I used to be someone great.
I looked up to me.
And you did.
As a man preaches the word to me,
I look past him.
He sees the deep pools of sorrow in me.
He reads me so fine and well,
but what does he know?

I used to be someone with out fear.
Now I'm scared to even remember me.
I had friends around me.
Now their motionless bodies run cold.

I used to be someone who lived a thousand times,
but you would never know by my smile.
A smile that takes an eternity to surface.
So I wait for another life to be someone.
Someone great again.

One a day,
Keeps the blues at bay.
Write on a stormy day.
Brainstorm if you will.
Start where you left off.
Come back to it.
Use it for a rainy day,
Let that be today.
Sleep on it.
Don't force it,
Put a stamp on it,
Don't post it, just write.
Let it be. Unfinished.
Untitled.
Undecided.
Erase, blow, sweep. Repeat.
Revise it.
Make a prize of it.
Let out a whimper and be loud.
Know where you're going.
Say it in ink.
Let your fingers guide you.
And be ready ,
For tomorrow .

My favorite quote by Marianne Williamson

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

In this extreme heat,
I am suspect of people,
who wear leather coats.

Look at me when you speak
Even when voices shutter
Its a love language that I seek
Let me talk to your pain
awaken the monster
only to set it free
free of its chain.

Say my name when you stare at me
Let love reunite us
with a glare of your iris
say my name again Cyrus
Gaze at me through provocative eyes
No lies
Just you and I
No color
Just be blind
Forget loopholes
Just you and your pupils
No disguise
Just real eyes.

Thoughts of him haunt me,
in my sleep,
infecting my dreams.
His entity hovers over me,
while fondling my secret places.

Unrecognizable features
become familiar to me,
but I can't see him.
The cloud is too thick,
and there is smoke every where.

I know it's him.
His smell pierces my nose,
like ammonia.
Wet lips are moving in front of me,
but I can't hear a sound.

Almost a nightmare,
my body is trying to wake up,
but I'm frozen.
There is something holding me down,
and there is no end in sight.

When I finally come to,
I vow never to close my eyes.
Jaded by R.E.M.
1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8
9, 10 never sleep again.

There is no one here,
just you,
and me,
and these heels.

Saturated in liquor,
my inhibitions left me alone,
with a pounding heart,
but I only have this night.
I'm tipsy,
and dripping in front of your room door.
It's 2 a.m. and I couldn't care that you're in slumber.


I climb in your bed
slowly straddling you,
you wake to the scent of my skin.
My hips move around,
to make sure you arouse,
pretending you were already in.
Fully aware,you give me that stare,
as if to ask what I'm doing.
By then it's too late,
my strength is too great,
I've pinned you down,
so you can't move.

With little to undress,
I remove what's left of you,
your nerves begging me to stop.
This is what I want.
Even if you don't,
your body disagrees.
I move my way back up,
getting a taste of the preview.
Swallowing your body
into my mouth,
where my lips begin to play head games.
I know how much you hate "head games",
so I become more vigorous,
making you jump for me.
Staring at your perfect pair,
I lick, ****, massage and repeat.

By then, I'm soaked
ready to choke you
with the most wet set of lips you can imagine.
I grab your shaft and rub your head
on the tiniest hole you could fathom.
Your lips said "don't"!
But I knew better.
Inch by inch,
wetter and wetter.
You tried not to scream,
or even to like it.
Finally so deep,
my kiss touches yours,
only to heighten the moment.
I've already *** twice,
what a treat for me.
My naked flesh hanging down
over your mouth,
you wish for a taste with your tongue.
I give you just a little,
you're getting close,
I can feel it! Almost!

And just as you're about to explode......










I abruptly climb off of you,
and leave you alone to die.

It's getting so hot on this block,
makes me want to take my stripper tips,
and make it rain on all you mother fu**ers.

Hmmm....
If I could travel back in time,

I would trek it back to Egyptian times,
and climb the Great Pyramid of Giza,
so that no woman in Egypt today
would have to suffer genital mutilation.

I would invade **** Germany
and extract the right arm from ******,
so no man would ever salute him.

I would Rome with Helen and
Zeus for fun
just to get closer to Castor Troy.

I would lay with Ambrogio
and the early vampires,
because drinking blood sounds so tempting,
but,
eternal life trumps all.

I had hoped my poetry would not read off my sleeve,
to be seen in a vulnerable light.

I prayed no one would notice my heart
had been beat,
and stomped into *****.

Too late.
It did.
They saw.
I'm doomed.
For life.
My thoughts,
in truth.
Goodnight.

I don't want someone in my world
who wishes to be perfect.
Because that means they will look to me to be perfect as well.
I refuse to carry this.
Life is already too much.
I can not be judged by them.
Who are they anyway?
I have all of these "flaws" that I embrace because it unstresses me to know.
I get to wake up everyday and be myself. The only person I've  known for all of these years.
I have tried to fake it.
I always fail, and I never fail.
So my resentment for you is alive.
And then,
I look to the corner of my wicked eye,
which forces my hand to judge.
And ****** you.
Hoping one day,
the person you were meant to be resurfaces.

I finally said the words aloud.
The taste of my breath,
before hitting the air turned cold.
"I'm over you."
The sound of my voice.
A deep crescendo,
with a side of gratification
made my senses explode.

The four chambers of my heart,
working for each other again,
pumps a rich warm blood back into my veins.

My color takes the shape of florescent hues,
only to bring me back to where I'm from,
a golden brown with caramel tones.

The pattern of my fingertips,
longing to be touched again,
but,
with different hands.

Everything smells so glorious now,
my lungs are singing their praises,
for oxygen is my friend again.

And black only infiltrates my being,
on days of mourning,
because time's breath has healed me.

I seem to only live in seconds.
Second child bearing.
Dining in
second plates,
Wearing second hand garb.
Wait a second bus!
My clocks second hand too slow.
Third child born,
living second child syndrome.
The first of my kind,
still only second best.
And for the record, I second that!
I seem to only live in seconds.
Rise in fog and clouds,
and a split second rain.
Or let me think for a second.
Could be second hand smoke.
And when the time comes,
to end that very small space in time,
I'll be ready.
In a second.

I look good in this mirror, look closer
It's only because nothing is lit up.
Background black.
Forbidding those to see beneath my scaley skin.
My eyes were meant to be gazed upon,
If for too long, like Madusa said,
Man turns to stone,
But off with her head.
My voice has remnants of sweet birds in the morning,
Or like soundscapes before bed.
Just look beneath me, you'll see
Things are empty.
Nothing but a sad sad piano playing,
Tip toeing in your ear.
Be weary of me.
Stand clear.
Beware of me.

When I become tired of you, I take a nap.

Overcast today

Cloud's eyes watching me again

Rain on me, ill stay.

In hindsight,
my vision has always been unorthodox,
but, it sees true.

Through any eyes,
the bering sea will always be solitude.
A place where no man should see it's depths,
A peculiar place that intrigues me,
but is forever denied my happiness.

I only stay afloat this place,
so that the sun keeps me partially alive,
and for Pete's sake,
my lungs remember their purpose.

If I am perfect, it's only because
my short comings have drifted
underwater to an imperfect place.

Dear Solomon,

Ever since I sensed you smelled of scents,
I've been acting sick.
Not myself, not silly.
Someone else, really
It sends me in to a solitary rage.
A severe-sadistic-rage.
In need of sanctuary
In deed, if saturated with such things,
nothing but sin will grow from the seed.
Saints could fly over us,
if they so choose.
But, no saving us from our sad,sad souls.
And what we sowed, seeped out and showed.
It's floating above the stench of us in suspension.
And we bought what they sold.
Nothing salvaged.
Sadly, im so gone.
Sorry.


Sincerely,
Sasha

One can easily take that pungent taste on their tongue
and turn it into an emotion.
But it will only describe that who is you. In truth.
She is so carefully crafted, not a true wordsmith,
but with a scornful mouth indeed.
And her language cuts deep in others,
but her pain showing as volatile and misleading.
A sensation so subjective,
that it needs no signal from the brain.
Taking her is similar to a hint of arugula
and a side of unwanted dill, or the lack of water
while swallowing a pill.
The self-pitty only flies with birds.
There is no beauty in antagonistic pride.
It only furthers the alienation.
And there is no life jacket
when drowning in animosity and resentment.
Which is bittersweet in my opinion.

A very short story about Basorexia..

I think someone put a hex on me.
And not even a good one.
I usually sleep in on Sundays,
but some intense force drug me out of bed at 7 a.m.
Stupid force.
After showering, I got dressed and
had breakfast. I wasn't even exactly sure where I was going.
But, I was going.
Before leaving my apartment,
I checked my appearance one last time
to make sure I was at least a 6 that day.
I did a triple take in the mirror because
my lips were looking exceptionally grand just then.
Oddly grand.
I ran a finger over them to make sure they were mine.
Softer than usual, I giggled for having to question myself.
"Of course they're mine." "That's just silly."
After having a drawn out conversation with myself,
I knew it was time to go.
The sun was looking  glorious that day
but all I could think about were my lips.

I saw my neighbor at the mailbox.
I usually just wave, but there that force was again,
pulling my lifeless body over to see her.
Her lips started to move around as if to say something to me.
She then asked me if I wanted a kiss! Was she reading my mind?
I did not hesitate.
I leaned in, closed my eyes, and puckered my juicy
unchapped pout for some of her sweetness.
Because that's what neighbors do, they lend you sugar.
What a sorry justification that was.

Unfortunately, Mrs. Parker was offering me a Hershey's kiss.
I froze with embarrassment as she leaned back and took off
into her apartment.
She left the entire bag of kisses with me.
As I power walked away, I saw Mr. and Mrs. Parker pull their curtains back in dismay. Whispering and pointing in slow motion.

I  decided I can never go back to my apartment again.
The shame has me wondering the streets,
consumed with this undeniable force,
trading chocolates for kisses.

This song makes me feel alive.
Not happy to be.
Except it questions my purpose of being.
Whatever instrument that is,
It's strumming on my head.
Telling me to wake up and live.
I just close my eyes to get closer to his voice.
The song is for me only.
He asks "are you going to save me?"
I intend to answer him on the other side of my dream.
He's there in color with no face.
But he's out of reach.
He's only there to play this song for me.
To keep me alive.

Shatters from the glass falling off the wall.
An orphan grabs her sister and runs down the hall.
Scared but staying strong,
as the little one cried.
She remembers what was taught,
before their parents died.
Their world violently breaking,
the ground loudly quaking.
But all she hears is her mother's voice.
"Find a table,
it must be stable."
"Quickly get under,
for your life's sake,
here you'll be safe,
when the earth starts to shake."

Life changes so fast. Same person, same voice, same words, to ....different tones, different mood, different person.
And you get caught between what was and what IS.

I knew a love like the day he walked into my life.
I know a love like he only stayed one night.
I knew a love like twelve year olds passing notes.
I know a love like we can't even talk without them.
Like a "hello" from you meant the world to me.
Now it's just to let it be known you're there.
I knew a love like....I really really like you.
Like I..feel something for you.
I know a love like your eyes painted pictures in my mind.
Like wedding day pictures on ****** Island Beaches.
Like Picasso had a hand in your beauty.
I know a love like your eyes paint it differently now.
Like pictures cut in half.
Like I have no reason to smile.
I knew a love based on the heart and mind.
I know a love that can only be seen through eyes.
I knew a love like everything sounded like music. Like the sound of my phone if it ever rung.
Like my name ending with your last name was meant to be sung.
Like your words were meant to be lyrics serenading me.
Like those same lyrics fueling some silly battle.
I know a love like..."what exactly is this?"
Like I only love you.
Like ill never let you go.
I know a love like, I fell hard but you weren't there to catch me. And my heart still beats for you every day.
I know a love like you and me.
Like Mary and Jesus.
Like I adore you.
Like staring into your eyes while you look into mine and seeing  the reflections of our souls.
Like no one understands.
I know a love like fates and meant to be's.
I know a love like..."say something".
Like being in too deep.
Like trust me before it's too late.
I know a love so great that IT inspired me to write this.
I know a love like revenge and I'm going to make you feel it too.
I know a love like tossing in my sleep while the sleep you lay in is deep.
Like I invited all the seas to rest in my eyes.
Like endless rain, flooding my heart with pain.
Like life or death and the latter ceases to matter.
I know a love named you, and I hope one day that love knows me too.

I like the games we play.
And when we fight,
I love the conversation delays.
Not only for the make up ***
towards the end,
But so I can tell you I love you
again.
And all that im trying to do
is keep this thing fresh.
By charming you,
and seducing you.
Im glad I found you,
or maybe you'll tell it
like you found me.
But whatever.
I love this life.

I cried for you today,
for all the things I wanted to say.
I prayed for you tonight,
for things that may
for things that might.
I laughed at you just now.
Instead of sheep,
you counted cow.
I love you.
Goodnight.

Death is being in solitude forever.
Just you.
All this space has claimed you, there are no walls to tear down.
You will never hear another voice cry.
Or bring yourself to sing.
Because the lonliness has robbed you of a perfect pitch.
And even if you could.
There is no right word to say.
You will never leave your mark on anyone again.
The only touch you will remember is your own.
You will never smile again.
And yes, this life will age you.
What life?
Wishing you to be under 6 feet,
Waiting to be reborn.
So you can relish in beauty once again.

Enter Summer! Hi how you doin?
Nice to see you again.

But, Ummm
can you perhaps bring back
the man,
whose face was not tan,
a mysterious lad.
No two o'clock shadow
No stubble
No fuzz.
Just winter in hand
and oh my bearded man.
I miss him terribly.
Stupid solstice.

Soon,
      
         people will ask,


                  "What is a land line for"?

As I lie,
his last words ventilated my empty cadaver.
Wishing one final request from me,
from the departed.
No rose, no sweet song,
just ash engraved in stone,
carried by unwanted winds,
spoken loudly.
"Here lies a woman whom I loved so hard,
and shall not crossover 'till returning my heart."

Hear Ye, Hear Ye!

I have never been one to do things usual,
wet down and reusable
straight up delusional,
sometimes confusing all,
******* useable.

So juvenile.


Between you and me,
this girl is overly irreverent,
open book intelligent,
in need of saving reverend,
whose arrogant,
most relevant.
I'm typically benevolent.
It's evident I'm heaven sent,

REPENT!

I'm unsusceptible to rules,
except on days like April Fool's.
I'm orthodox, I kid,
you wish.
Unorthodox, reborn,Jewish

Foolish.


I have never been one to do things usual,
Chained up? Refuseable,
tied down and doable,
funked up and beautiful,
French words excusable,
the next line unsuitable.

I understand.
You're threatened by my immortality.
I get it.

I'm sorry that when I fly,
I  really ****** take off!.
So high that even the Gods favor me.

I'm sorry that I must watch you die,
as I relish in the cycle of life again.
Forgive me my love.

Forgive me for being fearless that day,
when I flew so hard,
my wings turned to flames,
ignited by the sun,
claiming my death,
laying my ashes at your feet.

Actually,
I'm not sorry,
you knew I was a Phoenix when you married me.

There is someone inside of me.
Soaking up Gin.
Basking in sin.
Believe me
it's not I that's living this life.
And i think i had a one-night-kiss.
It was glorious.
There i was sat in his car,
Listening to Nina sing about sin.
Which started at my lips.
Breathing on me, kissing my cheek,
He rubbed his lips on my chin,
and tickeled them down to my neck,
Like "what the heck".
Is he doing this foreal.
Then like a theif in the night,
never to be heard from again.

He said I always talked over him. And it annoys him. He never spoke to me like that before.
I said, "I do"?
I didn't think I was doing it, but I apologized any way.
Because that's what you do when you love someone.
But inside i was boiling with rage.
I wanted to lash out at the ANNOYING bit,
But then that would prove the very thing he's accusing me of.
Can't have that.
So I keep it inside bottled up.
I can't talk to him the same now.
Maybe my feelings were hurt.
Over the weeks i felt frozen.
Forced smiles and skipping favorite shows together.
The *** was still amazing, unfortunately
Im starting to think that's all we were good at.
All i know is something had changed.
And it hasn't been the same since.

Scared to be alone again.
Scared to be on my own.
Scared of living within.
Terrified of time wasted.
And time is scary,
Terrifying if you waste it.

Take a leap with me.
Let's spring a long way,
to greater heights.
Don't be afraid of us.
We already have this foundation beneath.
Just trust.
Why can't we dance to the tunes
of your heart strings playing?
The truth is..
I can't be without you.
I'm selfish.
I'm clumsy.
But my heart is true.
I'm unorthodox,
I'm dizzy,
And in your absence, I'm blue.
No more can we be friends,
that ship has long sailed.
Let's be lovers instead,
watch us prevail.

You're the type of person that wakes up before light,
because you refuse to be ruled by the sun.
You also secretly trust no one.
From what I can tell,
and this is just someone
from the inside looking out,
your high standards in friendships often leave you sad and alone.
It makes sense why you do not let people stand behind you.
Thus, why you are always last.
You love in a way unimaginable to man,
But yet you can not seem to commit to anyone.
I wonder if it is that you don't truly love who you are. (see real definition of unconditional)
I wonder if it's because you can not see growing old with another,
Mixed with fears of aging yourself.
I suppose you would rather die alone.
Always threatening to jump ship,
So when it sinks( and it will)
you are not on it.
I can tell in your language that you just recently started loving your body.
That happens when it's being pl̶e̶a̶s̶u̶r̶e̶d̶ treasured correctly.....to be continued

Nothing lasts,
Just ask the past.
Things fall apart,
so splashing your forever in high fashion seeks some understanding.
It's only lost minutes waisted.
Not even this brief brevity of life
can lengthen a breath.
And we shall both inhale our last goodbye.
Try holding it forever,
it's always,
it's constant,
It's morning, noon, and night.
Just ask the past,
nothing lasts.
It's a continuous permanent,
so enjoy your forever never.

I'm capable of carrying out duties.
Shutting out all considerations and existences.
Being the only one of my kind.
Releasing you from all liabilities.
In sacrificing oneself with out help,
Whoever is left after my exclusive theft is the one
ive loved and kept.
Close to my heart from the start.
Meaning, we should never be apart.
So, while attempting your endeavour,
please take my heart as your treasure.