A cloud in my brain
a rock in my stomach
aching bones
hot eyes
wet cheeks
lungs frozen
*.......I smile like I'm alright

You say it's all darkness
It's all anger
all hate
You say it's so loud
you can't concentrate

So did you forget
All the good
the laughs
smiles
And fun

What about me
Do you care at all
How could you quit this
You're too strong to fall

Just remember the blessing that surrounds your soul
See the Lord has given you
what cannot be stolen

Maybe it's the same feeling that someone had 125 years ago
Maybe the white walls are starving a vibrant soul

Dull inside

Dull
Here

Do you ever want to just...
*step into the wheat fields?

a quiet in my head, the words are left unsaid
and sting on the tip of my tongue
the tears have dried and salt stains my bruised cheeks
I don't want to eat
I don't want to see
my eyelids fall and I descend into a dark hole
the looking glass into my soul, with a blood-stained lense
I struggle for air, my veins are stretching ready to tear
I don't even care
take this pain far away, let me go to my escape
I need a pause -- an extra five
I'm struggling to stay alive
my back lies on the cold ground
I don't hear a sound

Rain is a funny thing,
but so is perspective.

I used to think of the rain,
with its heavy gray clouds swelling up with water,
just as my hopeless eyes do with tears.
If mayday parade had been an emotion,
I thought it was the rain.
Now Lord I know this to be true:
The rain is cool and refreshing,
hard downpour so calming but amazing.
Each rain drop brings life and new growth.

Rain is a funny thing,
but so is perspective.
God you change mine.

One second frozen in time.
Your life stopped on a dime.
If it was­ captured,
In a quick snapshot,
Would this be a photo you orded d­oubles of? 

Is it you staring at your bright screen?
Or with bri­ght smile one your face?
If every moment is significant,
It appau­ling home much of it we waste!

Are you passing the time?
Of fulf­illing your purpose?
Do you know it yet?

When the trumpet sounds,
On that mysterious day,
Will you ­be glad to be taken away?

Will you feel like you've done your jo­b?
Or maybe that your time was robbed?

Will you regret each ­lazy hour spent?
Or be ready to finally ascend?

Don't you dare do this to me
just when I started to break free
To think that it is no big deal
I'll tell you what, this just got real

Lord I know you've got my back
When my dry ground begins to crack
*you send the rain

I was lost
I felt scared
Seemed like no one else cared

In my own skin
I felt ugly
Hated every part of me

Fed deceiving lies
Thirsting for perfection
Tried to fix my body
Ended in destruction

Feeling lonely
When I was among friends
Always tired
But I slept so much

A vicious cycle
A downward spiral
I needed to get out!

Oh Lord you saved me
I was ready to give up
I Turned away
For so long

I came back
But you were there all along
My mistakes
Your saving grace
You are my new hiding place

I am weak
like a straw
                                              You are strong
                                              made of stone
I have a foolish mind      
                                             Your knowledge is infinite
My thoughts come and go
Like birds in November
                                            You know them all
I'm a vile creature
seeking temporary fun
                                           You are God
                                            Not a wrong thing you have done
I am lost at sea
                                          Your hand reaches out and
                                         *rescues me

My heart is the robin's egg that fell from it's nest.
Delicate, cracked,
the prettiest shade of blue
Not pulled away by the gasp of the wind,
Not scooted out by an unforgiving orange feline

My heart tried to fly before it's robin had hatched.
Even dreams(ers) have their limitations

Emerging from the blue shell the creature is wounded
very much alive,
very much curious,
newly cautious.
Wings unfolded but yet to soar.

Perhaps one day the wind will guide.

Perhaps one day the dreams will be suited

Perhaps one day I'll fly

*but first I will heal

I took my own life...

for granted

You are my hope
When I wanna give up
You are my strength
When times get rough
You are my guide
When I am lost
You are my light
At times of dusk
You help me see
When I am blind
You build me up
When words are unkind
You give me sleep
When I need rest
You guide me when
I'm taking a test
You hug me tight
When I am lonely

Her we are tonight
The moon is shining bright
My worries out of sight
You're holding me so tight

As summer turns to end
This place has been our friend
  It has a scene to lend
And love's around the bend

Your fingers through my hair
The secrets that we share
A sweet kiss if you dare
I love how much you care

As moon on water glistens
We sit here and just listen
The earth will sing her song
And we will join along
And sing it
*Love love a gift from above
Earth earth oh what are you worth
Without love love love

Another ordinary day
Or so seems from the
Outside I portray
I'm so content on the outside
While my whole inside is
Dark and grey
My enemies reflect magnify
And measure my flaws
My friends are hurting from the pain that cancers cause
It's not just one
It's so many building up
It's time to fix all this
I've had enough

I try to take matters
Into my own hands
Refuse to listen to
Gods perfect plan
I try to perfect my self
Craving for escape
And when I cave in
It's not even worth the taste
The numbers don't match up
And this is getting tough
It's all these things inside me
All bottling up
I've got to fix this all
It's getting so rough

I peer into the eyes of uncertainty loss an hurt
I try to stay open
when others slam you out
I can see what your going through
I know what hurt is all about
I want to show who
Is helping me
But when I'm falling fast
What example can I be
Fix this please!

No one getting any sleep
Im losing fire inside of me
I need some oxygen
I need to breathe

You're losing hope again
The smiles are just pretend
You need a rescuer
You need to be set free

It's a funny thing
because I'd love to
write
now
about what God showed me today
But
What I experienced today
makes my words seem
so limited
they cannot grasp
what I need to say
they cannot describe something of such a Higher power
that I experience
Maybe one day
you can know what left me, woman of many words
so utterly speechless
and on my knees

I hate you
For shaping me
Into everything I never wanted to be

Straight lines in broken times
Dark tears on sunny days
Talk to me we'll cry together
Our hearts are filled with stormy weather

Why don't you date?
  a question I hate
Why can't you see
it's not right for me?
My heart is too young
  yet already been broken
I hang on to every
word you have spoken
But I'll fall so fast,
hit ground so hard

The shatter of a million
pieces of my heart

The house is black
I walk to bathroom
And leave the light off
All is dark
Suddenly, silently my
mind awakens and
I see a little girl
staring back at me
A girl with a pure heart
A girl with innocent eyes
I turn the light on
but all I see is me
Not then, but now
Not smile, but frown
Me in my world thats
turned upside down
I long for that girl
That reflection in my mind
I long to be a girl
of a different kind
My soul is dull
My chains are tight
Restore your Love
in me tonight
Take me back to
four years old
The girl who was
loving, brave and bold
The girl whose eyes
does beauty behold
A simple girl.
On fire for you
Make me whole again
Like you do

In a beautiful garden
sits a pretty flower
surrounded by plant life
it's filled with music
it dances and grows
as chlorophyll flows

But a vandal comes
and digs up theflower
grabs it carelessly
ripping out good roots
soon the flower
lies alone on the street
the music, the life
everything, everyone
is gone

The flower is left alone with itself
the flower hates itself
it's ugly, its wrong, its
just not perfect
and noone tells it otherwise
there is noone else
as it fills with black hate
it ripps off its petals
and plucks out it's seeds
it starts to die
it does not look like it will last til dawn

But it does
and as soon as sunrise
a wise old woman
out for her walk
stumbles upon this
pile of sadness
she gently lifts up the flower
being careful not to rip the leaves
or break the stem
she cradles it in her wrinkly arms
and takes it to her house

she waters it
and watches it
and everday she sings to the flower
day by day she always persists
and sure enough, that flower
grows new petals
and strengthens it's stem
life flowing though it
so lyrical now
it recognises the beauty
that has always been there
One day, the woman
returns the flower to the garden
and the flower dances and sings
and worries no more
because it feels beautiful
on its own
and doesnt need the other flowers
*she sings for herself

"Dear God,
I want to be a poet."

I want to speak in silver metaphors that slither into ear canals and seep into cortexes.
Words that turn eyes to a new perspective,
that crack your skull wide open with honest art.
Reality and creativity,
Taped together and painted over in the truest colours of life.

I want to speak in that powerful, yet still human, voice.
To quake the ground beneath you until you are shaken up
and you shed that exoskeleton of hurt,
or fear,
or doubt,
or ignorance.
I want all of that lifeless skin to loosen its grip around you,
and not bind you so tightly to complacency.

I want to establish communities of words,
that take you in as their own.
Delivered so rhythmically that your own pulse will begin to race inside of you,
parallel to the lines I've written.

I want to make you run with these words,
feel the winds against you,
push past the resistance and onto freedom,
as every weight lifts off of you.
So I can show you that your shoulders were not made to carry boulders,
your eyes were not meant for harsh tears,
and that everyone needs a break sometimes....

I want to be a poet because if I know the truth, I want to share it.
Wear proclamations on the palms of my hands,
hope radiating from my worn skin.

I want to write poems because I know that we're all human,
so why hide it?
Why hide our emotions when we can let them take flight?
If we've gotten through the tangled mess, why can't we reach back and help the next hero climb though?

I want to show love.
I want to understand,
I want to now who I am.

"Dear God,
Thank you for giving me a notebook as a best friend,
and giving me a copy of yours.
I know that no matter how far off I stray with my imagination,
I will always know what is truth."

I wanted to be a poet,
but now,

*I just want to be me

Do you ever just breathe?

Well of course you are constantly breathing,
but do you ever
                                just breathe?

Do you ever lie on your back,
Close your eyes,
And
B   r e    a   t h e

Inhale
               Exhale

Do you ever just breathe?
And feel the rise and decline of your chest,
The intake of oxygen
bringing renewal to every single cell in your body

Do you ever just breathe?
In silence of mind and body.
Still
Except for your lungs,
Your ribcage e x  p   a     n        d           i            n           g,
Diaphragm relaxing,
Then contracting as your ribcage draws in closer

Inhaling wonder
                                Exhaling thankfulness

Thankful to your Maker
Who started this life-sustaining cycle
Of oxygen to carbon dioxide
Which made you alive
So that you were no longer pieces of dust residing on the
         cold ground

Do you ever just breathe?
Only to realize
You've taken many
of your precious breaths for granted,
That each respiration could be filled with inspiration,
That the gift of life is not in fact yours to keep,
Nor to take
And it could be stripped from you at any point.

Do you ever just breathe?
And feel the warm love of the Divine Creator
Who made you special,
just as he made the stars

Do you ever just breathe?
And want to make every breath count



                                                        ­                      *I do

Strike me with tragedy
We all ignorantly cry

What disease has our culture yet to romanticize?

We think we want tragedy
But all we ever wanted was sympathy

A friend who's at
the hospital
she stopped eating
A friend always tired
she stopped sleeping
A friend feeling troubled
she cuts herself

But in each of these friends
and through helping them
I've found the truths about myself
and I start to understand why
we hide things

A friend dealing with loss
she doesn't know God's peace
A friend who doubts
the Lord's love
she's loosing hope
A friend we all
ask for advice
She doesn't know how to cope

I like to dance and sing and fly
I marvel at how time goes by
The beauty is surrounding us
The wind is so lyrical
leaves crunch
Tea tastes like nature's beauty on your tongue
relax
inhale
the air is stale
carry on
march strong
the world won't be here for long

Be tender if it kills you
Take the punches like a tree
Let the nasty words dissolve in air
with the yelling and the screams
You can't hurt me, anymore

Blunt force breaks glass
So does resonnance

I hope I'm not that delicate
Because you sure do resonate

Sitting
Thinking
My heart is sinking
Tracing fatal lines across my mind map
And I'm hitting a lot of potholes
because no one ever tends to these rough roads

You left, I cried,
You lived, I died
You stood I fell
Your heaven, my hell
Your smile, my tears

I was lost
I felt scared
Seemed liked no one else cared

In my own skin
I felt ugly
Hated every part of me

Fed deceiving lies
Thirsting for perfection
Tried to fix my body
Ended in destruction

Lonely in a
D
  o
    w
      n
        w
           a
              r
                d
                      s p i r a l

Needed to be saved

It all stays bottled up inside of me
Sometimes it leaks out my eyelids
streaming out down my cheeks
Sometimes it seeps out through my pores
when I wake up in a cold sweat

Grey heart
Weak knees
Can't focus
Can't sleep
Your heart's been stretched out and cracked
blood seeping out
Bruised soul
Bitter words
Sour people
Treating you in such a way
It stings inside
Winter lungs
Soggy cheeks
Heavy bones
Where did that happy girl go?
Lost in a maze
Caught in a daze
Foggy eyes
Paper throat
I can see all of this
Deep secrets
Green suspicion
I just want to help
Questions
Doubts
But, Yes
                 I
                    Care.....

I'm giving up sleep
my thoughts are too deep
Can barely last the day
don't let me sl
                              i    p
                                         a
                                               w       a
                                                                 y

When it's cold and dark
your embrace lights a spark
inside my soul
and warms me up

When I've lost all hope
and don't know how to cope
It's your arms
that hold me together

I am a poet and this world will never know it

I'm rhyming all the time
Every day and every night
But rhyming like this just
Doesn't feel right
I'm loosing my connection
To the words that I write
My visions getting blurry
And I'm losing my sight

Where were you that night?
when the stars were not as bright
when the music was dull
and my mind was a dark chaos
The demons were loud, so loud
but you were nowhere to be found

All those hours I should've been sleeping
But my ugly thoughts were creeping around.
I dug for the answers but I was digging my own grave
All the blank stares, the faux smiles
while my mind was distant and wild
I tried to focus but...
I'm already
so far gone

I need you

Canvas shoes
Highschool blues
Straight hair
but nobody cares
Slim waist
I hate the taste
Sweet talk
Ticking clock
Young love
Fake hugs
Bright blue eyes
Pitch black lies
White keypad
I'm going mad!

What if you knew
What if you read these words that my heart has always wanted to say to you
What if you saw
The all of my true feelings
Uncensored and raw
What if you understood
Why the outcome was bad
But intentions were good
What if you read all my words then looked me in the eye and knew me and hugged me
and old we grew…

Sitting in this warm house
I look out the window that keeps me safe inside
I look through to a snowy paradise

Man, it looks beautiful...
from in here at least
but the grass chokes beneath the suffocating snow
and the glittery ice on dead trees weighs the branches down.

From inside this season is a pleasant scene,
In reality, tragically beautiful.
Nature's remnants shrouded by frozen precipitations.
     How can each single unique snowflake band together to push cars off of roads?
     And seal doors shut?

Winter you are real,
     A crazy gorgeous, yearly event
with the power to make us slow down,
                                                   or stay in.

Winter you are a force to be observed and not challenged.
Sometimes you freeze us,
but you always look spectacular.