Today I screamed at the wall.
It was broad daylight.
I bet the neighbors heard.
I threw your pillowcase across the room.
I couldn't breathe.
I wonder if you do this too.
I slowly sunk to my knees.
It kind of felt like a prayer.
Lying on the floor I pull one of your letters close to me.
You called me starfish.
It still smells like you.
I can almost see you writing it in your horrible handwriting.
Five more weeks.
I have had this headache for three days now.
Stuck with writers block since I left.
Sometimes I can't close my eyes.
Your blue ones are so beautiful.
My heart still pounds in my ears.
I wonder if yours does too.
I must have memorized all of your letters by now.
It really hurts.
I try to claw my heart out sometimes.
I think I'm crazy.
You must be lying on this floor with me.
I can feel your thumb brush over my thumb.
Your heartbeat is slower than mine.
I'm not sure if I want to wrap you closer to me
Or push you away.
I could drown in your memory these days.
I'm afraid I won't get back up.
I wrap you closer of course.
I'm wearing your T-shirt.
And the smile you gave me once.
I've spent the day on the floor.
It's Sunday.
Pancake day.
You always made them the best.
I think I'll scream at the wall some more.
Nowadays I can't go to bed without a cup of tea.
*It kind of feels like your lips on mine.

In between school semesters.
In between trainings.
In between jobs.
In between deployments.
In between miles.
In between phone calls.
In between letters.
In between waves.
In between breaths.
In between dreams.
Why are we always so far apart?
Baby I'll meet you in the in-betweens,
But I'll love you during it all.

Every second a moment waits
For someone to notice.
Every minute a clock waits
For it's hands to meet again.
Every hour the horizon waits
For the sun to get closer.
Every night the tides wait
For the pull of the moon.
Every month that moon waits
For the feeling of fullness.
I don't feel complete on my own.
Every star waits for darkness.
Every worm waits for wings.
Every dusk waits for dawn.
And every shoreline waits for waves.
I have always wanted to feel
Like a part of this Earth,
So I will wait too.
For you.

The silence just hung there.
Painful.
A broken, flickering Christmas light.
Wincing.
We can both feel the storm coming in.
Can it cut the power already?
I've forgotten how to breathe.

You fell asleep first
On Skype tonight
And I lay listening to your breath.
Somebody asked me
"What are you listening to?"
And I told them
"My favourite song."

I love the million tiny things
You do without realizing.

Ocean waves crash
Cry
Salty air stings your eyes
Some nights the lighthouse just passes over you.
But the water that drowns you now
Also holds up ships
And slips silently between fingers
Never ending
Indecisive
We have some patchwork to do.
Dear get your ship sailing again
Remember the breeze through your hair
And the promise on your lips
Be bold.
Open each clenched fist slowly now.
Let the ocean wash away your troubles
And set free your pain
Breathe it all in.
Breathe it all out.
We all need a white flag sometimes,
Don't hesitate to raise it.
Because we are never alone
When there are ships in the night.

That's all life is really.
Random, beautiful, happenings.

Corsages
Pressed shirts
Flirty butterflies
Not me.
Just your sweatshirt
Slow music
Missing you.
Gorgeous smile
We chose your shirt today
All eyes on you.
Girls staring
How could they not
I would be too.
But what they don't know
Is the curve of your neck
The rise and fall of your chest
The flutter of your eyelids
The slight smile on your lips
As you fall asleep.
The beauty that I have memorized
That only I get to see
Tonight
And every night after.

The city lights are too bright tonight.
How can LA feel so empty
But so full of people
In my new home
Without you.
Baby I'm sorry I have to stay for a while
Life happened
Our timing has never been perfect.
But it has been perfect enough
Because this timing let me find you.
My darling
I feel like I'm losing myself in this big city
Home is in your arms
Wherever you are.
Or wherever you may go
Because I will follow you to the ends of the Earth
To wherever the military sends us
We are now a package deal.
I will ship myself in boxes
In pieces that you need
A hand
An arm
A collarbone
It doesn't matter what fragments of myself are missing
Because without you by my side
The whole world can see the hole.
I will reach you eventually my love
But for now
This lonely skyline holds me captive
In a city that will never be big enough
To drown out the sound of
I love you.

It is on rainy days that I miss you the most.
The drops splashing against my window
Echo
Echo
Echo
Through my empty aching heart.
I can still feel the imprint of your body on the left side of my bed
Where sometimes I roll into
Roll into you
And fit there the way that we so perfectly do.
Your sweatshirt embraces me
Drowns me in you
Where I'll float in your warm arms.
Oh god
I can't breathe
Missing you crashes over me like a tidal wave
Raindrops like gunshots blow holes in my serenity
I need fresh air
I need your sweatshirt off
The rain should be like icicle knives
But they're
Butterflies.
Pitter patter fluttering on my face.
Raindrops wash over my skin
Stripping away my insecurities
I feel clean.
I feel your fingers sliding over me again.
Gentle and healing
I still miss you
On this rainy Saturday.
I glance into a puddle
Oh there you are my sunshine
You're never too far away.
Your heart is always holding mine
But still it is on rainy days that I miss you the most.

"Good morning handsome."
(God I love waking up to your face.)
"How did you sleep last night?"
(Your breath over Skype was my lullaby.)
"What are you up to today?"
(I wish I could be there.)
"I'm so happy you get to catch up with them!"
(I want to be the one making you smile.)
"I'm so sorry your day took a bad turn."
(I wish I could run my fingers through your hair and make you feel alright again.)
"Oh I just went to class all day."
(I miss you.)
"Yeah my test went alright."
(I miss you so bad.)
"Nothing's on my mind I'm just tired."
(I want your hands all over my body.)
"I'm not sure what I'm doing tonight."
(Sometimes I pull your sweatshirt over my head and breathe you in.)
"I might study."
(I just want to lay in your arms.)
"Or maybe I will watch a movie with the girls."
(Why are you so far away?)
"Have a good shower handsome."
(Take me with you.)
"Sounds good, talk to me later."
(Why does later always take such a long time to get here?)
"Yeah. I miss you too."
*(More than you will ever know.)

Distance
For the love of God please be kinder to me.
I imagine the sun kisses your shoulders
The way I could never stop.
I'm aching.
I whisper my name into forget-me-nots
Hoping you remember it better than them.
I think I'm still breathing.
I will hug my pillow tonight
I wrapped it in an old shirt of yours.
Boy, what I would give to be back in that place.
My legs wrapped around your waist
Like a starfish
Brushing your freckles with my nose
Connecting constellations between your shoulder blades
That I will find for us in my sky tonight.
Sweet dreams my darling,
I'll be seeing you soon
Always on the right side of your bed.

Come closer my dear
Cling to my ribcage like safety handles
And weep with me my dear
Let's make a river that can take us so far away
That we get lost in each other my dear
We can use the maps of your veins to stay on course
So break your compass my dear
The only North I need is standing in front of me
I think I am in too deep my dear
Please let me stay as the starfish that holds your anchor
I love you my dear
Keep your eyes on the moon.

Everything is sad.
Like how a flickering streetlamp is sad.
Like how hands that brush but don't hold is sad.
Like how a page ripping in your favourite book is sad.
Like how the flowers wilting after two days is sad.
Like how finishing the cereal but not filling your bowl is sad.
Like how waving to a stranger who doesn't see it is sad.
Like how the blanket doesn't quite cover all of your toes is sad.
Like how this cup of tea is too cold is sad.
Like how the clock hand can't quite get past 20 seconds is sad.
Like how my glow-in-the-dark stars always fade too soon is sad.
Like how the most important words always go unsaid is sad.
Like how the lengthening silence between us is sad.
Like how this broken, shaking whisper that isn't heard is sad.
Like how the closing of the car door is sad.
Like how this kiss blown from my lips can only travel so far is sad.
Like how my heart slams itself into my empty rib cage is sad.
My whole world is just sad
Weeping through these raindrops that won't seem to ever stop sliding down my window pane.

The most precious time of all to me
Is the space between those kisses.
When my lips linger over your lips
And our foreheads are pressed together
And I can't help but close my eyes
As I listen to you breathe.

You and me darling?
We are in the middle of writing
The most beautiful poem
I have ever experienced.

I like seeing you often enough
To notice repeating shirts.

We should save each other;
The whales are doing fine.

A girl who will wait
Is a girl in love.

You are the best thing
That's still happening to me.
(:

Do you realize how much energy
Hating someone takes up?

It happened right there
In the middle of your garage
Swaying back and forth
To the music of our heartbeats.
This is where I knew
That in your arms
Is where my heart belongs.

My heart is Point A
And it has a great distance to travel
To see the world
To live a loving life
To leave my mark
But wherever you happen to go
My compass will always lead me to you
My Point B.

You made me a survival bracelet
Made of military para cord.
But I wonder if you know
That this is the safety line I use
To tie my heart to yours.

I use the moon as my guide
A watchful eye over this changing ocean
Keeping the tides on their paths home
Always bringing me back
To where we had to part on these shores.

Picture of a wedding
Shared at the beginning of our journey
Snow falling
A man in dress blues
Plays in my head a thousand times over
A picture now a dream
I ponder it uncertainly
So much beauty captured in one moment.
"Hopefully you'll be in it with me."
Darling, if I could only find a word stronger than hope.

I ******* miss you.
With every fiber of my body I miss you.
Lips on lips
Skin on skin
Heart holding heart
I want to go home.
I want to be where you are.
I ******* miss you darling.
How has it only been two weeks?

During the peace before I fall asleep
When thoughts of you take over my mind
My hands subconsciously curl up
As if attempting to hold on to a memory
Before it gets tangled up in my dreams.

I don't need to dress up
To feel good about myself,
But I sure do like the way
Your eyes sparkle
When you look at me.

Let's make a tin can phone
And trail the string all the way
From where we first met
Through our journey into the future.
I hope that some day
When I pick up that can again
You will still be on the other end of our string
Winding it around your fingers
Just as delicately
As you used to play with my hair.

He may not be a poet,
But there is a certain kind of beauty
In his knowing
Exactly what to say.