you're my dream

i'm not sure
if this is the kind of dream

that can be real
or that can never be real

3 years ago
i cried on a bathroom floor

(that was the first time i cheated on you)

my freedom
scared me
but

now
it sustains me

still want you
still waiting

maybe i should have
left you
alone

you think
your irreverence
makes you authentic

actually
it makes you
stupid

getting to know you in pieces
little glimpses
through your windows

these savored moments
the seeds
of the future

i finally gave myself
enough space
to miss you

intentions of
freedom
passion
purpose
warmth
balance
peace

recently
you have been giving me
a look
that so deeply
resonates
and tells me
truly
that
i don't know you
anymore

you are
my entitlement
ownership
spread from my heart
connections
i cannot control
future
inevitable

the reality
we allow

the reality
we need

i'm stuck
in between

my
imperfection
& impatience

i expect
will drive you away

just trying
to speed it up

your words
like music

your voice
is mute

my ears
yearn

you stopped
short of the line

that i desperately wanted
you to cross

i'll still
wait
a little longer

fragmented
but free

a fresh step
up a lonely hill

yea, it's scary
but
i'm free

shock
subsides

brings
acceptance
from
knowing

confidence
in next

working through
grief
of us

starting to see
a blue sky
where my freedom
purifies me

where the air
i breathe
is nourishing

where i
am
me

devastation
doesn’t quite say how deep
this shattering
of my life
is

i know
we will be ok
but
right now
i’m not ok

i’m lonely with you
but
i’ll be lonely without you

now that
we both know

it suddenly
seems
more sad
more lonely

too real

i think about you
shamefully
when
most likely
you're not
thinking about
me

i think
you don't want me
but
you're too **** to admit

that this was just
something
you saw as a game
because
i'm
not
real
to
you

i know that
i just broke your heart
and i'll admit
that mine broke all over again
even though
it seems to have been breaking
over
and over
for the last 12 years.

i will say
that
each time
it got a little easier.

i saw your tears
heard your voice
with desperation
you
trying to grasp
the end.

for your first time.
and for that
i am sorry

what is
the point

this question

haunts me
every day

why should i
bother

does my suffering
matter

and
the answer
determines
the future

every
single
day

i looked for you

every morning

i sat in silence
waiting for a sign

doing what i can
to hear you
feel you
pull you in

just
give in

ensuring the future
expression of my fantasy
requires
that you
stick around

so i guess
what i'm saying
is

i don't
believe you

i stopped using the map
a long time ago

and even though
sometimes i feel lost

with you
i'm always found

this year was ours
mine and yours

i am forever changed
i am new
i am ready

i know a love
like no other

i'm never
looking back

starting my life
over again
with less than a life to live

did you have to lie
like me?

does it now
come naturally?

a small price to pay
wouldn't you say?

the moon pulls
our love's tide

today
your sea
flowed into me

you dug
a little deeper

your essence
became me

daily distractions
over time
are forcing a fade
of my focus
on you

however
against
my will

to you
this
is already
planned out

it's everything
we expected
it's a mimicking
of the same scene
over
and
over
until
it's just a word now
without any meaning
only the boring context
we built around ourselves

well i reject
your worn path
that goes blindly to the grave
your hollow words
that didn't mean anything
until
someone else
said them to me

now
i know
just how empty
we are

what does
your love look like?

i suspect
you don't
even know

but
don't you want to?

if this is your love
then
i don't want it

can't you just
stop
being in denial

open your **** eyes
and help me
say the words
i haven't been able to

but i guess
what could i expect
from the person
who thinks
they still love me?

this burning
wonder
does it bother you?

push you
like it pushes me?

do you even wonder?
how i am?

do you care?

are you still there?

...?

you enjoyed me
when i was the fantasy
a memory
of a person long gone

i tried too hard
to be real
to you

so now
you're gone

maintaining the facade
at any cost
to allow
the free flow
beneath

we have to preserve this
at any cost
i will live a million
pretend fake painful lives
to live one
real one
with you

i know what you look like
when you’re kissing me
with your eyes closed tight
because
I peeked

today may be a better day
but
it’s still a day
without you

do i have to keep smiling
to convince you that i'm ok?

does my mask make you happier
than my true face?

i guess you’re gone now
but you didn’t say goodbye
i guess i’ll move on now
but will always wonder why

you did your part
and then let me go

only problem is
i'm still holding on

i don't even have to see you
to know that everything has changed

i don't want to see
the look in your eyes

that tells me
it's over

the void,
you

missing from my day

all of my distractions
have run away

a sad calm
albeit a reprieve

i just hope
you didn't really leave

how do i say
i miss you
before
i have you