Nice people
Make my heart
Hurt

It is childish
I know
But I cannot help but
Think this way

Humans befuddle me
I befuddle myself
I wonder if that makes me human.

Today -
It is a Winter's day
But
The sun is burning so brightly
It sears my eyes
The temperature is perfect
The weather
Is reminiscent of Spring

Today -  
I buried someone
All clothed in black
And weariness

Today
*I buried myself

A half-remembered face
But so many important memories
What happened to all of them?
What makes me forget
The other
Half of this face?

I know you imagine me to be strong
Build me up in this image
Of a person with attitude, guts
Too much anger, too headstrong
Too much of a stereotype,
Too much of a misfit

But I don't ask that you think differently
You see I am sort of used to people walking away
And I had rather you see me as infallible
Than as something to be pitied, as someone vulnerable
To their cheap attacks, to your barbed remarks
I wish that you would- could - understand
That I am something terribly moody
But I can be good. Yes, I am good

I can be better if you'd listen to me
Let me in but don't demand too much from me
I will try to leave everything undisturbed
Heal a scar or two then walk out from your heart
Without having occupied any position of interest
Or importance

I wouldn't mind. I have been relegated to the background
once again
But I am infallible

My scars aren't meant to be pitied
Or sympathized with
I hate that you think you can understand
When you don't
I don't care about what you've been through
Until you've been with me for years
You've seen all that I have to offer
Because believe me
I'd never trust anyone with everything
If they haven't even been around that long

Some might think this is all there is to it
But I can tell you that there are a million things
Left to learn about me
So wait. Calm yourself. Let us be but don't just let me be
Don't rush for me, don't slow down for me
Just let me walk at my own pace but if you see me falter,
Then check if I'm fine. Make it known that you care
Believe me it helps when I'm with a blade.
You don't know how the simple gestures affect me

How they shake the ground beneath my feet
How they make me smile
How my world changes

So please. Just care for me. But don't ask- demand- too much of Me
Don't put me up on some pedestal, don't think of me as fragile
My scars, the ones I will slowly begin to show to you,
Aren't indicators of that.
I am proud of them- intensely proud
I've fought and I've died a million times on the inside
I've cried and I hated myself the most through these years

(I used to tell myself those barbed remarks
Every single criticism, I would sit up and repeat it to myself
So that I never got ahead of myself
Everything they said, how much they didn't like me,
Didn't care for me.
I sat up and repeated all of that to myself
Every. God. ****. Night.
Hoping someone would call just so I'd have an excuse to quit
But no one ever did -was ever up, ever available- at such times
So I'd just continue)

Despite everything, inspite of everything
I stopped. I had the strength- with or without
Anyone- anyone- being there
Respect- love- me a little bit for it
Hate that I do this to myself
Tearing into myself,
Tearing myself down into such tiny pieces
Making myself into this small entity
Hate it. Detest it. Loathe it.

Tell me that.

But never stop telling me
Don't do that blindly though
Please listen to me as well
Don't blind yourself to how
I am marginally better everyday
Even if there are so manymany setbacks
Be honest with me
I wouldn't care if you talked badly of me then
Because I'd know that you truly loved me then
(yes. yes, i would)

So please. Just give yourself
Just give me  
A chance to be who I am around you
Don't expect it to happen too fast
I swear I'll be there by your side
If you called for me
I'd always look out for you
I would stick up for you
When your lover wouldn't do that either
Don't be afraid of how different
And moody I am
I'll always be there for you
Just call me
And give us time-time-time

A time for farewell, a time for greeting.
The year passes and the new one starts.
Nothing spectacular, just ticking by,
Oh time. We're at the edge of the calendar.
Do slow down for a week, a day, an hour, a moment
As the time for farewell draws closer,
I wish you were closer.

Saturn might have lost it's rings
But I? I have lost my wings when I needed it most.
When I needed it, help abandoned me, people shunned me
I was left alone with nothing but space for company.
It's just beginning to become chilly

The air hardly makes goosebumps rise on anyone's skin
The reason for my goosebumps are different, you see.
I realised today with dread, that it was time.
Time to bid farewell to familiar friendly acquaintances,
Time to greet new, unknown faces of possible enemies.

A truce is over, another needs to be sought out.
A way out, a light to read the fine print by.
A truce just provides bare protection
End of an eventful year and too many things best forgotten.

In a few months, the worst will be upon me
After all, it's a cycle. It brings you high one second,
And the next you go tumbling down. Nothing could be stranger
Or more righteous than this cycle.

The edge of the calendar draws closer.
Saturn will barely be affected, on its way around the Sun.
Us mere Earthlings suffer as our year draws to an end

A time to die, a time to be born.
A time to laugh, a time to cry
Never a time for redemption.