there's a sour taste in my mouth as i read
i bite my cheek hard, flood it with iron
i'm used to the way blood tastes
i shut off to the uncertainty
none of this really matters
you do not think of me

let the embrace of naivety rock me to sleep
cloak me in the past
in days before i was weak
let me hold the stars
for just one more night
let me rest for real
let me wake up unafraid
to the sound of a city i know

i see the sun coming through my window but only feel the winter air
i say, you are dear to me, you are so dear to me, you are so, so,
as i watch you dance in the golden light outside, out of reach and seemingly unaware
and you are basking in all that is not me, all that you can hold within your hands, feel the weight on your palms, close fist on and restrict
and i've been there, yet i still wish to be
the soft and pliable thing in your grip, struggling to breathe
beaming lover, blinding me
and i thought i was over it, i thought i wasn't gonna grieve this time,
cos you're not gone, but it feels like you're gone with this wall between us,
these panes of glass and you on the outside, but not bothering to look in to see this boy you left behind
this stupid boy, dying to be your winter coat, your autumn leaves, your summer sun to dance in
to be outside and to be in your grasp
oxygen or lack thereof

I will force my eyes closed, try restlessly to sleep
Knowing that I have messed it all up
Fearing that I will never get it right
Gently, I cling to your heart
In hopes that if I hold it close enough
I can piece it back together somehow
Undo the damage

I cannot bring you into my world by any form of art.
This haunts me.
I cannot make you see my point of view, perfect sketch in point perspective, through pencil lines or paragraphs.
This wounds me.
I cannot make you understand that I am timidly, delicately passing my heart into your hands, so you do not know to treat it gently,
And this kills me.

Garden gate yawning open, you step out into a world that hasn't quite awoken
The sleepy light of dawn to warm you, the morning dew cool on bare feet
I dream of walking in the Earth's gentle arms
Before she stretches off her sleep
In this quiet sort of patience, the world seems so at peace

I am 22 years old with 23 snatching at my ankles
And I have fought for every scrap of independence I can get my hands on
I retire to my bed at night, in a new home but still not my own
Sweating out the heat and trying to be grateful for where I am
But the screaming piece of starlight that still lives in my chest always weeps
Where is my kingdom?
Where is my castle?

I am heavy with the sopping weight of dead dreams
I am wet with the blood of my childhood
I am on a warpath through this emptiness
I swear to god I’ll feel alive again

I'm so tired
I don't have pretty words for this
No poetic way to say
I wish you'd tell me to *******
If that's what you're feeling
Tell me if you don't care
If I am a pest to you
Because I can't stand not understanding
But I will continue to give my whole heart to you
Until you refuse it
I don't know how to love you any other way

Keep busy, keep busy
If you don't run fast enough your thoughts will catch up
So you can never, ever stop moving or you'll drown
Like a shark

i. i can survive on my own. i will be happier on my own, because no one will have the power to hurt me. my chest will finally stop hurting. i'll finally be able to breathe.

ii. i can and will stop giving special meaning to words by naming people after them. the sky is just the sky, not their eyes when they smile. dreams are simply what you think when you're asleep.

iii. i will one day hear music without thinking of you. i can make myself forget, given time.

iv. i don't remember the way the sun shone on your eyelashes. i only ever thought of you as a friend.

v. i'll be okay.

I can't help but still feel unlovable at my whole,
At 100% of myself
I am an overdose

I exist
With you and for you and beside you
Call and response, comfort and performance
I exist as your lover, I exist on your arm, I hide behind you
I am in your messages and behind your screen, in your passenger’s seat, on your mom’s couch, in your bedroom
“I exist, I am.”
I try to end it there, say it like a full sentence.
I exist, I am,
In my art, in my thoughts, in my wholeness.
I am not an accessory, a conversation, for entertainment value,
I can and do and am allowed to exist outside of you.
I exist, I am, and I may be.
There is no guilt in this.

I do not want this play to be a tragedy
But I'm afraid that may be all that's left for you and me
I wish we could put this puzzle back together
Like we're not missing any pieces
But there's a hole, so much space between us
I wish I wasn't miles away, maybe it would be easier
Because I want to run my hands through your hair and press our foreheads together
But I'll cover my mouth, now I've said too much
Shown too much of my heart
And I think that's dangerous
This play, afterall, is a tragedy.

Press against your stomach until you feel nauseous
As if you could cave in
You want to cave in
Crash down around yourself
Melt away
Leave only the frame
So you barely cast a shadow

men in my family age into monsters
with calloused hands, callous words, and cold shoulders
sometimes i can feel my lungs cloud with the smoke i've been fed from birth
and i just want to let it fill me
i've been keeping carefully in a cage for so long
but sometimes i wish the scream would tear me up
roughen up my polished parts and spit my senses
let me be angry without tears, without guilt
my teeth are too sharp in my mouth, my head is too heavy
let me tear it all to pieces and ruin me
i have tried so hard not to be another monster but god sometimes i want to be
stupid, sick, and angry
if i am made of thorns and silver then let me be sharp and deadly
i am a fire by nature and warm by choice
but hell, do i want to devour
and hell do i want to become

a vicious desire
i want to be so fragile you could knock me over with a touch
isn't that what beauty is?
maybe if you peeled my tired, withering body off the floor
i could be worthy of your love
half rotting and collapsed in your arms
i could finally be beautiful when my ******* and thumb touch
wrap my arms around my stomach and beg the sky to fall so i don't have to do this anymore
and something laughs in my head, says i can't even get this right
if you can't even see i'm sick it doesn't count, right?
so this doesn't count

i came into this world kicking and screaming,
but ever since then i've been dreaming.
i think i'd rather keep my eyes closed.
i think i'd rather sink right down into the earth.
it's actually rather comfortable in the dirt.
i feel at home laying in a field,
somewhere where the world feels real
and things make sense
and things are quiet.
i can listen to the birds and rest a while.
it's so hard to get any rest out here,
the lights are too bright and my blood roars in my ears.
i want to go back home where we all came from,
find an open field somewhere
and maybe i'll rot and maybe i'll starve but by god i'll be happy,
i'll be free,
and maybe somewhere out there i'll find me.
i think i'm lost in all the sound, i think i get lost in translation
i think the world is just too loud and we're so caught up in ourselves we forget to breathe
i feel like i've forgotten how to breathe
i want to find a place where i can breathe

pale and shuddering hands
that trace over you like a whisper
bluebird veins in paper skin
a beauty so delicate you could crumble it in your hands
how people love what they can break

i am no flower, i apologize
the materials of my making are thicker but i promise you they are still so soft
surrounding
i envelope you in a warmth that means love
and could you love me
if i don't fall apart beneath you?
could you love me
if i do not dissolve?
can i still be beautiful?
can i be beautiful? can i be beautiful?