i got you a present this year,
one i’m sure you won’t receive.

it will sit beneath the tree, wrapped up pretty with your name scribbled in your favorite brand of pen,
waiting.
it will wait until you’re ready.
until you’re able.

maybe it’ll wait until we forget eachother, and it will slowly fade away.

maybe it won’t wait much time at all.

but for now, it sits underneath falling pines,
untouched.

i heard someone with your laugh today.
it made me feel like you were still alive

just the very though of you
has my legs spread
like an easel with a canvas
begging for art

im searching for you
in the clouds
in the streets
in the breeze.
searching for a hand,
a laugh,
a whisper,
a song.
but youll only sing for her

i wish to live forever
to live in the damp earth  
to live within the hearts of the ones i love
to live within his head.
yet i will only live for a small while,
just for a small while

step 1. cry into the abyss. scream until your lungs ache and your ribs bruise. beg, plead, pray, and whimper to a god that hasnt listened to your prayers since you were a child.
step 2. stare at the ceiling while you sit in agony, wonder if this feeling will ever go away. replay every happy memory in the back of your mind until you can almost feel their touch burning your skin
step 3. fall asleep in a heap on the bathroom floor, with tears staining your skin and chills covering your entire body. its to cold to sleep there, but you wont move.
step 4. repeat the last three steps every night until you are only a shell of your former self. a hollowed out piece of flesh and bone. shine a flashlight against your chest and watch as the hole in your heart glows
step 5. finally become human after months of rotting into your own prison. do your laundry, the smell reminds you of them. hold back the tears that sting against your eyelids.
step 6. hangout with your friends, force yourself to smile. laugh out a dry heaving laugh, look at your feet when your friends look at you funny
step 7. sit on your bathroom floor and relive the past, hold your knees to your chest as you do. it feels like a hug, but its not. its only your cold arms.
step 8. go outside, watch the sunrays dance around the trees. smile, a genuine smile. god its been forever, hasnt it. soak up those rays. tell your mom about your good day
step 9. put all their clothes into a box, purge your room of any memories you had of them. dye your hair, pierce your nose, reclaim the person you lost.
step 10. laugh again and move on.

in my vision i saw it clearly
our hearts became one
my hand in yours as we fell asleep
a glow emitting from where our bodies touch

i stared into your eyes and declared my love for you
i felt my soul leap out of my throat
and my heart pound against my rib cage
i said i love you with all the air in my lungs
with all the marrow in my bones
i said it with all of me
and you said it back, with none of you

so now i stare at this navy blue prom dress,
hung up in my closet
and curse to myself
how could you be so stupid.

Something smelled like you today.
The breeze carried your smile and your laugh straight to my sinuses and clogged them in unrequited love and whispered promises spoken in dimly lit rooms.
I had to strain against the weight of your soft kisses and tight hugs that made my knees start to give way.
The warm summer air seemed to taunt me in that moment, knowing the very scent of you could make me weak.
That it could wreck the cartilage that stood fortified in my knees and held me up so highly.
Something smelled like you today,
Or maybe it was just my senses playing a trick on me.
Either way, youre whispered in the breeze. A slowly forgotten memory.

sometimes
i wish to be yours
the way you are mine

sometimes i stare at the sun,
swallow the mouthwash,
take an extra advil,
cross the street without looking,
take off my seatbeat,
walk alone at night.
but then came you,
and that all stopped.
i finally have something to live for.

so lets smoke some more, and wash away the night.
cause no matter what i do,
ill never be alright.

your memories leave me with a beautiful sadness.
a lonely comfort,
a broken promise.
yes you left, but you also left a piece of you.
thank you.

i cant keep hanging by your noose.
im tired of not being able to breath.
so go on and give your best to someone else.
they can get the best of you.
give them your all and slowly strangle them too.
im getting tired of starting again, so im done.
i refuse.

your hair is winter fire,
January embers.
my heart burns there too.

i think a part of me will always linger by your side
waiting to hold onto your hand when we cross the street
i’m scared i’ll miss you forever

i can feel my heart slowly sinking in my chest,
and the only thing i can say is
its okay

if only i could hold you while the sky slowly bleeds unto sunrise.
if only i could kiss your forehead as you softly breath into my chest.
if only i could pull you close to me in the early hours of the morning.
if only i could love you the way i want to, the way i need to.
i just wanna love you, because thats all im living for.

i have monsters in my head.
i have spiders in my lungs.
i have blood clots running through my veins.
but darling your voice.
your voice fills my head with singing angels.
you plant flowers in my lungs.
you make my veins run pure gold.
you make me okay.

butterflies in my head
my stomach
my arms
all around me.
you leave me with the fluttering feeling of their wings
their overwhelming colors
their need to be around you.
you leave me with butterflies in my tummy
flipping whenever they see you
and for some reason i cant get them to stop.
those **** butterflies

i love like a cannibal,
allowing myself to swallow people whole
encompassing them in my being.
i let them sit in the curves of my ribs and and rest their head against my lungs.
maybe i love to hard

i drank to much coffee today and now my stomach hurts.
while yes, this is a trivial matter that could have been avoided on my behalf,
i couldn’t get enough of the warmth.
of the sweetness and bitterness woven together.

maybe there was another reason for drinking 3 cups of coffee in one sitting.
maybe the warmth reminded me of your arms.
maybe the complexities in flavors reminded me of your lips.

or maybe, i just really wanted coffee.
who knows.
either way, my stomach hurts.

i have peices of you stained on me.
like rings on a wooden table
like coffee spills on white t-shirts.
youre stained on my skin, never to be washed away
never to leave.
maybe thats why im hung up on you

please dont put me into the position where i have to show you how cold
my heart really is.

i don’t miss you, and please never contact me again
but if you did i’d answer because i miss the warmth in your voice and spending my nights with you.
but please don’t contact me, i never wanna see your face again.
seeing you again is the last thing i would ever want, but it was so warm outside and the stars were so visible in the darkness of the sky and i couldn’t sleep so i should’ve been on the way to your house.
i wish i could get over you, but i already am.
i wish you’d come back but please stay so far away from me.
i don’t love you anymore but i still think about you all the time.

the stars would be proud
to be a piece of someone like you

would you feel sick if i called you?
would your stomach knot up, turning into twists and turns?

would you tell me to not do that again?
to leave you alone and let you call me when you’re available?

what would you do?
i miss your voice.

i can hear you,
sense you,
touch you.
youre locked away in the back of my mind, itching.
clawing.
poking.
looking for a way out.
youre a creature.
and by association,
you make me a creature.
a creature of habit.

breathe,
the world isnt out to get you.  
it will not swallow you into everlasting darkness if you take a break.
rest my love
remember to breathe

like a flower that wilts in the sun,
youve become a case of a person.
a hollow shell,
an empty place.
youve become nothing.
youre a pit of despair,
you feel like nothing could ever compare to the pain you feel.
but like all things, you grow.
you bloom in the dancing beams of moonlight,
you radiate in the endless field of dreams.
you may be empty but youre not empty yet.
so let me fill you, with the sparks you send me.
so i can see the love of mine, even if its only in the moonlight.
let yourself glow my love.

one day ill die
and the world will continue to turn
it will not halt
it will not stop
it will turn
so when i do
i hope you look to the sky
and know its alright

devil town is colder in the summer time,
id lose my mind at least couple thousand times,
hold my hand tight,
we'll make it another night.

i still get a little scared of something new but i feel a little safer when i'm with you.

falling doesn't seem so bad when i know you're falling this way too.

i’ll let you drain me of all that i am.
i’ll let you use my skin as an easel.
my blood as the paint.
i’ll let you cut me apart.
use my eyes as sight seers, my lungs as the fresh air your crave.
i’ll let you run me dry,
if that’s what you asked.
if that is not utter devotion,
i’m afraid i have no definition of the word.

youre a sunset lover, while i linger till the sunrise.
you listen to the rhythm i listen to the beat.
you love warmth while i enjoy the cold.
we are perfectly imperfect for eachother...
right?

i find myself questioning the intentions of my thoughts and actions.
i question the way my feet hit the ground,
the way i raise my voice,
the way my shoulders move when i stretch,
the way my fingers move when i type,
the way my voice sounds.
i question it all.
am i real?
can people see me?
am i this body?
i am me, but who am i?