Confrontation never was my strong suit.
Telling you what you already knew.
For years, now its become clear

I will not look back this time.
I am aloud to do that.

I feel so alone.
I thought loneliness and I were well acquainted.
We've even shared secret handshakes.
Growing older i've become even more desolate.
That's my fault.
Isolated in my head.
separation
                   from
self
don't want her back.
Looking for a new Alyssa
one who doesn't smoke so much
one who doesn't seek comfort from others.
One who is fundamentally happy.
the
Unattainable.

losing you has been
difficult.
Your now on your way to become ash
Then into a bottle Ill keep on my
shelf along with the others i've lost.
The others we both loved.
If there is a heaven I sure hope your there, and i
hope all your pain is gone and you enjoy the sunshine on your skin.
I hope your helping all of us out that need help.
Like me.
I'm retracing my same o'l steps, I don't mind the detour this time.
i

Tears collect in my eyes
As i spoke my sorrow
This pain goes deep
i cant explain it
Its this constant ache
In my soul, if those are real
If forgiveness worked id do it.
Acceptance : moving forward
From this mess my only salvation

Looking for the correct path to take.
back and forth my head swivels.
Dizzy with possibility.
I'm capable of building myself up
I'm also quite talented at self destruction
The art of mutilation
tired from over working myself
fatigue has
become me.
or
most of me at least.
constantly shaking and quivering form lack of nutrition
Lack of sleep
to many cigarettes
Too much poison.
I guess.

I quit my job because the pay made me fell
worthless.
You just got back  into town and
im already so hi in the beautiful sky
you couldn't find me even if you tired.
your baby is almost due and i feel like your
brand new
a defined woman who would chose rather to not let my
toxicity ruin your dream of family maybe im cutting myself off too soon
because i know its for the best and
i love you so much my dearest friend.

I long for affection from my peers
But this fortress I've built prevents me from getting close
because of this I'm the loneliest person i know
melancholy still envelops me every second
parts of me fight to step out of my fortress
but the pain of the ones I've loved the most
holds me instead

Id like to say I'm over it
Its nothing but a distant memory but id be lying
I think about it everyday
it replays like a broken projector I'm forced to watch
Strapped down to these theatre seats
My tears staining my face forever

I ache for their touch to be held close
to feel that warmness only another body can provide
Neurotic might as well be my first name
You can tell just by looking at me
                 I'm crawling in my skin                                                    
I will not let you in ever again
  maybe that's the saddest part
I cant forgive you
                    not any of you.
I might have created this façade that I am whole again but
I'm the best actress in this tragedy
its almost comical how I've attempted to sweep everything under the rug
Part of me demands justice
     the other just wants silence to all of these repetitive thoughts
Anguish devours me constantly but
   disassociation is my game
I'm not sure how long i can play
My patients is wearing thin
no longer wanting to deal with this because there is NO solution but to forget
to forget is impossible
  So I remain incredibly alone.

Looking for a way out of
this    
hell
There is an exit and I'm running towards is
full    
Speed
I will taste
Freedom

I taste sunlight today.
I enjoy every drip
for i know its fleeting
just like our breathing.

You smile at me
suddenly the Void
is
gone.

just 30 minuets ago
a set of needles dug their way
across
my canvas skin
inking into it
a  
beautiful scar.
Slicing my skin until I see beauty
This is where i find my solace
This is where i bow my head and embrace the most sincere form of mutilation .
already gone the echo still lingers.
I'm still hungry.
I need more stimulation to feel alive to today.

He molested me
                       But taught me about the Romans
As if  to give me the tools to survive it
                      Father, I am a rock
                      Made of stone
                      Cold and unfeeling
                      I finch from affection
Is this the direction?
Is this how you prepared me for the world .
                  Pulling my pig tails too tight you remind me that the world wouldn't be this nice .
     I expect the worst at every turn.
         Ice blue eyes haunt my nightmares and offer false promise
         He molested me but
  He taught me about the Romans
  Accepting death
  Accepting pain as an after thought of being human standing as a solider
                                         Standing tall and brave
   Accepting everything as a lesson
  You only can control how you react: How I retract
              Reject
              Reject
              Reject
   Loving everyone more than I love myself.
              Give
              Give
              Give
     If my capacity for love were a pie
        Id have given every slice to someone else
                        Meeting my gaze in the mirror
    Eyes glazing over
            Nothing left for self.