who killed himself
but nobody will tell me how,
and I'm too afraid to ask
because what if it wasn't an accident
and what if,
one day,
I know another boy.

I'm not sure if I really ever want to be happy,
or if I want to be tragic.

I can never answer
Which one is more fun?

It's as if we
**** more tenderly
Than we **love.

I miss the look on your face when you saw me
I miss the smell on of the smoke on your skin
I miss the small, silver camera you held in your hand
I missed you the moment you'd taken me in
I miss the long drives past rolling corn feilds
I miss the tissue crumpled in my hand
I miss the trailer sat 10 feet from your porch light
I missed you the moment that I knew I can
I miss the family that I'd never known there
I miss my neices blue eyes, curly hair
I miss when Aunt Nikkie painted my nails green
It started chipping, but I didn't care
I miss the fireflies that I couldn't catch
I miss the movies you forced me to watch
I miss the ashtrays all over the house
I missed the jokes I continue to botch
I miss the grapes that you stuck by my bedside
I miss the feel of my neice on my lap
I miss my cousins attempting to drown me
I even miss Tristan, whom I wanted to slap
I miss the day that they took me out shopping
I miss watching movies with them late at night
I miss winning money on Grampa's 10 slot machines
I miss how hard those mosquitos would bite
I miss the day that you bought me a pizza
I miss the way that smoked everyday
I miss the drive to the airport that morning
I miss your face, as you drove away

I would like to remind everyone
that love is not a fairytale,
or a plot twist in a book or TV show.
It is as real as their warm body,
as it moulds together with yours.

There are no fireworks
or electric sparks when you kiss,
but your heart will pound and you'll briefly wonder
if they can hear your nervousness
as loudly as you can.

You'll love them
and they'll love you in return
for as long as it takes before it fades out
(if ever)
because sometimes it takes the dying of one love
to give way to something bigger and greater.

Never forget those you've loved before,
for that's the greatest insult of all,
worse than every curse and every heated fight.
To forget says that you never cared,
even when you were together.

The anger built inside me
That no one ever sees
It’s the speck of sand beside the sea
A single leaf among the trees

The loneliness taking me
That no one understands
Surrounded by all this fakeness
No true love; just one night stands

The pain slowly killing me
That no one ever feels
New wounds bleed and old scars ache
Marks that’ll never heal

The sorrow consuming me
That no one can ever sense
Tear stains upon a sheet
Two hands (destined) to never meet

I wanted to write
something that could capture
the way you held me
when I was scared of the dark
but also scared of
the flashing lights
that lit false paths.
Words to express
how much I appreciate
you
and everything you've done for me.
For you hid me from death
and protected me
when I deserved much less.
Something to show the world
that in dark there could be light
and that that light
was you.

HEART/MIND
You’ve read enough books to fill 7 billion minds
But the moment you lost yourself to his eyes -
Grey, blue, green, mixed and alone,
7 billion minds became one fleeting heart.

MIND/MATTER
They say, mind over matter
But how could that work
When you were everything that
ever mattered on my mind?

MATTER/INTANGIBLE
All that mattered, I could touch
Matter leaves and you become imaginary
Hurt wraps and coils
All that mattered, I cannot touch

INTANGIBLE/LOVE
Love is immeasurable, intangible.
Lies, lies!
It was as alive as my lips
when I traced your skin
Or your eyes
when you said my name.

LOVE/LOSE
Fighting a war neither side knew how to fight
Feel the hand that loved you
As it reaches out and takes your heart,
Crushing it slowly
No battle has finished but the war is done.

LOSE/LOST
I woke up at
0347
And I cried like
I had never cried before
Clawing at skin as though
It was diseased
For I was lost
And I had lost
And for the rest of of my life I knew I would
Lose

LOST/RECOVERY
It's learning how to stand again
Then walk,
then run.
But after you've lost, recovery doesn't always work
Sometimes Fate sticks her leg out
To watch you fall

RECOVERY/GONE
And you never get up from that place again.