i think about you
shamefully
when
most likely
you're not
thinking about
me

i think
you don't want me
but
you're too **** to admit

that this was just
something
you saw as a game
because
i'm
not
real
to
you

i know that
i just broke your heart
and i'll admit
that mine broke all over again
even though
it seems to have been breaking
over
and over
for the last 12 years.

i will say
that
each time
it got a little easier.

i saw your tears
heard your voice
with desperation
you
trying to grasp
the end.

for your first time.
and for that
i am sorry

what is
the point

this question

haunts me
every day

why should i
bother

does my suffering
matter

and
the answer
determines
the future

every
single
day

i looked for you

every morning

i sat in silence
waiting for a sign

doing what i can
to hear you
feel you
pull you in

just
give in

ensuring the future
expression of my fantasy
requires
that you
stick around

so i guess
what i'm saying
is

i don't
believe you

i stopped using the map
a long time ago

and even though
sometimes i feel lost

with you
i'm always found

this year was ours
mine and yours

i am forever changed
i am new
i am ready

i know a love
like no other

i'm never
looking back

starting my life
over again
with less than a life to live

did you have to lie
like me?

does it now
come naturally?

a small price to pay
wouldn't you say?

the moon pulls
our love's tide

today
your sea
flowed into me

you dug
a little deeper

your essence
became me

daily distractions
over time
are forcing a fade
of my focus
on you

however
against
my will

to you
this
is already
planned out

it's everything
we expected
it's a mimicking
of the same scene
over
and
over
until
it's just a word now
without any meaning
only the boring context
we built around ourselves

well i reject
your worn path
that goes blindly to the grave
your hollow words
that didn't mean anything
until
someone else
said them to me

now
i know
just how empty
we are

what does
your love look like?

i suspect
you don't
even know

but
don't you want to?

if this is your love
then
i don't want it

can't you just
stop
being in denial

open your **** eyes
and help me
say the words
i haven't been able to

but i guess
what could i expect
from the person
who thinks
they still love me?

this burning
wonder
does it bother you?

push you
like it pushes me?

do you even wonder?
how i am?

do you care?

are you still there?

...?

you enjoyed me
when i was the fantasy
a memory
of a person long gone

i tried too hard
to be real
to you

so now
you're gone

maintaining the facade
at any cost
to allow
the free flow
beneath

we have to preserve this
at any cost
i will live a million
pretend fake painful lives
to live one
real one
with you

i know what you look like
when you’re kissing me
with your eyes closed tight
because
I peeked

today may be a better day
but
it’s still a day
without you

do i have to keep smiling
to convince you that i'm ok?

does my mask make you happier
than my true face?

i guess you’re gone now
but you didn’t say goodbye
i guess i’ll move on now
but will always wonder why

you did your part
and then let me go

only problem is
i'm still holding on

i don't even have to see you
to know that everything has changed

i don't want to see
the look in your eyes

that tells me
it's over

the void,
you

missing from my day

all of my distractions
have run away

a sad calm
albeit a reprieve

i just hope
you didn't really leave

how do i say
i miss you
before
i have you

somehow
all of a sudden
every dream
is about you

today
i give up
on trying
to make you mine

and
all that’s left
is the ashes

none of this
is real
until
you make it real

a lonely dreamer
seems to be
me

a yearning heart
longing to be
free

i don't know
what i want

but
i know
how i want to feel

are you
a dream?

it doesn't work anymore

words with no meaning
hollow smiles

actions of empty hearts

i tolerate
i cope

but
i have no more love

just one day
stands between us

just one sleep
with dreams of you

just one more
day

then

what

how do i explain
to you
what's happening
to me?

cool breeze blows through
it’s that familiar feeling
where only a fresh start will do.

all of a sudden
i'm walking into a clearing
where my path appears to end

sometimes
i seem to
know where i am going

then
without warning
i don't

with so little
time left

and so many
stones left to turn

this journey
seems
to extend

beyond
my understanding

along
an infinite road

beneath
countless moons

loves
hates
deaths
fates

a year ago
i found you
smiling, looking for me

we found ourselves
close

big room
feels small with you

your hand
on me

walked out of there
we

a year ago
i found you

no matter
what i do
can't stop
loving you

i'm watching you
from over here
perched on the highest peak

leaning
straining
for a glimpse of you

i'm tired
of moving these mountains around
trying to be near you

but i still feel you
love you
even from afar

so much easier
to catch something
than to let it go

(letting go is inevitable)

the weight
of my mind
feels heavy
these days

i really did think
for once
my hope would turn into
reality

real things
don't last

nothing.
lasts.

woke up
in a sea of calm
yesterday's gloom is gone

warm sunlight
pulls me out
from hiding

for a moment
i can forget
my aching heart

you ruined me
now i know what i'm missing

you ruined me
now i know real love

you ruined me
because i can't have you

but you're all that i want

forever
keeps getting shorter
while i
keep getting older

time
will
run
out

i'm afraid
i'm not worthy
of a wish
so big