I reached out to say goodbye one last time
My hands trembled my eyes began to cry
I felt my heart breaking for the last and final time
I prayed that he would say don’t go please stay.. I love you
The words she yearned to hear never came
He disappeared back into the darkness from which he came
It was as if he had been waiting and finally this day had came

Oh that smile
that smile you smile at me
The one where I can feel the warmth and feel the love you have for me
But it’s not real it’s a game you play to see how far that you can push me
Over the edge to a place where I can’t see

The second she said goodbye his heart panicked
He scrambled for the words to keep her
He finally spoke every word she’d been longing to hear
And because her heart ached for him she’d left the door cracked and he slipped back in
Now he’s home and she’s safe and warm again

Hello again it’s me .. not trying to bother you which is how it always seems. I came to say goodbye to you .. to release you from my strings. You’ve pushed me away so many times and somehow now I finally see
You don’t want to be bothered ..you’d rather be left alone by me
So I think I’m finally strong enough to give you what you need
There’s no longer a hunger inside of you for me
Anything I say ****** you off it seems
It’s going to be hard to remove you from my dreams but my heart is aching for your love.. a love you’ve lost it seems

She woke up different and saw things as they were
For the first time ever her eyes were not in a blur
She didn’t want him anymore of that she was completely sure
She no longer needed his lies to fill the void inside of her
The fake love he portrayed ..the unimaginable
She doesn’t need you anymore
The time has come to let you go
And what a breath of relief to release this hold you had on her

Hello again, it’s me. Your friend.. as you’d like it to be..this title is killing me
I just stopped by to say hello one last time before I go
I love you so much .. so much more than you will ever know
For a heart like mine I know it’s hard to show
But you taught me things about myself I never would have known
And from your love and looking back I see myself how much Ive grown
I have to say goodbye to you my one and only love
I hate that it has come to this but my heart has been alone and numb
I wish that I could tell you a friend I’ll always be ..but right here in this moment that Is not what my heart needs
I don’t know how to act or what to say and so it seems ..that letting go of you is what’s meant to be
I not moving on with someone new which I’m sure is how it seems
My heart belongs to you.. but it’s not me that you see when you’re asleep.. I’m no longer in your dreams
So like a butterfly my love.. I’m setting myself free
Maybe someday I’ll be the person that you need

Of course I’m sad she said as the last few tears rolled down her pink tinted cheeks
I’m grieving the loss of someone..I thought  it was meant to be
I thought wed last forever.. I thought we’d overcome .. I thought that we had won and the race for love was done
Id spent my whole life searching for someone to be the one
I thought in you I’d found him but in the end I realized i was wrong
I ignored the signs and the red flags
I thought his heart was mine
It’s true what they say.. love is completely blind
I couldn’t see the truth Through all the lies
He came to teach me lessons about this life of mine
He was never meant to stay.. his heart was never mine
I loved him and that love corrupted my beautiful mind
I worked so hard to keep our hearts aligned
But in the end I realized like butterflies.. you have to let them fly

I fell back down the rabbit hole
I’d come so far and numbed so much of the pain
But when you called I didn’t even contemplate
I ran to you and gave you everything
A dimly lit hotel room is the place I went to die
Because waking up next to you again had me on a high
But then when checking out time came and back to your home you went, not mine
Back to being ignored again
That smile on your face lit this heart of mine
And I sunk back in to the darkness i allow you to guide
You said you loved me
But it was all a lie to keep me broken
Keep me holding on to you
to keep me here alone
to keep me from moving on from you
the bitter words unspoken
So back down the rabbit hole I fell and now I’m lying on the floor again completely broken

It’s hard to know what’s real and what’s merely just a game
I don’t want to play
I don’t want to waste another day
There must be another way

Is she really that easy to forget
Do you not think of her at night as you lie in bed
Do random thoughts not cross your mind
The smile you put on her face
The stars aligned
Do you not think of her warmth when the temperatures drop
Is it no longer her that makes your body hot
Is she not the one who makes your heart stop
Is it not her who consumes your every thought
She just a distant memory one you wish you had forgot

Looking in the mirror
Afraid what she might see
The person staring back is not who she’s meant to be
Another day
Another life
She dreams

I know you don’t love me anymore.. it’s just hard because I still love you... the silence is a blessing and a curse. I message you whatever I need to say and we aren’t arguing ..but you’ll never even see it since I’m blocked..in the silence I see how you really feel which is helping to numb my heart.

-In that moment she takes a deep breath and she says I’m done and it’s over
-In that moment she chooses herself over him and decides to be the strong person everyone knows her to be
-In that moment she refuses to let him see her hurting anymore she’s going to be just fine
-In that moment she is finally free

Starring out a window, a light begins to shine, breaking through the clouds, I see a smile that's mine, no need to run away and hide, for time is standing still, the moment that I've waited for is just beyond the hill, a few more jerks and turns, is the most I will endure, the happiness I've waited for is comming, of that I am for sure

He gave up again.. he threw his hands in the air and walked away .. nothing left to say

It’s so quiet now
The world so sill
Almost as if I could simply disappear

I open my mouth
but words don’t come out
A silent scream inside

I am numb to the pain
Or at least used to the way it feels
It’s comforting .. it’s normal.. it’s insane

You play this back and forth with me day by day
And I give in because it’s my heart that can’t see.. but my mind is who’s to blame

There’s someone out there begging me to let him love me
I can’t open up again my heart is locked away .. there is no key
I can’t deal with that pain again I can’t set myself free
I don’t wanna fall in love again
please move on find someone else to be your forever.. it’s not me

I’d hoped you’d come back home again
I’d hoped you’d somehow see
This love we have does have mistakes but the love is all we need
I knew I’m my head what your answer would be
But that doesn’t ease the pain it’s causing me
I’d hoped our love was strong enough to withstand the raging sea
But instead it washed your heart away and far away is where you’d rather be

How can I get up again ..my body feels so weak ..I have so many words to say to you but none of them I speak .. i wish that I could hold you close and let you see the truth ..that there is no better place than lying next to you.. you held me close ..you made me feel at ease..please darling tell me none of this is real.. it’s just a dream ..you’re waiting for me to wake up next to you.. i smell you on my sheets... please don’t walk away my love.. my heart is here and you’re the only one for which it beats

I don’t want you back
You bring only misery and pain
But you keep me here arms length away      just in case you need something
you know I’d give it all away
You use me
You take advantage of my pain
You never loved me.. not one single day
You torture me
You know just what to say
But I’m not listening anymore
I wish you’d go away
Disappear back into the nothingness from which you came

But I’m not strong enough to send you away.. maybe someday.. but that day is not today

I run in place ..I’m standing still ..trying to find out if I have the will..
Can I go on ..should I give up .. the feelings I had inside were real.. but now they’re gone and numb is how I feel.. what’s real.. can anyone tell me what I’m supposed to feel

The ice creeps up and throughout the heart you had once thawed out
Fed up and spinning about
Lashing out without a doubt
It never should have came to this .. the fighting and the shouts
The pain inside seeping out
I ******* love you I say from inside but those aren’t the words that came out
The tongue knows not what the hearts about
We tried so hard to keep the toxic out but it crept back in through the dark
You’ll always have a place in my heart as broken as it is I love you still.. the feelings i feel so deep inside are real
I’ll lock them away and visit in my dreams.. the fairy tale of what we could be.. a dream my mind wouldn’t let my heart see.. far away is what you’ll always be.. searching for a person I could never let myself see

One minute I’m up and happy on the go ..I tell myself I’ve got this I can do this on my own
Then next my head is spinning there’s no winning without you here
I’m drowning in sorrow I’m soaked with tears
I’m fighting with myself inside .. a war I’ve battled many years
Do I give up..Do I fight .. someone tell me which is right
I have no choice without you here
My mind runs through all my many fears
Don’t come close to me..No wait I need you here
One minute I’m sad and my insides all a mess.. please come back I promise to do my best
To keep you happy..To keep you near
Wait **** that ..your anger I can no longer bare
I’m meant to be alone sitting right here
Not waiting for you to show up and dry my restless tears
I’m on this roller coaster I can’t see anything clear.. I wish this ride was over.. I wish I had you here

Today it’s different
I don’t see that smile
I can’t feel that bliss
Don’t hope for that sweet kiss

You’re not the same
You’re feelings have changed it’s clear
You’d rather be anywhere but here

So I take this sip .. drink one more beer
Hoping it’s not real, it’s just the fear
It is clear.. I don’t want you here
The screaming in my ears
The tears

This is what’s real
This isn’t what I wish to feel
My heart can never heal.. with you here

The walls around me crumble
The ground continues to shake
This can’t be happening again
Another heartbreak
I opened up
I let you in
You were just another fake
But I met you for a reason
You were never a mistake
Just a lesson from above
But how much more can this heart take
I’m here
I’m listening
I’m finally awake

I take a walk in a garden.. beautiful colors throughout ..no one to bother no questions to be asked ..just peace and no hourglass ..no time to be in ..nothing to be tied to ..no lies no hate no one else to relate ..I realize that this is peaceful.

Also that I’m all alone in the middle of the unknown ..no one to talk to no future to be told ..nothing, I am trapped and cannot seem to find my way out ..I am spinning and spinning and spinning about ..what happens next I know without a single doubt ..I fall to the ground and let out a loud shout

Slowly unconscious darkness floods over me as the blood flows from my head ..then I am dead. Dead i lie in a single peaceful garden ..just peace and no hourglass ..just restful sleep and silence

His tiny little fingers reach up to me ..and mommy’s on his lips.. I reach down and pick him up ..and give those lips a kiss.

Mommy loves you

I long for you
I long to see your face .. feel your embrace.. Leap right off into space
I long for you
I long to hear your soft gentle voice.. i long for your simple choice (that’s me)
I long for you
I long for you and you alone ..the one who makes me feel at home..wrap me tightly in your arms safe so far away from harm..
i long for you ..
I long for you to hear me calling
I long to have you here..
I long for you
I long for the warm nights under the stars when we’re so far off close to Mars ..
I long for you
I long for you but you cannot hear ..possibly because you are not near..
I long for you yet you do not exist I long for you and I long for your kiss

Daddy’s doing better now ..not yelling quite as much .,not telling me to sit at home alone and such ..he no longer yells about the small things that never really mattered ..he just simply hints that he knows I can do better ..he still stays at home a lot alone cause I’m not there but now he doesn’t even show that he even really cares
I want to spend time with him and make things better for us ..but I always ***** things up instead and then things are all a mess ..I try to be better and not be gone so much but I hate to be at home afraid I might mess up. I do not want to make him mad again when things for him are well  ..I wish I could crawl into a shell and lock myself away from him ..it’s a living hell
I want a better relationship ..a father daughter one ..where we can be together not in two different rooms but one. i need him to be there for me ..I need to know he cares .. i need to see the things about me that he cannot bear ..so I sit here all alone and i wait for him to share ..to open up to me.. this isn’t fair..I guess I will continue to wait for him, to need me in some way.. daddy’s doing better now ..without me, Sad to say

I can feel myself slipping..The road I’m on is dark..I’m standing still again..This stupid *** heart

My mind it knows the pain and the toxic that you are ..but my heart it just remembers ..how it felt to be apart.. like it was written in the stars. A love so deep i felt it deep within my heart.

But time tells a different story ..one where I aim to please but fail. The one where you don’t hold me close you hide you’re true feelings and tuck your tail.

You simply walked away from me and left me in the dark ..you left me in this emptiness.. a bleeding broken heart ..nothing left to say.. and string me along day after endless day

When will this cycle end and when will i be free .. the moment when I open my eyes and I can finally see. I dream about this moment I’ve been there before ..a different me .. I want to shut you out and to throw away that key.

My world is so dark and cold but to the world this is unknown .. i sit in a crowded room alone and wonder why Im here.

The smile upon my face just a mask I wear that’s fake ..to conceal what’s trapped inside and the judgement I can’t take

Where did I go wrong .. somewhere along the way .. I lost myself in fighting for someone to save the day.

I gave my heart to everyone and sat alone and prayed .. that someday id stop searching for The ones who got away

wondering why I wasn’t good enough and what could I do to change ..the minds of all the others who turned their hearts away

I’m just a girl searching for the light inside to chase the darkness away

I want that love at first sight feeling ..the one where I am yours. The one where I can kiss your lips the one where I’m you’re choice. I miss the sound of your voice ..I miss the way that you kiss me. I miss the way when i came home from work you were the only one who missed me. I want The love where you are right here with me.The one where when I’m afraid ..i know you’ve got my back and you know that I’ve got yours. The I don’t wanna face this world alone and I don’t have to when my heart is yours.

I thought of you again today.. a distant memory.. it’s weird with you all I feel is pain and misery usually.. but today a thought came so vividly.. a thought of when we were in love, so heavenly.

I used to dream of you .. a dream where we’d get lost.. together for eternity .. blissful love and chaos.. but you gave up on me ..the love we had got lost..you moved on and left me in the dust..

I hope you love her more than me.. a love that knows no lust.. no pain other than the pain of me.. a time without your trust.

I hope you last forever and I hope you’ve somehow changed.. I hope you see the future with her and not the chains.

I want you to be happy.. I wanted that with me.. but for us my love.. it just wasn’t meant to be

I know that I can do this ..I can get back up again.. i’ve done it all before ..there’s no doubt I have the will. It’s Just the wondering inside my mind that won’t be still.. that’s what makes me second guess the feelings that i feel.. its the deciding which feelings are even real.

So as I wallow in the pain .. ashamed is how i feel.. I let someone down again ..a feeling that’s too real.. the person I let down was me and before, Id promised her ..I’d never let her down again but here we are.. you see.. Broken and alone again as Id said it would never again be

The windows are open ..I hear the cars drive by ..a cool night air is flowing in.. I’m running out of time

It should be peaceful but tell that to my mind ..the scattered thoughts inside my head .. they will not stop, they are not mine

I cannot enjoy this life .. i want so much to feel.. I am so numb ..I’m sad ..then angry ..the emptiness inside me still

With each passing moment I’m reminded that you’re not here.. that I’m not good enough and that you just don’t care..But life ticks by and I’m wasting it I fear

I’m standing on the outside
I’m looking in
I see the life that should have been
The walls they close around me
My heart it won’t be still
It all seems surreal
These feelings that I feel
It was all a dream
How could none of it be real

The walls around me crumble the ground begins to shake this can’t be happening again another heartbreak .  I opened up .. i let you in ..  you were just another fake.  But I met you for a reason you were never a mistake.  Just a lesson from above but how much more can this heart take.  I’m here ..  i’m listening ..  i’m finally awake

He gave me butterflies
Those baby blue eyes
You made me feel alive
A love that never dies

over time the butterflies began to die
The emptiness ..The loneliness ..no matter how hard id try
The pools of tears I’d sit and cry

Until that day you gave my butterflies away
Begging you to stay
There’s nothing left.. or so you say

He gave me butterflies and then he gave them away

She doesn’t have the energy to think or feel but she has no choice but to go on. God blessed her with children so she had no choice but to wake up and live. Who knows where she’d be if she chose a different path

I had a dream about you again
I couldn’t find my way home to you
I kept getting lost along the way it seems
I never did make it home
I woke up with tears streaming down my face .. realizing that in life I’ll never find my way back to you
After so much time has passed I still dream of coming home to you

Heart be still
Mind stop this endless racing
Why keep chasing what only ends in chills
The panic
The terror
In the end it kills you

I still feel you here
I talk to you in my dreams
My world feels so empty without you near
I pray for god to wrap you in his arms
Something i didn’t do enough dear mother
None of this feels real
I’m going through the motions but my world is standing still
I know you are no longer in pain
But now all I feel is thunderstorms inside my brain
You said i was your sunshine but without you here
I’m struggling to find the sunshine through the rain

She’s hides behind the smile
But there’s sadness in her eyes
The ache deep down inside
She’s longing for happiness
Grieving the loss of love
Reaching for answers in the sky above

The day was wet and cloudy
I took all of moms plants outside and gave them a little water
Then the sun shined blindingly bright for a moment then dimmed
As a white butterfly fluttered around her plants
She’s still here with me watching over me
And proud I haven’t given up
I feel her love surround me and hear her words .. you are so strong and you are my my sunshine when it rains. While I once was her sunshine she is now mine. She’s the light that keeps me going and the reminder that there is no time to waste

I’m struggling today
Just like I’ve struggled every day
Im struggling to find a way to be ok
Struggling to find the words to say

I thought of you this morning, this afternoon and in bed at night as I lay
The pain it comes in massive waves all hours of the day
The sleepless nights and horrific dreams are here to stay
I’m lost without you here, I’m not myself and I am not ok

I’m questioning so many things leading up to that awful day
Wishing I could go back and change some things
Say some things I never got to say

I love you mom, I always have and I always will. In my heart is where I keep you still

The day I met you my eyes were open wide
My heart was just a shell, nothing on the inside
I’ll never fall in love again, I said, A lie to hide behind
A love like yours I was sure I’d never find.
You came without a warning in my blind spot and since that day the light has shined.
I hope and pray we last a lifetime and you never leave me behind

It’s in the quiet moments the reality seeps back in
She is losing her mother but isn’t sure when
She’s trying to be ok and just enjoy the time but that **** clock keeps ticking and she’s running out of time
The battle has been fought and there is no way to win
At least we’ll be together, mother and daughter, in the end

I’m at the bottom of this bottle .. wishing I had never cracked the lid. The escape you were supposed to bring only came with pain and regret. I’ve lost so much and feel so alone.. I just wish I had them here and not the loss of what has gone. It’s as if 3 people died and not just 2 the struggle is real and none of this **** feels real.