross tiled floor in a dingy room trying to ignore the thought of you
why cant I look at my favorite sweater anymore
why cant I drink milk or drive that strip of highway
why cant I remember how love felt with someone else
why do I forget that I mean so little to you
why do I let that small reminder affect me
why did I let you replace my big A with your little e
why cant I listen to Beethoven without feeling scared
why do I let your rejection become me
why did scary tyler, or uninhibited jules, or violent todd, or lovely katherine let their names become rejection too
why am I so scared that losing you means forgetting me
why has it been 1 month and nine days since we last spoke
why do I count that
why do I feel like disassociation is my default when you aren't there to tell me it isn't
why am I not able to look in that envelope without losing breath
But most importantly why do I love yellow when its eviscerating to look at

tap tap tap
on the keys
rapping typing
skimming in threes
playing the scales in arpeggios
thinking about your eyes
and kissing your nose
waves of notes
mixing up the stairs
like a boat on the tide
or clips in your hair
i can think of you only
its become an issue
to me you are holy
and i constantly miss you

Greasy hair tied back
pink scrunchies haphazardly holding together the unbrushed strands
rosemary mint chapstick smeared between lips and lips and lips on lips
backseat bouncer, I'll leave when the dance is done
The same type of ***** this visual you get when you watch the sky turn in the AM
pink, blue, green, gold, gone
shoes off in hand, feet itch on concrete
to corner store barely open fifteen minutes
cherry coke slushies are so good at 7AM  
how dare you preach to me calling me
"Honey, Baby Girl, Peach"
listen to me for a change
Im no lesser than you because I prefer to live like wind
with a here today gone tomorrow mindset
It wasn't love, this isn't love
wont answer your calls, at school a nod in the halls,
baby my motto is pitstops and pitfalls
a brief rest for restoration, then back to hopping barbed wire fences
I don't mean to be mean but this is the last you'll see of me for a long time
because Love isn't real and if it is she took it with her

sun tanned thighs
mexico
whiskey from canada
teary eyes
and concerned lies
puzzles
pale neck bubblegum
flippy skirts
and loving from

Astronomy
On my mouth
Smeared deep into the corners
And stars entering my lungs with every deep inhale
Making me see nebulas
I've never seen a night sky so crystal quiet

I feel like I could dance all night
In the smoke of midnight fire
To hollow tunes that inch me closer towards the constellation creators
That make me tumble into a more interesting universe where I'm constantly curious but not anxious about finding my answers

Hollywood dreams
Teacups on silver afternoons
And a taste for blood and kisses

Posh spice
Bus rides roof top balcony
Truck stop bathroom

Barcelona real punk scene
Girls with green fishnets and mascara running from their teary eyes
Just what I wanna be

Her rooms smells like incense
the car smells like ****
her pretty brown eyes remind me of trees
pretty pale legs are lilies and home
her milky skinned back is bare just for me
I love her smile its milkshake made
her rainy red hair is leafy and clean
her yellow sweater is worn out and neat
but her positive space is lavender green

Mass Move system
1 am carry me away
Sunrise floated home
Greyhound 2 hours
each way to see your lovely face
down a shot of moonlight
miles and miles and miles and miles
3 books annotated
underlines like bicycle wheel spokes
skewed and rippled
4 eyes
worn and felt
scattered sleepers
curled in knots and felt at peace
5 texts sent
to different loves
sad but too real to ignore (too many tears cried dry)
dehydration kept me whole (denied)

hello body of summer,
I miss you
I was thinking of naming you beautiful
I'd rather call you mine again

Bring your A game suckers
******* airhead egos
egocentric allied liars
lying about all their passions
passionate about calling out posers
posing as someone much better than their own
owning everyones aggression in a ten mile radius  
radius of lonely people begging for a break
breaking hearts and hurting eyes
eying brilliant bodies watching them writhe
writhing into conversations
conversing about boredom
bored. im bored

Swell
cut back
trace the outline of my shadow
with caution tape
Holy ****, I'm about to die

Arpeggios
Metronomical beats
****** the tempo
with a chorale prelude
This time in Pig Latin:
Oly-Hay Uck-Fay, M-Iay Bout-Aay O-Tay Ie-Day

Out of key
with somber inflections
Press on my dear, Press on
with a dog eared national geographic
bookmarked to all the places I want to travel
One more time for someone who cares:

smile for your life
penny, pennies, 5 cents empty
bubblegum
lemon colored sheets
polaroid
hole, rolls, tigers eye
rock em sock em
for a while images giving
light life lost loss
pearly buttons, stolen moments
pinky plastic gems
walls of pastel
key west
mosquito keys
curly crown floral hair
masquerade spooky shade
kneeling keeling boyfriend jeans
clenching gut wrenching shotgun grin
andy warhol longhaired jeep
beanie blunts and lipstained treats

every word
limited to complements and criticisms
but overwhelmingly i still love you
hand to god i cant help but live in your echo
i cant decide whether i like it
im hurt and consumed with you
--

--
hail mary bluebird
kissing your cross
and spitting on my grave
snorting coke off a jesus idol
a virginal harlett objectified by every onlooker  
twirling from beach to beach
an idle drifter living in someone elses moment
--

--
the girl i love is painting for me
when oh
when can you come back for me
and respond to my teary hello

i remember when she ran her fingers through my hair
and i remember when she kissed my cheek and
there is nothing i miss more

Hi

Hey :)

What's up ?

Just on a dinner date w my parents

That's really awesome
When you get home can we talk

About what!

I don't know I'm just in a weird mood sorry if I'm bugging you

No no no astor I'll be home soon

Thanks so much

Sorry to bug you are you home yet

I'm on the way home right now baby what's up?

I dont know I'm just sad

About what little one

I just fall on people so easily and it's never returned, and that's one thing but at the same time I'm always used but never wanted
I don't know I'm just being dumb

Baby girl you are so loved. And you're not dumb at all! Are you sad about Elise?

Kinda but more than that I look at people like you and her and I see people so wonderful and beautiful no one wants me except for nudes

astor sweetheart love is so fickle, but I promise you on my whole heart that it will find you. You are smart and important and beautiful and worth so much love, you just gotta wait for it to find you. Lovely child I swear to you

How can that be true though not as good at people think I am, and I'm a ****** still

Virginity is overrated and it doesn't even exist
You are so good! And you're so little you have so much time
I'm sorry you feel lonely let me hold you

I'm just being dumb and whiny, but like it just feels like ever single one of my friends has done things and people on hell think of me as a little weird girl
I Just want to be wanted

I feel you astor, I wish I could give you a whole world full of boyfriends and girlfriends and support and love

That's you. But I jut want someone just for a little while to love me
I know I'm not the best looking person out there but I want someone to love me even for a minute

I promise you you will have that experience!!
Sorry that was an accident
And idk no one has ever really wante d me
Sorru

Don't be sorry astor. I'm here for you girls
I'm just really nervous
Thank toy so might
You're so amazing

You are baby it's all you
No actually I can't believe that I am even talking to you right now youre amazing

Shhhh shh

mediocrity is nothing
ice cold
grid patterned wave
unfathomable
and equally squeaky

put me in a box made of pine and lashed with leather boot strings
drip drop drizzle
the smell of rain
is **** on concrete
unkimonolike

moving like one of those
blow up nightmare monsters
whipping wildly at a used car dealership
feeling not unlike the owner’s mustache
which is to say greasy

frankenstein shoes and bubblegum sinuses
texture and 8bit timothy grass
talk to the priest nudge him my way
we’ll share a cup of milk and honey
dont forget to eat the stars like blisters

ice cold
mediocrity is nothing
but my *** hitting the ground
when i slip on a wet rock

Most likely to Break hearts:
She lives in a world of ***
Hands around her neck, hickies on her hips, and blood on her boyfriends tattooed fists
Dating boys who are twice her age
She got straight A's but never will live up to her potential
because her *** is shaped like a heart, and her heart is shaped like a dollar sign

Most likely to Live in her dreams:
She wears twigs in her hair and presses flowers in notebooks
Scattered around her eclectic cottage
Living off  her woodland knowledge
Literally a ghost, no job, no life, no love
no ******* reality

EDITED:  MARK AS VOID (she dumped him and he fell apart)
Most likely to Elope after high school:
I can picture her running away with him
Living in ***** motels on concrete streets
Surviving on paper plates of buttered toast and styrofoam cups filled with bitter black coffee
kissing under stars in empty parking lots
She loves him so much not even I can see them falling apart

Most likely to Fry his brain on drugs:
Alone in his room
Bowl packed, lungs filled with skunked up smoke
Laughing at nothing listening to loud *** rap music
I can see his future its as empty as his head
Tripping up the stairs to his heavenly room to **** down more stale air
and taste clouds

Most Likely to Become a Stripper:
He looks like a stud with hair of gold
Picturing him with dollar bills being stuffed in his G string is an easy image.
His solid heart makes him strong
but his craving for a boy to love him makes him weak
I love him

EDITED:I AM NO LONGER A ****** BUT IM STILL UNLOVED
I am just most likely to die a young ******, drunk on *****, high on illegal drugs, melancholy about nothing, and empty inside.

broken broken
no talk
slice speech
words done
end

I wanna be a polaroid girl

I think that everyone knows at least one.
You don't ever have to say a word to them and yet they completely turn your life upside down and you end up kissing the concrete where your feet should be.
They are always on an adventure and you're just along for the ride
There are no rumors about them
Because every single one you hear is just a half truth

They are always beautiful, always free, always wild and utterly careless.
The life of a polaroid girl is not easily obtained its more something that they're born into
but you can always see one in the making

I want to be a rosebud like them
they are legendary but easily forgotten
and they live in a glorified loneliness because everyone is just a passenger in their lives they hop in and hop out
everyone idolizes them but no one fulfills them

they thrive on *** you can see it in their eyes

they're always stuck in the summer haze that helps define them

they have ******* and acid flowing in their veins
and alcohol on their breath

I wanna live on the breezy landscape photo that you have no memory of taking but treasure and never show a soul