How do you talk about something that you wish
Every
Single
*******
Day
Never happened?
How do you tell people to stop the jokes
They aren't funny to you
They hurt
They terrify you
They make you see
Feel
Hear
Things in your dreams.
How do you stop feeling guilty
Even when the man who loves you tells you
It isn't your fault.
But you let it happen.
You are stronger than that
Better than that
Yeah, no scares are left behind
At least none that people can see
Because you hide them behind a smile
With a shrug and a laugh
Cause that will make it all go away right?
It never happened.
Because you can barely remember it.
Not until he flips you over to try something new
And then you can't breathe.
You want to be dead
Because the last boy would did this
Took a piece of you
Stole a piece of you
******* ***** you.

I can't.

Life is full of
**** we don't know
****** up nonsense we can't understand
People who fall away
Pieces of puzzles that don't fit
Why do we try?

We live for the moments
Hope for the best
Pray to a god that may not be there
Who the **** knows?
Maybe we will make it
If we try hard enough
Love enough
Are the best 'us' we can be

But ****.

I am scared.

I feel frozen
A statue stuck in the ground
But the ground is this floor
The one where we lay together
Watching movies
Gazing at each other in love
I can't seem to move without you around
Even though it is just a few days
I am stuck.
Glued down
Something I fear you will never be.

My bed smells like you.
I smell like you.
I want this all the time.
I need this.

I can't sleep.
I need you here.
Be here with me
All the time
Please

I feel lost without you
Even though you aren't mine
Was never mine
May never be mine.

I want you.
I need you.
Please?

I close my eyes
And I just can't seem to

Fall

Asleep.
Because no one is there to

Catch me

To hold me
When the nightmares wake me

Shake me

Awake.
So I don't close my eyes.
I would rather be awake
That way I can stop

Falling

Into the fear,
The nightmares,
The dream that don't come true...

Hey!
So... I have a few complaints..
Let's start with the fact that you ****.
You get my hopes up
You make me promises
And then you fail me.
I am sad
So very sad
I cry
Well in my heart I cry
You don't deserve my tears.

I want you to deserve my tears...
Please just please want me
And the more wine I drink
The more I think
I want you
Please just be mine....

you make me sad.
you make me sad.
you make me sad
all of you make me ******* sad.
I will drink another glass
finish off the bottle
I am still ******* sad.
I wish I could just cry
Cry it all away
but i will just wash down the feelings
and wash away the pain
the sadness
all the feelings
become a stone
and drink some more
drink away the sad
and maybe.
just maybe
one day maybe
just maybe
i will probably
most likely
never ever
be ok

Want me please.
I wish you needed me
Like I need you.
My soul hurts
When I think of your name
I ache to feel whole
Yearn to be loved

By you.

Maybe I should give it up.

I want you
But you don't seem to want me.
I wish you would finally see
You and me
We are meant to be.
Meow and Moo
I know you feel it too.

But maybe I should give it up.

You make me promises
You shoot my hopes up to the moon
I feel all these feelings
And I think you may too.

Maybe I should give up though

I need more than ifs
You keep making no sense
Each day is a mystery
I miss you, Meow.

Maybe I should give up

Why can't you be the man
I know that you want to be
Rescue me like you said you would
Love me...please?

I think it is time I give up

I need you.
I want you.
I love you.
But in the end
I am not so sure
That you love me.

What is sleep?
Where can I find some?
Is it expensive?
Do I need a membership?
Can anybody help me out here...?

Maybe the reason
I dart across traffic
Is because I like to tempt fate.
I like to take the chance
Dare someone
To do what I fear.
Maybe the reason
I dart across traffic
Is because I really
Just really
Don't care.
Maybe the reason
I dart across traffic
Is because I know
That in the end
It will all be ok
And my only outlet
If the fear of almost
Just almost
Being hit. Being hurt.
Because a car would hurt worse
Than standing here with you any longer.

I woke up today with a hopeful heart.
I thought maybe you might remember
Think back to a time
In the not so distant past
When I meant the world to you.
Back to a time when I was important
When you had said you'd do anything
Spend your last dime
To bring me closer to you.
But now I don't seem to matter
I am just another girl
Someone to tease
Someone whose heart you get to toy with
And maybe one day I will realize
I deserve more
I should know better
But for now
Some days
I just want to remember.

I want the words
Etched into my skin
In hopes that maybe one day
I can feel that way again.
Feel how it felt
To not have a care in the world
To not know how it feels
To have no one to hold.
You gave me a purpose
To wake up each and everyday
You made me feel perfect
...I wanted to stay.
But then it would be a lie
What we really had together
Because it wasn't perfect
But at least we had each other...

Can't be broken

What a funny thought?
Last I checked I was made of glass
And you, your lack of words, your lack of actions
Broke me. Shattered me. Scattered me.

Maybe, just maybe, I may be able
To pick up the pieces of my broken heart
And fix it like you helped me do once.
Problem is I don't know where to start...
How can I be fixed
When my problem is I love too much?
Love too hard. Love too soon.
Can't be broken.
Maybe one day it will be true...

I miss what we had
What I thought we had.
I miss going out and being carefree.
I miss you being excited to see me.
I miss the secret kisses,
The late nights hiding out
Holding each other close
Being far away from the world.

I lay here
Wide awake
Like I slept all day
Which I did
Knowing I can't be upset
I knew this would happen
Who am I kidding
I knew it would end the same
The same ****** way
That makes me want to cry
Run and hide in a deep dark whole
Far away from this bed
Where promises were made
Where I thought I was close
But I guess I lied
Said it to make you feel good
Once again shouldering the pain

So now I lay here.
Wide awake
Unsatisfied and confused
Trying to decide who to blame
My over thinking mind
Or wonderful perfect you.

I lay here
Wide awake
Like I slept all day
Which I did
Knowing I can't be upset
I knew this would happen
Who am I kidding
I knew it would end the same
The same ****** way
That makes me want to cry
Run and hide in a deep dark whole
Far away from this bed
Where promises were made
Where I thought I was close
But I guess I lied
Said it to make you feel good
Once again shouldering the pain

So now I lay here.
Wide awake
Unsatisfied and confused
Trying to decide who to blame
My over thinking mind
Or wonderful perfect you.

I'm scared.
I'm scared for you
And I'm scared for me.
All this fear
Is redundant, it seems;
But how am I
Supposed to express
The senseless emotions
Floating around in my mind
Hovering there
Wanting to be free
Of the trap I put them in.
I am scared.

It's the voice only I can hear
The one that calls and screams
So many horrible things
Over taking my logic and reason.
It tells me to stop...
Seducing me into submission
It tells me to stop...
To just quit now
There are no reasons to continue
No reasons to continue
No reasons to try.
I have nothing.

This voice lies to me
Telling me I am worthless and unloved
The voice tells me to stop...
So I do.
Just for a second.
I quit.
I test it
Wonder how bad it could really be
To just stop...
To simply give in
And to never again
Breathe.

I lay awake
Wishing
Hoping
Maybe I'll find the answers.
Maybe I can come to a conclusion,
Sort out the feelings,
Know what to do.
I lay wide awake
Hours past when I should have fallen
Fallen into a deep peaceful sleep
The kind you do after a bedtime story.
Instead I lie here thinking
This isn't right
None of this feels right
I've lost myself
When will I return?
How can I choose?
Will I even get to?
I feel lost.
I feel like I'm losing you.
I will be left standing
Waiting and wishing
I never walked away
You ran back inside
I ran into your arms
I never left the soft, safe blankets
I know as your arms.
Wishing and hoping I will know
This will work out
We will be in love forever.
Or you will move on--
Hate me even--
Because I know I will be here forever
Waiting, wishing
Lying awake too late into the morning
Waiting for you.

There is this other world
This world where I feel I belong
This world where everything is right
And I can do no wrong.
Where no one gets hurt
By the choices I make
And I know what to do
And know exactly what’s at stake.
I don’t know what to do
Because I don’t really know you
But I do.
That’s where it’s crazy.
I know you after such a short time
I know you like I know myself.
I understand why you are you
Why you do the things you do
I know you. I love you.
In this other world we get to be together
No one gets hurt
We are just together.
We are simply us.
We are perfect you see?
But why can’t it just be?
Why is it not simple?
Why is it so hard to make these choices?
And why doesn’t this feel wrong?
It’s supposed to. Right?
We aren’t supposed to work.
I’m supposed to be with her.
I’m supposed to be in love
And I am. I am with her and in love.
But I love you…too.
And in this other world
We get to be together.
No questions asked.
Just us.
Together.

We are fine.
Yes we are ****** up
Insecure
Neurotic
And emotional;
But, we are fine.
I am because I love you.
I am because I found someone
Someone who has this beautiful smile,
These soulful eyes,
Who makes me feel alive.
I am fine because I know—
Deep down in my soul—
That I will always have this
Kind
Sweet
Loving
Incredible
Man in my life.
No matter what.
That makes me fine.
And you should know
I will always love you
In this very special way
One I can’t begin to explain.
I will always care
Always be here
For wonderful, beautiful you.
So, yes. We can be
****** up
Insecure
Neurotic
And emotional
And cupid may be a *******
But I know we will be fine.

You reach your arms around me
And pull me ever so close.
We couldn't be closer;
I couldn't feel safer.
Here, in your arms,
Nothing else matters.
We are together.
You make me feel...
Beautiful;
Something I have never felt before.

I have nothing to write,
Nothing to say.
So I guess I'll just go
And be on my way.
I'll get on with my day
And leave this place
With nothing changed...
I guess that's the case.

You grab my hand,
Pull me towards the bed,
Kissing me gently
So I feel your love
In each and every kiss.
You slowly kiss my neck
Making your way to my ear
And whisper
"I want to make love to you."
But you always do.
I always feel your love.
I yearn for your touch,
For the taste of your skin,
Just you.
I want you; I need you.
I love you.
You love me.
I feel that in the way
You pull gently at my hips
In the way you look into my eyes
As we enter this sweet, silent world
Where only we exist,
Only we matter,
Only us,
Together
Perfectly.

Don't let this sweet face fool you;
Try not to get lost in these green eyes.
I am tougher than I look
I have more scars than you can see
And I don't plan to ever let you see
A single fault in me.

I'm bored.
Maybe I can pull out a poem
From the thick,
Humid air of this room.
A room that is not mine
It is shared
And I feel like I have a tiny corner
That still is over powered.
I am just an intruder.
I wonder when I will stop
Being in someone else's home
And have my own
Where I can put what I want on the walls
I can put the dishes in the cupboards
The way I want.
A home that is mine
That no one can take away from me.

It's strange that one word


Negative


Can mean so much.

But I guess I don't feel
How I am supposed to feel
About the outcome.
Yes I am young
Yes we are not ready
But I was almost


Hopeful


Almost disappointed when I heard her say
"Well, it was completely negative."
There was a small part of me
That wanted the outcome to be


Positive


Even though I know you aren't ready
Don't want this now
I kind of did.
Kind of do.
Maybe it's the lack of love I feel
Maybe part of me thinks I will feel complete
Knowing I would do it different
Than those who raised me.
I know I would.
I would love it with all I have
And way more.
BUT one day we will be


Ready


And it will be our choice
And we will love it with all we have
And so much more.
Then I feel that I will finally feel


Complete.

I realized today
When you decided to look up crap
And not cuddle next to me
You don't love me.
But you tell me you do.
You remind me you care.
You hold me when I cry
You are always there...
But why won't you lay with me
After you make passionate love to me.
Maybe I am crazy,
I probably am,
But it feels like you don't want me;
That I ****** up.
All the past voices come back
Haunting my thoughts
Telling me lies
Like that you hate me
You don't want me.
But all it really is
Is that you are confident enough
Sure enough
That I know you still love me
Even when you don't cuddle afterwards.


Maybe I know fiction better than I thought.

The thing is...
I have a hard time writing fiction.
I write what I know
Which is non-fiction,
Simply facts.
I was told at too young of an age
That fiction wasn't real.
I was never allowed to believe
Never allowed to imagine
So that stuck me in reality
Leaving me to write what I know
See what only is real
Never to dream.

It's that hungry look in your eyes
The one that is almost scary
I ask myself what are you going to do to me
Then I realize as the world shuts down around us
You could never do me any harm.

You strip me down
And stare
You examine all that I am
Seeing all of you
And you want me.

And holy **** I want you too
I want all of you
Wrapped around me
Inside me
I want to be yours.

I am yours
And you are mine
This ring on my hand reminds me so
I am yours
And you are mine.

Sometimes you move with such swiftness
Such passion it could be mistaken
As pure lust
No love included.
But I feel that love.

I know the love is there
I feel it deep down in my soul
With every fiber of my being
I love it
I love you.

Your body gently
Gracefully
Caresses mine.
You make my heart beat faster
Keep me wanting more
By the way you run your hands
Ever so softly down my body.
The sweet gently touch of your fingertips
Make my body scream out for you.

I NEED you.
NOW.
I want you
I have to have you.
Thank god I do.

I love you and you love me
That's what makes this special.
This connection
The deep soul-fulfilling connection
That makes me come alive
Each and every time
You touch me.

I fear we are falling apart
That I have become boring to you
Used, known, unexciting.
That scares me.
You know my body
I love that
You are just beginning to understand
My complex mind though.
I want you to stay
I want to keep you captivated.
But I am afraid I do not know how.