After some time,
You know that
They don't
They can't
Understand  
That scars like these...
They don't go away
They don't fade
They come knocking
At midnight to tell you
About how they've
Festered for so long
Even after, you talk them out
Resolve them, lay them to sleep
They revisit you, dragging you back
To memories best forgotten
Touches burnt on your skin
Half-remembered words,
Hateful, disgusted expressions
Cheapened expressions
That make your soul unclean

Ordinary, everyday people
Could never understand  
Why you need to look away
Fidget so much, the hidden
Violence with which you **** back
When someone touches
Upon such sensitive issues
Maybe you talk it over with them
Once, perhaps, and then they think
That it is gone, it is laid to rest
But what they fail to realise
Is that it comes back, creeping
Crawling, taking you over again
They'll turn away, disgusted
Because they don't know the
Impacts of long-term exposure
To slow poisoning of heart, veins, lungs

And they'll turn away
Repulsed, disinterested
When you come crying
Begging for some help
Some solitude
Because you can never
Make them feel  
The pent-up emotions
Over a decade
The unseen scars
These little things
Have left you with
They will not see
The confusing mixed
Messages being sent
By those other people
They will not understand
That you're not looking
For something you've
Lost, right there,
Sitting on the ground,
Almost helplessly,
On your knees

In fact, you're looking
For something
That was never yours
To have in the first place
(peace, solitude,
no more loneliness,
no more emptiness)

Something
you have
(never had)
Permanently
Lost

Boring clothes
Quiet unvoiced thoughts
Loud voice
Loud presence

Aah, I love the cold
Almost harsh, or really harsh
Winter months
I love walking then
Walking alone
For miles and miles
Minutes and hours
I could keep walking
If there weren't parents
To reassure, a family,
A warm home to go back to
A dragging commitment
That is binding in every
Single link I've ever made

I could keep walking otherwise
Just a light jacket, hardly appropriate
For the weather, the temperature
Numbed by the chill
The soles of my feet sting
My feet wrinkled, grated against
My sandals, hardly sufficient
Completely dry skin, also cold
Almost too numb, maybe too corpse-like
No socks, no scarves, no gloves
No caps, no protection
Because protection is only needed
When there is an enemy

I could stay like this forever
A thought strikes me while I walk
That maybe this hopeless love
Exists solely because I am the closest
The closest I can be to being me
As I walk, and hide, and revel
Maybe even reveal Me

I silently lose myself in contemplation
Because the days are shorter
There is more space, more time to hide myself
Under warm blankets, comfortable clothes,
A cup of hot chocolate, in the cold starry nights
The sting on my cheek
That I lightly touch, can be disguised
Explained away as the caress of the cold wind

This loneliness that grows inside me
It is already so tired
Of seeing people walk away
That it is too tired, too weary
To talk to anyone, so it hides
Underneath the surface,
Appearing so much more closer
Than it ever has in these few months

I am raw, almost bleeding,
Waiting for the stars to come out
Just so they can shine on me
Over my head, down on me
With me, maybe even communicate with me
I'll pick up my drink
Acknowledge their presence
And drink to them and their beauty
Their unimaginable beauty that Always,
Without Fail, takes my breath away
My self rubs against my facade
So raw but it doesn't even matter
It is the closest to the surface
As I raise my drink and almost imagine
Myself in this lonely cold urbanscape
With all the scars, every **** thing
Not a thing out of place,
I almost imagine myself beautiful*
Revitalised but then this self withdraws
Back insideinsideinside
My facade still rubbed raw

Ah, but what a beautiful time
The cold times on the terrace
The chilling walks down nostalgia lane
No more brown leaves
Just a mere peak here and there
Like a little troublemaker
Waiting for me to go away again

*Winter is... truly one of my favourite seasons

I detest those *******
Who dare to think
Dare to presume
They know me after
Talking to me
For just three weeks
I detest those *******
Who think they have
Any demand, any right
To my time and attention
I hate the fact that
These *******
Seem to think that my
Primary concern
Should be their welfare
Their state of mind
But presumptions like these
They only serve
To help me sever
Whatever relation or connection
I had with them
I am not here to amuse
Entertain or look after
Their well-being
We are hardly good friends
How dare you even think
That I would care
Or that I would have to care

You can take your attitude
And your sheer stupidity
And shove it up your ***

Do you want me to lie and say I am fine? |  ^_^
No, I'm not okay. But I will be.                   | :P
(ah, the brilliance of mixed messages)
I will pick the pieces off the floor
I will mend my own heart
Open up my scars again
Let them bleed out once more
I'll heal them again
With my own strength
Maybe I'll frown, cry, get depressed
Maybe even contemplate suicide
But there's no cure for this
Unless it comes from
My own two hands
So I'll take them, set them to work
I'll make my scars scab over
Through sheer willpower alone
Don't you dare look at me
With those curious eyes
It just makes me want
To slap you even more
Don't give me your pity,
Your sympathy
They are all worthless because
Neither could mend this broken heart
I'll clean up after myself
I will set to right what I did wrong
And if I can't, then I'll carry
That cross heavy on my back
I will pick up all those little
Shards of myself lying on the floor
Any molecules of the element Me
That have wandered away
I will attract back
If not, I'll chase them
So they can form a complete Me again
I will shovel myself a grave
But I'll do it standing strong
I'll falter, but my determination
It burns, it sears
It might not be a forest fire
But it's candle light,
Just enough to see by
Thank you very much and
Now you can show yourself out
It's nothing personal
I just need to do this myself

Don't you ever wonder where we went so wrong,
How we went so wrong,
When we went so wrong
To go as far as to condemn someone
For doing what we would have done in a heartbeat
A millennium ago?
Don't you take some time off to wonder
When the lines between justice and hypocrisy
Became so blurred? When justice became just
Another tool to be used to shut the masses up.
When justice was used as an excuse to draw
Wool over our eyes.
My words of course, don't rhyme
They just convey what we wish we
Could say to the faces of those
Who do these wrongs.
But every single, little time,
We draw back. Due to fear of
God-knows-what. Maybe sticks,
Maybe stones, maybe feuds,
Maybe because the one in the
Mirror would call us fools for
Even trying, maybe because
One day we will be the same.