Trapped behind closed doors, hidden away from logic, my emotions are distinctive, alarming, and rational. Fighting to be free she screams, “THERE IS LOVE OUT THERE!!!” Frightened by the comment and the reality of allowing my emotions to take control, I back away, key in hand, meekly I respond, “i know what’s best for me.” My emotions remain trapped behind closed doors controlled yet uncontrollable. By a keeper who goes by the same name as I do, who has the same fears as I do.  Scared of the repercussions of allowing my emotions to take control I remain still…Trapped outside the same doors my emotions are stuck within… this is the only way to keep us safe

Just Speak

I was deceived by you when you told me you loved me.
I was deceived by me when I when I believed that lie.
My heart ached because of the deception you gave me, man you really played me. I believed you when you said, "Girl you Make me Better" and what I believed most is when you said you'll have love for me forever.  But it’s cool; I get it your name is Deception. The game you played gave me a lifelong lesson, "Don’t trust 'em, Don’t stress 'em" I laughed, I loved, and I’m still living. Your Deception hurt but you’re forgiven. I'm forgiving you because it gives me strength; again I’m forgiving you because it gives me strength. My life is good your Deception was just a trip, a mini vacation. It's hard to believe your one of God's creations. Deceptions your name and also your game...You cheated on me with her, muhfucker are you insane.  

But I really believed you loved me but Deception is what you loved most, the pain that you inflicted upon me that hurt the most.

I need to be freed from this Misery. Chained, Cuffed & Shackled life's definitely taken a hold of me...led me towards a dark path a decimated yellow brick road with only rough black stones and deep black holes. I've fallen been tripped and pushed. Forced to struggle with these internal and external scars scrapes and bruises for eternity. Now I'm just trying to find the light where dandelions and roses unfold where happiness and love is everlasting and never falsely told or foretold.

Have you ever Know-ticed me?
I mean truly Know-ticed me,
Look through my eyes and into my soul to grasp who I sincerely was, am, and will be?
My internal splendor, no sugar
I don’t think you do…
You may think you know but it’s apparent that you have NO ******* IDEA!
Excuse the cliché but it served its purpose so let’s continue…
Do you Know-tice me?
Do you notice that my pain seems endless, as if the Emancipation Proclamation was just an urban legend and I’m experiencing the 5th century of my peoples enslavement?
Do you notice that my smile seems brokenly forced, only coming to life in the midst of dreams of being shipped home to you?
Do you notice that my heart is internally broken externally hidden only allowing the lurid utterances of, “I DON’T GIVE A *******!”?
Did you notice the trajectory of my tears detaching me from you?
Most importantly do you notice my undying love along with the uncompromising yearning I have for you?
All of which are mere memories like…
Your captivating voice, alluring me into riveting conversations that seems to be unforgettable something I can’t dismiss
Your slow touches
Your penetrating stares
Your unfathomable yet insinuating kisses
Your love or to put it quite simply your care because to love would be entirely too much for you at the time when time was nonexistent in my mind, no clock, I wanted to Know-tice you,
Nevertheless,
No I don’t think you Know-ticed!
If you did you would have noticed how I desire your affection and loath your constant dismissal of my essence
My existence seems to matter not but here I am… waiting and I can’t rest! Believe me you I’ve tried!
But then again maybe you do notice and although this may be the hardest to acknowledge on my behalf, I may have to come to terms that you DON’T ******* CARE!
Meaning… you would fail to notice that I’ve cut all emotional physical and mental ties with my heart only to join forces with my mind creating a relentless partnership against the thought of this empty middle’s sensitivity!
Or, that I can’t look at you without hurting!
Or, that I can’t lounge in your presence so silence becomes my friend, leaving me to become sworn enemies with verbal expression and these relationships coincidently only exists when you’re around!
And finally which holds even more significance, that I treasured you and still do as a lover but MORE as a friend!
But I don’t think you Know-tice!
I need you to know this is my own analysis and reaction to the entire state of our affair. So in response, I’ve come to the realization that you never noticed nor wanted to Know-tice me, everything just happened, it was ALL meaningless. So regardless of what I’ve felt, am feeling, or will feel! You become the commemoration, a constant but unconscious drive, of my callous feelings towards the possibility of ever wanting to Know-tice another, EVER again. I wanted, want, and will forever want to Know-tice you! But that doesn’t matter anymore because you’ll never notice sincerely my past, present or future, you treat them like me who you never did want to Know-tice!

THOUGHTS
Days consumed with images and memories of you...
hugs,smiles,
jokes,laughs,
stares, sweet kisses so thoughts continue.
Looking towards the constellations deep contemplations
of whether or not we are destined to be controls my entity.
Distracted by the funky melondies of untalented singers disrupt my yearning heartbeat.
At times the feeling of flight overpowers me
but there's something about you that leads to the constant cancellations of my many trips.
See shorty doo *** rolling oowops...
you intrigued my mind, captured my soul and now your so close to holding my heart that it seems unreal.
I don't fall easily!
You're piercing my heart without my consent.
You shot me in the back and I became limp to all my Desires
all the while I was looking at you,eye to eye,
Yes this was the entire time.
Confusing right,
frustratingly enough its pretty complex this surprise attack.
I have yet to start the healing process but what's even worse is Im not absolutely sure if I want to experience that,
Or if your even ready yet!

Guess Not...
You said you'll take a Raincheck

Just Speak
Ta'resa Pearson