They hide in families disguised as brother, father, uncle, nephew.
You see them at holidays, shoot the ****, and hug them good bye. until next time.  
Never knowing, until you know.

When you know,  the sickness swells.
The rage.
The end of obligated love.

Then you see them in family albums and you want to cut them out but it's your child they are holding. Big grin.

Family should be a safe place yet it usually is not.
Dark secrets.
Misguided shame.
Time to kick the door wide open and expose them for what they are.

I’m so tired

You come in looking the way you do
And I’m renewed

You smile and in those lines I see the years spent laughing
I forget about the tears

Your wide lips part
And I forget my name

I forget everything

Nothing is as important as crashing into you.

I’ve always loved you more than I’ve ever loved me.

You hate to hear it.
You tell me I’m everything.
Then you hop on a
plane.

Most of our years are spent 2,184 miles apart. I can and have loved you from further.

I’ll love you till my last breath.  
But, you ask too much of a lover you see in hotels and back rooms

You know me by heart.
You know my sense of humor.
You know what I dream about. My fears.
What I carry with me.
The guilt.
The trauma.
You know me inside out.
You  barely know me at all.

Your voice pours out my speakers. Poetry sang for anyone to hear but meant for me. I hear them. Every song new and old.

They are promises you swear were never made.  

Always were. Always will be.

I wonder when you’ll let me go.
Will we be doing this dance into our 80s?

Or maybe I should learn some self respect and stop taking your calls? Stop answering the door.
Stop running to whatever destination you ask me to come to.
If you can’t be kind enough to stop loving me.

You lift my hand to your mouth and press.
All is forgotten and I’m yours again.

Poet. Painter. Star. Man. *******. Best friend.

Soul mates.
I’ve watched your mouth say such things.
Silly things.
If true then we’re  ******* this life time up royally!

I want to know you
What makes you tick
What makes your body hum
I want to explore every contour
The curves and edges
I want to know the real you
uncensored
Your thoughts
All the weird
All the fear
All the brave.
I want inside jokes
I want the ability to read your mood with one glance
I want you
All of you

So many times I have been the envy of others.
"You're so lucky" they say,

There's been many times I have wondered how I got you.
Why you'd want me, let alone love me.

I don't feel lucky.
You have crushed me.

They can have you.
I am done.

I watched you looking for me.
From high above I witnessed that line between your brow deepen as you chewed the corner of your mouth
then  you made an effort not to.

And, then you scowled at your phone.
chirp
I lift mine from my pocket, smile and reply
"Look up."

You look left then right and your honey hued eyes land on me.
Decades of smiles had formed lines and I got all 4 rows.

We play our games. Do what old friends do.

Hours pass and we are finally alone.
In an oblong shaped room a thin door separates us from them.
We can hear them trying not to be loud or put on that they are listening.
Will they wont they? They want to know.
We always do.

Is there any chance in hell? You ask.
I hesitate because yes is the death of me and no is impossible.

For once you keep your distance allowing me to breathe.
My body aching I can already taste you.

I tell you what it takes and inquire about what you need.
We sit on the tile floor against opposing walls.

I watch your long fingers fidget with a loose thread on your pant leg.
I close the distance and sit legs on either side of you.

It's the anniversary of the first time you touched me and I wanted to be touched again.
It had been so long.
No other touch mattered.
No one sees the real me like you do.

See me now, I say.
Your eyes heat and fixate on my lips and finally you touch me.
large hands cup and pull me unto your lap.

I wait for the crushing of eager mouths, the violence in our passion for each other.
Instead I get your head on my *******, you breathe me in and then out.
Your arms around me tight now.
My tears are hot.
You hold me there.

I press my lips gently against your scalp and remove the elastic band from your length of hair.
I then realize it's the band you stole from me years ago.
The one I see on your wrist often when you're in the world I will never fit in.
Then, my stomach turns. I do not fit because you dont make the room.

You're now freeing me of my jacket. Your lips gently pressing onto every inch of newly exposed skin.
The snow is building up on the ornate window behind us.
I'm not at all  that concerned.
I'm only worried if I will survive you this time.

Your teeth skim over flesh and bone, a threat of pleasure too intense for a thin door to conceal.
I lay back, now exposed, unto cold tile with gold leaves.
The corner of your mouth raises as you remove my boots and then kick out of your worn converse.
I watch you pull your shirt off over your head and then praised the gods I don't believe in for your abs.
On your knees now you roll leggings down. I lift and you moan at the sight you so love.

You cross my ankles and hold them in the air.
You watch my face as your thumb caresses swollen folds.
I whimper as the torture continues.

No!
I want to touch you!
I want to be close!
It's been too long since I have tasted that mouth.
I protest.

Shh.
You end all argument as your fingers slide in.
Slow at first and then hard as I arch up off the tile.
There's nothing to hold onto and no way to muffle my screams but to bite my own fist.
Wave after violent wave hits me and I go under and am content to drown with you.

I love you so much
Al lot more than I love myself.

You leave me heaving on the cold floor and I can barely see as I attempt to come back to the surface.
And then that mouth.
A rip tide takes me back under.

I can reach your hair now. There is so much of it.

I sing your name over and over as I arch and moan.
When my body goes limp your mouth moves upward kissing hip bone, stomach, breast and then neck.
You are above me now, I can feel your eagerness against my wet thigh.

I love you,
The words fall off wide lips before they take up mine.
You  enter.
Sweet and gently you stroke my hair and cup my face.
We drink from each other as you move in me.
My hands stroke the angles of you the strong back and up and over to cup your muscled little ***
and press you deeper in me as I raise my hips to take in more.
The air rushes out of your lungs as I grip you tight inside and beg you to ***.
You reply by nipping my bottom lip and dive faster and harder into me.

I’m no longer sure where your hair and mine begins and ends, We have so much of it and I try to pull yours back so that I can see your eyes.
Its as if you can never quite believe the intensity of us.  Years and years and we remain on fire.
You  let out a moan and then silence it as much as you could by biting my shoulder.
I don't think it worked, Hon.
A good 40 people heard you *** inside me.

We lay there on this cold pretty tile now.
Aftershocks of pleasure course through my body and I long to reach over and touch you but cant collect myself.

What have we done to ourselves, again?
Will it be different?
It has to be.
I cant say goodbye again.

Little White house on the corner
Where two presidents meet

Not much to look at
yet it holds so much history

Nothing most would be interested in
Just a little girl's horror and shame

There in a room papered with puppies and kittens  
I, a child, laid in an ornate daybed

I should had been safe
I wasn't

I have not returned in so long
yet I also have never left

I sit
parked
strong and fragile
where two presidents meet
remembering the things better forgotten

But, one cant forget what shapes you.
All anyone can do is be better than where you came from
and hope that any child that may now sleep in
the house on Roosevelt street
is safer than I ever was.

I hate this place.
I hate the cold.
Hate the drawer that keeps getting stuck.
The sink that drips.
There's nothing here for me.


The next place will be better.
Maybe this time I will go to the ocean?
Live an inherited dream.

Pack up and go.
Leave winters behind.
Flip off my landlord that doesn't fix ****
and go.

My girls, the pup, kitty cats, and me...
Me.

No matter where I go I will be there.
My problems are packed along with the sheets and dishes.
There's no place I will be okay.
Unless I am okay with me.