wren cole: Poems

I get stuck on one word and cannot finish my sentence until I have said CANNOT enough times that it feels like the word has settled on my tongue
The sound chases itself out over and over and over and over and over and over and insert 'over and over' again
I rapidly flap my bare foot and thank the universe that I am breaking down down down down down down down down down down down down in my room room room not not outside

193 · Jul 2016

strawberry

wren cole Jul 2016

strawberry

skinny is like a drug
take a hit and you can't get enough
i spent two whole years feeling hollow
making excuses, taking pills
"recovery" is a full plate
instead of a strawberry,
maybe,
on a good day.
"recovery" was supposed to be healthy, but i'm left with
oh god
close your eyes
don't look at the stretch marks
the touch of your thighs
don't look at your shadow
avoid your reflection
scars on your arms
add to the collection
i'd
rather
be
dead

193 · Aug 2017

Stagnant

wren cole Aug 2017

Stagnant

One day when we're older
You'll probably be a doctor or a nurse
And I'll still be drawing cartoons
And wishing I could travel the earth
You'll be smarter, you'll be mature
I'll be sitting in my room
I will likely always be this way
We may grow out of tune
I'm not lying when I say I love you
But I'm afraid to promise you forever
I think that in the future
I'll be stagnant, but you'll be better
And we'll look back on today
And we'll wonder what has changed
But the question's not what changed, it's what didn't

192 · Aug 2016

confession: blood tattoos

wren cole Aug 2016

confession: blood tattoos

I couldn't find the words to describe the hurt
So I put your name in my skin

191 · Dec 2016

read me read me read me (please)

wren cole Dec 2016

read me read me read me (please)

i don't know why i write so much
mediocre words jumbled together in a desperate need for expression i suppose
sometimes i wish you'd sit down and read my spirit right out of me
and maybe i'd finally feel heard, seen
*this is a cleansing
my scars and soft spots bared to you
i curl in on myself as the world blinks innocently
this is a cleansing

i dunno i get really hurt when i trust someone by directly showing them my writing and they don't understand how i'm exposing myself to them and they don't care or read anything with any thought

190 · Jan 2017

Untitled

wren cole Jan 2017

Untitled

I'll cradle the nights
you'd think they'd be less long and lonely with all the stars by my side
but the stars are friends and I'm afraid to reach to the sky again
reach up, let the moon brush my fingertips
I'll care for the nights
nurture them with dreams and sighs
let them drink up the wist
I'll handle the moon
take care of the sun for me

190 · Oct 2017

fifteen thousand worlds

wren cole Oct 2017

fifteen thousand worlds

2 AM on another night when I cannot settle down to sleep
The sun bursting from my fingertips, I tense and relax my shoulders,
Try to focus on the feeling of soft blankets, odd silence, hot room
Anything real and in this moment
Because I am slipping into
Fifteen thousand worlds contained thinly within this skin
Like fifteen thousand lives
So much energy
Souls in mason jars
I am crackling, fuzzy at the edges, burning burning burning
I cannot hold everything within me,
I am aching, chest-deep in grief missing loved ones from different lifetimes
Reaching out towards the static-y edge of reality like I could touch it, pass through it,
Push through the walls of my own body
Release this energy in waves
And if I could scatter myself across all of existence,
Maybe I could finally sleep.

190 · May 2016

drowning numb

wren cole May 2016

drowning numb

A silent sort of sadness
Quiet, deadly depression
Weighs me down, anchors me deeper
Dragging me into the dark syrupy ocean
That I created within myself from emotion
And it's surrounding me, drowning me,
Filling my lungs and coating my insides
Too much of it touching my skin to feel it within so I'm
Drowning numb, giving in to sleep
Adding to the secret scar collection I keep
Waiting for the tide to pull me to shore
Or waiting until I can't breathe anymore

189 · Oct 2017

Untitled

wren cole Oct 2017

Untitled

today is one of those days where my heart beats too harsh, too heavy in my chest
where my skin is a cold and barren wasteland and my chest a cavity
earthquake fingernails, itching to scratch, pick, pull skin and hair
i can hear the gunshot ring in my ears
i can feel the world cave beneath my feet
the walls close in and i wonder how i can be so
nothing and everything all at once
the silence, the scream, and the whispers between

188 · Aug 2017

low

wren cole Aug 2017

low

i feel lost somewhere in existence
unhappy with my state of being
someone hit the pause button on my life but i am still going
no one is speaking to me, no one acknowledges me
i am walking alone in a world that does not care
trudging knee-deep in unwanted apathy
and the levels are rising and i am so afraid
so afraid to get complacent
there is no purpose in life but to live
and i am surviving, just barely, but not alive
pushing blindly with no one beside me
and no end goal in sight

187 · Apr 2016

Untitled

wren cole Apr 2016

Untitled

Rage surges through my body like electric currents
And I am flesh and bone not meant to control it
Forgive me, I'm about to break
I might shock you with my uncontrollable sparking
I do not want this electricity
It makes my dearest, my golden afraid of me

186 · Nov 2017

sugar chasm

wren cole Nov 2017

sugar chasm

there's a pretty hole within me
there's candy, sweets inside
on edges made of sugar crystals
shards and sharp corners hide
there's a rotting hole within me
it's dark and growing wide
it smells like cherry filling
the air can get you high
dependency like poison
a cold and gaping need
can be strangely alluring
it plays cruel tricks on me
say darling, don't you love me?
say baby, you're my need
say please don't look too close, dear
screaming please, love, don't you leave

this is convoluted as hell but basically, i often find intense joy and warmth and safety in my dependent habits until I am no longer able to indulge them and then I'm LOST AS HELL and also remember that needing someone that way isn't healthy

186 · Aug 2016

i give my regards to savannah

wren cole Aug 2016

i give my regards to savannah

A change of scene
New surroundings
New faces
Charming places
None of these
Can change your mind
Fix the chemistry
Fix your calamity
I'm afraid
You will always be
A sad and broken thing
Lost in the world's beauty

186 · Nov 2017

external clock

wren cole Nov 2017

external clock

ive been having trouble sleeping
without purpose
text me in the morning, a reason to start the day
i am comfortable and safe under covers
but stagnant, alone, and awake
i am just floating in time and space
coexisting with the day as it passes me by
ive been having trouble sleeping
without someone to wish goodnight

i can't function without someone to cling to ****....... my dependent ***

186 · Jan 2017

Complacency

wren cole Jan 2017

Complacency

I cave.
I smile.
I walk away
With no comfort,
Feeling no more certain of anything
Than I had felt before,
But I can't
demand we talk about this,
can't demand
anything from you.
I'm too afraid
of confrontation
that leads to loss.
you are
the last precious person,
so I cave.
I smile.
"it's okay"

what the **** is this, anyway?

I need to talk about this I need to know you hear me I need to know where we stand but I'm so afraid to offer anything but complacency

184 · Jan 2018

Untitled

wren cole Jan 2018

Untitled

I can't help it sometimes
I just want to love you
Slip right back into it like it's easy
Like we're still perfect together

Forgive me if I miss you
I just wanna go home

184 · Aug 2017

paper face

wren cole Aug 2017

paper face

The false, fraying mask of elation
Falls piece by piece from your face
And underneath the lies are tired eyes,
An exhaustion you quietly hate
Hidden under the plastic joy.
Let me be your toy, and do not throw me out.
Let me exaggerate this smile to a shout.
I have to make sure that you know I really care,
But I've worn myself out again,
Bright eyes die down to cold stare.
And it's not that I don't love you,
And it's not that we're not right-
I just don't know how to show you how I feel without stage lights

183 · Oct 2017

Untitled

wren cole Oct 2017

Untitled

with my head in my hands i count my breaths
name 5 things you can touch, 5 things you can hear, 5 things you can see
can i see that? is it there? is it really? is it really?
the way i ebb and flow
the sights behind closed eyes
whispers of foggy memories
in 2 3 4, out 2 3 4
try to catch my body where it slips outside the lines

183 · Jun 2017

Untitled

wren cole Jun 2017

Untitled

it's the first time you've washed your hair in a week and it comes out in clumps
you stare at the water and try not to think about who you've become
scrubbing away the sweat and dead skin
moving lightly over the bruises where you've struck yourself
watch it all go down the drain

182 · Aug 2016

it sounds like static and i want it gone

wren cole Aug 2016

it sounds like static and i want it gone

thoughts
like little bugs
pesky things
creeping around your head
leaving bites and sores
*i am selfish
i am toxic
i am not worth it

182 · Oct 2017

Untitled

wren cole Oct 2017

Untitled

I am trying not to be but I am so afraid I am so afraid I am so afraid
I am so much I am too much I am too loud I am ten thousand miles an hour I never want to lose you but I know I am a thunderstorm I am the loud sudden noise we are both afraid of I am the inevitable heaviness and I am so afraid

182 · Jan 2017

tastes like salt and desperation

wren cole Jan 2017

tastes like salt and desperation

hey, so,
are we cool?
ive written this before,
written confessions about the meaning behind it.
hey,
are we still close?
because you mean the world to me, id pull the moon out of the sky for you, do anything for you,
and i think at some point you felt that way too
except im not too sure
you've never been great at showing it
and even then
it doesn't matter anymore.
hey, like,
not to sound irrational
(i am)
but are you sick of me?
because everyone is eventually, and it's okay,
ive seen this coming
but if you're gonna shoot me
just do it already.
uh... hey.
i love you.
...but are we cool?

181 · Jul 2021

Untitled

wren cole Jul 2021

Untitled

I am heavy with the sopping weight of dead dreams
I am wet with the blood of my childhood
I am on a warpath through this emptiness
I swear to god I’ll feel alive again

181 · May 2016

To My Father.

wren cole May 2016

To My Father.

Here, I lay down everything,
Everything you took from me,
Every missing piece I need that I will never have.
Here's every time you made us move so you could keep your habits.
Here's every time I had to leave a "home" when I thought I finally had it.
Here's every breath of cigarette smoke that you pumped into my lungs.
Here's every time you drank yourself stupid and every drug you've ever done.
Here's all of the family vacations we never took.
Here's all of the birthdays and milestones you missed because you just didn't bother to look.
You can have back every stupid meaningless thing you've tried to buy my love with.
You can have back the anxiety you gave me from all of the times you drank yourself shitless.
You took the childhood I was supposed to have and then you asked if you were still my dad.
You didn't pay child support, let alone raise me,
So no, I don't forgive you for the hell that you gave me.

My childhood was thoroughly ****** by my drunk druggie smoker can't-stay-in-one-place father. Also my ****** brother but that's a story for another time

181 · Sep 2017

Untitled

wren cole Sep 2017

Untitled

I wish I could build myself perfect for you
I'd have the prettiest eyes you could get lost in
I'd make myself strong enough to protect you
I'd make myself everything you need
But here I am
Underwhelming
And my eyes are black
And I am soft to touch

I am upset about a stupid thing and no one is surprised

180 · Oct 2017

here for real

wren cole Oct 2017

here for real

It is 3 AM and I am so blessed to be next to you
But I can't help but wish I could make time go faster faster until we are both awake again, reluctant to move, warm and close and I will slow it all down, slow motion so I never have to leave your side, never have to get back on that plane and fly all those miles away from you and your warmth and your presence

I do not control time

2 days remain
And there will be glass and time and distance between us
But hold me for now

180 · Jul 2016

the friendly little voice that talks over the pangs

wren cole Jul 2016

the friendly little voice that talks over the pangs

There is a voice in the back of your head that whispers,
"This used to be easy."
Well, it started as a whisper.
Lately it's been so loud you swear you can hear the echos in the hallway back to your bedroom.
"You didn't even feel it."
You close your eyes, ignore the pangs, pull your blankets closer.
"Remember how they praised you?"
Try not to be so aware of the way your body presses, the way your clothes press into your body, ill-fitting.
"You're failing, you used to be so good."
You realize you've started making a mental list of everything you've eaten today. You're not sure when you began. Everything looks so much bigger in your memories.
*"This used to be so easy."

I'm Fine™

180 · Jul 2016

ian daniel

wren cole Jul 2016

ian daniel

Emotions hushed in the dark now threaten to spill out
Smiling sadly over streetlamp lit memories
I stand at this unfamiliar corner and look up at the sky
I swear you're somewhere in the constellations

179 · May 2016

haiku: you

wren cole May 2016

haiku: you

The shape of your lips.
The blue of your eyes. Still these
Linger, haunt my mind.

#haiku

179 · Apr 2017

i want to do this right

wren cole Apr 2017

i want to do this right

or maybe*
I'll pack it all up like I've said
Take my dreams on the road
Spend my life alive
Just driving to the future
Wherever my art may lead me
Run laps around the coastline
And memorize the feeling
Of your hand in mine,
Racing off to some new adventure,
Lost on purpose

177 · Nov 2017

Untitled

wren cole Nov 2017

Untitled

i'm doing it again and i don't even mean to
i realize by evening that i haven't spoken a word all day
sitting in silence alone in my bedroom
and i know it's not okay
i know tomorrow i'll be restless
i'll be itching just to move
i'll be calling out for someone
i need someone to talk to
i keep sitting in my lonely
forget it's even there
til i'm tangled up inside it
choking on stagnant air
i don't mean to do it, i don't want to isolate
but by the time i finally realize it's already much too late

hey @ me if you're gonna ***** all the time at least be a little more eloquent about it. get a different rhyme scheme ya ****

176 · May 2016

cast me aside

wren cole May 2016

cast me aside

last night when i held the razor to my throat
the voices that held my wrist, wouldn't let me pull across
were the voices of perfect strangers
and i felt the deafening silence of where yours could have been, my friends
and so when i see you say you have no friends
i will not rub circles in your tense back
like i always have done in the past
you cast me to the rocks without thinking
don't expect me to keep you afloat when you start sinking

174 · Jul 2016

in every action

wren cole Jul 2016

in every action

Jamming the self-destruct button
You slam your fist down on it
Red lights are flashing, sirens blaring
You're waiting for the countdown
You can't wait for the explosion

173 · Feb 2017

parallel

wren cole Feb 2017

parallel

I shake when I think about us
When I think about how much more I need you
than you could ever need me
When I think about the defeat in your words
And how our hearts can hold so much
But yours just can't seem to hold
mine

173 · Jan 2017

Untitled

wren cole Jan 2017

Untitled

i swore to myself
id never be like my father
wouldnt follow my brother
grow into soiled shoes
but promises aside, i still find myself
laying in bed on a friday night
wishing i had fewer emotions
less expected of me
and more
***

173 · Jul 2016

walking thoughts

wren cole Jul 2016

walking thoughts

The gravel stirs under my feet,
The wind caresses my skin.
As I walk along this path, a sense of peace and unity sets in.
I am a part of nature.
The young rabbits that scurry to hide in the brush fear me the way I feared thunder as a child.
I am a force of nature.
There is something lifting about remembering that I am just a part of everything that surrounds me,
And that everything else is simply another piece.
Nature is made up of an incomprehensible number of little pieces simply trying to find a balance.
I breathe in the summer air and my breath becomes part of the breeze.
We are, for now, at peace.

171 · Apr 2016

X

wren cole Apr 2016

X

you don't regret the violence
until the throbbing sets in in your wrists

169 · Oct 2017

Untitled

wren cole Oct 2017

Untitled

I feel like I've failed some sort of test
Like I've already lost
Allowing myself to need
Is just waiting for the other foot to drop
I am here to serve
Seen, used, and not heard unless spoken to
And that has nothing to do with you
But it is my reality
The moment I am human is the moment I am no longer amusing
The moment I am left behind
I need you I need you I need you to allow me to need you I need to be allowed to bend I often break and that is so often the breaking point but I don't ever want to lose this i don't ever want to lose you but this feels like losing, trying to cry silently because I'm so scared of disappointing you, of disappointing you by panicking about disappointing you, disappointing you by-

169 · Oct 2020

Untitled

wren cole Oct 2020

Untitled

Garden gate yawning open, you step out into a world that hasn't quite awoken
The sleepy light of dawn to warm you, the morning dew cool on bare feet
I dream of walking in the Earth's gentle arms
Before she stretches off her sleep
In this quiet sort of patience, the world seems so at peace

i miss when i was younger and i would just stay up all night and go for a walk at dawn and everything seemed so silent

167 · Jul 2021

Untitled

wren cole Jul 2021

Untitled

I am 22 years old with 23 snatching at my ankles
And I have fought for every scrap of independence I can get my hands on
I retire to my bed at night, in a new home but still not my own
Sweating out the heat and trying to be grateful for where I am
But the screaming piece of starlight that still lives in my chest always weeps
Where is my kingdom?
Where is my castle?

Yeah I grew up but at what cost

167 · Apr 2017

Untitled

wren cole Apr 2017

Untitled

lie to me
make my soul glow
i am freezing cold with nowhere to go but into your arms
so if you would
just
hold me

vague wheeeeeeeee

165 · May 2016

My Childhood Missing Pieces

wren cole May 2016

My Childhood Missing Pieces

She takes the hand of the bright-eyed girl beside her
And declares they've been best friends since first grade.

I think back to myself
And I can't even remember
My first-grade best friend's name.
I can go through the list of people I miss,
My dearest of friends from the past,
But when your life is ripped up from the roots every year there's no chance for a friendship to last, so I
Feel these little broken pieces:
Parts of childhood I missed.
The chaos that my father made has somehow come to this.
I can't believe I didn't see you turn sixteen.
I can't believe how many friends I had to leave.
I wish I had a steady past,
A memorable, nostalgic memory,
But everything came and went so fast
And now, I guess, it's only me.

She's known her best friend since first grade.
To whoever you were, now are, out there,
I wish I could've stayed.

Just watched a song tribute a girl wrote for her long time best friend's eighteenth birthday. Not for the first time, I felt my heart get heavy with the longing for a normal childhood. I've known my longest friend since 5th grade and even then I had to move before high school.
I wonder who my best friend was in first grade.

I dedicate this to Cheyenne, Elysa Star, Sharon, Libby, and of course, Merit.
I wish we could've grown up together.
I miss you all.

165 · Dec 2016

Untitled

wren cole Dec 2016

Untitled

Tell me I've gotta learn to take care of myself somehow and I'll tell you I don't care
I fully intend to run away to college and maybe starve or maybe never take my pills or take all my pills at once
Let my life build up around me and drown in it drown in it drown in it
That's all I know how to do
Play in oil and light close fires
Burn up, burn up, burn up

164 · Oct 2017

Untitled

wren cole Oct 2017

Untitled

I am wasting
You can finish the phrase any way you like, it will be true
I am wasting my
Time, potential, life
I am wasting your time, your concern
I am wasting resources, waste of oxygen
I am laying here in bed wasting time on fussing over wasted time
A cycle that only ever endlessly repeats itself
I cannot get back the time I spend thinking about time and how I spend it
My life is drip drip dripping away, spilling from a paper cup with only so much still inside and I am tipping it, drip dripping away

163 · Jul 2016

manic night, 12 am

wren cole Jul 2016

manic night, 12 am

I cannot stop moving, cannot quiet my thoughts.
When did I start crying?
I'm not really upset, I'm just feeling a lot.
When will I stop lying?

I'm a sucker for really ****** rhyme schemes for some reason

161 · Nov 2017

Untitled

wren cole Nov 2017

Untitled

Dramatics aside, I am healing
Learning to drink the rainwater as the sky falls
And learning that the sky falling is only gravity
If I fall with it, I can pick myself up
Knocked-out teeth and bloodied knees
Still breathing

159 · Jul 2016

tell me straight or don't say anything

wren cole Jul 2016

tell me straight or don't say anything

there's a sour taste in my mouth as i read
i bite my cheek hard, flood it with iron
i'm used to the way blood tastes
i shut off to the uncertainty
none of this really matters
you do not think of me