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Timothy Kenda Feb 2016
14 hours later, 14 long hours you have been gone
Each minute seems an eternity, each hour drags on and on
I know where you've been, 14 hours in another loves arms
14 hours that I've been wondering how strong
My heart is, where the point I break apart is
The minutes tick by and at every one I wonder what I started
Can I finish it, can I end it all now?
When will the pain get too great, will I get through it somehow?
Or will I give up and give in, because I can finish anything I begin
When will this end, when will this end?
Can I ever trust you again? Will I ever believe I love you again?
When their meanings are shadowed, when their ashes carry no more flame?
14 hours of my heart, breaking apart piece by piece, and the thoughts in my brain
Won't let me sleep, no they won't let me sleep
Slowly, so many memories that close to my heart I did keep
Turn black, and slough away to reveal a rotten core
I don't think love can live there anymore
I don't think I can believe the lies that will be told to cover other lies
I don't think I have any more tears to cry
Tell me that your afraid, tell me that you don't know how to love
Tell me that I was wrong, or all of the above
Timothy Kenda Feb 2016
I pray to God to close my eyes
Just grant my wish this one time
Because I see too much, my heart knows too much
My heart knows the difference between ashes and dust
The difference between want and lust
Between wishful thinking and love
Now the lines are drawn, broken right down the middle of trust
"GOD!" I scream, "please send down you hand from above"
"PLEASE CLOSE MY EYES BECAUSE THE TRUTH IS TOO MUCH"
I don't want to bear witness, when our dreams turn to prisons
I don't want to have to make the obvious decisions
Because I'm afraid they will break me, they will take me
Away, back to a place from which I have so recently returned
Who knew that a broken heart could burn
Right through the cavity of the chest
Through the lining of the soul, until there was nothing left
And yet
I am still supposed to go on
Only this time I am supposed to go on without you
I don't know if that is something I can do
Timothy Kenda Feb 2016
I remember when I met you, sitting across the table at a facility
That was supposed to cure us of our ills, clean up our lives and spills
It was a place so many hated, but back then it meant so much to me
Neither of us could see much beyond the pain of the past
Though the rays of hope did their best to shine through the glass
Glass that was cracked and shattered and smeared with black
But sitting in that room that day, I swear I can say now
That I saw a ray glance across your face
It wasn't the last time I would see it in that place
And even if we have grown apart since then
Gone back home to answer for all of our sins
I don't ever want you to forget that hope had touched you once, and        can touch you again
Don't lose faith, gather strength from the fact
That all times, good and bad, will pass
And though you hope that the pain won't last
Remember every scar you've gathered along the way
Is just one more piece of proof that you're alive for another day
And it's okay, yes it's alright, to fight through the dark times
Because you'll find another ray of hope as long as the sun shines
Timothy Kenda Feb 2016
Why did the light go out inside your eyes?
Why did the music stop, and in it's place you only found
Deafening silence, why didn't you make one single sound
Telling anyone that you needed help, you ended your life in violence
Left a little girl scarred, when she found you swinging there
You had to know that she would forever be altered, never the same
Yet you went on anyway
Is it because you were sick, did you just not really care?
When you left your body swinging in the shadows in the middle of despair
So maybe it's not fair,  It wasn't to others
Not your wife or your daughter or your two older brothers
Who still wake up thinking of your green eyes, but remember them being nothing but grey
Filled with a pain you couldn't shake that let you take yourself away
When you were tying the final knot, did you think of the boy scouts?
About how you felt completely alone but kept a smile on your mouth
Because you knew what you were learning was something that would one day
Allow you to escape from the discolored family photo that you left framed
Hanging on the wall, though everyone told you that you should just throw it away
Escape, and a self hate to which I can very much relate
No, it isn't you, it's your illness that is to blame
Not that it makes it any easier for her to deal with her pain
Can you imagine, the sight of your indestructible father at the end of a rope?
"One day he was here", she whispered, "and the next was just a ghost"
And so she sits there, with tears streaming down her face
As blank stare after blank stare tell her everything will be okay
But that memory is not erasable, that torture inescapable
And she feels, just like you did, like no one really understands her at all
Timothy Kenda Feb 2016
Don't you see what I've done here
The blood on my hands, my own
Mistakes and for all our sake, I better leave now
Because there are going to be consequences I can't face
I guess we'll all hurt one day
Brace yourself, but there is a slight difference at play
You can forgive yourself of your past transgressions
While mine have become my prison
It's here that I should die, maybe I never should have tried
To escape in the first place, self hate is the worst place
That we can allow our souls to reside
Can you see it now, how it's rotting at the edges
Black through and through, worn away
That is what happens when you live in this place
You die in these ways
You fail to see the light, for almost all of your days
Timothy Kenda Feb 2016
Like a desperate feeling that you can't seem to escape
Like having a fate that simply means you'll be erased
I can't take, the enormity of it all, the violence of a car crash happening
With soul rending surety, and knowing you have to feel the pain
At least for a moment, before you fade away into ether
Into the black that is the great beyond
The hardest things aren't easy
The hardest thing is death
Timothy Kenda Feb 2016
Little letters rearranged, thoughts become entwined
As I sit here so desperately trying to speak my mind
Speak of beauty and love and how you are so kind
But I can't come up with the answer, because no words combined
Can explain the power of my feelings, describe how you left me reeling at first sight
Left me dreaming till first light through the nights and the bright days
No this is not some fake phase, no this is something real
And the words fail at their job of conveying how I feel
Because there is one phrase, overused and abused
The "I love you's" and equally ubiquitous "I love you too's"
Worn out through the ages like our favorite pairs of shoes
So let me show you, that all I want forever is to know you
And that I owe you more than all the gratitude found in this earth
And so I'm cursed, forever bound by these simple little words
When I want you to read is the love and the sunlight, even if it sounds absurd
So I'm begging you, bear with me, for this is just a simple beginning
To a journey, one which we can walk down the same path together
And though these words will be inadequate forever
Well you know me, as I know you, and striving for perfection is what I do
Though the goal is just never quite in reach, I'll still try to tell you and paint pictures in your head that you can see while you're asleep
So please dear, accept my apologies that these words cannot give you a sense of how much you mean to me
Because the feelings underneath are so strong and I swear that as long as I have a chance to breathe
I'll give you all my love until we both fade off into eternity, and cease to be
And our journey brings us into the next life together
Though the words might not show it I swear I'll love you forever
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