You make knots in my throat
So big I can't breathe.

They're in the quiet whispers,
The fingertip brushes,
Edge of your smile,
Bags under my eyes,
Photos we keep,
Sponge on your back,
The exhaust of your car
that drove away this morning:
Fragments of my heart
That are yours now.
*I wouldn't mind if you kept them forever.

If a thousand wrongs aren't making it right,
Why do you still seek my forgiveness?

If your arms are home,
I'm on a different planet.

You say that your body
Is like a cracked ***.
I know that on bad days,
These are the gaps
Where the darkness leaks in.
But come with me darling,
We can fill you up with soil once more.
Plant deep and unshakable roots
That bloom bright yellow daffodils
Who can withstand even the cloudiest days,
Reminding you to keep growing
(Keep going darling)
Up towards the sunlight.

Maybe its a midnight drive
Reminding you of an escape route
Listening to the wind
Wind through your hair
Wind through your lungs
Airing out between your ribcage
The worries weighing down your spine
Falling like wind chimes making music to dance to
Or maybe its just you.
Breathing life into me
Driving that car to the edge of nowhere and still driving
Dragging wind chimes behind us as we go
A galaxy of sounds
Melting the demons away.

Nights spent with cold feet
Staring into nothing
Ripping up old photos
Of who you used to be.
Now you're an evicted house
A hollowed out ribcage
Heart amputee
With the only way of filling the empty
A daily dose of pills.
What have you become?

On nights like these my bones ache
Quivering, swollen ribcage,
Sometimes my insides can't be contained.
Sometimes my hands
Reach out into the darkness
Grasping for god knows what
Maybe you know what
Maybe you are the one part of my past that I need to keep.
Maybe you are the steam from my tea,
My favorite socks,
That perfect song on the radio.
Too many times nowadays
I see you crossing the street.
I see you getting a coffee,
Running by as often as I feel the wind on my face.
Too many times I want to say something
But it catches in my throat
It catches in the webs we always weave
Most days I stop myself before I start.
My head, my heart, it's all a mess
I always put us in the position for drowning.
I can't keep my head above water anymore
I can't find you anymore
If I knew that 3am was the only time you would appear
Maybe I would try harder to swim
But now I get lost in poems
That never have the right ending
Maybe because we never have the right ending
Whenever you pass by the window
I want to throw out a paper plane
To somehow send you a warm smile
I get so cold.
All I do is write because we never get to talk
And god I miss your voice.
I wish I wasn't so confusing
And that we weren't an undefined word
Because maybe then I could know what to say to you.
You are the one part of my past
That I don't want to let go
But I still don't know just how I can hold you.
These sorts of poems
Are the kind I hide under my bed sheets
But on nights like these my bones are aching
And the shaking won't stop
So this time
I will throw the paper plane out of the window
Even if you don't catch it.

The sadness has lifted up
No longer dragging me down
By my cracking collarbones
But as it lifts lifts lifts
I feel those broken pieces lifting too
*Am I still me without them?

I need an explanation,
For the sad morning toast
For the warmth in the sunshine
The mid afternoon tears
And the 3am cups of tea.
When's the last time
I actually decided something?
Why can't I choose?
Sometimes I just
Want to be certain about myself.

At the bottom of the ocean
Crushing crying
I'm choking
But I can see everyone up there
*They're breathing just fine.

I need a plan.
The consistency,
Something dependable.
The earth is on a schedule
The moon waxing and waning
The tides coming in and out
It's slow rotation
And oncoming seasons
The things I have come to rely on.
Today was an earthquake.
The planet shook in it's boots
As ceilings crumbled
And pipes burst
And lives snapped.
It was like the world stopped turning.
In the grand scheme of things,
Fault lines have shifted
Relieved of their tension
Regardless of my plans
Something needed to change.
It never comes when you want it to.
But no matter what happens,
The tides will continue to
Breathe in
And breathe out
Right on schedule
As we pick up the pieces again.

I loved you so hard.
So fiercely.
So much it hurt sometimes.
You taught me
I was worth loving.
My next lesson,
Without you here,
Is how to aim
All the love I had for you
At myself this time.

Still hooked on you
Like a fish on a line
Being dragged through the water
My lungs crushed by the weight
It's exhausting surviving this way.
You forgot to reel me in one day
A fish (a love) not worth saving.
I wish I could set myself free
Release this painful hook
And learn how to swim alone again.

I am certain I heard
My heart break that day.
Physically ripped in two pieces
By the same hands
That once held me close.
Every day I fight.
Every new stitch I make,
In an attempt to pull myself
Back together,
Is a piercing hole in my side.
I tell myself over and over,
Even painful progress
Is a step in the right direction.
In pain there is healing.
I will find myself again,
*And I won't need your help this time.

You've been gone so long
I can sleep at night
I can hear our songs
*Maybe I can actually move on.

The worst part
Is that I can feel it happening.
I can see it coming.
The aching, scratching, crawling beneath my skin
My gut dragging itself up and out
Through my lungs
I can't breathe like this for long.
I know by now the limited time
My tired spine can hold me
This hollowed-out version of myself.
*I just wish I didn't feel so at home here.

I try to keep things natural.
No makeup
Not too much maintenance
No tight clothing
No scales in the house.
I was asked if I thought
I was better than everyone else.
If I thought makeup was a bad thing.
But when every day
Is a battle to love myself,
I strip down to the basics
To get used to what's me.
To make the blows of my reflection
In the mirror easier to take.
I'd rather love myself when I wake up
And love myself when I go to bed
Without worrying about how society
Sees me in between,
How you judge me in between,
If I can some day soon
Love myself in between too.

I pull my seatbelt a little tighter -
It feels good to be held.

Everyone tells you it happens at 3am
When the walls close in
And you hug your pillow too hard
Hoping it will keep you from falling apart
Without him there to hold you together
When really it happens at 8:30
On a Tuesday morning
Light pouring through the kitchen windows
You brush your hip on the counter
And it feels like his fingers
You drop your cup of tea
And forget what to do with your own hands.

Everything about us was raw.
Raw longing.
Raw anger.
Raw love.
Our souls were exposed.
At least mine was.
Now my heart is raw too.
Who knew pain ran this deep in your veins.
But I do know that we were real.
Because it isn't really love
If it can't break your heart.

Our hearts are fragile gifts;
They can't be open
Without being broken.

I can hate blue eyes
That catch my green ones on the street.
I can hate love songs
That make me turn off the radio.
I can hate seeing fire fighter symbols
That remind me of you.
I can hate that I still wear the bracelet
The one that you made me.
I can hate your shirts
That fill my closet with your scent.
I can hate crying
The kind that knocks me over.
I can hate that bench
Because we used to kiss on it.
I can hate cuddling
Because no one else's arms feel right.
I can hate blankets
That give me a false sense of security.
I can hate sleeping
When it only brings more bad dreams.
(What's the point in sleeping
When my waking hours are nightmares too?)
I can hate knives
And the fact that there are so **** many in this too small house.
I can hate breathing
Because I know it's something we both do.
I can hate myself
For not being enough for you.
The only thing I can't seem to hate
Is you.
I wish I could hate you.
I feel like it would hurt so much less
Than loving someone
Who is no longer here.

I was wearing your shirt
My hair half falling out
And you stood behind me
In half of your tuxedo
With the gentlest hands
Slowly pulling the pins
Out of my hair.
I'm still not sure why
I found this moment so breathtaking.
Maybe it was the stillness
Or the stripping of beauty.
All I know is that
In that moment
I felt how wonderful
A real life with you
Might be like.

Oh my darling.
My beautiful, tearing-at-the-seams darling.
You're still breathing.
You still have every shaking gasping breath,
Willing you to stay alive.
You don't have to choke.
These tears making a salty ocean on your face,
Just lie back.
Don't fight it.
You won't drown this way.
The rivers and streams of precious blood
Pumping through your body
Pumping liquid hope,
Every pint of your blood can save three people.
You are a walking miracle,
A crawling savior,
Don't let the blood leak from your wrists tonight.
Take a deep breath
Even if it trembles.
Find reasons to live.
Reasons to love yourself.
Even if you hate
Every single ******* pore in your body right now.
You are allowed to be a no-show
At the holding-it-together parade.
Fall apart tonight
And get stitched back up.
I'm praying that the stitches
Will be holding together your hope,
Not your wrists.

Baby,
We have been apart longer
Than we have been together.
Mastered the distance,
We know what it's worth.
But baby,
I think we forgot
How to be together again.
Having you stand next to me
Was so surreal
I was at a loss for words.
We got it back though baby,
As soon as I sat down
With your arms perfectly around me
My world healed itself again.
No need for small talk
Just your sweet kisses
And our breathing in synch.
We can do this baby.
I know we can.
Just a few more months.

It's easier when my teardrops
Wash down the shower drain.

You took a piece of me
I thought I had got back by now.
When you showed up again
Emptiness followed
As the part you stole shattered
All over again
I'm reminded of who you
Once made me.

Since you showed up again
Every one of my sentences
Has contained the word
Sorry.