alwaysareasontosayno.dangerloomseverywhere

The way you kissed me,
Deep isn't the woods...

It made me feel dizzy.

I was flying,
Crying,
Dying.
Because you stopped.


*I never wanted it to end.

He tells me not to worry,
But I can't help it!
I know
He tells me he loves me,
That I'm more important than the views of others,
But I know it gets to him.
It always does after a while.

I don't know what to do...
He keeps telling me "Don't worry about it."
But I. Can't. Help. It.
I can't!
I don't want this to affect us...

Please speak to me, Diary. Just this once,
Offer me solace.

Sincerely,
*Kestrel

I can't do it.
I can't pretend anymore,
But I can't be myself either.
This...
This...
This MASK is crazy glued to my face!
A never-ending smile,
A never-ending mass of energy.
I'm tired,
I'm upset,
I'm only happy around a few certain people,
I'm helpless.
I can't stop it.
Help me...
Help me...
HELP ME BE ME!!!

Please?

                                       Dear Diary,
                                       I can't handle this anymore...

Sorry to bother you again,

But I broke down today... I didn't
Expect to, I just... it started raining...

And he looked at me, with disappointment and concern.
He made me promise not to lie. Not to say "I'm okay."

That made me cry more.

How does he do this to me? I've never felt this much.
Ever.
He told me he loved me and always will,
Even if something happens, it'll never change.

It took all of my strength to speak, just to ask,

"How can you be so sure?"

I believed in his reply.
And it truly hope he's right.


                                                                                                Please aid me in this fight with sadness,
                                                                                                             *~Kestrel~

I am happy.
People tell me I "Radiate" it,
And I cause others to feel it as well.

                            I am just one hell of an actress...

I am happy, but not the way people think.

I'm with you, and I am.
But there is still that.
The disorder,
The disease,
The disaster taking place in my head.

                                   Could you cure it?

I just want to be as happy as everyone else.


                                                                                         Sincerely,
                                                                                         ~Kestrel

The chills received
From a brushing of lips,
Painting a masterpiece only the artists understand;
From a caress of the cheek,
Causing goose-flesh to creep along limbs.
The enlightenment found
In an impenetrable embrace,
Strong branches of a body
Encasing another's waist.
The desire felt when
The closeness is not close enough;
The lover is too far away,
But the closeness is forbidden,
For that lover is a phantom.
A shadow of a dream.
The half empty space, a void,
As no one wishes to fill it;
As no one wishes to accompany me.

I love escaping into the ting
Of digital, electronic
Music.

And my favorite,
The deep and edited voice
Sounds so surreal.
And it lets me escape.

The fast beat, but slow words
Contradict and entice.

Lets you melt into it.

Technology is taking over.
It is making me and
The natural world sick.

Please help.

onlyyoucanmakemeburn

dontletthelittlethingsharmyou

I had a dream.

You doodled on my skin,
And left your name.
You claimed me,
And, in return,

*I claimed you.

findtherealitythatsuitsyoubest.goforit

No, I don't want a fairy tale.
No, I don't want a Prince Charming,
nor a Princess to confess my love for.
No, I don't want a beautiful wedding
in the woods or near a stream.
No, I don't want my career to make me rich.
No, I don't want my lover to kiss me until I faint.
No, I don't want my children to run and play,
making the best experience out of life.
No, I don't want my daughter to grow and meet her Prince.
No, I don't want my son to find his Princess,
get on his knees and give her a silver ring with the purest of gems.
No, I don't want to die happy, with my grandchildren surrounding my bed.

Let me tell you something.
Let me teach you a lesson.
Let me talk to you,
through this poem,
in a Sarcastic tone.

Duh...

You don't fully understand what goes on inside my head.
It is a torrent of confusion, thoughts, and visions.
I have my world, and you have yours.

It might get easier, but you need to understand how foolish you sounded.
You spoke to me as though I was a child!
A GULLIBLE child!
I know people lie or speak before they think,
I know I cant believe everything I see,
I know that the world is twisted and ****** up!
And I read enough and see enough to put two and two together.

I'm disappointed. You told me you were
Inspired to not get mad about others' beliefs.
I don't know what you meant by it, but it sounds
Biased to me.

You told be you see beauty in everything,
But I don't think you do. You don't look at everything.
You assume.
Do you know anything about me?
I haven't even begun to explain!
My lifelong fears,
The isolation I've suffered most of  my life,
My ability to see others for who they really are.
My search for whats right.
My search for my unlabeledviews
Because they're the only thing that makes any sense!

You're different, I know,
But your eyes are still the same.

I love you. I do.
But you really need to see me before you judge.
I tried to, but you didn't really let me.
Now its your turn.

Unaware of your effect,
I welcomed it.
The kiss that seemed to solve
Anything.
Now that I know,
I'm addicted.
Your taste,
Your touch,
Your voice,
Everything.
And more of these
Are yet to be discovered.

I don't know what to say...
My mind is blank;
My heart is numb.
I nearly forgot I had them.

no one KNOWs
THE person i am
the REASON i am who i am
WHY i love who i love
why i care to know how YOU feel
only i know the reason why i **LIVE

The mountains once surrounding me
Were pushed away.
Melting snow leaving puddles at my feet.

You moved mountains for me.

And trekked through the icy lake
To stand by me.

And even though we stood there,
Clouds came down to us
And carried us away.

To a Fantasy?
To a Dream?

Either way,
I have YOU, Darling.

Now, everything is here.

youalwaystrickmeintosmiling

I like you.
That's all there is to it.
I like you.
But we can't.
I'm still young.
But so are you.
My mother doesn't approve.
Yours?
Its because of experience.
Your experience.
But is that it?
Or is it because...
You are a girl, too?

Its true.
They sting, they itch, they burn.
For everyone.
I cry and I cant stop.
I cant figure out
Who or what
These tears are falling for.
Is it stress
Confusion
Anger
Sadness?
I don't know.
All I do know is

I have eyes that burn.

I sneak a peak
And I fade.
In a daze
I think of
Possibilities.
Is it possible?
Am I not alone?
But, then again,
It's too light.
You are fading.
Not much longer
Before you forget
You ever saw them.
I am alone,
After all.

ohbutitisfair.wearenoweven.besidesivegivenyoulessthanyouvegivenme­

For some odd
Reason
I feel lost.
Needing to wrestle
With
Life or death.
Deciding
The fates
I will need to face.
Needing to think
To
Decide my outcome.
What am I to
Decide...
When I don't know my choices?
But now I know my choices.
Everyone's choices.

**Life or Death

I am a deck of cards.
Each part of me has a different meaning.
Sometimes, I'm shuffled and get confused.
I struggle to put myself in order.
And other times,
Pieces of me fly everywhere.
And I cant pick myself up, because
My order has shattered.
I need someone.
These cards wont pick up themselves, you know.

I still feel it, too.

I fan-girl over your first texts of the day,
I tear up reading your poetry.

I still get nervous when I see you.
I continue to feel high when you kiss me.

Its not anything I've felt before
And I never want this feeling to go away.

This is what happens
When I eat too much.

A stomach ache,
And a swollen abdomen.

I look like I'm five months pregnant...

Roses are red,
Violets are Blue.
I am going to bed.

*Will you come, too?

Twenty years from now, I'll look back
And see a smile on your face.
A sweet one, A comical one, And a hungry one.
Nothing will stop me from remembering your sweet words;
Remembering your lips on my skin;
Remembering your pulse in the palm of my hand.

How annoyed you get when I'm talking about your Christmas present
Without giving hints.
And how angry you were when I wouldn't delete the picture,
Then felt guilty when I said I would.

And in the twenty years between now and then,
Hopefully you will be by my side.
Every step of the way. Through every fight,
Secret, and unexpected photograph.
Every decision, uncomfortable silence,
And chalk drawing of my emotions.

I love you.
Forever and always.

This lump in my throat
Jumps. Almost as if it wants
To say something.
I did not know what it is.
I feel I need to measure some sort
Of emotion, but what it is...
And it scares me.
I feel the vultures and crow
Just waiting for the right moment.
I should feel warm.

I am alive right?
Because you can see me, can't you?

You are my Geranium.

This is saying goodbye
To the flow of words,
The music without melody,
That offered me solace.
It doesnt work anymore.
The way to vent, let
My emotions escape.
Now, it makes them more painful.
The way to tell him I love him
In my own unique way.
But I cant explain how much I love him.

This is goodbye to my pen and notebook.

This is goodbye to poetry.

At least for now.

There is never enough time.
It's screaming at me, echoing in my seemingly
Empty
Skull. Ringing in my ears, tearing my neck away.
I can't breathe.
I am new, but I can't write about it.
Too much time to think...
Yeah right. I calmly feel numb. Blank.

I want to sleep with you.

I want to sleep* with you.

Your arms around me,
Our legs dancing the entwine.
My lips on your neck,
And your sigh in my ear.

No ***. In fact,
Fully clothed.
Or mostly.

Just us.

All I want is to say my rhyme
In person.
And kiss your eyes as I do.

"Close your eyes. Left, then right. Goodnight, Starlight."

I dream of your voice constantly.
I can't hear words,
Just your voice.

Just you.

"A new person.
And she used to be
Me.

But...
Her hair is shorter..."


I've always wanted to be different.
I got sick of being compared to
Other girls that all acted and looked the same.

I CRAVED being different.
I craved being the weird one.
I craved doing something unexpected.

Because the world needs a splash of color.

And with that splash,
A ripple effect will come.


It's been my dream to influence others to be themselves,
To be different.

And this is my chance.
At least...

*For now.

With everything that has happened,
I need a hero.
Writing blindly doesn't help anymore.
I need a new hero, a new savior.
Explaining myself, My views,
Possibly going too far,
Dealing with my disorder, my disease, my destruction.
I need a safe haven.

I can only think of
Things to come.

And soon, my head pounds,
My hands shake, I talk faster
My voice shakes I can't
think i dont know what
todo howtofix it
idontknowanythingand...

I can feel it all.
In the left side of my brain,
A dull ache sounds,
A ringing and a buzzing.

Please end this.
Now.

My brain thinks.
My heart beats.
My limbs move.
My mouth speaks.

I want it to stop.
Or I want my brain to stop.
Or I want my heart to stop.
Or I want my body to stop.
Or any combination.

I'm alive, currently.
But I don't want to be.
Help...
*I'm Alive.

A young girl, looking for an adventure,
A silly soul not wanting to curse her.
A mind to die, inevitable at least,
Whom oft creates her inner manic beast.
To loves and lost ones, she spoke so dearly,
And told her stories to relate so nearly.
A premonition shows only in mind,
The world as is, not entirely kind.
The closest ones in their own little worlds,
And blind to Mother Earths kin, sprouting curls.
So tightly she held to wisdom she earned.
Preparing to lose the words she had learned.
Of ways she influenced, words recorded,
Then dying soon, angels wings worn and sordid.

amazinghowonewordcanmakemesway

A girl who danced and loved pink,
A girl who easily made friends,

A girl who changed at age 8.
Pink to black.
Koolaid to bitter tea.
Forgot about God because he was never there for her.

Suicide seemed a miracle then.
A solution for everything.
A girl who was sad but kept it hidden
From the ones who cared,
Hiding behind neon colors and pigtails.

Slowly coming out of her shell.
A girl who was judged.
People feared her, and for her.
They even told her.
Emo,
Goth,
Freak.
She learned these as compliments
And realized people are just ignorant.
They didn't understand what the words meant.

Either way, she hid again.

She is still trying to hide
Behind her colors and smiles.

*I* Am still trying to hide behind my colors and smiles.

I see your name and the beginning of your words

And I instantly am happy.

Your writing is the thing that keeps me going in school.
I reread everything five times
Knowing that it was your mind that thought them.

I cannot wait to read more.

Why can't everything be alright?
Why can't everything solve itself when it gets jumbled?
Why can't everything be just as it was before anyone turned the rumor mill?

I wish that people would not judge or twist words.
I wish that there was such a thing as peace.
I wish that dreams could come true.

How are people happy?
How do people laugh and dance?
How is it possible for light to enter a world full or darkness and lies?

I wish I could deal with the gossip and lies that are about me.
I wish I could understand people.
I wish I could be normal.

Why can't life be fair?
I wish that life would be fair.
How can life be fair?
I wish I could have a fair chance.

I've tried so hard not to breakdown this past week,
Not around my peers, my friends, my love.
But I failed.

I broke because my math teacher asked how I was doing.
She meant the assignment, but the words still got to me.