I couldn't find the words to describe the hurt
So I put your name in my skin

i don't know why i write so much
mediocre words jumbled together in a desperate need for expression i suppose
sometimes i wish you'd sit down and read my spirit right out of me
and maybe i'd finally feel heard, seen
*this is a cleansing
my scars and soft spots bared to you
i curl in on myself as the world blinks innocently
this is a cleansing

A change of scene
New surroundings
New faces
Charming places
None of these
Can change your mind
Fix the chemistry
Fix your calamity
I'm afraid
You will always be
A sad and broken thing
Lost in the world's beauty

the sky lives in your eyes
the stars spattered across your skin
you are made of something beyond
and the beyond made something beautiful

I cave.
I smile.
I walk away
With no comfort,
Feeling no more certain of anything
Than I had felt before,
But I can't
demand we talk about this,
can't demand
anything from you.
I'm too afraid
of confrontation
that leads to loss.
you are
the last precious person,
so I cave.
I smile.
"it's okay"

what the **** is this, anyway?

today is one of those days where my heart beats too harsh, too heavy in my chest
where my skin is a cold and barren wasteland and my chest a cavity
earthquake fingernails, itching to scratch, pick, pull skin and hair
i can hear the gunshot ring in my ears
i can feel the world cave beneath my feet
the walls close in and i wonder how i can be so
nothing and everything all at once
the silence, the scream, and the whispers between

don't have a second to waste,
projects piling up around me.
it's that time of the year I guess –
busy busy busy –
but it's good,
less time to think,
less time to dwell,
and I'm determined to stop dwelling,
start living,
taking in the air around me, fresh or not,
breathing it like I'm addicted.
start smiling,
because I've got my headphones and my sketchbook and that's all i need.
all i have to do is stop waiting for more,
stop waiting for the world to catch up with my thoughts and give me something new.
im so in love with adventure that i waste my time pining over it
instead of going out and finding it.
i wanna make every day an adventure.
learn a new word, listen to a new song, find a new fleck of color in your eyes.
i wanna laugh without feeling ashamed and love my friends like they deserve.
ive got projects piling up around me
and i think
this could be a new day,
so im pressing start.
let's go.

i feel lost somewhere in existence
unhappy with my state of being
someone hit the pause button on my life but i am still going
no one is speaking to me, no one acknowledges me
i am walking alone in a world that does not care
trudging knee-deep in unwanted apathy
and the levels are rising and i am so afraid
so afraid to get complacent
there is no purpose in life but to live
and i am surviving, just barely, but not alive
pushing blindly with no one beside me
and no end goal in sight

One day when we're older
You'll probably be a doctor or a nurse
And I'll still be drawing cartoons
And wishing I could travel the earth
You'll be smarter, you'll be mature
I'll be sitting in my room
I will likely always be this way
We may grow out of tune
I'm not lying when I say I love you
But I'm afraid to promise you forever
I think that in the future
I'll be stagnant, but you'll be better
And we'll look back on today
And we'll wonder what has changed
But the question's not what changed, it's what didn't

Have you stopped writing?

The streets we used to walk are forgetting the sound of our footsteps
The soles of our feet forget the heat of the pavement
Barefoot Arizona summer

Our hearts forget the sugar high pace,
The remaining memories lose their clarity
All childhood games end eventually

I think magic only exists when you’re young
I think we lost it somewhere along the way

I wish I could remember
I’d give anything to relive those days

When I was a kid, I used to pick myself to pieces trying to find the part that was wrong.
I guess I thought it’d stop at some point, but I find myself reflecting on every little thing I’ve ever done,
tracing back the footsteps to where I lost you.
I guess it has to be me, but it’s the same elementary game,
Molding myself to meet your needs until I don’t know where you end and I begin,
So when you leave you take a part of me.
I will try to fill the space with whatever I was missing and I will play this game again with some new player who won’t tell me the rules.

Cry baby bleeding heart
Ruin everything you touch
Wet with tears, wet with blood
Hold too tight, **** it up
Deep red handprints on white sheets
Killing what you try to keep

Emotions hushed in the dark now threaten to spill out
Smiling sadly over streetlamp lit memories
I stand at this unfamiliar corner and look up at the sky
I swear you're somewhere in the constellations

hey, so,
are we cool?
ive written this before,
written confessions about the meaning behind it.
hey,
are we still close?
because you mean the world to me, id pull the moon out of the sky for you, do anything for you,
and i think at some point you felt that way too
except im not too sure
you've never been great at showing it
and even then
it doesn't matter anymore.
hey, like,
not to sound irrational
(i am)
but are you sick of me?
because everyone is eventually, and it's okay,
ive seen this coming
but if you're gonna shoot me
just do it already.
uh... hey.
i love you.
...but are we cool?

with my head in my hands i count my breaths
name 5 things you can touch, 5 things you can hear, 5 things you can see
can i see that? is it there? is it really? is it really?
the way i ebb and flow
the sights behind closed eyes
whispers of foggy memories
in 2 3 4, out 2 3 4
try to catch my body where it slips outside the lines

2 AM on another night when I cannot settle down to sleep
The sun bursting from my fingertips, I tense and relax my shoulders,
Try to focus on the feeling of soft blankets, odd silence, hot room
Anything real and in this moment
Because I am slipping into
Fifteen thousand worlds contained thinly within this skin
Like fifteen thousand lives
So much energy
Souls in mason jars
I am crackling, fuzzy at the edges, burning burning burning
I cannot hold everything within me,
I am aching, chest-deep in grief missing loved ones from different lifetimes
Reaching out towards the static-y edge of reality like I could touch it, pass through it,
Push through the walls of my own body
Release this energy in waves
And if I could scatter myself across all of existence,
Maybe I could finally sleep.

an odd age
i'm caught in this inbetween
looking back at things that seem to be an eternity ago
staring into the future, where i've yet to go
and i've come so far, and i've got miles ahead of me
and i'm one step forward, two steps back, dancing on the path
uncertain and sure and fearless and afraid
running forward, bold and blind,
shrinking back a ways
trying to cling to, yet shake off my past
trying to slow down, but still live life fast
this strange imbalance
don't want to rush, don't want to drag,
wanna live, not dwell, but i don't wanna miss it
i want to make memories, have fun with friends by my side,
i want to cherish these moments,
but if i think too much, they'll slip by,
and I'm so afraid of every laugh line I'll miss
But so ready for the opportunities.

or maybe*
I'll pack it all up like I've said
Take my dreams on the road
Spend my life alive
Just driving to the future
Wherever my art may lead me
Run laps around the coastline
And memorize the feeling
Of your hand in mine,
Racing off to some new adventure,
Lost on purpose

it's the first time you've washed your hair in a week and it comes out in clumps
you stare at the water and try not to think about who you've become
scrubbing away the sweat and dead skin
moving lightly over the bruises where you've struck yourself
watch it all go down the drain

ive been having trouble sleeping
without purpose
text me in the morning, a reason to start the day
i am comfortable and safe under covers
but stagnant, alone, and awake
i am just floating in time and space
coexisting with the day as it passes me by
ive been having trouble sleeping
without someone to wish goodnight

The false, fraying mask of elation
Falls piece by piece from your face
And underneath the lies are tired eyes,
An exhaustion you quietly hate
Hidden under the plastic joy.
Let me be your toy, and do not throw me out.
Let me exaggerate this smile to a shout.
I have to make sure that you know I really care,
But I've worn myself out again,
Bright eyes die down to cold stare.
And it's not that I don't love you,
And it's not that we're not right-
I just don't know how to show you how I feel without stage lights

I wish I could build myself perfect for you
I'd have the prettiest eyes you could get lost in
I'd make myself strong enough to protect you
I'd make myself everything you need
But here I am
Underwhelming
And my eyes are black
And I am soft to touch

last night when i held the razor to my throat
the voices that held my wrist, wouldn't let me pull across
were the voices of perfect strangers
and i felt the deafening silence of where yours could have been, my friends
and so when i see you say you have no friends
i will not rub circles in your tense back
like i always have done in the past
you cast me to the rocks without thinking
don't expect me to keep you afloat when you start sinking

I am trying not to be but I am so afraid I am so afraid I am so afraid
I am so much I am too much I am too loud I am ten thousand miles an hour I never want to lose you but I know I am a thunderstorm I am the loud sudden noise we are both afraid of I am the inevitable heaviness and I am so afraid

there's a pretty hole within me
there's candy, sweets inside
on edges made of sugar crystals
shards and sharp corners hide
there's a rotting hole within me
it's dark and growing wide
it smells like cherry filling
the air can get you high
dependency like poison
a cold and gaping need
can be strangely alluring
it plays cruel tricks on me
say darling, don't you love me?
say baby, you're my need
say please don't look too close, dear
screaming please, love, don't you leave

It is 3 AM and I am so blessed to be next to you
But I can't help but wish I could make time go faster faster until we are both awake again, reluctant to move, warm and close and I will slow it all down, slow motion so I never have to leave your side, never have to get back on that plane and fly all those miles away from you and your warmth and your presence

I do not control time

2 days remain
And there will be glass and time and distance between us
But hold me for now

i swore to myself
id never be like my father
wouldnt follow my brother
grow into soiled shoes
but promises aside, i still find myself
laying in bed on a friday night
wishing i had fewer emotions
less expected of me
and more
***

i'm doing it again and i don't even mean to
i realize by evening that i haven't spoken a word all day
sitting in silence alone in my bedroom
and i know it's not okay
i know tomorrow i'll be restless
i'll be itching just to move
i'll be calling out for someone
i need someone to talk to
i keep sitting in my lonely
forget it's even there
til i'm tangled up inside it
choking on stagnant air
i don't mean to do it, i don't want to isolate
but by the time i finally realize it's already much too late

you don't regret the violence
until the throbbing sets in in your wrists

Jamming the self-destruct button
You slam your fist down on it
Red lights are flashing, sirens blaring
You're waiting for the countdown
You can't wait for the explosion

The gravel stirs under my feet,
The wind caresses my skin.
As I walk along this path, a sense of peace and unity sets in.
I am a part of nature.
The young rabbits that scurry to hide in the brush fear me the way I feared thunder as a child.
I am a force of nature.
There is something lifting about remembering that I am just a part of everything that surrounds me,
And that everything else is simply another piece.
Nature is made up of an incomprehensible number of little pieces simply trying to find a balance.
I breathe in the summer air and my breath becomes part of the breeze.
We are, for now, at peace.

I can't help it sometimes
I just want to love you
Slip right back into it like it's easy
Like we're still perfect together

Forgive me if I miss you
I just wanna go home

I shake when I think about us
When I think about how much more I need you
than you could ever need me
When I think about the defeat in your words
And how our hearts can hold so much
But yours just can't seem to hold
mine

Tell me I've gotta learn to take care of myself somehow and I'll tell you I don't care
I fully intend to run away to college and maybe starve or maybe never take my pills or take all my pills at once
Let my life build up around me and drown in it drown in it drown in it
That's all I know how to do
Play in oil and light close fires
Burn up, burn up, burn up

lie to me
make my soul glow
i am freezing cold with nowhere to go but into your arms
so if you would
just
hold me

I feel like I've failed some sort of test
Like I've already lost
Allowing myself to need
Is just waiting for the other foot to drop
I am here to serve
Seen, used, and not heard unless spoken to
And that has nothing to do with you
But it is my reality
The moment I am human is the moment I am no longer amusing
The moment I am left behind
I need you I need you I need you to allow me to need you I need to be allowed to bend I often break and that is so often the breaking point but I don't ever want to lose this i don't ever want to lose you but this feels like losing, trying to cry silently because I'm so scared of disappointing you, of disappointing you by panicking about disappointing you, disappointing you by-

I grew up so much on your bedroom floor
With our backs to the carpet, we’d lay there and listen to Muse and talk about *******.
Nothing matters when you’re 11 years old, it’s just cartoons and sugar and whatever darkness grows behind closed doors, but those doors are closed
And I thought I kept my shadows out in the hallway where they couldn’t catch us playing make believe in your pool.
I thought it’s too bright outside for dark things
And we were far too fast on our bikes,
And it was far too high when we’d hike
And the Arizona summers would protect us.
I guess the dark things got in when we’d sleep,
Maybe you could smell the cold on me,
Something slipped in through the cracks and ****** things over.
I miss sleeping in your basement, I miss living in your back pocket, and I miss thinking of your name without trying not to cry.
You are so ingrained in me, but you want nothing to do with me, and that place can never exist for us again.
It’s a terrible thing to wrap my head around.
We could be laughing in your kitchen with some horrible concoction that’ll keep us up to watch the sunrise again,
But I’m just left to wonder where you’ve been.
I know you’re smart, I hope you’re happy, I hope you have a new best friend,
I hope they grow with you and learn from you, and I hope you do with them.
I hope you think of me, but not too much, I think dwelling would be sad.
I hope you forgive whatever I did wrong and look back fondly on what we had.

I cannot stop moving, cannot quiet my thoughts.
When did I start crying?
I'm not really upset, I'm just feeling a lot.
When will I stop lying?

i hope that one day i stop stuttering, that i become good enough with words to do justice to your love,
to the way you wrap me in your arms on a daily basis, even so far away
i hope that one day i can tell you that you are an oasis in the desert, a warm blanket in the winter in a way that is less cliche
you are so much more than "roses are red", than all my tired metaphors
i am stupid in awe of you, it's like the english language leaves my head,
or maybe it was never really equipped in the first place
to describe
the exhilarating, calming, comfortable riot of your love
so i just stumble over simple phrases,
i just say over and over again, you are the sun, you are the sun, you are the sun,
i cannot quite describe how caught up i am in your gravity
i just ramble on, i say
you are my person, you are my safe place, you are my favorite song
flipping through dictionaries and thesauruses
i don't think i will ever have the words to describe you, to verbalize what you mean to me
but i'll happily spend my life by your side trying

I am wasting
You can finish the phrase any way you like, it will be true
I am wasting my
Time, potential, life
I am wasting your time, your concern
I am wasting resources, waste of oxygen
I am laying here in bed wasting time on fussing over wasted time
A cycle that only ever endlessly repeats itself
I cannot get back the time I spend thinking about time and how I spend it
My life is drip drip dripping away, spilling from a paper cup with only so much still inside and I am tipping it, drip dripping away

How selfish, how vain of me
To look for myself in your poetry
Your life has evolved beyond the dancing of our past
The laughter I hear in the rainfall is far off
Light travels faster than sound
And you are my light
You have flown past me now
But I still hear you in the night

She takes the hand of the bright-eyed girl beside her
And declares they've been best friends since first grade.

I think back to myself
And I can't even remember
My first-grade best friend's name.
I can go through the list of people I miss,
My dearest of friends from the past,
But when your life is ripped up from the roots every year there's no chance for a friendship to last, so I
Feel these little broken pieces:
Parts of childhood I missed.
The chaos that my father made has somehow come to this.
I can't believe I didn't see you turn sixteen.
I can't believe how many friends I had to leave.
I wish I had a steady past,
A memorable, nostalgic memory,
But everything came and went so fast
And now, I guess, it's only me.

She's known her best friend since first grade.
To whoever you were, now are, out there,
I wish I could've stayed.

Dramatics aside, I am healing
Learning to drink the rainwater as the sky falls
And learning that the sky falling is only gravity
If I fall with it, I can pick myself up
Knocked-out teeth and bloodied knees
Still breathing

Take a look at the beautiful people;
Remember you're not one.
You're supposed to be having fun.
Why can't you just have fun?

I will give you butterfly kisses
While you pretend not to notice my illness
Slowly, deeply
We destroy each other
My darling, enabling lover

there's a sour taste in my mouth as i read
i bite my cheek hard, flood it with iron
i'm used to the way blood tastes
i shut off to the uncertainty
none of this really matters
you do not think of me