Swearing like a sailor couldn't keep my ship from sinking

Wifi off.

Disconnected from the misconception of connection.

99 bottles of emotion on the wall
they're all full to the brim
sometimes the get shaken up
but they seldom get opened up and poured out
except when dumped on the pages of this notebook

Its been this bad
Once before
It scares me to think I might be going that way again
It scares me to think of the mess I'm in
It scares me that's it's all come so fast
It scares me to think how long this might last
I'm empty inside
And I cannot hide it
Weeks ago I could not stop smiling
Now I'm barely crying
Has all emotion left me
Except this ache
This ache deep inside
It makes my muscles shake
An people stare
They're worried
I may seem angry
It not your fault
I am really sorry
I'm trying to be happy
Tomorrow I need to talk about this
Or soon
I can't sleep
You ask if I want Tylenol
But pain killers won't **** the type of pain that's killing me
Oh please
If only I could have a good cry
To let some of this escape
I can't stay awake and I can't sleep
Why does this always cut so deep?

I'm cursed with all these words
They're stuck inside my head
I need to get them out
So that I can go to bed
Why is it that things are like this now
When only last year I didn't know how
To let go of things to think things out
To figure out what I was about
It's nice to be able to express myself
I've found a rhythm to good mental health
I no longer need to hide my feelings so deep inside my heart
My life has become stable not falling apart
Thank God for showing me paper and pen
I can figure out life who why what where and when
Amen!

Thank you God!
Thanks for Jesus!
thanks for the earth
You put beneath us!

Thanks for the sun!
And thanks for the stars!
Thanks for your plan
And just who you are!

Please help the sick
The hurt and the weary
Please dry the eyes of those who are teary

Please keep us safe
Inside of your hands
Please make us strong
And help us to stand

Amen

When the mirror
Tells you lies
Every time you
Turn and hide
The Lord is still
By you side
He wipes the tears
From you eyes
When you hurt
On the inside
When you're lost
And can't decide
When you're scared
You're terrified
Trust the Lord
He'll be your guide
His arms are always
Open wide

You smell like grade six

The grade I hated the most.
The year that tarnished my simpleness.
The year I asked all the wrong questions,
      and got all the right answers.

The year of lies and fake friends.
The year I thought would be the best for me,
      but turned out so wrong.
The year the darkness started.

Man, you remind me of grade six
    in more ways than one.
Thankfully that year is history
   and I've long since graduated.
Graduated to something much better

Long ago I was fun I was happy I was alright
Things were going good the sun was shining so bright
But now I sit and wonder how I've come to this
Felling sick inside and caught in deep sadness
I used to smile and I didn't have to fake
Now I'm tired and I think I need a break
What has happened that made me come to this

Get rhythm when you get the blues
Shout aloud true gospel tunes
Open the window
Look outside
Give all the darkness no place to hide
Listen to the birds
Borrow their song
Ride the easy notes to get you along

You are my hope
When I want to give up
You are my strength
When times get rough
You are my guide
When I am lost
You are my guide
When I am lost
You are my light
At times of dusk
You help me see
When I am blind
You build me up
And fix my mind
You give me sleep
When I need rest
You are with me
through every test
You hug me tight
I say goodnight

It scares me
the thought of a boy
like you
and a girl
like me
I'm scared
I don't want anyone to love me
I get uncomfortable
because my thoughts are
just daydreams
but with you it
could be real
Maybe that's why we always
pick the wrong ones
     stupid girls
we're just afraid of true love
why?
I couldn't tell you
I feel it
but I don't know what it is
Everytime we talk
I'm waiting for something
to go wrong
but you're just so wonderful
It scares me
but at the same time
I think
          *this could be love

If my poem stopped too soon
its because my page ran out of room...
when I get to the end I have so much trouble pushing onward

I am like a tree filled with termites
Everything looks fine on the surface
Until one day I come crashing down

My heart beats iambic pentameter
suggesting maybe I was born to write

A missing piece,
A broken connection,
A shallow ocean of following convention,
Being polite, being together...
                 feels so alone.

They're missing the spirit.
They're missing a fire.
I don't understand how they doubt all that's higher.
Help me to love them,
In ways that I can.
I pray they discover my peace,
The great I AM.

Not all secrets are locked up in boxes
Not all truths are so hard to find

Some loiter at the bottom of napsacks
Others in the pockets of someone else's jacket
Some are laced up in a stranger's shoes
or waiting by the creekside...

We are sleuths,
The Great Adventurers!
and hound dogs
searching and searching

I'm telling you,
All we have to do is get out there...

The sun breaks through glass and into this empty house
Rainbows are dancing on my cold lonely skin
The perfect song plays

For a moment I wish
The world melts away
All these problems quiet down
My mind is still as water

A teardrop breaks the silence
I flood this house until it is full again

Now, I am empty

Stumble, Fumble
               My stomach grumbles
Fleas, Trees
               I'm weak in the knees
Cough, Scoff
               My clothes falling off
Try, Cry
               I'm starting to die
Let, Regret
               It's as real as it gets
Pry, Thighs
               I was full of lies
This, Kiss
                A new life's what I wish
Whole, Goal
                But I'm out of control
Fly, Sigh
                *This is my good-bye

Fat fat but nobody knows
Fat fat it doesn't really show
Fat fat like nobody cares
Fat fat baggy clothes she wears
Fat fat but she's always cold
Fat fat her excuses are old
Fat fat she starts to cry
Fat fat her monstrous thighs
Fat fat say something nice
Fat fat give some advice
Fat fat just be kind
Fat fat change her mind
Fat fat?

Pyjamas and peach tea
Warm, comfy, safe, free
Love songs and pumpkin pie
Happy, lovely, lyrical
Warm bath and smooth skin
Relax, Soothe, renew within
Bible and sunrise
Holy, guide, new, light

And these are the flavours of my live

When the trials of your mind reach a darker kind
and your soul is exhausted
When you feet fill with lead
And you can't get out of bed
When the things you did best
Matter less than the rest
And you can't do anything right
The Lord will renew your spirit and enlighten your eyes
He will lighten your burdens and loosen your ties

My angry fist grips tightly
around a chunk of hair that I'll try and rip out
But these thoughts cant be ripped out as easily as my hair leaves the folical void.

I can't say that 'h' word
because if I did it would say more about me than it would about you

I'm stuck
Jammed tight between two things
They are heavy
They push on my from both sides
In between them
I think that I'm alone
But its so loud
Not sure how I got here
I need get out of this now
I look to you
You have a better view
You can find me a way out
Quick before this crushes me
I must stand tall
Be strong
My God is with me forever
Nothing can brake me
I will prevail
I have faith
I trust you
Help me to obey
To do things right
And maybe this will not happen again

Another feather ripped from your wings
You're silenced as you try so sing
Why are some of them so mean
     No one hears you when you
     scream
Questions crowd your head
Wishing you were dead
Think of things you said
Out comes the red
Why this time
I thought you promised
But when have you ever
Been honest
Cold blade breaks skin
       They don't see the trouble
       you're in
Because you're life feels worthless
Touching to be thin
You regret all of the places you've been
You've been holding it all in
Your finger slips down your throat as you try to get rid of your mistakes
They make a pile in front of you
   And they'll never know what
   you go through
The mirror is a death sentence
As your self-worth lessens
Visions deceiving
You're no longer eating
     But nobody's seeing your life
     Is a mess
You're in distress
Stressed out
Need to shout
Or cry
But you really want to try
To get better
To heal up
But you effort is not enough


*Help them oh God please lend them the strength
Please show them the truth and your love and it's lengths

Here's to the...

Calorie counter
Long sleeve wearer
Excessive water drinker
Mirror believer
Professional over-thinker
Clever liar
Hair puller
Tongue biter
Thigh hater
Toilet bowl hugger
Magazine lover
Belly fat ****
At home cryer
Bedroom hider
Internet follower
Social stink bug
One sided therapist
Friend loser
Terrifying truth
Reality dodger
Space-brained
Nicknamed
Love rejector
Anxiety collector
Roller coaster rider
Personal antagonist
Perfection chaser
Hopeless dreamer
Nothing achiever
Unnoticed angel
Silent rainbow
Blood seeker
Soul-searching rebel
Wilting rose

I saw you tonight
And it's been awhile
It's nice to see you
And that beautiful smile
You light up the room
And smile straight at me
I wonder if you know
What you do to me
Just sitting beside you
Makes me believe
The world isn't as bad
When you're here with me

Lazy bones
Sore throat
Sleepy spirit
Rough skin
Weak ankles
Daisy thoughts
Dusty mind
Full of longing
Wasting time
Distressed stomach
Deep wrinkles

Hungry is my soul
For Your Love oh God

It cut deep
deeper
darker
Deeper than the blackest, greenest trenches of the Atlantic

Your knife was sharp
sharper
colder
sharper
Sharper than the words off of the tongue of the Evil One

I fell hard
harder
weaker
harder
Harder than a wineglass full of rocks, hitting the hardwood floor

You ripped me apart
tore me in two
How can I ever forgive you?

If they knew
If they saw
My heart pink and raw
Would they stand in awe?

If they saw
If they read
All the thoughts in my head
Would the truth stain them red?

If they read
If they knew
If they saw


If I shared...


no

        no
                    
                 ­ *nobody cares

I hope you trust
I hope you love
I hope you accept
The gift from above

I hope you believe
I hope you rejoice
I hope that you make
The very best choice

I hope you care
I hope you pray
I hope you thank Him
Every day

I hope you are strong
I hope you are pure
I hope you have patience
I hope you are cured

The day is still young,
and forgetful;
Forgiving your first attempts
Forgetting the morning's hiccups,
Now is the time for you to do the same

The day has so much to offer,
as do you.
So hold your breathe and count to ten,
Pick back up and try again

The day is still young,
has so much to offer,
and so do you

The songs of my heart
The words of my soul
Inside of me is
A whole other world

One page of a novel
A second of a movie
I tell you so little
You don't really know me

You could walk in my shoes
And see through my eyes
but still you could not feel
The things I feel inside

Time
Giving birth to space
Time
I wish I could erase
Time
An undetermined pace
Time
The trouble we create
Time
Time
Its all mine

Laugh at me and I'll laugh with you
One day it will be just us two
You tell me tales and make me smile
I've fell so far in a short while
Your words so soft and pure like snow
I dread the moment that you go
Love me now with all your might
Wrap you arms around me tight
Kiss
            Me
                      *Goodnight

I don't understand
She's always so happy
and so nice
A beautiful person
but what's on the inside?
what is the darkness
that makes her stop eating?
what does she see
when it's not her reflection?
why does she feel
like she's not good enough?
I've always liked her
Admired her personality
But now I don't see her
She's not on the bus
Not at school
She's in a white bed
in the hospital
Hating herself
Not eating
Not sleeping
Not talking

Oh little one
How you close your eyes
You sleep so sound

Not bothered
By outside noise
You can rest

You worry not
Of foolish things, like me
Your heart has peace

Sleep, Sleep
Oh how I wish to be like you
Little one

Want to get rid of it
But somehow I can't
Maybe tomorrow
I'll do better
Maybe tomorrow
I'll stick to it
Maybe tomorrow
Maybe
Maybe

I'm stuck in a mess
And I can't find my way
Maybe today
I'll get help
Maybe today
I'll tell someone
Maybe today
Maybe
Maybe

I've decide to get better
I just don't know how
Maybe now
You will see it
Maybe now
You can help
Maybe now
Now
Now

You are the reason
I get up in the morning
Your spirit fills me
And I know what I
Must do
I must be more like you

This morning, it rains
immitating last night's emotional forcast

    how pathetic

This morning, the ground is wet
yet I can't shake this dry feeling I woke up to

isn't rain supposed to nourish life?

This morning my breakfast is a sugary Kelloggs cereal
but my mouth still tastes bitter from yesterday's words

This morning, I watch children's cartoons instead of the news
Because I'm done with grown ups, with their tragedy and bad weather

Reality destroys the good in the good morning show

This morning, I don't want to go out
Despite that, I sit on this almost empty bus that brings me out into the world

This morning, I wish that my umbrella sheilded me from the negative thoughts that rain down on my head,

and soak my scalp

I don't like isolation but I can't risk exposure
because when the photo is overexposed,
you lose the darkness as well as the photograph.
Which I don't think is a very fair trade...

But this morning, I come to realize peace in the rain,
a cleansing, calm, new beginning
I learn to listen to the pitter patter, which echos my heart beat
And though nothing feels fair, and I feel like I'm drowning
I know the rain will never consume me
So I'll dance in the showers,
and when the waters flood up all around me I will swim
  like I'm back in my favourite version of summer

Rain, rain, don't go away
*somebody needed you

With the scars on your skin
With your soul wearing thin
All the places you've been
I love you still

With the hurt in your eyes
With your fear of goodbyes
Every time that you cry
I love you still

With your delicate heart
With your mind torn apart
I will never part
I love you still

With your aching soul
With your empty holes
When you're losing control
I love you still

With you life turning black
With you wanting you back
When your heart starts to crack
I love you still

With a smile that fades
With the choices you've made
When your hopes float away
I love you still

Brick by brick
I've built my castle
These stones as cold
as my poor heart

These walls as tall
as my hopes once were
Now they dwell
deep in the trenches

On scarce occasions
when trespassers roam
The gates are locked
and I'm safe (and lonely) inside

Peter take my hand
and teach me how to soar
Take me to the place
where time will pass no more
We'll talk and dance
like little kids
Explore the feelings
you once hid
We'll journey with
the lost boys
And poke fun
at captain hook
All we need is
freindship and fairy dust
Like a story from the book
Peter do you miss the old life?
Do you want your fairytale?
Torn between reality
and surreal fantasy
Peter don't you see?
your world does not exist
I have to grow up now
forever you I'll miss

She's just a girl in this big old world
Working hard and getting by
She's got so much going on with her
She doesn't have much time for guys
You like her. She doesn't even notice
You hang out. She thinks you're just a friend.

What can a nice guy do
To get a chance with you?

He holds open doors
He'll always lend a hand
You can have his seat on the bus
He'll stand
If there's ever a problem
He can give advice

He'll never be the one to make you cry
His company always helps to get you by
Can you even remember when he wasn't by your side?

And all of these things he'll do
Will he ever get a chance with you?

This is a shout out to the nice guys
The best guy friend who's always been there
This is a shout out to the nice guys
someday I hope you get a chance

She's always falling for the wrong ones
They break her heart in two
You know shed be treated like a queen
If she was ever with you

When you tell her she's beautiful
That she deserves so more
Shes smiles right through those tears
Maybe one day she'll admit that
Its been you all these years

This is a shout out to the nice guys
The best guy friend that's always been there
This is a shout out too the nice guys
Just wait you'll get your chance!

When I'm feeling frail
Or even full of anger
The pen meets paper

Even if its a few words
Or just a measly scribble
It makes all the difference

Maybe it's the quiet
The solidarity
A time to reflect

Could it be the escape
Into my dreams
And creations

Or is it simply
The smell of the ink in this cheap pen
That feels like home

I'm hurting, Lord Jesus
   But you bled more than I can know
I'm foolish, Lord Jesus
   But you payed for my mistakes
I'm angry, Lord Jesus
    But you are the King of Love
I'm restless, Lord Jesus
    *You give my soul rest

I'm scared to pick up the phone because if it was you I couldn't get someone to lie and say I am in the shower.
If it was you I would have to decide if I wanted you the truth,
to ask you why it got like this
It scares me that although I seem so sure that I'm okay to ignore you, that I don't need you,
it still bothers me that you haven't talked to your daughter in over a month.
Did you even care at all or did you just feel obligated because I'm one of your kids?
Are you just occupied with other people now, so you don't have to go to me?
And I can't call you
because I like that means you've won.
Proving that I need you or something sick like that.
That I caved first.
But I won't.

All of this is so broken
All of it.
And no one wants to cut their hands trying to pick up the pieces,
it may never get any better.

I don't even like the word never! Yet it seems so appropriate because I don't like this at all.



No
                     NO
                                           Stop this heavy hurt.

Or at least.....
                          *call your daughter