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 Apr 2015 T McGilberry
Someone
I know I don't exactly have a way with words,
Its just, when I look at you...
I feel the way waves look when they're crashing.
I can feel my thoughts smashing against each other,
And I can feel my heart racing.
This isn't a love poem,
This is a poem about fear.
You made me feel like the ocean,
And I was acting like a child running to escape the foam.
I was too afraid to swim in the water.
I was too afraid to experience all of what the ocean had to offer,
Because when I did,
When I did finally learn to swim,
I got caught in the undertow.
I tried.
I really,
Really,
tried.
I took such a long time to get in the water,
And when I did, I couldn't breathe.
I got pulled under.
Please, believe me,
I tried to swim in the same water as you.
I tried to swim to you.
I tried to swim using the very same technique,
I just...
Couldn't.
I got pulled under.
Do you believe me?
I did.
The water took me, and swallowed me.
I got thrown against the rocks.
I got caught between the rocks and the ocean floor,
And no one could find me..
I tried to get out,
I tried to swim.
I'm sorry.
I'm still stuck,
Here on this ocean floor.
I'm still trying to get out.
I know you're swimming in different waters now.
I know.
I'm still trying though.
I'm still trying.
 Apr 2015 T McGilberry
Someone
You always spoke too fast,
And then stopped yourself, apologizing
Mumbling now
You always danced much longer than everyone else at the parties
Did you ever think you'd make it out alive?
I wish the answer was yes
((Even though I knew better))
You always stayed in bed for far too long
And cried much too hard
And loved people who couldn't feel the same
It started to wear on you,
Funny what love can do
It fades
Or did it never exist?
Why am I here? You asked me
You asked me often
I answered the same each time
'You and the universe are the same, and we need you here'
Maybe it wasn't good enough,
Maybe it was my fault,
Maybe It was my fault
You're breathing faster now
I try to calm you down,
It never works,
It never works
I got angry,
Impatient
Maybe it was my fault-
Is my fault
I don't know how to write anymore
Your hands always guided mine,
Your hands don't exist anymore
You always played your music too loud,
You were only yourself while you were drowning your thoughts out with song
People would yell at you,
And I'd try to sing along
Maybe I didn't sing loud enough
I'll never forget the day you turned your music off,
Both literally and figuratively
An allegory,
Or is it irony?
I don't know anymore
I remember you laying in the wooden bed-
Box
Skin soft, artificially pink
I showed up to your wake, drunk
((Wasn't much of a surprise, was it?))
You'd always told me that you would be the first one to go
Sadly it was true,
Should've been me
I punish myself everyday for it-
Trust me
I showed up drunk
Funny how my veins were filled with the same poison that killed you
Maybe I subconsciously meant to do that
I showed up drunk
I jumped in and tried to resuscitate you,
They dragged me out and gave me this look
This disgusted, disappointed look
And I realized that's how people have been looking at you your entire life,
And I finally understood
They threw me out and I fell to my knees
I understood why you took the blade
Took the blade to your--
I saw you laying in that box,
And wondered where your soul was
I remember those nights,
I remember those late nights
Clutching each other in the cold
Wanting out of this town,
Of this world
I stayed
You relied so heavily on me and
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry I couldn't stop you from lifting the bottle to your lips,
The blade to your wrist,
The gun to your mouth,
I'm sorry I couldn't quiet your thoughts
Now I know how evil they were
I'm sorry I couldn't stop you from lifting the bottle to your lips,
The blade to your wrist,
I made a home in your veins
so when you cut them,
I died with you
I fell to my knees and finally understood
 Apr 2015 T McGilberry
JDK
Youth
 Apr 2015 T McGilberry
JDK
You can throw your mess into my mess and mix until we have a 17-car pileup with no need to clean because we'll be up to our knees in blood and guts.
We can cross flooded streets with lightning rods strapped to our backs  and pray for the rain to send us some thunderous crash.

If I told you that Jupiter views its moons through a stormy eye,
would you see red?

Who would've thought we'd survive.

Add your bricks to my bricks and we'll entomb our feet with wet cement while we wait for the water to rise.
Grab your bike with the taped over reflectors then we'll ride down one-lane bridges dressed as reapers in the night.
You can throw your mess in with my mess and let it stew until we've got a steaming trainwreck and no way to clean because we'll be up to our necks in blood and guts.

If I told you a new moon happens only once a month,
would you black out?

Who would've thought we'd see light.
Not everyone makes it.
 Apr 2015 T McGilberry
JDK
I keep forgetting to remember the things I've reminded myself to forget.
Pump my head full of helium and fill my body up with lead.
I got yelled at by the driver of a car that almost hit me today.
I said, "You'd be doing me a favor!" as I walked away.

I keep finishing at the start and beginning with the end.
Earlier tonight, I made an emo playlist for my favorite ****** friend.
If only we could pool our feelings together and then . . .
****, I forget.

All bills have been paid, and all the letters have been sent.
Somehow, we're still falling deeper into debt.
I poured my heart out to an apathetic page
and yet, we're only getting paid for what we'd rather forget.

I keep making sour faces at the sweetest scenes I see.
I've been waking up early just to get there late.
I'm having trouble doubting things I've never believed.
I keep getting angry at people I long ago forgave.
Will they ever forgive me?
Have they already?

I forget.
 Apr 2015 T McGilberry
JDK
My mom likes to feed the ducks and storks that frequent our lake.
We often refer to her as the "Bird Lady."
They congregate in our backyard, waiting to be fed.
She throws them cereal and dried up old bread.
She's given most of them names.
Whenever one becomes a mother,
she keeps track of the ducklings.
Most of them don't make it.
They fall prey to hawks and cranes.
I can always count on her for an unwarranted update.
"Juliet lost another baby today."
"I don't care."
If they lose them all,
she likes to call them Bad Mothers,
which I find ironic.

This morning, I saw three pelicans in our lake.
I guess there's a first time for everything.
They were white with black-tipped wings.
They were feeding with a sort of unexpected grace.
They'd dunk their heads then come back up with something in their long orange beaks.
The bottom of which would shake. All loose and leathery.
After they had their fill, they flew off in unison.
One after the other,
like one, two, three.
And afterwards I thought,
"**** swans."
Only in Florida.
 Apr 2015 T McGilberry
JDK
"Well, poetry, you know. Poetry, especially. Poetry is for the purists. It's like at the essence of everything. Like, music is the poetry of sounds, right? And a song is sort of poetry set to music. Art can be like, the poetry of paint on canvas. Arranged in a certain way? The arrangement is the most important part of it, sort of. It's what makes it poetry. Dancing is like the poetry of a body in motion. Movies are like, the poetry of moments - certain moments - you know, they call them scenes. And they're all presented in this kind of sequence in order to, umm, like make an impression?"

"Wait. So then, what is poetry? It's just words, ain't it?"

"Well, yea. It is and it isn't. It's more than just words. It's like the essence of things - it's hidden beneath everything. It's the sort of thing that you can only see if you're actively looking for it. Well, that's not true. Sometimes you see it when you're not looking for it. Like, (slaps hands together) wham! You know? And that's when it makes the biggest impression, and if you see it, you feel this sort of compulsion to share it."

"With words. I mean, it's just words though."

"Right, you said that. It is just words, but it's more than that. It's playing with ideas, and feelings, and meanings. It's playing with the meaning of things! It's an attempt to define the undefinable. To capture the intangible and sort of present it in the form of words. Which is ridiculous, really, because it's impossible. That's the thing about poets, they're all crazy. They're all trying to explain something that can't be explained, but they can't not do it. It's like a compulsion. It's like, you know, from math. It's like an asympto -"

"But it's just words! You already said. Math is numbers. Poetry is just words. Like, what are you even saying right now? You're not making any sense."

"Sense? Who's trying to make sense? No man, that's not what it's about. Like, what even is Sense? It's just a word. All of this. What we're saying; it's all just words."

"Right. That's what I said. It's just words."

"Yea, so then, why are we even saying them? Why are we saying 'just words.' Why are we saying these words? Right now. Why are we saying these words at this particular moment in time? Like, why? Because of poetry, that's why. Poetry is the attempt to figure out that why. And it is that why. It's the question and the answer at the same time."

"Whatever man. You don't make any sense. It's just words. Case closed."

"Right. It is and it isn't. It's more than just words. It's Just Words.
Just.
Words."
"You wouldn't get me on the phone." - Brand New

One time, on a break during my philosophy class, this kid said to me, "Yea, I wasn't high enough to get that one." Which was dumb because I hadn't smoked **** in years, and I definitely wasn't high when I wrote the thing that he was referring to.

"A dreamer is one that can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world."
- Oscar Wilde
 Apr 2015 T McGilberry
JDK
Glorifying alcoholism is *******.
Putting pain on a pedestal is appalling.
Celebrating mistakes is a travesty.
What's with this obsession with tragedy?
Isn't there some helpline you should be prank calling?
This is the part where you call me a hypocrite.
 Apr 2015 T McGilberry
JDK
I get scared sometimes,
by a coldness in the reflection of my own eyes.
As if they know something I refuse to believe.
Like he's daring me to see beyond the lies.

I've written poetry about chess,
as a central metaphor for the way I go about living life.
I confess that I like Knights the best.
They're the only pieces with the power to jump the rest.

Sometimes, I worry
that I'm just being used to create some kind of story.
That any chance I might have at Happiness
gets thrown under the bus for the sake of His glory.

I've often accused my mother of having multiple personalities.
She refuses to take any tests.

I've made a little man out of paper clips.
I hung him from a rubber band noose
that hangs from a shelf above my desk.

Sometimes, I'm filled with fear.
I get the shakes in grocery stores during the middle of the day -
paralyzed by the thought that I'm not really there.
Afraid of the things that my ghost might say.

I once wrote a poem fully explaining your mental state.
I know I've got it saved somewhere.
By the way, I think you're pretty great;
these and other phrases you've no desire to hear.

"Knight to e6,
I believe that's checkmate."

Paper Clip Man hung there for weeks,
but his steel wire neck refused to break.
Eventually, he got a hand around the knot,
and used his strength to gain another breath he never again thought he'd take.

I've never written a poem about backgammon,
but they say it's one of the oldest games ever played.
I bet I'd be real good at it.
I'll learn how to win some day.
Drunken Ramblings CLXVII
 Apr 2015 T McGilberry
JDK
I know this magic trick where I throw my heart in a hat
then pull out a rabbit.
Only, it's not a rabbit -
it's a snake.
And this is a swamp,
not a stage.
And there are three bite marks on my leg.
Take me to the hospital.
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