1 Hour.
The first of many.
An hour alone with him.

Talking with me
Smiling and laughing
All of his quirks
Without anyone else stealing his gaze

I get to bask in all of him
And show him
What being with me is like

1 Hour
To show him how to fall in love

Who do you listen to you? Your heart or the people that have control of everything in your life....

891 days. 891 more days of being the owner of opinions and ideas that will go unheard. 891 more nights of sleeping in a place that I will never own. 891 more days of being a guiding older sister, and an unfortunately human daughter (key word human). Yes I have ideas, I am my own person, and yes I want to do things. Listen to me and value my voiced ideas as you would any other, and I will respect you. Force me into a mold of someone I am not, I will return what you throw in my face. I have problems and I am free to decide what I will do with them. You can restrict my body, but I assure you, you will never control my thoughts; my mind. Actions and words are easy to forget, but feelings, emotions, ideas…what constitutes the being of a person, cannot be erased from the mind. And the beauty of the true feelings of an individual is the ability for one to be able to choose who to share their true form with. If now I cannot, fighting and prying at me will only close me off further from your grasp. I have many sides and many personalities if I don’t trust you I will put on a mask, and I will only remove it when trust is earned or my spirit breaks.

891 more days of useless titles. Brother, sister, father, mother; useless. There's a biological relationship, sure, but family is not made up of pure science. People you can trust communicate with, share ideas and feelings with; that instinct to help when you know when someone is hurting, this constitutes a family. Love. Love is not forced, love is not created; much like trust love is earned and grown over time. One cannot decide that today a family will be made…forcing communication will only drive people further apart. Love grows when the conditions are right and that requires probably the most valuable thing us humans will experience in our life, time.

891 days until I am free. 891 days until I can be me. 891 days to learn, to grow, to cry, to laugh, and learn to show… show people who I really am. But like I said, everything takes time.

A ceramic cup pressed to my lips
Hot tea steaming below my tounge
A breath of warm summer air fills my lungs soon followed by green tea
The season is joyous
The cicadas sing
And the lightning bugs mate
But my throat is tight
I grip my tea and take another sip
Three months of relaxation by the pool
Yet the only thing I can worry about is the looming fall
68, 67, 66, 65... And the numbers continually drop with every sunset
Fall draws closer everyday
But instead of the warm welcome of school time once more
The changing of the seasons also changes my life
Senior
I sip my tea as the anxiety grows
College college college
That's all I can think of
All of my friends will leave but it's alright
My cup is empty
He's leaving.
I have to face real world problems alone and worry about what his school will bring at the same time
He's changing for his own good. He's following his dreams
I'm happy and envious of him
But I cry because it's all too much
It's summer and I can't even enjoy the night sky
He's going to find someone else
It's okay I tell myself
It's okay he tells me
What will happen will happen
But memories of all the good times shared burn my mind
And the tears stream down my cheeks
It's okay he says
We can make it he says
Part of me wants to believe it, he and I have talked everything out
But another part of me says to break it off now.
Why risk getting hurt when he leaves you for someone else?
No other college relationship works, you're just a stupid high school girlfriend

My conscious fights over this endlessly but he still tells me it's okay
I just want the anxiety to end
The lightning bugs fade
And the cicadas go silent
Tortured sleep comes to me once more under the beautiful night sky

Let the rain clean my skin
Wash away the thoughts of yesterday
Make me new

The sun rises slowly
And sleep takes me away
A clock without a battery
I'm broken

You cannot tell the heart what to do
But acting without feeling is a sin in itself
Tell me what to do
Wash my skin
Make me new again

Tears burn the cuts of yesterday
And glide over the bruises you don't see
Relight our fire
Help me fix this

Thunder rolls
There's no escaping this storm
Let tomorrow bring sunshine
Wipe yesterday away

Please

Sitting waiting alone in the cold
The coffee stale
A ghost of its prime
She sits holding the cup hiding her tears
As he walks by
Thinking of what could've been
Hows a flower to bloom if you wont give it a chance?
As the winter freezes her heart once more

I've decided to start the year anew and try to figure out my problems.
Complaining at this moment in time has become redundant. For the only problem I feel is one I have created for myself. Not being able to let go, move on, I am carrying a flaw because I have become attached to. My last known friend who I can truly open up to. I am deeply conflicted with my own thoughts and don’t know where to start to fix this problem, that I have again created for myself.
To start off, I abuse him. Emotional of course, and not intentionally, but abuse none the less. Perhaps I'm subconsciously pushing him away because it’s better for him in the long run. The deeply ingrained flaws in my diverse personality are openly seen when reacting with his nature. When this has occurred with others I’ve simply distanced myself from them, allowing for my weaknesses not to be exposed… but he genuinely cares. As in basic human nature I am drawn to others that care. The romantic way no (not any more at least), for even if I wanted to love him I could not; having all guards down for another requires trust, trust only family can gain. As having only one person worthy of understanding me, well trying to at least, all the burdens are laid on him. It’s such a cruel fate but I could not help myself… before the worst of me came to light I attempted to bring some source of happiness into his life. This was a success thankfully, a beautiful and smiling ray of sunshine. Unfortunately I have come to hate this new relationship, leading to even more confliction. He deserves to be happy, but I crave his guidance and compassion. This almost primitive feeling of replacement and resentment arises, although I have already accepted him as brother, I don’t understand. Furthermore she’s the pretty girl my mind will never allow me to be. I can’t comprehend her thoughts, how can she be so happy, shallow, blind, loveable… how can she be so simple. Perhaps this is a portion of the problem, part of me longs to be more alike to her while the other resent her simplicity. Who knows, surely not I. What annoys me further is my lack of ability to explain. Trying to word all of this to him in a manner where he sees my true meaning…close to impossible. Such confliction of the mind, I see both sides and debate myself over what’s right, impossible to describe unless it is experienced. Individually I love them both, but together… I'm envious of their blind love. To experience to walk into another trap, too young to find it for real; that middle ground where options are few. Going over these things my own self-loathing increases, multiple opinions allow for one to distance herself from her own actions and analyze actions…locate the source of the problems. But here there are too many all pointing back at the ‘victim’. To cry for help when one is creating her own problems… such weakness. Do I set the one closest to understanding me free? Or continue on ignoring the cries… accepting they are a creation of my own mind. Such conflictions.

Of course
Its the soft spoken boy
Who happens to be dancing away
With her fragile heart
The allure is gone
As the crisp rain beats down
And washes away the sparkling
Dreams she had about him
Dancing the night away
Just once
But she can’t have what she wants
She’s so spoiled

Gentler then the sweet spring rain
And bolder than the thunder storms that follow
With the hue of a freshly awakened flower,
That has the courage to dance with the elements,
She takes center-stage of the room.
Bearing the most captivating outfit she could throw together
The beauty that surrounds her cannot be described with mere mortal words
For she has transformed herself into a goddess
A gift of nature
Such an uncommon sight, seeing this woman carry herself with such grace
One would be lead to believe she is searching for attention
But the opposite is true
For holding onto her arm, her most prized-possession,
A man of simple taste that treats her like a princess.
She is not dressing up for her own pleasure but for his
Showing her beauty off to the world
And letting them all know he is worthy of such a girl

There will be no sunrise, without a sunset
There would be no life, if there was no death
To live is to love
And to love is to live
What would be life if there was no love to give?

I gave up on love,
And my world… it was blue.
But then of course
I stumbled upon you
You saw something in me
And took me to be
You’re player 2

I find this hard to believe
Even harder to say
But from your nerdy quirks
To flirty looks
I find myself falling deeper in love with you
Each and every day

You’re the guy for me
That’s really all I had to say,
But I hope that you’re having
A great Valentine’s Day

<3 Me

This feeling he gives me
Truly it is new.
A discovery
A finding
But one that can't be proved

There is no explination
There is no proof of flaw.
But his motives can't be explained
By any natural law.

His emotions are  not testable
His feelings are unknown
To understand the thoughts this boy has about me
A challenge I must face alone

The summer moon glistens white rays,
After an endless day of sweltering heat kissed the Earth
The sweet scent of thick cut grass flows in the breeze
As dancing fireflies and adventurous souls travel in the night
The music of the stars fills the young heart with visions
Of different worlds far across the oceans in the east
Filled to the brim with warm internal thoughts
With only a smile upon her face to prove it
Her heart races as she longs
To see everything under the sun
Hand in hand with her lover

He sings a song
To me
Alone
For ones love for another
Should be known

But words so carefully
Written and sung
Can never be interpreted correctly
By one

What do they all mean?
What is he trying to say?
Or are the words he sings all part of a game...

The motive he has I do not know.
But tomorrow again I will go
And talk with my sweet finch
Trying to unravel his feelings.
Without scaring him away.

I shuffled down the hallway
Trying to stay out of view
Peeking down the walkway
To catch a glimpse of you

But just as i heard you laugh
You looked over my way
I was smiling in a dreamy trance
As our eyes met that day

Your beautiful ocean hue
Made it hard to look away
But I broke the gaze and knew
Id see them once more that night when I lay.

I blushed and we both passed
He smiled and turned to leave
I looked back for one time last
To find him looking at me.

The one who you long for
Evades your eye
You talk to him like nothing
Has changed between you two.
And yet you know,
Deep in the labyrinth
of your aching heart,
You long for this boy like no other.
Ignore these feelings, its the only choice you have.
So ignore them you shall.
Until of course he wants you in return,
Once more.

Soupy slurred words slide from her lips and drip to the floor,
Mixing in with the pool of regurgitated gin and tonic.
Her mouth is bitter but her thoughts are true;
Only the drunk can tell the truth.
Her incoherent words fall to the floor followed closely by her slouched figure and salty tears.
She sleeps on the bathroom floor,
Soaked in the mess she's created.

Wrapped in your embrace
Drunk on your scent
Trapped in your eyes
My hands around your neck
You say you have to leave
Robin's calling her Finch
So you start to lean in
For a goodnight kiss

I get all confused
I loose my cool
You want a simple peck
And I was going for more
The moment still happened
Your face so close to mine
I stand there dazed and confused
...Well there's always next time.

It's so funny how everything in this life can seem so small when looking into infinity. How things held so high in everyday life are useless when looked at from a stars perspective. Problems... money... what does it all really matter if your still living? It gets scary when you look at life from this perspective, you are living right now but if tomorrow you were to cease existing... what have you done with your life? Tangible things have no value, and that college degree on your wall does not equal happiness. People live their entire lives seeking to succeed in useless objectives, when in reality none of it matters. Live in the moment, live now, be happy. For that is life. Emotion. Nobody can feel it but you, but it can change the world around you. Why endure relationships that cause you nothing but pain? Why are you punching that clock when there is so much more to life then just that? Im not saying drop out, quit your job, and live on the side of the road... I just need people to realize that you can irradiate things in your life that cause oneself pain. Go and lay out under the stars and listen to the songs of the universe. The stars have been around far before our time and will surely exist even when we do not. Stop wasting time worrying about things that don't matter and just enjoy life. Do not live in such a way that you are pleasing others, that isn't living at all. Find yourself, chase after your dreams, voice your opinions, and smile. Be happy, be free, be yourself; for that is all you can be.

The sun setting in the East
Sparkling silver lining spread
Across the edges of color
Layering the clementine sky
Creamy daisy,
Heating up to orange,
Then the red-hot center.
Cooled only by the expanse of salty spray
Allowing for the mellow shades of
Rosy pink cheeks
To flush the clouds,
Then shy away into a lavender
And sapphire night sky
The iridescent shimmering
Lunar bliss.

I asked if it was night
and he replied ney
he untied my blindfold
and showed me the day.
The dead leaves around me
contrasted the sky
but amongst them appeared and adorable guy
He asked for my hand
a date would you please
I froze and said yes
may love set us free

If I am a fish,
And the world is the sea.
Then I need to go swimming
To find another fish,
One meant for me.

Pain
A single word
Short and sweet like the events that
Precede the emotion
An emotion
Invisible to all eyes
Except the one it is home to
Eyes that are as blue as the ocean
And as captivating.
They have to be mysterious
Deep, dark, and elusive
Eyes the
Window into ones heart
Not mine though.
My eyes lie
Deep enough to drown
To drown the emotion in
Dark enough to hide
The tears that rain down
To wash away the pain
They lie to save others the
Pain, of bearing my blue memories
Eluding others
Who are too blind to see the tears
Hidden in my dark hue

Why must we be so
Imperfect. Shallow beings
It only causes more pain.

An eternal hunting ground
Of memories
Fresh with the day's discoveries
Thrown all around
Buried in the depths
Only when being orgnaized
Are the puzzle pieces found.
A fragment here
A shard there
Broken dreams hidden in the mysterious shroud of
Splattered blue
Only when the messy discard of thoughts is organized
Can the door to the future
Be formed
From misellaneous thoughts
Collectively pointing down the right path

Soft, pink, and fragile
The wild-flower does grow
Against the current

Gray and faded
Cold crisp edges
The crunchy of fallen leaves under our feet
The only warmth found here is a
Chic charcoal coast fastened with bulky brown buttons
My milky vanilla bean coffee
And your hand holding my own
A shy smile given to me as you glance over
And brush the hair out of my face
That had been misplaced by the cold winds
In that moment
The clouded skies and birds heading south
The foreboding winds and icy water filled with fallen gray hues,
Even the scent of my favored drink
Escaped me as time froze
In the dark world around me the only color i found,
Was deep within those espresso bean eyes.
Captivated in that moment, I couldn't move
As his soft lips embraced my own
Oh sweet satisfaction.
Just as i went to kiss his back
I shuddered awake.

As hard as I try
My moves only push him farther away,
So it seems... but perhaps I am mistaken?

While he hasn’t the slightest hint
That the smallest act of acknowledgement
Would send my heart soaring
Away from the voices of roaring tongues
In the mouths
Of people who misunderstand

The silent melodies
Of his still lips
Only makes me wonder more

Dreaming of when the morning comes,
Will I be awake to see the sun?
Or will the hazy, dreamy world of slumber
Have captured my thoughts by then?
Dragging me into subconscious.

A monotone voice says no school today
Followed by a hazy sleepy stumble,
Back to sleep right away
Warm sheets embrace me and
Lull back the dreams,
I get comfortable
Allowing for blankets to surround my form
Hold me close,
As no one else can...

No longer the frigged winter but on a beach far far away
The day comes to its end and the sky begins to blush
As the sun kisses her cheek, goodnight
Sand in my toes a lofty breeze in my hair
What more perfect a moment than being free in the summer air?
My subconscious ponders
My heart begins to sting
I am alone.

And so I emerge from my slumber,
For the boy of my dreams cannot be found when I'm asleep.

A snowflake blowing in the wind
A faint being travelling under the wintry sky
The songs of a foreign world
Landing and kissing the head
Of someone who was expecting nothing of this sort.

An idea.
Rare and complete,
In full bloom,
Premature.
For the bright days of spring have yet to gift this idea life
But it sticks still
Deep in the mind
Of the unwary girl.
An idea,
Individual and unique
Much like the snow that falls.

The stars whisper secrets of the universe
To comfort her premature feelings.
Ahead of her time,
Aged beyond years.
Catching snowflakes meant for someone else.

I lay there,

Hand entangled with his

And we watch

As the specks of light go in and out of visibility,

Too this day I question if,

They really are just masses of fire in the night sky

Or passed on souls smiling

On young lovers such as him and I

White dust seems to come in with the breeze

Slowly as first then we watched

As the moonlight danced in the wind above our heads

Time began to freeze

He gazed down at my head resting on his chest

Soft hands moved golden hair out of my face then

A gentle kiss is shared

Though the night was cold

I could feel the spark in my heart

Warm every inch of my being

Although it could’ve just as easily

Been his arms wrapped around me

I open my eyes

Regretting my very actions

Alarm clock blaring

I try to forget the dream I awoke from

Coming to an end
But hey all good things must
Short and memorable like a song.
Even after it's over the words
Echo in your mind.
Leaving you wishing you could hear
It once more.
to fall asleep with your
Headophones on, that one song on repeat but
No matter what you do
Deep in your heart you know
No other song can satisfy the cravings
You cry
Alas it was a song on the radio
Streaming through the hazy summer day
A name you never caught
Looking back with longing
You hope to find that song once more

With skin of satin and heart of glass
The dancer watches the seasons pass
The crisp winter air has gone away
Leaving summer an empty stage

Her hair is long
Her body tired
For she has long awaited summers hour

The day is light, life leaps through the sky
Bringing forth flowers and bright butterflies

The nights are warm
A speckled sky
The orchestra plays, natures guide

She stands to dance
Her eyes are blue
But alas she has lost her dancing shoes

The moonlight dances in her eyes
Reflecting the light as she cries

A morning bird calls
And the sun rises in search of the wonderful music
Light pours over the dark world
But instead of finding the source of the noise
The blinding light peers into a secret world
Built by two lovers deep in the night

Two awake from a blissful dream
And realize they've been exposed.
The sun continues to rise
The bird continues to sing
And the two lovers get separated
In their blinded stumble
Abandoning the place that was secret no more

The sun begins to burn their fragile skin
And tears well up in her eyes.
The forest offers her cover,
And in the shadows she collects her thoughts
Allowing for emotions to build.

Nothing can rebuild the safe place they shared,
Not even a river of tears can bring back the night.
Not even a broken heart could bring him back.
And as her world falls down around her,
The vengeance she craves is soon satisfied.

The sun stopped searching for the sound
And the world fell silent

Walking away under the setting sun
The morning bird sings no more.

A rose
Given to a lover in a time
Full of joyous happy days spent together
All the while she watches the beautiful symbol of love
Wilt on her window sill
Memories come flooding back of him.
And all they love they shared together.
Months pass by
He is no longer her's.
She hides the rose from her right.
New lovers come and go
Just as the seasons pass by
She finds it one day,
Crisp, fragile, and aged
Time has not hindered its beauty.
Once more she is reminded
Of the love that died.

The iridescent moonlight glistens on the wet sand of the shore

Cold, salty water licks at my toes as I walk

My legs resist moving as they cry out in pain from running

But I ignore the discomfort and continue on my way

My legs are used to running

I’ve had to run for as long as I can remember,

Away from all the pain and rejection in my life

Other times I’ve had to returned home

To the same hate and lack of understanding thrown in my face

I’ve always had to stay there because I had nowhere else to go

But this time it’s different

This time I’ve run farther than I ever imagined I would,

To a secret place only a lucky few will ever find

I was told about this sanctuary

But never truly believed it existed

Unrealistic, like a dream, I was certain I would never find it

Yet here I stand on miles of beautiful beach, far away from home, alone with my thoughts

So far away that no emotions can cause me pain here

A cool ocean breeze makes me shiver as I finally regain my breath

Waves crash only a few feet away from me

Salty air sprays in my face

I glance up at the moon and stare for a few moments before continuing on my way

A hand slips into mine and I whip around in shock

The moonlight shows me an angelic form

Soft brown locks blow in the wind as hazel eyes stare into my own

My heart starts beating faster and faster

I am dazed, confused, tripping over my own words

Love, but it can’t be

A mistake surely…

For no one has ever loved me

I try to speak but white crashing water takes away my words

And leaves me with my thoughts

I have been running all my life, and I have found the sanctuary,

But how is this boy leaving me feeling more complete

Than I ever was lost in my subconscious?

My thoughts are broken

His hand leads me by the water’s edge

A cloud of logic returns

“This can’t be real” “You don’t deserve him”

Words of reason begin racing through my mind

And he stops once more

His hand neatens a piece of my hair blown by the breeze

My heart beats again faster, faster, and faster yet

And before I realize it he has left me with a kiss

The words “catch me if you can” linger in the air

A smile creases my face, the first genuine smile I’ve had in a long time

I ignore my thoughts and listen to my heart,

As I chase down the handsome boy that has left me questioning everything

I slow down and loose his tracks as the beach ends

I am left alone with palm trees and sand dunes

My thoughts catch up with me and I panic

And just as I begin to believe this all was fabled up in my mind

An unseen force tackles me to the sand

On my cheek kiss after sweet kiss

Until I can bear it no longer and kiss him in return

I feel my life flash before my eyes

Every memory, every last painful memory is relived

And I bury myself in his arms to hide from the pain

I am left bewildered, wondering why I am so saddened

Then it cuts me like a knife

But pain runs deeper than cuts, pain is in the mind

I realize I have never felt such sincere compassion before

Not from friends, family,

As this new sensation runs through my veins

His strong arms carry me away from the shore

Another revelation occurs inside my racing mind

The sanctuary isn't my beloved shore

It is found within him.

And just as I had thought all my problems were solved

He dropped me

The smile fades from my face

And that glistening happiness leaves my eye

I was wrong

Laying there with my face in the sand I deal with the pain

What else is new?

Bitter thoughts returned, “I told you so” they sneered

I wipe the blood from my hands and the sand from my eyes

And re-organize my thoughts

How could I have been so careless?

He had a hungry heart but an empty mind

But all I saw was someone willing to hold me.

Guess this place really was just a fantasy told,

To those stupid enough to believe it

I walk alone along the water’s edge and throw stones

As tears start to burn my face and cloud my vision

Once again I find myself laying in the sand thinking, looking, wandering

A heavy sigh takes away the burden of my past love

As I tell my story to the ocean

It sways and crashes as usual

I laugh at myself for expecting a response

No one hears me anymore

So I try again this time talking to the moon

As I finish telling my tale

He hides his face away behind the clouds leaving me in the dark

Again I laugh

No one cares

But saying what has happened, hearing myself talk

Helps ease the pain

I hear the sound of quick feet behind me as yet another boy approaches me

In my unstable mood I tell him everything

Finally what I’ve been waiting for,

Pity, sorrow, someone else who can relate and give me security

As he goes to wipe the tears from my eyes I apologize

And start running

Leaving him in the same pain I'm feeling

I'm sorry but it’s too soon to start again

As I deal with the guilt of causing someone else pain

I start a journey

I realize I’m not ready to be on the beach

And I must **** up my pride and return

To the place I left, in my haste to get here

I was wrong

I was blind

I come through the front door expecting hatred and get hugged

I was loved

Why would I throw that away?

I cry at my lack of inexperience

And lock myself away in my ocean of a room

Return to the thoughts

Return to the memories I tried to run from

And embrace them

Look for the universal meaning for their occurrence

Then I sleep

The sun peeks through my window to a new day

It’s not the end, it’s a new beginning

At first the light burns, from being held in the dark for so long

A voluntary imprisonment

Because that’s what I thought love was

The white light starts to warm up my soul

I smile upward knowing,

This moment was a sign of approval from the universe

I’m finally doing something right.

I go for a run and feel the country breeze run through my hair

I miss the ocean, the place I left to find myself

But now I have found myself

I can smile without the pain

Of missing the one I loved hiding behind my teeth

I confuse myself and continue on running

I don’t want to start over again

I don’t want to repeat the same pain I endured, only

A few short months ago

Why risk getting hurt?

I tell myself never return to the sanctuary again until I’m sure I'm ready

Little did I know the universe was listening to my thoughts,

And disagreeing with me

“Running away, making it to the beach, it was all an adventure

Where’s that sense of adventure that used to spark your heart?”

It died I told him, along with my heart itself

And the breeze brings in a storm as he laughs

“Part of the adventure is not being prepared.”

I return home again and once more sleep, safe and secure in the place I can call home

And the storm passes over

I won’t allow myself to return to the ocean

But a dip in the pool is close enough

All the friendly faces

This is my second home

With that thought I smile

A boy lets me go ahead of him

And lets me jump in the water on his word

Deep under the water I think back and let out too much air

Because I surprise myself,

I felt that tug of adventure seeping back into my heart

I get scared and sprint away from the feelings

Bury them on the surface, contemplate them in my mind

“No, no, NO!” I don’t want this happening again

But he’s so cute!

My mind plays tug-a-war with itself as I play it cool in front of my friends

Hiding my insecurity around him and get lost in a workout routine

The more I try to hide it the more I realize that I can’t lie to myself

So I try to see him

And the universe sends another storm

I was angry at first because I was trying again like he wanted me too

But then I realized I also had to wait

And so I did

Mulling over my thoughts I feel like an idiot as revelations occur in my mind

The sanctuary is not a place,

The sanctuary is not a boy

The sanctuary is my ability to create passion in another’s eye

It is part of me

This thought scares me and I'm glad the universe made me wait

I’m glad the universe made my heart break

All those endless nights I spent

Creating rivers with my eyes

I’m glad for the fear of starting over

And I'm glad he made me return home

Because without all this happening I would’ve never found myself

And I would’ve never returned to the sanctuary

Or found it in the first place

While bearing this in mind

I smile up at the white moon

Then get kissed by the boy who’s making me start over again.

And just as I went to kiss him back,

He led me to the grass and we watched as the stars

Dance above our heads.

My eyes grew weary and I lay my head on his chest

And listened to his hearts beating

The more I listened to his

The more I wish I hadn’t

Trusted my own

He was broken, like I had been not so long ago

We stood up and he left me,

Just as I had left the boy who chased me down on the beach

At this point I don’t know what to feel anymore.

The moon is gone, but the twinkling stars gaze down on me

Making my tears glisten in the grass beside my head,

At least he won’t know I'm hurt, he doesn’t need the guilt.

I lay there drained, saddened

My heart has no power left to pick me up

So I lay under the stars

And fall asleep to the universe whispering in my ear

I wake up dazed and confused wishing the hazel eyed boy

Was back at my house

Holding me

Making me feel secure

He does come back

But not in the way my heart longs for him to

His broad smile unravels the desire for a friendship

I can’t say no to his simple request

And numbly talk to him

Though it burns me so

We talk as good friends do

And he returns home

The numbness doesn’t pass

As I talk to a newly acquired “bud”

We discuss the wavy haired boy in great detail

My new friend tells me stories that make my head spin

I feel like I didn’t know the boy at all

Guess people change when you see them in the light

But my heartstrings tug at me once more

I remember his gentle side

And I find myself fighting against these stories

Trying to convince my mushroom friend that the other side

Of the boy exists

But the icy truth grips my emotions

As I realize I can never call him mine again.

My mind freezes up once again and I feel the numbness return.

I try to carry on talking to the smiling boy as if the stories I heard

Had changed nothing about him

But cannot

I look at him from this new point of view

But love him still

Because now I know he really is just human

Not perfect

But strong enough to live life with his imperfections

I am greatly comforted at knowing these things about him

But am continually attacked by the

Fact that I can’t call him mine ever again

Though I’ve told myself this repeatedly  

I blindly follow my heart,

Trying to win him over once more

The universe tells me I'm just going to end up getting hurt

Pursuing a lost cause

But I reply simply that getting hurt is part of the adventure

And the universe smiles

Allowing me to chase my desires

As the hazy summer days flew by
My heart still sang a lover's song
Longing to retrieve pieces of a broken heart
Perhaps forge anew withing another's arms
But there simply is not enough time, the summer was dying.
Much like the blazing fire within my soul

Deep pensive thoughts,
Concocted by this newly acquired sense of maturity,
Took hold of my mind
As the winter's grasp took my heart.
All the while the scent of old textbooks, chlorine, and dead flowers
Fueled my life.

My legs were tired after constantly running.
One boy to another
And the embers begin to die.
No longer does my heart desire the affection of another
Why run to the beach?
Why try again?
It all ends in pain.
The long hours of talking on the phone
Sharing secrets
Learning all there is to know about another
Loving.
Loving all there is to love and getting your soul torn?
No, I quit this cruel game.

Months pass and I am still hiding in the deep corners of my mind
Trusting another with my emotions?
What insanity
I can trust myself, and myself alone
The snow starts to fall and the cold reaches my core.
I am alone.

My fault? Perhaps
I just gave up on the game of 'love'
But all it really takes is little spark
To make a fire once more.

The new year is rung in with a bonfire under the stars
Notes, cards, flowers...everything
All up in flames.
I watch my old year ablaze before my eyes
And scratch open into a new notebook
"2013"
The blank pages stare back at me
As I ponder which words to embellish the skin with
More deep thoughts...
What do I want?

Having ignored all social aspects of my life,
I was happy.
Good grades, friends at my disposal, decent swim team times
As my thoughts continued
I ignored the feeling building up in my throat.
"Nobody loves you."

Independent, strong, beautiful, cunning, intelligent...
Sure when you brake it down I have a lot going for me.
But to take all these qualities
Have someone love your every flaw, bizarre habit, and womanly curve...
An impossible task.
And so I put my faith in the starts
Asking the universe for a miracle.
And then I waited.

Weeks past
Having no motivation to pick myself up
The universe smiled upon me
And sent a boy with his head in the stars.

Blank
My mind draws a blank.
Having burnt my past I'm speechless
My heart races and I can feel my face flush
An unexplainable sensation overpowers my body.
Starting over.

Its almost as if the frozen winter forged a blank slate
And the affections from this boy melted away everything...
The rush, the butterflies, it all feels new again.
Like I have never fallen in love before


My new sensations are accompanied by a changed mindset
I was truly a new person.
Memories from past loves
Cannot compare to my heart's newest obsession
Such sweet words...
Sugar coated but genuine.
Everything...
His gaze, his walk, his talk
It all makes my heartache
My tongue is tied as he showers me in compliments

Oh his eyes
The way he looks at me and tells me I'm beautiful
I feel as if im drowning
But why?
I'm an experienced lover and swimmer.
But the fog caused by his intoxicating scent makes my past seem ages ago.
Why is this all so fresh...

My thoughts are spinning
And before I can even ask my mind for advice
We're dating.
I was following my heart entirely.

I'm so stunned
It's as if I was wiped clean of my past (and confidence)
Starting over.....again.
Never thought it would feel so
Natural

And so the winter trudges on
His arms around me keeping the fire alive
Snuggling while watching Star Wars
Fueling each other's passions.
I would have never guessed my fate just a month earlier.
Thanks universe.

Everyday, hell every minute I get to call him mine
I fall deeper and deeper in love.
I decide that I'm going to give myself to him.
Time doesn't slow down,
And so I decide to follow my heart.
Trusting him with everything.
We pick a playlist, a date, and a time;

Then we make love for the first time.

It was everything I wanted and so much more. His gentle embrace afterwards assured me that I had picked the right guy.
But life happens, and and after a few more times, my parents find out.
Two months.
We had only been dating two months
And what seemed like the end of my world had begun.
Tears fell like snowflakes on a cold December night
I expected him to leave me
But see, this is the first time my luck changed when I needed it too.

He held me through the tears
Picked me up when I was hurt
Reassured me that he would never leave
He was strong for the both of us and made me smile when he could
Possibly the biggest obstacle a high school couple could face was thrown at us early in our relationship
I guess we should've waited.
But I don't regret my actions.
We endured it, grew closer, and loved each other like nothing had changed.

Loving him was the biggest epiphany I've ever had,
I stopped trusting the universe and put some faith in myself
And the ones I loved

The world has been brighter ever since.

Hard months pass.
We attend his Junior Prom
I slow dance for the first time
And the Star Wars series is completed.
Before we realize it, summer is in the air, along with it our half year milestone.
6 months pass with this boy and I feel as if he asked me out just yesterday.
We spend the day together and I thank him for the wonderful date and kiss him goodnight

Under that full moon which has watched my relationships end, he holds me close after our kiss.
With teary eyes he thanks me for the best 6 months of his life.
I hug him teary eyed as well.
I shut my eyes and take the moment in.
His scent, the cold breeze, and the cicadas singing to us in the dark.
If there is a love anymore true than this, please tell me.

I look up at the night sky at the distant worlds and ponder our own
Earth may be my home planet
But I know that I'm holding the other half of my life in my arms.

My parents begin to ease up
Theres talk of college in the air
I start to feel happy once more.

I paint my canvases with bright colors
And begin to stain blank pages with my life story once again.
A new sun is rising.

Words upon words spoke in a rapid manner
I listen to him spit out physics
Intelligent, stunning, confusing, and funny
He rambles on about these numbers.

A calculation for this,
A theory for that.
It can explain everything he claims
Science,
It can always be broken down to a science.

I hold on to his every word, and just wonder what equation
Can tell me how he feels.
What does he want
What does he need?
Will he ever have an interest...an interest in me?

I don't mean to sound nerdy
I don't mean to sound cliche
But I believe there is chemistry between us
Our minds are bonding.

Sadly there is no science behind the human emotion.
So I will wait
And try to analyze this boy myself.

Why even try in school?
Ill runaway to New York
Thats my masterplan

She danced through the seasons
Wearing and tearing her heart,
Which she wore and showed off proudly,
Awaiting her prince to come ad dance.

The girl had danced before but being as clumsy as she was,
Often fell
And astonished at her lack of grace and feminine manner
Her prince would leave her halfway through a song.
Alone.

As the year's brilliant colors began to fade,
Her hope of finding a prince fell
Along with the dead laves blowing in the wind.

In the deep days of winter
Her dress, the beautiful garment she poured the essence of her being into,
Was ragged and tired.
A reflection of her efforts.
She retired to her seat.
The year was coming to its end,
Like the sands in an hour-glass
There was no time left to give.

But just as the sands were over-turned to start the year anew
This quiet boy asked for her hand to dance.  
He loved every tear in her dresses seams
Accepting her scars and showing her similar burdens he carried.

The two tripped on their words
Laughing, on the ground they fell upon, at the other couples around them.
While they tried to fit societies accepted definition of lovers,
The two enjoyed each others company and got lost in each other's eyes
Neither of the two were good at dancing anyway.
The two ragged lovers thought on this as they held each other
Long past the ending of the ball
While the other picture perfect people ran out of time.

This year was new
This year was theirs