I care, but I don't. Or maybe I don't care at all. Its the fact that you beat me to the punch. No competition in the first place, but then I fall. Down, deep. Lost in myself, lost in despair. Always dreamed of this day, so much I dreamed it away. I had buried it, much in the likeness to the sorrow that surrounded me. Covered with scars blanketing reality. The world I chose to forget. So I did this to myself. Well, I still blame you. Given the opportunity, you caved. To the best of your ability. So ready to pull the chair from beneath me; leaving me dangling, choking and blinded. Your lies were like sugar and I flocked to the source. But soon I realized the life I departed just seconds ago was still not as sweet as it was before. So now I am ready. Revealed in the sureness of this clarity, never again will I be so deceived. I say farewell to a fading memory. If I pretend it never happened it will have never happened. That is how I continue living, with this shattered heart and broken dream. This is me.

I was the child with the coral painted brown on my head.
I was his fawn. I was his lost death.
I feel this buzzing in my bones.
I think I'm dumb.
I was just as bored as him.
I was his polly. I was his kin.
I think I'm dumb.

this isn't love, I remind myself
as his fingers trace my clavicle
and follow the curve of my spine
maybe it's love's distant cousin
since it still spikes my heartbeat
minus the roses, the forehead kisses
the complications
like a strong dose of physical attraction
but when I wake up in the morning
I don't have to feel anything
the butterflies in my stomach
wither as the sun rises
their fleeting presence
makes my insides growl
I worry he'll hear as he leans in
and kisses me on the lips
before he leaves
quick and gentle
again I remind myself, this isn't love

jelly bones cracked his wrist
and wouldn't go to school in the morning.
Kept his notes in the back of his jeans,
and when he bent over
he couldn't reach.

there was a song about those notes
and he sung even though he was out of key.
partly joking, or just a tease?
she keeps her distance,
explaing how water that feels like sunburns are the best part of her day.

Oh sweet miracle, I'm not gonna lie.
I can swim any day and
Now
I think it's time to fly.  

-Some people think structure is beauty, others find that chaos is beauty just the same. Perhaps each idea that pops into our heads wont be the one we hoped it would be, but then realized expectations leave you dry.
Being here in this moment, focused on the now, it's not as easy as it could be today, but I feel the times are quickly changing.

-On time:
                 it's just so easy to make false assumptions about this notion,
                 this measurement,
                 but perhaps that's all a part of this game we call life.
                                           Let's play a game to see who gets their name
                                                    on the fridge
                                                         and a pat on the back.
"My friends. We see things so differently and yet we seem them exactly the same."

…Seven years
of ambivalent breathing
holding a dull pencil
Trying
to inscribe my feelings with
the burden of a stone slab
on my weak lap…
The sun is already high
hunger is the boogeyman and the thirst
I know
will be my vessel
to meet the boatman
Vultures feast
ravaging the gold
Leaving me within the bounds
of corroded steel and clouded skies
Drowning in waters where
society
thrives
Each wave chokes me
with the taste of their bile
I’m tired…
Home is nowhere
but in my heart
I know it’s
somewhere
within that horizon…


Mek
Dec08