I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just praying to a God that I don't believe in
Because I've got time but he's got freedom
And when a heart breaks it don't break even.
While I'm wide awake,
He has no trouble sleeping.
And when a heart breaks it don't break even.

What am I supposed to do
When the best part of me was always you?
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up
And you're all okay?
I'm falling to pieces.

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words are gonna stop the bleeding
And when a heart breaks it don't break even.
I'm falling to pieces.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Praying to a God that I don't believe in.
I've got time but you've got freedom,
And when a heart breaks it don't break even.

This is a tribute. A goodbye letter, whatever you wanna call it. A thank you, I guess. Thankyou for saving me. Thank you for keeping me. Thank you for watching over me and teaching me and preaching to me and thankyou, thankyou, thankyou for making me see that I was gifted with a life. This is for you. Everything I do, everything I write, everything I say, is for you.
One month ago tomorrow, you died.
One month ago tomorrow, I checked my email expecting to find some spam mail and a few notifications about something I didn't really care about, maybe even a reply from that person I emailed a while ago.
One month ago tomorrow, I checked my email and found an email from your mom saying that you were so sorry, so so sorry, but that you had passed.
One month ago tomorrow, I collapsed on the floor and mourned for the loss of my best friend, my soul mate.
One month ago the day after tomorrow, I walked into school and I kept my cool but I saw you there in front of me. I could put you there and I could see you and I could hear you and you haunted me and my friends all said "You're different."
That day, I had an anxiety attack and went home because I COULDN'T handle it.
Tomorrow, I will walk into school and I will keep my cool but inside I will be dying and sobbing and weeping and mourning for the loss of you.
Tomorrow, I will sit in the same place I did one month ago the day after tomorrow and stare into nothing and see you and hear you and smell you and my friends will say "you're different".
Tomorrow, I might have an anxiety attack. I might go home but I will try not to. I CAN handle it.
When we first met, you told me your worst fear was that you were afraid to die.
3 months ago, you slit your wrists and by the time you realised what you were doing and sane enough to stop you tried to save yourself.
You succeeded.
You got better.
1 month ago tomorrow, you died of natural causes.
We were supposed to become psychologists together and go to New York and study at the same university and open a private practice, where did that end up at?
Goodbye, and thank you, and I'm sorry I didn't say I love you enough, and I'm sorry I didn't take more pictures, and I'm sorry I didn't say what I wanted to say, and I'm sorry we fought, and I'm sorry we wasted so much time planning for a tomorrow we were never going to have.

Every night, I lay down to bed and I close my eyes and I
Don't sleep.
I toss and I turn and I roll and I churn and I
Don't sleep.
So eventually I make up my mind and I decide to abide
To my hearts deep wishes and cries
So I open my eyes and I place you right next to me
Kiss you goodnight and say "You know, we were meant to be"
Make up your arms around my waist and close my eyes tight
Pretend to feel you on my shoulder, bite
and scratch and love
And now I am crying because I can see
That you aren't and you never will really be next to me
Not even in my head, or my heart, or my soul
I'm alone
And I sleep.
I cry myself to sleep.

When I look at you
I see diamonds in the sky.
Shining in your black, mischievous eyes,
Diamonds.
Like the lost hopes and dreams of lovers that have long since given up
Like the broken pieces of souls left behind by the ruined
Like the blood that drips from the ones who try to get rid of the pain, but don't know how
Like the smile I smile when you smile at me
Like the laugh I laugh when you laugh with me
But this is me, and this is you, and we are who we are
And we cannot love
So I gather your diamonds and make of them a statue
Rising up, a sparkling beauty fit for a queen
I pull my hands back and shove them against the side
Of the diamonds I stole from the sky
The statue shattered and fell to the
Ground, tinkling like pieces of falling stars.

I have a strange mind, you see.
I know that I might be weird
And that's Okay.
But you see, I can make myself believe
That you are somewhere near, you see.
I can make myself believe
That you are a bit in love with me.
And I can make myself believe
That you and I were meant to be.
And for a second, I can make myself really, truly believe
That you woke up to see me
And you walked up the stairs for me
And you came into class for me
And you came to line up for me
But then reality comes.
And
Everything comes crashing back
Twinkling down, like glass
Or like stars falling from the sky
Jumping after their lovers
Shining through the darkness.

My best friend often asks me why I wait for you.
I always say, "waiting? what on earth are you talking about, muppet?"
But on the inside I know I am waiting.
Waiting for you to come by and rescue me,
Waiting for you to come out of your room and walk me to the car,
Waiting for you to park up and say "good morning",
Waiting for your cologne to waft past me and make me cry,
Waiting for you to kiss me, even though we both know you can't,
Waiting for you to love me, even though you never will,
Waiting to see you, simply because,
Waiting for you to finally realise
That I'm irrevocably in love with you.
Will you have me? Please?
I'll wait for you forever.

As I watched you walk
With your hands in your pockets
Alone and lonely
But seemingly peaceful
I thought
His fingers need me.
I didn't mean the *****, sultry, perverted kind,
I meant they needed my fingers
So they wouldn't be alone.
So I came up to you
And I walked next to you
As you looked down at me,
Amused, confused,
I gently took your wrist out of your pocket
And threaded your fingers through mine.
And you protested, and you tugged, and you pulled
But I said
*"I heard your fingers, calling me, and you need my fingers, so please let me be."