your insult
today
stoked my core

evoking
anger
guilt
indignation

sadness

separation

the ringing
of my anger

can't be dampened
other than
with time

like
sound waves
spreading
dissolving

one day
i'll be
ok

i hate you
for how you make me feel
and for
how you
don’t see me
at all

everyone
i thought i had
are now gone

hopes
drooping
lonely
veil

freedom
feels empty
when i hold it
in my hands

and i know
tomorrow
my anger
will recede
leaving only regret

and
it's really
the worst

feels like
my head
keeps slipping down
beneath the water

swallowed
by the void

with every whispered word
every glance

you transform me

i am watching myself
bloom

i am
your flower

we are wavering
daily
between love and hate

how can these things
transform
into one another
with such ease?

not sure
how much more
my heart can take

the anger
turned heavy

this morning
waves
of sadness

are drowning me

i know i lied

but
so
did
you

(now i know)

and you tried
to make me
the villain

so
****
you

i'm cheating
on you
you're cheating
on me

what
a
coincidence

did we just
agree?

i want
your actions
to fulfill
my dreams

a love too big
to understand

a life too short
to embrace

my patience too thin
to wait

over time
your touch
became
my enemy

over time
my love
became
despair

i like flipping tables
and
i know you do, too

but
do me a favor
and don't flip ours

oh, how quickly
hope wanes
replaced immediately
by
bitter
doubt

memories
and
daydreams

both like smoke
elusive
and fading

my heart
always grasping
for more

will our story
be told
in a dream
or a future memory?

is one
more real
than the other?

i'm searching
aimlessly
even though
i know where
to find
you

i did everything
for you
so now
i don’t know me

my feelings
of despair
muted
pint after pint

you're my dream

i'm not sure
if this is the kind of dream

that can be real
or that can never be real

3 years ago
i cried on a bathroom floor

(that was the first time i cheated on you)

my freedom
scared me
but

now
it sustains me

still want you
still waiting

maybe i should have
left you
alone

you think
your irreverence
makes you authentic

actually
it makes you
stupid

getting to know you in pieces
little glimpses
through your windows

these savored moments
the seeds
of the future

i finally gave myself
enough space
to miss you

intentions of
freedom
passion
purpose
warmth
balance
peace

recently
you have been giving me
a look
that so deeply
resonates
and tells me
truly
that
i don't know you
anymore

you are
my entitlement
ownership
spread from my heart
connections
i cannot control
future
inevitable

the reality
we allow

the reality
we need

i'm stuck
in between

my
imperfection
& impatience

i expect
will drive you away

just trying
to speed it up

your words
like music

your voice
is mute

my ears
yearn

you stopped
short of the line

that i desperately wanted
you to cross

i'll still
wait
a little longer

fragmented
but free

a fresh step
up a lonely hill

yea, it's scary
but
i'm free

shock
subsides

brings
acceptance
from
knowing

confidence
in next

working through
grief
of us

starting to see
a blue sky
where my freedom
purifies me

where the air
i breathe
is nourishing

where i
am
me

devastation
doesn’t quite say how deep
this shattering
of my life
is

i know
we will be ok
but
right now
i’m not ok

i’m lonely with you
but
i’ll be lonely without you

now that
we both know

it suddenly
seems
more sad
more lonely

too real

i think about you
shamefully
when
most likely
you're not
thinking about
me

i think
you don't want me
but
you're too **** to admit

that this was just
something
you saw as a game
because
i'm
not
real
to
you

i know that
i just broke your heart
and i'll admit
that mine broke all over again
even though
it seems to have been breaking
over
and over
for the last 12 years.

i will say
that
each time
it got a little easier.

i saw your tears
heard your voice
with desperation
you
trying to grasp
the end.

for your first time.
and for that
i am sorry

what is
the point

this question

haunts me
every day

why should i
bother

does my suffering
matter

and
the answer
determines
the future

every
single
day

i looked for you

every morning

i sat in silence
waiting for a sign

doing what i can
to hear you
feel you
pull you in

just
give in

ensuring the future
expression of my fantasy
requires
that you
stick around

so i guess
what i'm saying
is

i don't
believe you

i stopped using the map
a long time ago

and even though
sometimes i feel lost

with you
i'm always found