I lay here
Wide awake
Like I slept all day
Which I did
Knowing I can't be upset
I knew this would happen
Who am I kidding
I knew it would end the same
The same ****** way
That makes me want to cry
Run and hide in a deep dark whole
Far away from this bed
Where promises were made
Where I thought I was close
But I guess I lied
Said it to make you feel good
Once again shouldering the pain

So now I lay here.
Wide awake
Unsatisfied and confused
Trying to decide who to blame
My over thinking mind
Or wonderful perfect you.

I lay here
Wide awake
Like I slept all day
Which I did
Knowing I can't be upset
I knew this would happen
Who am I kidding
I knew it would end the same
The same ****** way
That makes me want to cry
Run and hide in a deep dark whole
Far away from this bed
Where promises were made
Where I thought I was close
But I guess I lied
Said it to make you feel good
Once again shouldering the pain

So now I lay here.
Wide awake
Unsatisfied and confused
Trying to decide who to blame
My over thinking mind
Or wonderful perfect you.

I'm scared.
I'm scared for you
And I'm scared for me.
All this fear
Is redundant, it seems;
But how am I
Supposed to express
The senseless emotions
Floating around in my mind
Hovering there
Wanting to be free
Of the trap I put them in.
I am scared.

It's the voice only I can hear
The one that calls and screams
So many horrible things
Over taking my logic and reason.
It tells me to stop...
Seducing me into submission
It tells me to stop...
To just quit now
There are no reasons to continue
No reasons to continue
No reasons to try.
I have nothing.

This voice lies to me
Telling me I am worthless and unloved
The voice tells me to stop...
So I do.
Just for a second.
I quit.
I test it
Wonder how bad it could really be
To just stop...
To simply give in
And to never again
Breathe.

I lay awake
Wishing
Hoping
Maybe I'll find the answers.
Maybe I can come to a conclusion,
Sort out the feelings,
Know what to do.
I lay wide awake
Hours past when I should have fallen
Fallen into a deep peaceful sleep
The kind you do after a bedtime story.
Instead I lie here thinking
This isn't right
None of this feels right
I've lost myself
When will I return?
How can I choose?
Will I even get to?
I feel lost.
I feel like I'm losing you.
I will be left standing
Waiting and wishing
I never walked away
You ran back inside
I ran into your arms
I never left the soft, safe blankets
I know as your arms.
Wishing and hoping I will know
This will work out
We will be in love forever.
Or you will move on--
Hate me even--
Because I know I will be here forever
Waiting, wishing
Lying awake too late into the morning
Waiting for you.

There is this other world
This world where I feel I belong
This world where everything is right
And I can do no wrong.
Where no one gets hurt
By the choices I make
And I know what to do
And know exactly what’s at stake.
I don’t know what to do
Because I don’t really know you
But I do.
That’s where it’s crazy.
I know you after such a short time
I know you like I know myself.
I understand why you are you
Why you do the things you do
I know you. I love you.
In this other world we get to be together
No one gets hurt
We are just together.
We are simply us.
We are perfect you see?
But why can’t it just be?
Why is it not simple?
Why is it so hard to make these choices?
And why doesn’t this feel wrong?
It’s supposed to. Right?
We aren’t supposed to work.
I’m supposed to be with her.
I’m supposed to be in love
And I am. I am with her and in love.
But I love you…too.
And in this other world
We get to be together.
No questions asked.
Just us.
Together.

We are fine.
Yes we are ****** up
Insecure
Neurotic
And emotional;
But, we are fine.
I am because I love you.
I am because I found someone
Someone who has this beautiful smile,
These soulful eyes,
Who makes me feel alive.
I am fine because I know—
Deep down in my soul—
That I will always have this
Kind
Sweet
Loving
Incredible
Man in my life.
No matter what.
That makes me fine.
And you should know
I will always love you
In this very special way
One I can’t begin to explain.
I will always care
Always be here
For wonderful, beautiful you.
So, yes. We can be
****** up
Insecure
Neurotic
And emotional
And cupid may be a *******
But I know we will be fine.