Pen with relish

incase

you have to eat your words


:p

and *****, slimy and rotten
to the core.
The Id rules here
so ******* and fighting
at playtime now means
****** and killing
for breakfast.
I had feelings once
when the world was bright
and what the fists didn't beat out of me,
the women devoured.
I would give anything
to just be the mighty
sycamore guarding
the park.
Anything to not be this, now.
No lilies in my eyes
since you left me,
like they all do.
No amber
or candles
or soft kisses on
wet thighs.
Nothing but filth
and the familiar stench of
being alone and unwanted
here.
Filth and refuse,
remnants of earlier tortures,
limbs and guts,
decaying art of us
stinking up the place.
It's a sunny day here but
the shadow of our rot
weighs heavy.

I felt beautiful
Weird, right?
For me at least
Then I saw her
The one you really love
Not just your second choice
She shines like the sun
And she was beautiful in her pining for you
And I was wretched in my shame
She is beautiful, pure, pristine
And I am ugly, *****, unclean
I tried to take what wasn't mine
I hate myself more for wanting you still
Why do I delude myself into thinking you would choose me?
Over her?
Impossible
I can't even have the pleasure of a daydream
For it is too far-fetched,
Even for me,
To dream that you would choose me over her
Dreamer that I am
I no longer even have that escape
And I just can't understand
What would make you change the way you act towards me
You, romantic of all romantics, acting like any other boy
That makes me think
That I must be worse than any other girl
Because why am I not good enough for your sentimental love?
The love that I crave more than anything
Barely a week, and you broke my heart
It was crash and burn, just like I knew it would be
But I dived in anyway
Foolish girl, foolish me
Living out a pre-conceived tragedy
But you wanted me
That much is true
But it's not enough
Not for me
Its just not enough
I want all of you
I want to hold your hand
Push your hair off your forehead
Feel your arms tighten around me
Be on the receiving end of all your smiles
Be the one you talk about to your friends
Be the girl you post those silly quotes about
I thought that...
No, I hoped that you might fall
Since I was so willing
But maybe this is my fault
Cause I never let you see
The inside, the layers, of what I wanted us to be
And then there's that hope again
That this was all a miscommunication
That you'll call me again
But then I remind myself of her
And her shining, golden beauty
And I remember me
My anxious, awkward insecurity
And I fall back down again
It's enough that my stomach is in knots
And I can't eat
Because every time I do the food is thrown up the incline, thrashed around a loop-dee-loop, and back down again
Hope & Despair
Locked in a desperate tango
Marching their way through my body
Leaving me cold, shaking, tearful, awake, and lonely
But it's my own fault
I shouldn't have gone for what I knew I could never have

It was crash and burn, just like I knew it would be
But I dived in anyway
Foolish girl, foolish me

There's something beautiful when you find that emotional release
Your lungs are aching, your legs are sore
Your face feels hot, your tears cold
You shake your hair out of your face
Push yourself harder
Just run
Away from hopes and fears
Away from daydreams and broken promises
Away from betrayal and self-hate
Away from shame and humiliation
Away from what might have been
Run until your lungs ache
Until each breath is a knife in your chest
Until the air feels like water, drowning you
Until your eyes are so blurry you can't see where your feet are landing
Then your tears come faster
Your sobs come louder
Your breaths grow quicker
And you're crying up to the sky
"Why, why me?"
And you have a million reasons why it could, and should be you
Why it should be you to feel all this pain
But there's that part of you that reminds you...
Everyone deserves happiness
And you're a part of everyone, right?
If only you could just stop crying