what is
the point

this question

haunts me
every day

why should i
bother

does my suffering
matter

and
the answer
determines
the future

just one day
stands between us

just one sleep
with dreams of you

just one more
day

then

what

oh, you.

you.

i'll never be mad
at you.

i hate you
for how you make me feel
and for
how you
don’t see me
at all

how do i explain
to you
what's happening
to me?

the ringing
of my anger

can't be dampened
other than
with time

like
sound waves
spreading
dissolving

one day
i'll be
ok

starting my life
over again
with less than a life to live

beautiful you
how powerful you make me feel
how loved
and how special

sometimes
this sadness is so deep
i could just lie back
and let it take me

my
imperfection
& impatience

i expect
will drive you away

just trying
to speed it up

i know
you see me

love me

trying to
figure out

why you
fear
me

i finally gave myself
enough space
to miss you

toxic blood
toxic breath
toxic you
toxic death

begging
for a release

when

all i have to do
is
take the first step

i know

all
of the pain
i caused

the choices
i stole
from you

i
feel it
now
with you

your cries
of pain,
heartbreak
are almost
too much
to bear

and now i know
how
i wronged you
and
now

it’s too late

i’m sorry
but it’s too late

freedom
feels empty
when i hold it
in my hands

feels like
my head
keeps slipping down
beneath the water

swallowed
by the void

i can't remember
which lies
are for who
maybe
i should just start
speaking the truth

and i know
tomorrow
my anger
will recede
leaving only regret

and
it's really
the worst

everyone
i thought i had
are now gone

hopes
drooping
lonely
veil

i’m lonely with you
but
i’ll be lonely without you

oh, how quickly
hope wanes
replaced immediately
by
bitter
doubt

now that
we both know

it suddenly
seems
more sad
more lonely

too real

a love too big
to understand

a life too short
to embrace

my patience too thin
to wait

i'm searching
aimlessly
even though
i know where
to find
you

imagining
something new
something wonderful
something with you

and
one day

maybe

it’ll be true

we are wavering
daily
between love and hate

how can these things
transform
into one another
with such ease?

not sure
how much more
my heart can take

you're my dream

i'm not sure
if this is the kind of dream

that can be real
or that can never be real

the reality
we allow

the reality
we need

i'm stuck
in between

you are
my entitlement
ownership
spread from my heart
connections
i cannot control
future
inevitable

i know
we will be ok
but
right now
i’m not ok

my feelings
of despair
muted
pint after pint

i like flipping tables
and
i know you do, too

but
do me a favor
and don't flip ours

shock
subsides

brings
acceptance
from
knowing

confidence
in next

you stopped
short of the line

that i desperately wanted
you to cross

i'll still
wait
a little longer

i think
you don't want me
but
you're too **** to admit

that this was just
something
you saw as a game
because
i'm
not
real
to
you

working through
grief
of us

starting to see
a blue sky
where my freedom
purifies me

where the air
i breathe
is nourishing

where i
am
me

i know i lied

but
so
did
you

(now i know)

and you tried
to make me
the villain

so
****
you

your words
like music

your voice
is mute

my ears
yearn

you have
failed
to molt

and
it
will
destroy
you

twisting
and
molding
the truth

avoiding
accountability
denying
what we knew

..

i reject
it
with my whole heart

this is not reality
this is art

so

who
did you daydream
about

when you
were trapped
with me?

a simple,
sudden
shout

an interruption
i can't stop
thinking about

unexpected
and abrupt
and beautifully
uncorrupt

to wait
is an illusion

patience is
merely
self control

words
acquire meaning
with action

i am
choosing
every
day

why
does it have
to be
a wish?