What word should i carve into my own skin?
Into my lungs? My brain? My heart?
I want it to  fit me but not too much because I am so so scared that it will fit me too well
because it will encompass all the things I am so self conscious about
I want it to be hateful because it will feel real but if it is too hateful then even I would consider myself weak
I want it to be loving because then I will look at it and feel strong but if it is then I will be far too full of myself  to even consider my faults
I don't even want to do it because it will hurt but I do because nothing will feel better than the pain
It was all my fault

i lose so many people on this sick journey to nowhere
honestly its so **** draining

hush little moon, don't say a word
freezing is not your demise
autumn will come and go but guilt lasts until you weep over a strangers grave

hold on little duckling, your time will come
stationary living isn't for people like us
winters will fill you, **** will weigh down your bones but hurt will taint the living

sleep little seashell, just close your eyes
homely overseers spitting "thrivethrivethrIVETHRIVETHRIVE"
summer makes us tear out sinew from our muscles and pray to the great spirit we are washed away by the tide but salt water doesn't cure distance

die little raincloud, just drift away
owl eyes aren't without a price
spring takes its toll, but love cant kiss away history and prozac cant stop decay

2005
I wish I had loved you then
when life was simple
and love was easy
when you and I were young enough to stay
over at each other's houses and
talk all night
on the mattress we dragged out in front of the tv
                 2010
I wish I had loved you then
When love was awkward, small
and you hardly knew what *** was
When we could look into each others eyes
and know that we were too scared
to hold hands even in public
and was lost when you kissed me
                  2016
Im glad we love each other now
when we're both sixteen and I learn to drive
and you text me when I got home
when you hold my hand in cvs
to buy condoms for our first time
when you kiss my nose
and clumsily love me

decompressing on a mattress
a white one without sheets
wearing bug *******
and  the loose yellow sweater
with the worn out elbows
and too long sleeves

I saw you walking
you looked so small
like a rosebud
it was raining and i was so in love
the outside of the windows looks like a forest
despite my suburban life.
i loved you so much

hello satisfaction
where the **** are you

rosie for you i am stuck in a state of limerence
i count daisy petals for you in my head
picking the light home grown baby softs
reminds me of  you moisturizing your hands with your
lotion and rubbing them on mine when you took too much
the abstract will you wont you concept
gives me hope and a knot in my chest
trailing into my tummy

I wish i could count the times i held your hand
in the dark
the same way that i tick tock those knock off floral fingers
rosie you give me some life back into my brittle bones
I wish you weren't a world away and I wish you were instead in my sightline
you are my horizon
push me into the future so i'm not stuck in your arms anymore

it is the ides of march
and i might not be caesar but
i want to be stabbed

******* **** me
and bury me in a cerulean lake
alone and cold and kissed
saddened by the puckers of a watercolored paper
and emptied by a lovers hollow email
telling me goodbye

hugs me warm
so beautiful and hot
kisses my head leaving me pretty
left me sitting happy head rested on my shoulder
s o loving
making me see streaks
and electric violet lines

You said you hadnt been kissed in a while
i told you i would kiss you
you said youd kiss me back and im overjoyed
I love you
The rest of my night was a swirled druggy haze

i feel like melted butter
and i wont remember anything in the morning
if you want to use me tell me

my painted fingers feel like armor
when i rub them together i feel them pilling
i like pills
specifically oxy
it makes me nauseous
so does bourbon
but i dont mind that
it also makes me floaty
and black out
i dont like to black out i love drunk memories  
they make me feel free
even though im really stuck in a bird cage
it was my moms birthday
she smiles when i told her i love her
what have you done tonight
what do you mean
I wanna try coke
ive been thinking about that a lot lately
***** makes me feel best I dont get hungover with it
so I drank that too
I wanna stab my self
not for pain or anything (I mean i want that too)
but because I love blood i wanna see it
taste it
im done now

you are the sound of piano to which I type along
close to three minutes long
my classical icon
as though i could close my eyes forever to you
you aren't true love
and I know that because I think Ive felt it
one hundred times
but for the hundred first time ive fallen in love with your music

look realistically i shouldn't be sad
but now I'm small and shaky feverish and empty
I just wanna be held in the arms of someone who thinks they're tinier than I am
I wanna be pretty and little
and happy and creepy

In all honesty I have a headache and its my own fault
I cried all night
my throat hurts
but thats because I breathed through my mouth
sat stagnant pulling papers and now im still sad

im used

**** it im used

there are things I press after I write
I wish I could just jam screws through my fingers
and attach strings to them
to make myself a marionette
con a better writer to manipulate my hands
so I may become read by more than one

Its mind blowing to me
that we claim stock of something so
cacophonous and vast
its like putting a for sale sign on the void

you are my makeshift harbor
the crook of your neck makes the perfect home
for my cheek to dock
your hands are the best place for mine to drop anchor
your eyes are the place I wanna cast my nets
and rake in all they have to offer
the way you face into humanities coastline is astounding
nestled in
seated next to riptides in class
and sleeping with tsunamis at night
but you are a makeshift harbor

Anything can be a harbor if it tries hard enough
the cereal bowl filled to the brim with cheerio boats
an emails inbox, emails coming and going like ships
a car radio, songs and stations crossing the channels
even a bank account, emptied and flushed with the change of a calendar page

but you don't even try to be so inviting,
you just welcome all in and feel like a peaceful home

I wish I was an old ******* greek man
because then I would be dead and treasured
hubristic immortal

Under my eyes I feel them growing up through the sockets and sprouting out like chlorophyll tears
The dandelion petals tickle my lids like butterfly kisses it itches
I think I should tear them out

spine puzzle pieces
click clacking into place leaving a column
in place of all of these stone wrecked pieces
people say i own the night but really I own a look
a look in peoples eyes that implies fear
and misunderstanding

rocking chair revelry
on a lively back porch patio
i don't believe i really belong here though
instead I'm more often found stuck inside a
stick and stone broken bone cavern
incased in faux life dreams of
the man i follow

Hi

Hey :)

What's up ?

Just on a dinner date w my parents

That's really awesome
When you get home can we talk

About what!

I don't know I'm just in a weird mood sorry if I'm bugging you

No no no astor I'll be home soon

Thanks so much

Sorry to bug you are you home yet

I'm on the way home right now baby what's up?

I dont know I'm just sad

About what little one

I just fall on people so easily and it's never returned, and that's one thing but at the same time I'm always used but never wanted
I don't know I'm just being dumb

Baby girl you are so loved. And you're not dumb at all! Are you sad about Elise?

Kinda but more than that I look at people like you and her and I see people so wonderful and beautiful no one wants me except for nudes

astor sweetheart love is so fickle, but I promise you on my whole heart that it will find you. You are smart and important and beautiful and worth so much love, you just gotta wait for it to find you. Lovely child I swear to you

How can that be true though not as good at people think I am, and I'm a ****** still

Virginity is overrated and it doesn't even exist
You are so good! And you're so little you have so much time
I'm sorry you feel lonely let me hold you

I'm just being dumb and whiny, but like it just feels like ever single one of my friends has done things and people on hell think of me as a little weird girl
I Just want to be wanted

I feel you astor, I wish I could give you a whole world full of boyfriends and girlfriends and support and love

That's you. But I jut want someone just for a little while to love me
I know I'm not the best looking person out there but I want someone to love me even for a minute

I promise you you will have that experience!!
Sorry that was an accident
And idk no one has ever really wante d me
Sorru

Don't be sorry astor. I'm here for you girls
I'm just really nervous
Thank toy so might
You're so amazing

You are baby it's all you
No actually I can't believe that I am even talking to you right now youre amazing

Shhhh shh

broken broken
no talk
slice speech
words done
end

tap tap tap
on the keys
rapping typing
skimming in threes
playing the scales in arpeggios
thinking about your eyes
and kissing your nose
waves of notes
mixing up the stairs
like a boat on the tide
or clips in your hair
i can think of you only
its become an issue
to me you are holy
and i constantly miss you

To see myself through anothers eyes
anothers diary entries about me
to hear that someone loves me deeply
but to feel so ******* alone
in every sense of the ******* word
all i want is to be wanted
to look in the mirror and see a lump of clay
fat thick and moldable but never quite fitting the way you want it
when i want to see a marble slab perfect and smooth rolled under
a perfectionists chisel
all i want is to be a first choice

No one trusts me
I'm just their little daughter
Their little lying daughter

I once heard my mother call me a *******
It was through the wall while she was arguing with my father on the phone
Sometimes I think he might be the only one who likes me

lani outstandi putting shreds of egocentric sludge
on the table shoving mushing into a glob of pulpy info
everything you you say matters more than the point of everything its self because you understand it so much better
---
Jim jam Morrison head
you know better than me the doors are your ****
loose lips and rotting teeth from all the conspiracies you spit
get your jaws in line buckeroo all you want is to be a white lighter too
---
hey listen close taunt her taunter
get me to say things thinking youre the king
never admit that youre the **** because people just know that about your oh so sly self thinking you trick me and leaving me out to dry you play it so friendly im not surprised

I'm scared of driving but if it would make this work ill get my license
- I would drive up every change i got
- Any time you need I would drive up 40 minutes isn't that far really
- I would drive up at 2 am if you asked me to
- I like you a lot and I just want you to like me to, and i thought you did
- It ***** that its like this but i cant help but feel that you used me
- I love that you made me feel wanted, and I hate you for taking that away
- If you wanted a relationship with her, why did you pursue one with me
- I just hate that you asked me out and then you pushed me away
- Why didn't you tell me before I asked you directly
- Did you ever even intend this at all?
- Why
- You said you didn't want to hurt me but you also said you wanted to give it a chance
- You sexted me this morning and then confess that you don't want me anymore, this was leading, why were you leading?
- Did you ever like me at all
- Why?

mediocrity is nothing
ice cold
grid patterned wave
unfathomable
and equally squeaky

put me in a box made of pine and lashed with leather boot strings
drip drop drizzle
the smell of rain
is **** on concrete
unkimonolike

moving like one of those
blow up nightmare monsters
whipping wildly at a used car dealership
feeling not unlike the owner’s mustache
which is to say greasy

frankenstein shoes and bubblegum sinuses
texture and 8bit timothy grass
talk to the priest nudge him my way
we’ll share a cup of milk and honey
dont forget to eat the stars like blisters

ice cold
mediocrity is nothing
but my *** hitting the ground
when i slip on a wet rock

sun tanned thighs
mexico
whiskey from canada
teary eyes
and concerned lies
puzzles
pale neck bubblegum
flippy skirts
and loving from

chilly coldy cold
**** the slush on roadside drives
taste the dust of icey eyes
lips of frost and glacial heart
snowy life  
cold colder coldest
what the ****

I felt like a pebble tossed though waves, unsteady, being polished by constant pressing tides
turning me over in Poseidon's calloused hands
gently but firmly held and cycled until smooth

low and behold i was dropped to dreary depths
left worthless and cold not entirely unlike a child's bike discarded in the rain to rust on their lawn
plain and simply alone

one would think it would be calmer on the ocean floor
but when the currents swell up it is tearing and straining
guiding me into every rock and rough patch on the coastal shelf
no longer polishing but pummeling, grinding me smaller and smaller

less of a pebble more of a grain, easily missed in the icy ecosystem
call me by a new name, and give me new memories
too many times have i been not just left in the dust, but turned into dust
you don't know how easy it is to overlook dust

Decadence layered like waves of fog
swept up in a world class, wide range whirlpool
road of autumnal glory, stained like gray day dream
peaceful in its silence, soft in its simplicity

however beneath that dream soaked ragtime sunrise
there was the sharp cut of cold that seeps into your bones
sealed with a padlock engraved in armored frost
drained of summer sincerity

Long have I lingered in morning's eyes
swept into her breath and held in her mighty lungs
holding the moment like a ripe apricot,
which is to say gently, in both hands

Though the moment lives in the light filtered through leaves
I live in the dirt cut from beneath my fingernails,
a warm leather jacket, pressed close to my chest, worn in the elbows
I live in my own switchblade sky

I sat at the Lighthouse and looked at the sky
feeling the breeze caressing my spine
little did I know this would be the last time
that I would sit on these rocks in the early july

I felt like an oyster on the half shell
hearing the wind in the trees casting their spell
The bouy rocking and ringing its bell
the sunrise is effortless painted pastel

life was so easy then

2005
I wish I had loved you then
when life was simple
and love was easy
when you and I were young enough to stay
over at each other's houses and
talk all night
on the mattress we dragged out in front of the tv

                 2010
I wish I had loved you then
When love was awkward, small
and we were innocent
When we could look into each others eyes
and know that we were too scared
to hold hands even in public
and was lost when you kissed me

                  2016
Im glad we love each other now
when we're both sixteen and I learn to drive
and you text me when I got home
when you hold my hand without shame
to and tell our parents for our first time
when you kiss my nose
and clumsily love me

and even then that fades
from contact daily to a nod in the halls
why do I love rejection
why do I feel like my entire body is a leg that fell asleep
why are we pending
why is it that I cant see a volvo without thinking about the moss on your windshield
why am I seated on the gross tiled floor in a dingy room trying to ignore the thought of you
why cant I look at my favorite sweater anymore
why cant I drink milk or drive that strip of highway
why cant I remember how love felt with someone else
why do I forget that I mean so little to you
why did I let you replace my big A with your little e
why cant I listen to Beethoven without feeling scared and alone
why do I let your rejection become me
why am I so scared that losing you means forgetting me
why has it been 1 month and nine days since we last spoke
why do I count that
why do I feel like disassociation is my default when you aren't there to tell me it isn't
why am I not able to look in that envelope without losing breath the envelope that used to take my breath away for another reason
But most importantly why do I love yellow when its eviscerating to look at

Alright little ones lay down to sleep
Little boy with his favorite plastic Dino
Little girl with her dolly
And me with my ragged cotton stuffed dog
Never was I binary
I don't know if I ever really wanted to be
I felt like I was walking on a tight rope and I was really **** good at it never falling onto either side and never ending

And that just kinda works for me
My family loves me
My friends are caring as hell
And I feel a little like I fit

I was dissecting a box of candy today
and I thought of her I found one that had a warped smily face and it just seemed to be how I feel around you
skewed and distorted
i rested that heart on my tongue and it melted in my mouth

Whenever I get cold I think of you
because I put on my warm yellow sweater the same one that you have
because it gives me a feeling like you're near me
(happy)

Like a wilted plant I was caught in a ceramic *** painted like a spider web
You were my love and the band of my existence
Saying that isn't enough when I mean to say you were a ballet dancer
and a poppy seed bagel and a brand new bottle of nail polish
a champion of industry and and unsharpened pencil

I have a picture we took together
its your blurry childhood hand snatching at the camera
I clicked the button and flash there it was
a stuck moment in time
a time of playful zoo days and class field trips

Together we were a couple of culture shock cuties and sadgirl themes
making a red wine grin

You were a love and You were my artist but your friend caught my eye

I've never actually felt this way before
But now for the first time I feel used
Text at midnight unassuming
Just enough to make me smile
You used me
Just enough to make you sleep all the better
While I lay awake knowing that I've been used but still kinda thinking that you maybe care
I'm only sixteen
Still young
Am I as mature as I'm told I'm supposed to be
Because I sure as hell feel like an idiot now

With my downturned eyes
And celebrity skin
I feel a little Lo

why do I love rejection
why am I projecting meaning onto a little grey arrow
why do I feel like my entire body is a leg that fell asleep
why am I pending
why are we pending
why do I feel so out of place in a room of friends
why am I so sad to people I love happy
why am I this selfish
why is it that I cant see a car without thinking about the moss on your windshield
why am I seated on the gross tiled floor in a dingy room trying to ignore the thought of you
why cant I look at my favorite sweater anymore
why cant I drink milk or drive that strip of highway
why cant I remember how love felt with someone else
why do I forget that I mean so little to you
why do I let that small reminder affect me
why did I let you replace my big A with your little e
why cant I listen to Beethoven without feeling scared
why do I let your rejection become me
why did scary tyler, or uninhibited jules, or violent todd, or lovely katherine let their names become rejection too
why am I so scared that losing you means forgetting me
why has it been 1 month and nine days since we last spoke
why do I count that
why do I feel like disassociation is my default when you aren't there to tell me it isn't
why am I not able to look in that envelope without losing breath
But most importantly why do I love yellow when its eviscerating to look at

1.You were real before and you're real now

do you remember

2. You are baby its all you

i get the shivers

3. I love you too

this validates me

4. wanna come with me?

i do

5. hi whats your name

this is just a beginning to something potentially new

I dont feel as empty when I think about you, I hope you feel similarly

You don't treat me as an equal, you make me feel as though i am so small you say I am your best friend but you ignore me and make me feel like an ant next to an airplane

2. YOU REALLY HURT ME. you always really hurt me.

3. If you don't want to be friends just tell me because I will just keep getting more attached to you and it will hurt me more later.

4. This is so one sided and I don't want it to be please put effort in or let me know that I am just putting coins into a bank account that just keeps getting emptied.

5. I don't know what I did to change the way you feel about me. We were so close and now you make me feel like we're two parallel lines going on but never touching

People only like me for my short poetry
its not good,
its just things people have said to me
about the girl I love
I just wanna see some words I actually wrote
getting appreciated

I relate more to her than anyone I think
a kiss on the neck
and some blood in my sink
dripping to drain with tears in my eyes
he loves me he loves me
I would rather die
than give up my love
and give up my smile
my mister, my pudding
the carving the cry

I LAugh at 4:30am when I bleed in my bed
I laUgh at my arms imagining their place around your neck
I lauGH at you handsome when I see your phantom grin
Baby I would let you toy with my mind
My body My life
I am only happy when you're choking me dead

I saw him across the room at 301
With a piece of wood under his arm
and paint dripping onto his otherwise pitch black sneakers
Everything he says is backwards but  it makes sense
We spoke for a half an hour and I immediately felt like I knew everything about him
He told me his whole world in thirty minutes
I wonder what his real secrets are

Im sorry
Im sorry Im sorry Im sorry Im sorry Im sorry
Im sorry Im sorry
Im sorry
Im sorry Im sorry Im sorry
Im sorry
Im sorry Im sorry Im sorry Im sorry Im sorry Im sorry Im sorry
Im sorry Im sorry Im sorry Im sorry Im sorry
Im sorry Im sorry
Im sorry

hello body of summer,
I miss you
I was thinking of naming you beautiful
I'd rather call you mine again

Im not pretty
I wish that I was because then
maybe someone would **** me
I want to ride someone until they ***
but if I did I would jiggle and be even more ugly
I want to be thin

when I look at her I feel so tingly
and her voice sounds like piano playing
her hair smells like incense and ****
her personality and ideas are insightful
she's so smart and interesting
her poetry is so beautiful
being around her makes me shake (literally)
everything about her is so rosebud
she is sunshine

stop being cryptic and confusing
stop making me feel used
talk to me
what are we?

peel me like an orange
please
i want to feel open

I see you sitting there comfortably blue
shin resting on your knees
mid sigh
why is everything i write caught in a sad moment
done