the past is supposed to be a lesson learned
not a prison to cage yourself so you could not fly
caged birds are equated to flightless birds or clipped wings
they had no freedom to soar high, their means of flying is limited
caging yourself in the past is not healthy
break the stigma now before it totally ruins you.
think twice.

praying to the savior daily. not post-traumatic stress disorder.

a very challenging story I got, I was diagnosed with PTSD. but I never saw it negatively, but rather, I focused on the good stuff, which is to save my soul and never resort to pills and other stuffs to make me feel better. if therapy was on the list, I'd check it, but it was expensive.

So, I thought to myself, why don't I buy a notebook? a ballpen? or a yellow paper? or something paper to write on.
so, I did. I even write at the back of the calendar sometimes. I write feelings in a piece of paper and read it many times, when I am in sync to the feelings, I could publish many poems in just a minute. let's say 5 to 10. I even created 500 poems to my perpetrator until I got nothing left to write. In those years, all I did was move on and immerse myself in the feeling. And then, when I compiled the poems I wrote, I burned them all. Arson thoughts made me felt better afterwards.

That was when my faith in God stood on solid ground, it made me save my life, my soul. I was kneeling to God, begging to him to come and take my pain. and he did. I even forgave them even when they did not ask for forgiveness. I want to protect my peace of mind, before I want to protect our friendship and ruined my mental health. but now, I learned the lesson, I learned to pray and pay the price for messing with my mental health.

but with God, I felt renewed.
so, PTSD stands for Praying to the Savior daily.
Address your problems to God, seek help. surrender it all to Him.
if no one wants to listen, God does.
Go to him directly. save yourself.
never let those inhibitions and thoughts bother you anymore, they do not deserve to live rent-free in our minds.

I cannot even talk to anyone because there will always come a day that I will be judged and talked
so, I always bring my trusted friend with me
my valiant notebook and ballpen
other people will say, "it was a waste of time and resources"
but for me, "it was a waste of life if you did not express yourself"
because who will listen to you anyway?
those weak people who bullies you thinks they are stronger than you, but no

I value my peace of mind, and I know my trusted friend will not judge me
if the pages were wrinkled because of my tears when writing
if the pages were torn because I got mad and has been throwing tantrums at someone

you know how scribbled my mind is, yet you just stood there and laughed at me
you know how troubled I am, but I still find a way to express myself organically
to tell you frankly, I cannot even hold a knife when thinking nasty thoughts to myself
killing myself is not an option, but saving myself is a choice

my hair was maybe sulking at me because when my hair grows back, I trim it whenever
I cannot even fathom holding a rope and coil it in my neck
I am afraid of heights, I cannot even jump from it
I am asthmatic so I never resorted to smoking
I just write, I got it as a hobby but later on it became a cry for help or self-expression.

there is another side you don't know...
been bullied since elementary until I finished college
since I am unemployed with a degree
I am still bullied and belittled.