thanks for letting me borrow your netflix account so that i had something to do with my hours of you not calling me

i just think it's kind of funny how you were capable of spending so much money on tattoos yet you were unable to afford the train home to see me
i'm not one to harp on cliches about your lack of commitment to me but really how the **** did you rationalize that?
we're coming up on the year mark of that phone call that sent me back to therapy and into my mothers arms and it's quite honestly always been all your fault

"hey just wondering but why did your dad unfriend me on facebook?"
i mean he never even called me your girlfriend even after over a year but at this point i am not sure if that counts for anything

"um excuse me but i am triggered by your tweets about your girlfriend"
mainly because they are just recycled versions of things you used to say about me

"but yeah ok that's fine!!!"
hope she tucks you in at night and remembers that you never texted "i love you" to me and that you only posted six pictures of me on instagram during our whole relationship but really who's counting??

"**** the both of you honestly"
thanks for sending your bff to like this tweet because we all know that none of us are ready for the long overdue confrontation that is obsolete

"is it raining where you are?"
i hope it never stops ******* raining wherever you are

i will never be able to find solace in substance the way you helped yourself cope with the loss of us long before you had your feet out the door
there is no possible articulation that i can find myself capable of that would make you understand what it is like to lose you
i was stuck in an infinite loop of the same words over and over again telling me that i could have done something, that it was all my fault, and that my love was not enough
my love was more than enough!!

i am the 1 am drunk text
i am the family pictures popping up on  your newsfeed
i am the polaroid at the bottom of your desk drawer
i am the modern baseball song that you can't seem to skip
i am the candy wrappers in your car door
i am the cd stuck in your car radio that is just me singing a song i never should have written for you
i am the way a dorm room bed is always just big enough
i am the draft of a poem that was never just right

and

you are the space between the lines of the poems that aren't fixing anything
you are the dried up corsage in the back of my closet
you are the third step on the stairs into the basement where i swear i can still see stains of mascara on the carpet from november 8, 2015
you are the post card i never sent
you are the post card i sent but never should have
you are the phone calls i can't make
you are the nightmares i have where we are both running from something not clear to us


now that i've set the scene are you sure you want to delete your audition tape?
are you sure that your first try was good enough?

i'm going to start a calvary of all the people you've abandoned on your quest for "self-discovery"
a ****** bandcamp demo ep isn't going to make you any less miserable, babe, i can almost promise you that
all the validation in the world isn't going to undo your damage on the people that you left more broken then when you found them
i'm still too scared to talk to your best friend because our common denominator left us high and dry but i'm sure we've both been trying to pick up the pieces in the aftermath of you leaving us
it's been over a year and i'm still reeling from our last conversation because i have always tried to ignore the inevitable
and call me delusional for thinking that maybe it wasn't my fault

i want to drink myself into a place no one can reach me
i want the room to spin so i can sit still and feel the world moving and cracking and tectonic plates shifting beneath my feet
i want to dance to music i don't like when i'm sober
i want to feel as beautiful as i feel when i'm drunk every day
i want to drink until all i am left with is empty cups and happy hiccups and i want to call my exes and tell them how lucky they were to have me and how bad timing was never a good excuse
i want to wrap a telephone cord around my fingers and then my body and i want to feel electricity in my hands and i want the world to spin because i tell it to

dear interdimensional space traveler,
it's been both an honor and a privilege to watch you traverse far and wide and maybe you will find your way back to the year and 4 months when you filled the space on the other side of my mattress
do you miss the gravity that pulled you to me?
do you miss linear time and when we were on the same wavelength?
maybe when you finally "came home" you forgot where that even was
is her apartment floor your new safe haven?
212 miles is too close for us to have given up so easily and you were still light years away
time has stopped here since you left, interdimensional space traveler
i hope our time and space aligns again