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Alyssa Baugh Oct 2020
I long for affection from my peers
But this fortress I've built prevents me from getting close
because of this I'm the loneliest person i know
melancholy still envelops me every second
parts of me fight to step out of my fortress
but the pain of the ones I've loved the most
holds me instead

Id like to say I'm over it
Its nothing but a distant memory but id be lying
I think about it everyday
it replays like a broken projector I'm forced to watch
Strapped down to these theatre seats
My tears staining my face forever

I ache for their touch to be held close
to feel that warmness only another body can provide
Neurotic might as well be my first name
You can tell just by looking at me
                 I'm crawling in my skin                                                    
I will not let you in ever again
  maybe that's the saddest part
I cant forgive you
                    not any of you.
I might have created this façade that I am whole again but
I'm the best actress in this tragedy
its almost comical how I've attempted to sweep everything under the rug
Part of me demands justice
     the other just wants silence to all of these repetitive thoughts
Anguish devours me constantly but
   disassociation is my game
I'm not sure how long i can play
My patients is wearing thin
no longer wanting to deal with this because there is NO solution but to forget
to forget is impossible
  So I remain incredibly alone.
Alyssa Baugh Jun 2020
Lately i've been reminiscing of the past
how it went by so fast
i'm reminded nothing lasts
Everything is in constant change
yet we are constantly wanting to turn the page

Lately i've been thinking
on how im always alone
days
       weeks
               years
a l o n e
I don't even really notice
I couldn't tell you on what i focused on to pass the time
How i"ve wasted my seconds

Now actually trying to feel my existence is
horrifically overwhelming
feeling my soul crack beneath the waves of melancholy
everything's
                  b l u e
Alyssa Baugh Nov 2018
I quit my job because the pay made me fell
worthless.
You just got back  into town and
im already so hi in the beautiful sky
you couldn't find me even if you tired.
your baby is almost due and i feel like your
brand new
a defined woman who would chose rather to not let my
toxicity ruin your dream of family maybe im cutting myself off too soon
because i know its for the best and
i love you so much my dearest friend.
Alyssa Baugh Nov 2018
wanting to write
but tired of singing the same
                                   desolate
tune.
Im always experiencing impending doom
It gathers in , spills in the room
until all i can feel is panic
the Iceland of my chest is becoming
to thick each breath I take is labored
and im just so tired all
                 the
                     time.
Alyssa Baugh Nov 2018
Looking for the correct path to take.
back and forth my head swivels.
Dizzy with possibility.
I'm capable of building myself up
I'm also quite talented at self destruction
The art of mutilation
tired from over working myself
fatigue has
become me.
or
most of me at least.
constantly shaking and quivering form lack of nutrition
Lack of sleep
to many cigarettes
Too much poison.
I guess.
  Oct 2018 Alyssa Baugh
Emily Dickinson
361

What I can do—I will—
Though it be little as a Daffodil—
That I cannot—must be
Unknown to possibility—
  Oct 2018 Alyssa Baugh
Emily Dickinson
1233

Had I not seen the Sun
I could have borne the shade
But Light a newer Wilderness
My Wilderness has made—
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