i’m going to stop trying to be the main character in your love story.
i was merely a side character,
or maybe a comic relief.
but you were always my main.
goodbye lover,
continue your story without me.

theres a road, i always drive past. full of cars, trees and bushes.
the wind always rustles and the trees always shake.
but the part that stands out is a little red and yellow playground.
stained by shoe souls, and childhood memories.
memories of a first kiss, a first fist fight, a first song, a finale hug.
a tiny playground, surrounded by woodchips and empty sonic cups.
lay abandoned, scattered with past memories.

i dreamt of you last night.
i thought it was real,
thought you were real.
but i know youll never want me.
stupid little dreams.

if i have to stand in the pouring rain waiting for you, so be it.
but you better bring a **** umbrella its getting cold.

i hope to one day spend the cold and empty nights in the fullness of your arms.
i hope to look you in the eyes and declare my undying love to you.
i hope to one day shift through the sands of time letting you look at every individual grain.
i hope to love you until the everdying enternity.
i hope to be yours forever.

i will always have a piece of you.
a piece that comes running back.
i will always have a way to make you crave my lips melting with yours.
to make you long to be tangled up with me in the middle of the night.
to make you need me.
every night
until you some how forget me
which you wont.
so go ahead, run on to the next one. and the next one. and the next one.
but i will always be here,
and you will always come back to me.

i hope you fall.
not in love.
not for someone.
not for anything.
i hope you fall.
i hope you hurt.
i hope you bleed.
i hope you suffer.
i hope you fall,
for a person that treats you the way you treated me.

You leave me gasping for air, gripping at the teathered ropes that lead behind you.
I fell into your trap just as you wanted me to.
I fell for you and into your love.
Your air restricting love.
But its all worth it for you my dear

deep within the ocean, only secrets lie.
the marine life will hear them,
whispers carried in the currant.

a lonely world, that must be.
to only live within secrets.
small promises whispered beneath moonlit sands,
hands clasped in the darkness.
kisses shared beneath stars.

secrets that travel beneath sea level.
infecting the waters with unfulfilled words and pleas.
a whole world of darkness,
deep in the depths.

where our secret still lies.

i want to say i got better.
i want to say i can look at a bottle and think of only the dosage.
i want to say i can eat a meal without puking until my lungs lack air.
i want to say my arms and legs are clear.
but whats the point in lying anymore.
everyone knows im lying, they just dont care.
or maybe im to good at hiding it.

i hope you find what i gave you
in someone else.

ive never been one to feel
but when your arms wrapped around me i saw the whole universe in my eyes
i saw the stars collide
i saw the oceans currents fold into one another
i saw the planets orbit
i saw the world in its pure and most beautiful form
thank you

the best way i can describe your skin against mine is of flower petals
soft, gentle, comforting
the way your body incapsulates me is that of a rose
beautiful and taunting
you always wondered why i called you my wildflower
maybe this will help

step 1. cry into the abyss. scream until your lungs ache and your ribs bruise. beg, plead, pray, and whimper to a god that hasnt listened to your prayers since you were a child.
step 2. stare at the ceiling while you sit in agony, wonder if this feeling will ever go away. replay every happy memory in the back of your mind until you can almost feel their touch burning your skin
step 3. fall asleep in a heap on the bathroom floor, with tears staining your skin and chills covering your entire body. its to cold to sleep there, but you wont move.
step 4. repeat the last three steps every night until you are only a shell of your former self. a hollowed out piece of flesh and bone. shine a flashlight against your chest and watch as the hole in your heart glows
step 5. finally become human after months of rotting into your own prison. do your laundry, the smell reminds you of them. hold back the tears that sting against your eyelids.
step 6. hangout with your friends, force yourself to smile. laugh out a dry heaving laugh, look at your feet when your friends look at you funny
step 7. sit on your bathroom floor and relive the past, hold your knees to your chest as you do. it feels like a hug, but its not. its only your cold arms.
step 8. go outside, watch the sunrays dance around the trees. smile, a genuine smile. god its been forever, hasnt it. soak up those rays. tell your mom about your good day
step 9. put all their clothes into a box, purge your room of any memories you had of them. dye your hair, pierce your nose, reclaim the person you lost.
step 10. laugh again and move on.

forever chasing after something uncatchable.
forever tripping over my own two feet.
pitiful.

why wont you listen
why wont you care to hear that youre wrong
everything i say is locked away
blocked out of your memory
you wont even hear me
see me
feel me
nothing.

i love like a cannibal,
allowing myself to swallow people whole
encompassing them in my being.
i let them sit in the curves of my ribs and and rest their head against my lungs.
maybe i love to hard

if you asked me,
“why do you do the things you do?”

i’d tell you,
“it’s just the way i am.”

although, this is not true.
i am the way i am because my soul is intertwined with yours.
my movements are a mirror, my voice is a copy.
my heart screams your name,
and my lungs breathe your air.

i was molded in your shadow,
and i am content with that.

so, perhaps, im a liar.
to everyone but you.

i will drown myself in grief
heavy rocks weighting me down to the ocean floor
i will drown
in the knowledge that i am no longer what you want

you can smoke me away in empty boxes of marlboros,
or drown out my words in jameson.
but no matter how much **** you shove down your throat to forget me,
my shadow will always be imprinted in the back of your mind.
and my name will never leave your drunken tongue.

i’m good enough to be taken in heaping handfuls
to be displayed
to be ******.
but never will i be good enough to sing to
to hold
to be loved.

im addicted to you.
so please, give me a taste of your lips.
i cant live through these withdrawls.

would you feel sick if i called you?
would your stomach knot up, turning into twists and turns?

would you tell me to not do that again?
to leave you alone and let you call me when you’re available?

what would you do?
i miss your voice.

i sailed across the seven seas looking for you.
i captured sirens and monsters, hoping to find a part of your heart.
i watched the waves turn my stomach into swirling pits of nothingness, painting the seas green and blue.
i thought you said you loved the ocean..?
i thought you loved me, yet you keep me as a castaway

youll pull me along, through the dust, the heat, the cold, through the world
and no matter the pain, the blood spilling down my arms
the rope burns across my fingers
ill hold on.
ill always hold on

i heard someone with your laugh today.
it made me feel like you were still alive

i try my best to write my emotions into simple phrases, constructed of beautiful rhymes and rhythms.
but if im being honest my head is full of raging fires and hurricanes.
yet,
the only part that makes sense is my love for you.

if only i could hold you while the sky slowly bleeds unto sunrise.
if only i could kiss your forehead as you softly breath into my chest.
if only i could pull you close to me in the early hours of the morning.
if only i could love you the way i want to, the way i need to.
i just wanna love you, because thats all im living for.

ive always told myself "i can do this on my own."
i can draw the blade and pierce it through the ones in my way.
i can watch their blood pool beneath my feet, and feel no remorse.

but my hands are stained crimson and there are tears in my eyes.
my hands search, not for a blade but, for you.

i do not want to stain your clothes with my past,
but i need you like the air i breathe.

i cannot fight alone.

i’m not sure who you love
who you give your light to
who your eyes shine for
but i know it’s not me

so lets smoke some more, and wash away the night.
cause no matter what i do,
ill never be alright.

till the days i dont have to feel sad songs in the pit of my stomach.
till the days i can look outside and see the world as something other than withered.
till the days i can breath without the wheeze.
i will continue to tell you im okay,
cause thats all im allowed to be.

this ongoing solitude of mine
is how i silently whisper into the breeze that i miss you.