That is my new goal.
That day...

Have you thought at all about it?
What are you thinking?
You rarely tell me,
And it's okay.

I just hope you're looking forward to 10-26
As much as I am.

It is not three millimeters.
Or maybe it is
And its symbolic.
A short distance compared to
The mile that is my life.

No. Its the
Three Month Mark.
The thing I'm scared of.
Every time I've tried something,
And I've been happy,
It ends at three.
Three something.
Hours,
Days,
Weeks,
or Months.

We've passed a few of those,
But "months" is coming.
Fast.
I hope it's wrong.

In what world am I accepted?
I am my own being,
Capable of defending my introvert pride.
In what world am I not accepted?
I enjoy strange things,
Such as a dark room enjoys the rare flicker of light.
In what world am I accepted?
I only have one answer, but nothing but a theory shows  through it.
I belong nowhere.

Will you lose yourself in a maze with me?
A lot of steps and checkpoints,
Eight foot tall walls of corn stalks.
And secluded circles where the paths don't lead.

Split off from the rest of humanity,
Just us in that labyrinth.

Will you go with me?

Like all of my work
This poem
Is genius.

(Written by an awesome dude who is not kestrel and has not been or ever will be in any way, shape, or form.)

ifiamwhatieat.ieatpeanutsandalmonds.iamnuts

I am not afraid
To be real.
Just as long as I have Kestrel
To do it for me.
My alter-ego,
My twin,
My alias.
My name to most is unknown,
But they still know it.
They still know me,
*Kestrel

Knowing what and what not to say is painful,
never knowing the outcome.
Just be sure to expect the worst.
The wonder in our words unspoken
echo across exposed skin.
Trying to hide the truth may not be the way to go,
but can be inevitable if it wants to be found.

Sigh and empty your invisible wounds,
lay them in this kiss.
They will forever be forgotten
and never will be missed.

The pain felt by others may be my only weakness.
My empathy overpowering.
Used to hiding the emotions I steal
in strange looks and heated kisses
My mind and soul are hidden, even if not for long.
If only I could keep it from those who are there.

Sigh and empty your invisible wounds,
lay them in this kiss.
They will forever be forgotten
and never will be missed.

Time is passed as we  grow stronger,
but the agony we bare remains.
This confusion entices me, telling me to give in.
Who can I turn to?
What can i do?
Nothing is helping and i wont go to you.

This pain is mine alone.
Not for you to see.
my purpose now is to run
And make it all unknown.

You creep into my mind,
Leaking images of us
And how much I love you.
I wonder where you came from,
But then I realize...

You never left.

Time.
We need more time;
No sleepy eyes or scratchy contact lenses.
No interruptions or pain.
No curfews or plans for the next day.

I want to feel your skin under my fingertips
And kiss you until you shake.
I want to fall asleep on your shoulder
And (supposedly) murmur in my slumber.
I want to wake up to find you looking into my eyes,
A soft smile illuminating your face.
And I want to be able to say,
"Good morning, love."
Without it being a digital message.

I love you.

Sweetie, Dear, Honey Bunny.
I always will.
And I will dream of the day when
My wishes come true.

I listen to our music,
My cell phone on my shoulder
Waiting to buzz and give me your words.

But I will drift soon.

And when I do,
I will not respond to you.
But you will know I am dreaming of you.

Because I always am.

Never again will I stay away.

I've always felt lost. Unaccepted.
But that was before I had a family.
I have so many people that I know and don't;
You are my family.

My mother, my father, my brother.
They aren't real.
They never treated me like family.
Never told me they loved me and
Sounded like they meant it.
They are not real.


But, Sage, my love, you are.
But, Caitlyn, you are.
But, Logan, you are. (Both of you)
But, Miranda, you are.
But, Connor, you are.
And I can go on.

And this is high school...
Will it last?

Or will my family leave me?

I continue to worry
As time passes.

I think and think and think
AND I CAN'T FUCKINGNG TAKE IT ANY LONGER!!!!
----


I wonder what will happen.
When all of this ends.
Because my real family are
The ones who kept me here
And kept me sane.

And let me reach past everything that
Ate at me,
Burned me,
Killed me slowly
And rotted me from the inside out.

What will happen.

Will I move on,
Or will the suspense keep building.

It's addicting.
Your love, I mean.
Your touch.
And the way your body
Reacts to mine.

Our shudders and deep sighs.
Laughs and smiling kisses.
My lips on your skin.

And that face you make,
You know the one.

It all comes to mind and soon
To my body when you
Touch my bare skin.

I never said it.
You thought I did...
You think me a guanophiliac, apparently,
But there is no such thing.
I never said it...
Were on the phone
And you're singing it to me,
Growling,
Whispering.
Over.
And over
And over.
Why?
I NEVER Said it!

It seems like everything is perfect.
I am excited to wake up in the morning.
I want to leave the house.
I want to shop for pretty dresses to impress you.

And my heart jumps and my stomach drops
Every time you look at me.

You're right next door, but it doesn't matter.
I still wish you were here.
Because of you,
I have something to smile for.

So,
Apparently I'm to blame?
He broke apart your friendship
After you dated him.
Because it was awkward.
Not because I told him to.

Apparently I'm to blame?
He wanted a break from your *******
After you broke up with him for the second time
Because you were a ***** to him.
Not because I encouraged him to.

Apparently I'm to blame?
You were told lies and overreacted
After you found out you were a manipulative *****
Because someone like you told you so.
Not because I had a hand in it.

That was months ago.
And,
Now,
You want to hear my side?

It's too late, *****.
You messed up.
Not me.

We fight over the silliest things.
Such as a picture you don't like.

And it always Ends in one of us
Not being able to sleep.

This time,
It was me.
Or both of us,
But apparently "I ****"
Because when I finally agree to
Appease you after you give me the cold shoulder,
You feel guilty and can't sleep.
Seems a bit like ******* to me.
But at least it won't ruin us.
Will it?

My blood is
Red
Purple
Blue
Green
Yellow
Orange
Red.
My blood is red.
I wish for something else,
Maybe
Magenta
Lavender
Sky
Hell, even tangerine,
But no.
My blood is red.
Just like everyone else.

Exotic, ******, yet so normal.
And so right.

I only crave the feeling of you.
And somehow I know I'll get it.
Someday.
When we're ready.

Until then, I'll just dream.
Every night. Our souls entwined.
Sharing our fantasies.

All because I love the fire
You feed me.

See everything...


With your mind.


Nothing seen with the eyes is real.
Judgement isn't worth it.

Most are incomplete and misjudged.
Faceless and empty.
Broken and scarred.

All because of this impossibly physical reality.

Break your eyes
And reveal the true world.

dontspeakjustholdme.saveme.breatheme

"Sticks and stones may break my bones,
But words will never hurt me."
All parents and teachers say so,
But they are wrong.
And they know it.
I've heard it all.
Fake,
Emo,
Suicidal freak.
It's true.
I am, but
I don't want people to know.
That's why I wear my mask.
Everyone says it's beautiful,
But if they saw the horror underneath...

My mind is broken,
And if my mask is broken, too,
I'll prove it to you.

I have this lipstick.
It's burgundy,
My favorite.
You seem to like it, too.
Today it put it on,
Pretty and Perfect,
But now I have this feeling...

It is smeared.

As I lay crying,
The tears burn like acid.
Worse than holding my arm over
A candle flame
As I have done many times before.

It hurts to know that you've cried for me;
Because of me.
It feels good,
Hurting to pay you back
For things I've done.

That was last night.
Now my mind burns,
Wondering
If it will ever be the same.
If we are okay.

My mind burns more
Than my tears.

It hurts to burn
Like the witch...
No.

Like the ***** I am.

I really have to do something.
If I don't, I'll burst.

I can feel it swelling up,
Making my knees shake.

I have to ***...

Normally, coffee
gifts you with an energy
buzz. I am immune.

In the dark, reading by light.
I look away from the performance on the page
Just as thunder strikes.
The beat of my heart stops.

The light flashes from outside my window
And I am alive again.

I stand and see,
Draw my shades,
And sleep.
Forever.

Building walls gets tiring, you know?

I've had lots of practice, building
Brick, cement, sheet rock,
All types.
But they all come crashing down.

Someone must have started a
Demolition company...
They RUIN MY WORK!

I quit.
I just cant build anymore...
My hands are calloused,
My head is a jumbled mess,
And I have built the same wall
Too many times to count.

Because you knocked it down.

No matter how hard I cry.
No matter how loud I scream.
No matter how long I fight with myself.

I can't kick this in the ***.

I've been scared for a while.
Been counting down the days.
Three is still unlucky.

What if what happened was it?
The cause.
It changed something.
It seems like everything I say
Changes something.

I'm sorry.
I tried not to worry,
But I broke.
These thoughts are allspillingout
andIdon'tknowwhattodoand...
I just need to breathe.

Twelve days before the Third.
And I ******* up.
I don't know if that seemed
Like an argument,
But it scared me.





Dear Diary,
            Its been a while since I wrote to you. Its hard because you never reply... Even when I ask for advice. Putting that aside, I just need to know... Why is it always Three? I need that to change. I finally feel stable, and if Three takes that from me... I'll be lost. I know I might cause it this time, but even so, please please please keep Three at bay.

                                                                                                  Wish you well, please respond just this once.
                                                                                                                  *~Kestrel~

I'll be waiting for a second chance.
A way to correct my mistakes.
And a way to make it up to you,
Isis, Gaia.
Mother Earth.
I have counted the days
That you have been kind to me.
Calmed me or Enlightened me.
Gave me the knowledge I needed
To make it through.
Thank you,
Goddess.
You have showed me,
But I still await my rebirth.

I will not reach it in this lifetime.
But in my next, I will
Reach, Achieve
Enlightenment.

asleepingcryresurrectedcankill

I just got old and I wrapped
Your sweatshirt tighter around me.
It doesn't smell like you anymore,
It smells like me.

But knowing that it is yours
And that you wore it
Still gives me comfort.

But it doesn't matter.
I'm still going to give it back to you at the end of the day.

The reason it is my favorite shape:
It never ends.

And many things do.
Just as many things repeat.
Never ending conversations,
Never ending emotions,
Like the one I feel for him.
Never ending jokes from those who think themselves funny.
Never ending dread and mourning when someone is lost.
Never ending lessons tone taught and listened to.

The never ending life of a soul.
Everything repeats,
Everything is recycled,
Everything lives on,
And everything is born again.

It's just a piece of cloth,
A sweat shirt you wore today.
You handed it to me because I was cold,
And your scent lingers.

It warmed me immediately

But when I tried to give it back, you didn't take it.
And I just held it to my face, breathing you in.

Now I am lying in bed, wearing nothing but that and a pair of shorts.
I know I will dream of you tonight.

If I was a snake,
I'd wrap myself around you
And caresssss your sssskin with my forked tongue.
And love the way you react to
My cold, hard scales.

People pretend
to be okay,
or sad,
or normal.
To hide.
I see
truths
that might
be best left unsaid.
Colors tell me.
They are
encasing,
caressing the vessels
of souls.
Auras.
The energy that is
an open book
allows me
to read them.
Reality becomes
my sanctuary.
But I am
the only one there.
People pretend
to be okay,
or sad,
or normal.
To hide.
I see
truths
that might just
destroy them
in the end.

Different...*
That's all I can say.

I can only wish it gets better
And that these concrete walls
Are, somehow, torn down.

confusionistheonlyparasitetoeverentermybody

pullingaway.imeanttorelease

isitacrimetobesleepy

mylifeisweavedstitchbystitch

The pressure behind my eyes
Will not give.
But I know the dam is breaking.
I just need a push.
Someone to say something,
Or do something that makes me
Cry.

Something is different in school.

But what?

It could be that everything that has happened wasn't here
And that affects things, but somehow that doesn't seem right.

I don't know.

But it's affecting me,
And my words are taking a turn for the worst.

Are we fading?
I keep getting bad feelings,
But I wonder...
Is this just an aftermath
Of my previous worries?

You seem more tense,
Closed off...

I'll give you space,
But I'm worried. About you.
About what will happen.

I can't see the future,
But you can warn me.

And you can tell me.

I'm like you in that way.
I care more about others than I do myself.
And you are no exception.

Please tell me if you are alright?