i used to try and make believe you were the other half of me.

youre my sun on the cloudy days.
the chill on a springs breeze.
the flowers lining my house.
youre the beat in my favorite songs.
the birds in the early morning.
youre the beauty in the world.

i wish i coped with my anxiety in other ways.

but youre the only one that kept me together.

i will never love one the way i loved you.

now days whiskey has seemed to be my holy water.
leaving my lips slurred across your body.
my fingers trailing every self inflicted etch in your pillow skin.
my need for you coursing through my veins and digging into my bones.
my body longs for you, needs you.
i want to breath against your skin, feeling the goosebumps arise on your back.
i need you.

the flowers you have planted in my heart are slowly withering away.
i want to cling to the broken record of your voice,
and the worn out comfort of your embrace.
but as the flowers fade, so do you.
i mustn't forget you, i say.
but your flowers have turned into weeds, and i cant let them **** their way into me.
so forgive me for forgetting.
i just cant anymore

i went months with the constant dispense of my addiction for you.
and now i get to suffer the blood rotting withdrawals.  
and i know we both agreed on this, but
when i look at you i see constellations.
i see ocean waves gone rouge.
i see mighty trees and blanket thick forests.
i know we both agreed on this, but
when i hear you i get butterflies in my stomach.
i hear swigs of whiskey.
i hear a sweet southern drawl like nothing ive heard before.
i hear the hums of an electric bass amp.
i know we both agreed on this, but
i need you.
like the earth needs the moon,
like space needs the stars,
like guitars need their strings.
i need you the way you need pokemon cards.
god i just,,
dont give up on me..

you always loved card games.
slaps, war, jacks.  you name it, we played it.
but your favorite card game was called hearts.

we dealt our love, feelings, friends. we threw them all on the table.
you had me deal my heart.

and we played.

like always, since it was your favorite, you won.
taking what was dealt on the table and walking out.

i still think about this wicked game you played. and i still think about my heart. i wonder if it beats for you, i doubt it would. but sometimes in the earlier hours if the morning ill see you.

and i can feel my old heartbeat in my fingertips, slowly drifting me off to sleep. and making me think, if part of me still longs to play the game.

we may end with bittersweet dreams of what we once were.
or twisted stories of the other to tell.
but i will continue to push for us, to show my endearment in as many new ways as possible.
because i love you, my wildflower
and i have since day one.

will you be the june to my johnny cash?
the tracy to my lil peep?
the kelso to my jackie?
the freddy to my carly?
the james to my alyssa?
the percy to my annabeth?

the star to my night sky.

will you?

id risk my whole life for you if thats what you wished.
id lasso the sun if you needed a light.
id capture the stars so you can be among them.
id give you my lungs so you can breath the crisp winter air.
id give my life to you if thats what you wished.
because my darling, your wish is my command

i wish i knew you,
and that toxicly beautiful smile.
i wish i knew your voice,
engraved in the back of his head.
i wish i knew your touch,
the one he longs for.
i wish i knew your smell,
the one he fondly remembers.
i wish i knew you,
and the love you two have.

i can stare at you for hours and still wonder the same things.
how such gentle hands have held up the worlds fires.
how such loving eyes have seen the worse aray of things.
how such sensitive ears have heard the worst words around.
i wonder and wonder about you.
yet you still leave me breathless

i asked you if you would still love me as a worm.
with the most hopeful of orbs in my eyes
and the hardest patter of my heart.
i asked if youd still love me as a worm.
and you only said
"i mean i guess"
smh

i had a dream,
you were in my arms.
our songs playing in the background.
simply melodies mixed in with giggles and deep breaths.

when i woke up i sighed,
i'm tired if your side being so cold

my heart will forever have a you-shaped hole.
where only you will ever be able to fill it.