i am now
ready
to love someone

and
tragically
it can’t be
you

i want you
to be afraid
of how much i love you
i want you to cower
from the power you see
i want us to be in awe
of each other
and in the force we create
in the echoes
of our brightness
the envious lovers
who shake
the cowards
and the disbelievers
who will never understand
our ache

i thought of you the whole way up
the way we laughed last time we were here
and you walked first
to catch the spider webs
i took a photo of you
with the sun rays shining down
from between the fluttering leaves
the wind carried your voice
so i couldn't hear everything you said
as you walked ahead with more speed
than i wanted
like you were trying to get away from me
and like i am now
always trying to keep up
while you're slowly moving
away

i should have made you stay

what is it to be innocent?
and why does it bring you back to me..
over and over again
you ignore my ignoring
and have something positive to say
even when i tell you to go away

i think i'm still waiting
for the truth to overlay

it scares me
like maybe
you didn't see something
to deter you
and like maybe
you will
one day

how many ways
can i pour
this
from my heart
until it's gone
or until
the overflow
stops
spilling into
other parts
of
me

what is

   enough
   right
   fitting
   --here--

now


that didn't seem
to be
before?

looking over your shoulder
with remorse

a heart's denial
you didn't enforce

word was never truth
(actions told me that)

intentions tend to soothe
(distracting from the act)

so why am
i
i'm still buying the lie

the invitation

will always
show
what
you
welcomed
openly

...
that which
you

now

deny
so
vehemently

the wind is deafening
no one is near
we held hands again
and kissed by the pier

we are a photo
we are a memory
destined for something
yet not meant to be

together
we walked back to the beach
and
replayed that one time

but
you're not mine
you're not mine
you're not mine

i know
who you are
to me
and i want to
just

say it

openly

share it
with everyone

celebrate it
and
live it

with you

depending on
how you see it

and assuming
you believe it

the way to
receive it

lies in the
beautiful
way that you
leave it

how could you
let me go
with such
indifference?

how do you
survive
the days

        (and how do i)

knowing
how close
we are?

and yet..

i guess

too
far

and if
i admit it
am i
weak
because
i need
you?

this
is not
logical

i know

but
this is
my fear

that book
scared me
because
how did you
know
that
i needed it?

when you went away
to join the war
i made a bracelet for you

(rose quartz
labradorite
and jet)

and when you returned,
you gave it back

much to my dismay

but now
the bracelet
is on my wrist
everyday

to remind me
about
what you gave away

too little
heart

too late
to depart

too much
dreaming
from the
start

these days
i'm driving a little faster
with a little less fear

some days
i might be a bit
reckless

i realized
the other day
that
i can no longer feel
my
fire heart

most days
i don't see
anything

Some people have this
Magnet affection
Thing
They can’t stop from
Pawing
You

They have this
Insatiable
Lust
Of flesh
And contact
And smells
And whispers

It’s like the most
Velvet
Heaven
Muted
Desires
Like
Jazz

i loathe
pity
and weakness

(you know this)

they threaten my peace
they counter my core

you are both

you are nothing

you are the me
that i fear

there was a time
when this was new
i thought i saw
a glimpse of you

you left me clues
along the way
but you never
gave your heart away

i haven’t learned
no, i can’t let it go
how many times can i endure
the word no?

twisting
and
molding
the truth

avoiding
accountability
denying
what we knew

..

i reject
it
with my whole heart

this is not reality
this is art

so

who
did you daydream
about

when you
were trapped
with me?

you have
failed
to molt

and
it
will
destroy
you

a simple,
sudden
shout

an interruption
i can't stop
thinking about

unexpected
and abrupt
and beautifully
uncorrupt

choices
building
contradictions
to
your
heart

stroking your ego
is the work
of a weak woman

to wait
is an illusion

patience is
merely
self control

words
acquire meaning
with action

i am
choosing
every
day

why
does it have
to be
a wish?

escaping the light
truths
not yet ripe

the suggestion
the night
the time
the fight

your eyes
told me
of
your
plight

how did i put
any trust
in you?

and
why did i let you
influence
what
i do?

your words
and
actions
were not
equally
true

so
.
goodbye
to
you


p. s.

(i hope
the void
brings someone
new)

words
you didn't
say
because
they were hidden
in
bliss

how could we
walk away
from
a kiss
like that?

it’s funny,
how much time
you think
you have

your love is beautiful
(in theory)

our union
is magical
(in theory)

this love
will
last forever
(in theory)

i wouldn't
dare
give you
my heart
again

where is the line
between optimism
and denial?

my gentle heart
feels a fool

all
of your
self fulfilling prophesies
(that i once defended you from)
drowning in fear
insecurity
weakness
and ultimately
your soul’s darkness

are
coming
true

and
it’s a
relief

to let you
be
what i see

and
for everyone else
to
know

you are
those things
not because of who you are
but
what you allowed yourself
to become

gatekeeper
gaslighter
hateful
little
man

if i can’t rise
above you
then
im not sure
where i am

the sadness
of your soul
still
haunts me

and then
the day came, when
your name

didn’t
cross my mind

the fire
for me
in your heart
died quietly

tell me,
love

where did it go?
and
why
don’t you know?

he said,
what if we have
feelings
that
cannot be described in words?

fire
that consumes me
will
birth
new me
later

the
tiny flame
that stayed
inside
me
for you
is burning me
alive

i thought
it was
you

when
i am still
for too long
the sadness
is louder
so
i have to
keep
moving

i know
i could be brave
and evolve
and walk
confidently
over this hill
and on to the horizon

but
instead
i see in your eyes
the reminder
that you didn’t want me
and i just
fall
into this deepness
drowning
in
sad reality
an ache
of being unwanted
of dwelling
on
this

i know
i could
just
…
walk away

but
i
dont

compromise
has a price
that i have
overpaid

writing thoughts
deleting thoughts
anger flares
and then subsides
love blooms
and fades
you’re hot
and then you’re cold
you want me
but you don’t

is it
a human
pattern?
a species’
self-torture?

the plot
to transform
my heart
into
dust

people
succumb
to less

i am settling
for
less

i once yearned for
less

when I felt like
less

but
maybe i'll realize

i
am
more

how many

.times.

can you learn the same lesson?