do you like me as an artist or as a friend?
was I a lover that called at the end of the night, or one that faded into the darkness?
am I preserving voice within your life or just a chiming ear across the bar?
a tongue spewing a string of meaningless profundity or am I a list drawn of striking profanity?
a professional handshake ?
or a charming smile ?
an awkward pause ?
do I swim in your mind like a diver ?
or do I pass like a wind ?

the people that cross paths
with me change,
for better or for worse-
I don't know.
I have an effect on people-
that's true.
it's hard to tell what
kind,
where exactly they diverge
alike to my path.
but I find myself in
each person that
cross that threshold,
but as they change,
I change too.
I change into something
I remember
from before;
something familiar,
but distant.

you watched me like a specimen
as I ripped myself open to you
in every inch
of my infected mind
without a word you gazed
upon something that had fallen
so far from grace with a curiosity
of a morbidly astounished
passerby.

you were better than you mocking me
like I'm just an excrement,
better than you playing pretend that you love me
and ensuring the most gain
of my ensured loss
from the plans of your getaway

I've called to God so many times
in maggot infested trenches and
the only answers were
ever in my prayers,
someone must be there
to treat me right
respect me
so that I may try to love
again.

For now it's a disgust
to try for anyone's lips,
a deep despair in the
theory of your embrace,
some shame like it a stain
upon my name.
but these old ways slowly
wash away with
each day,
my past of a broken love
drains down the drain.

and if you were here to stay
if you wanted to be by my side
and you were here to stay
to love me right everyday,
I'd take you to be- be you as you may.

ive looked different every season
a new face with a changed reason
picked up a new scar, that was once a lesion

it's hard to keep it straight
like a new task that im returning late
some will call it karma, some would call it fate

my past is a lesson, my past is a weight
it's golden, it's a blur
only some would relate

you looked happier in the past

I wonder if it'll last

life came quick, it sure was fast

changed the movie, changed the cast

I found my fears
and gave into them
I feared losing another
person I cared about
I didn't think I'd know
fear like that again,
I thought I mastered
it before
I didn't know how to
fight it like before
so it took everything
while making me feel
safe
I felt comfort while it
occurred, some part of
me wondered if I'd survive
something like that again
I felt safe and it was secure,
I had my own arms to hold
onto dearly
Maybe that means it was to happen, for sure
but a part of me wishes you still belonged here- to see if we could survive together this fearful storm and gloomy weather

I'm not worth much to you anymore.
a thrown out poem
a burnt letter
a scribbled note

is there an
are you sure ?,
a confirmation of your deletion,
atleast a reason for its completion ?

I miss it like snow in summer,
a longing for that season.
I'm lonely and tired and waiting
for it to feel like you are back
in my arms.