i have this feeling.
a rot, thats deep within my soul.
something that i cannot cut out, or heal away.

it grows around my organs and eats at my heart.
it feeds.
always feeding.

only your voice can stop the ache.
youll come back, wont you?
say you will, please.

this place will always reside.
this place of love shown in
scrolls down the beach,
feral cats on my brothers street,
hugs when we first meet,
tear stains on my sheets.
this place will always be here,
just come back home and we can nurture it together

“is it better to speak or to die?”

i’ve pondered this question.
turned it over in my palms, took it apart and reassembled it.
every way i view it,
it is better to speak.

why live your life, if not to the fullest?
why hide within yourself and let what you want pass by?

speak.
and do not speak only when death makes it’s inevitable march towards you.

speak like it’s your last day,
every day.

crimson rivers escape me as my lung exhale the pain.
alluring ravines cross my skin as your lips try to heal my hurt.
im trying to fight the good fight but it keeps on getting worse.
i hope my bruised and bloodied arms will never make you leave me.
im trying my best to heal the pain, but only your words can fix me.

"Do you love me or do you need me" i asked with a tear rolling down my cheek
and with a wicked gleam in your eyes, you said
"figure it out yourself"

i don’t miss you, and please never contact me again
but if you did i’d answer because i miss the warmth in your voice and spending my nights with you.
but please don’t contact me, i never wanna see your face again.
seeing you again is the last thing i would ever want, but it was so warm outside and the stars were so visible in the darkness of the sky and i couldn’t sleep so i should’ve been on the way to your house.
i wish i could get over you, but i already am.
i wish you’d come back but please stay so far away from me.
i don’t love you anymore but i still think about you all the time.

you left again.
leaving throw about memories and open wounds upon my skin
you scratched my insecurities into my chest
you tore the air from my lungs
you pushed my into my knees and laughed at my tears.
even after all this
you still expected me to cater to your aching heart.
and i ******* did

i am nothing in my soul if not obsessive,
and i know intense love will always lead to mourning.
and now what am i supposed to do?

we laid in my bed until the early hours of the morning,
tracing the constellations of our love on to my ceiling.
but now i sit, staring endlessly at a ceiling full of constellations,
and no one to trace them with.

soft breathes and unspoken agreements.
a forbidden call to the stars,
a plea to bring back what once was.

some days i let it curl into my side while i pet its head softly
other days i scream at it until my mouth tastes of blood
most days i watch it lurk around my room, picking up certain things and dropping them back down again
grief isn’t a friend, but it’s no stranger either.
it’s made it’s home in the pit of my stomach

i cant keep hanging by your noose.
im tired of not being able to breath.
so go on and give your best to someone else.
they can get the best of you.
give them your all and slowly strangle them too.
im getting tired of starting again, so im done.
i refuse.

through days of darkness
and nights of bittersweet dreams
my love for you will never fade,
and neither will i

your silence is agonizing.
i got so used to never hearing from you,
only for it to change in a second.

now you’re gone again.
leaving me right when you had roped me back in.

i wish you’d let me love you,
for old times sake.

i got you a present this year,
one i’m sure you won’t receive.

it will sit beneath the tree, wrapped up pretty with your name scribbled in your favorite brand of pen,
waiting.
it will wait until you’re ready.
until you’re able.

maybe it’ll wait until we forget eachother, and it will slowly fade away.

maybe it won’t wait much time at all.

but for now, it sits underneath falling pines,
untouched.

"you cant love someone until you love yourself"
*******.
i loved you more than ive ever thought to even love myself.
and god you made it seem so easy to love someone like me, so i started.
and now im in love with two people, you and me.
what a beautiful life it is

i can see
feel
touch
sense you.
but youre gone
forever
and ever
gone
and
in the ground.
why can i feel you  
talking
breathing
lurking.
youre here
arent you
please
dont hurt me.

i can feel time slowly drifting away.
these little moments that i watch through cracked pavement and try to grasp like weeds on the summer sidewalk.
these memories are supposed to be the highlight of my formative years, yet they filter through my fingertips and leave remnants of a life not lived in my palms.
was i supposed to follow this path?
is this what im supposed to be?

devil town is colder in the summer time,
id lose my mind at least couple thousand times,
hold my hand tight,
we'll make it another night.

i still get a little scared of something new but i feel a little safer when i'm with you.

falling doesn't seem so bad when i know you're falling this way too.

The stage lights have come on.
The act is about to start.
So my voice will ring throughout, playing my part.

The doting friend.
Nothing more, nothing less.
The past lover that has moved on,
wishing you all the best.

I’m an incredible actor, so I’ve been told.
My voice will not break, nor will I.
But back behind stage there’s tears in my eyes.

I do not want to move on,
although I am forced.
Your smile infects my mind,
and throws me off my course.

I’m a wonderful actor, and so the show will run.
But this is your doing,
leaving me out in the unbearable heat of the sun.

i can build up any wall and you'll break it.
im gonna start making them out of steal i guess.

you’re not hard to love.
you make love feel like fresh pressed coffee atop the window sill.
like the first warm breeze of spring.
you are everything warm in the world encapsulated into one living being.
you are love, in every sense of the word.

you are worth the work.

we used to fight over who loved the other more,
i guess theres one fight i did win.

i find myself doing things we once did with him.
and it makes me realize how much of an impact you caused me.
i cant get away, i cant stop thinking of things i said to you that i have now said to him.
youre stuck in me.
youre trapped within me.
and i dont want you to be but its quite a comforting feeling.
i guess i like the fact that i remember.
im not sure
you tell me

no matter how much i ponder the thought of forgetting you,
it still reminds me of you.
which makes it quite hard to forget

i’ve taken up journaling.
spilling my feelings between thin lines and smudged ink.
although, my words are not articulate enough.
i don’t describe my feelings in a way that is poetic or neat, it is only human.
who am i preforming for?
if only my soul is to read these pages,
why must i put on an act?
why must my words of melancholy, rage, and hopefulness be reworked.
a beautiful home, without a foundation.

i can’t forgive what you did
but i miss you so much it hurts

i can feel my heart slowly sinking in my chest,
and the only thing i can say is
its okay

butterflies in my head
my stomach
my arms
all around me.
you leave me with the fluttering feeling of their wings
their overwhelming colors
their need to be around you.
you leave me with butterflies in my tummy
flipping whenever they see you
and for some reason i cant get them to stop.
those **** butterflies

heart torn in two,
and all i can do is mourn the thought of losing you.

we are roses.
time passes and we grow, adding on petal after petal.
thorns cut through us and we wither away.
yet we are roses.
slowly growing into something so beautiful people cant avert their eyes.
the thorns dull and the petals bloom.
because we are simply roses.
blooming in the moonlight and,
we are beautiful.

i hate this feeling.

the hole in my chest, pulsating and throbbing at the thought of you.
a broken promise, something reformed and remade every time we speak.

unrequited love. i know what this is.
i hate it more than i can physically describe.
i hate that you’ve done this to me again.

no we weren't forever.
the promises faded,
the smiles disappeared into sorrowful glances,
the laughing eyes turned into glossed over stares.
no we weren't forever,
but you made me feel like we would be.
so thanks for the hope i guess

youre a sunset lover, while i linger till the sunrise.
you listen to the rhythm i listen to the beat.
you love warmth while i enjoy the cold.
we are perfectly imperfect for eachother...
right?

i hope you get everything you’ve ever wanted
and i don’t hear a **** word about it.

so put me into your night sky,
-
-
-
-
-
-
cause god i long to be a star in someones eyes

i got my blood drawn today
and all i wanted to do was call you.
i hate needles and you’d always talk me through it.

i did it by myself today,
i wonder if you’d be proud of me

its gotten colder,
the days are shorter,
my breath hangs in the air.
my skin has become dry and fragile.
my voice is weak and raspy.

its gotten colder here,
not because of the bite of january.
or because of the chill brought south.
but because you left.

again.

i thought it was going to be you.
i promised myself it was going to be you.

now im promising to never speak to you again.

funny how the times change.