i remember thinking you were beautiful
(you have always been)

i was so in love with you back then

(and sometimes the memories are tinted with questions)

you gave me a soft white jacket and i wore it every day so i wouldn't feel alone

when you broke me i threw that necklace into the street by our corner and i regret it to this day

i think i'd still wear it if i still had it

i'm terrified of forgetting and i'm terrified of letting go because i'm terrified that this will always have been the best time of my life
and i don't want to lose it
and i don't want to lose you

i think i'll always love you a little bit

i think my life would be much better if you were still a part of it

i still daydream
about running away
and having adventures
and never growing up

I love you
But I guess it doesn't count

Your pretty gray eyes look sad and you say
"I guess I just want someone to love me back."
My laugh sounds sour, an odd rumble tearing into a half-hearted roar, not in tune with what laughter should be
Because I love you-
And I have loved you-
And I will tell you-
And I have told you-
Over and over.
I have years of smudged, tear stained writing,
Whispers
All in metaphors:
"I just want someone to love me back."
We'll continue this interpretive dance,
Catching and dropping one another
From higher and higher cliffs.
One day we'll die or fly.

I always knew it would end up this way
But I guess I hoped I was wrong
A foolish child with stars in their eyes
Cursed to see the future

i look at you and you are everything
and i wish i were more, more, better
i wish i were some beautiful boy you'd pull into bed
and one you'd stay cuddled up to until morning
i wish i were everything
everything you could ever want or need
i wish this were a love story
i wish i were even lovable
i look at you and you are everything
and i cannot contain the flood of emotion
you fill me with joy and regret and pain all at once
i close the car door and hope you don't notice my crying as i head home
because my love, you are everything
and i'm a spec of dust

You can sit
On the other side of that screen
And pretend you know me
And pretend you could save me
But baby
You don't even know my last name

Catastrophism
It's the little things you say, not to to me but to the wind
It's the way you don't say much to me at all
I am a screaming alarm
Flashing lights and frightening myself
If my voice sounds mechanical enough when it says i am cursed, unlovable, easily abandoned
I will forget it's my own and I will listen to it
I will take the words to heart and the voice will begin to sound like yours
I will fill in the silence
I will search for something, anything to prove the voice wrong
"I'm afraid I'm losing you and I don't know what I did"
"I should have held you closer but I'm afraid of my own strength and now it's too late"
I don't have the words to say what I need to say so in the end I say
"Hey, are we like, okay?"